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Coming out to parents as an Ace


Jewel Garcia

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Jewel Garcia

Coming out and telling the world you're sexuality is difficult enough especially when you are an Ace (because then your going to be getting all sorts of wearied personal questions). However, It seems to me coming out to parents is a lot harder. Parents seem to have these predetermined lives planed out for you that being ace does not fit into. To make everything even more complexion if parents have ever heard the term Asexual out of biology they automatically link it to gays, bis, and pans, and there fore think you "like" to some extent the same gender. Which brings up the next problem, explaining Asexuality. When someone says they are heterosexual we explain this to are children as "liking" a different or homosexual as "liking" the same gender but for asexual's it is not that simple, we can like and not like people dispirit the fact that we are all at some level of non-attraction to all human beings. With parents there are also some strikes "give me" rules that are even stricter if you are living with them or are under age. Parents often wont to be the first to know everything, if they find out through your friends or Facebook status they will ether be ticked, or not except it until you tell them face to face. So coming out becomes a matter of when you muster up enough courage to tell your parents so you can tell the world.

When you tell your parents it may lead to even more difficulty. If example when I tried to even hint to the idea of asexuality my mom wonted to take me to the doctor (I'm a minor) to see if I was all right, so I dropped the subject. More minor difficulty that may happen are your parent starts to ask you double bladed questions like: "Do you masturbate? " if you say yes they will get mad and say they told you never to do that if you say no then they will say then how do you know you are not attracted to anyone if you never tried that, or they will think all asexual's do not or something else untrue. Or, "How did you find all this out?" because you are not supposed to be surfing the web. Possible the worst fear of many as that their parent will not except them as asexual using the justification, "you just haven't met the perfect person yet."

Finally, the worse part of telling a parent is that you have t shatter a strong image they have you of you and your future life. They have to understand that you are truly not like them and will never understand some of the things that they believe in and do.

ENDING MOST IMPORTANT PART!

How did you come out to your parents? Where they the first people you came out to? Did they except what you were saying then or now? What is the best way and time to come out? What do you do if they do not except it? If you have not told your parents then personally why not?

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HHhhmmmm I'm not sure if I am the appropriate person to answer this but i will just give my answer and try to help you as best I can.

See I'm 25, have a wife, have a baby on the way I'm a big bad grownup (neverland didn't workout i guess :( )

So I just made a huge facebook announcement only to friends and family I trusted and my parents didn't care, and to be honest I doubt MY parents would have. My parents were not anti masturbation(well that depends on the timeline there was a time we belonged to a cult like church that yeah everything sent you to hell then) most of the time, I was aloud on the internet, and had relatively great freedom in my teen years (granted I got a job and helped them pay their bills so yeah I had freedom). So to me it seems some of your problems will be more problematic due to the rules your parents set.

Honestly come out when you feel comfortable is my best advice. I know we shouldn't lie to ourselves or to our families but if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable coming out no need to rush it.

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Autumn Season

Are you collecting stories or do you need help with your coming out in particular?

How did you come out to your parents? Where they the first people you came out to? Did they except what you were saying then or now?

My closest family consists of my mother, sister, grandfather and his wife. Currently I am living in one apartment with my mother. When I found out about my asexuality the first or one of the first whom I told about it was my mother.

Because for me discovering my (a)sexuality was a purely positive thing, I expected her to be immediately supportive of it. That was naive of me.

She said that asexuality doesn't exist, that I'm completely "fine", I haven't met the right person yet, blabla. Somehow it turned out that for her it was much more of a big deal than it was for me. The whole time I kept thinking "But what is wrong with being asexual? Even if it doesn't exist, you don't need to badtalk it, now do you?".

So I tried to explain to her that no worries mum, I can still fall in love and have sex if I want to. (Since I thought maybe she's afraid she won't have grandchildren.) This is where she said that we (asexuals) have too many options. :/ I suppose the whole concept of asexuality got more confusing to her, the more I tried to explain.

Also, she asked me something, that I found a bit disturbing: "But you won't deny your husband sex, will you?". This is wrong in so many ways. First of all, did I ever say I want to marry? (Granted I said I "can".) Secondly, I would choose somebody whom I'm compatible with, obvy. Furthermore, what does she care? And last but not least: I will deny or give whatever I want to! Nobody is entitled to receive sexual intimacy from me, ever. And the only reason I'm getting mad here is, because I never expected my close relative to deny me the right of sexual freedom (here: to be free from sex). Haah...

This is where I thought: Alright, maybe she needs to hear about asexuality from somebody other than me and I sent her some weblinks. To be honest, I couldn't find any good ones in her language. Anyhow, she watched them, thankfully. But then she discussed those videos with her boyfriend. BTW he is a good guy and I don't really mind him knowing, but I wished she asked me first before sharing my personal information with him. :/

Anyhow, the BF said that the guy in the video was young and insecure and that he'll feel more comfortable having sex with women later in his life. She agreed with him. I failed utterly. ^^°

I do think though, that if I had found some really good, scientifically proven information in her language, then she would have at least considered that asexuality can exist after all. So I can still try that.

In the end, what is the outcome of the whole story? My mom doesn't believe me and thinks I have got problems I need to take care of. On the one hand side she doesn't try to convince me I'm "normal" anymore, on the other hand side she doesn't ask me about my asexuality and my experiences at all. She's probably ignoring my coming out and waiting until I change my mind.

I'm not trying to talk to her about this topic anymore. If I find some good research on asexuality in her language, I do want to share it with her though.

I didn't come out to anyone else in my family, because I don't want to upset my mother by doing so and because I don't want more than one person in my family to see me as the "problematic" one.

With my friends coming out was way waaayyy easier. ^^

My conclusion would be:

1) Do your research and have it with you ready to back you up.

2) Don't trust the family member to keep your coming out a secret. Ask them to keep it a secret, if it's important to you.

3) Our parents are from a different generation than we are. You might want to try coming out to a good friend who is in the same generation as your parents. Then, talk to them why the concept of asexuality is difficult to understand or not and try to use this information in the conversation with your parents.

4) Try to keep your information simple, but expect the conversation to get confusing. Just... keep calm. ;)

5) Don't rush. Also, I don't think confessing to the parents first is all that important.

What is the best way and time to come out? What do you do if they do not except it?

I would say come out whenever you're ready. This can be "never" and that's OK. It might be a weight off your shoulders to get it over with though. Just follow your gut feeling... and the red flags if there are any.

If they don't accept it, then they don't. Don't try to pressure them into understanding. It doesn't work that way. They might need time and further information, as well as opinions to process your coming out. Try to get along, no matter what happens. They are still your parents and they care for you in their own way.

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Tarfeather

@Autumn: Here's what I don't understand about that.. So either your parents are also your good friends. In which case coming out is of course fine, as they're not idiots. Or they are not your friends. In which case, why would you even want to come out to them?

The generation doesn't matter, in my opinion. An open mind is an open mind, regardless of when you were born.

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Autumn Season

@Autumn: Here's what I don't understand about that.. So either your parents are also your good friends. In which case coming out is of course fine, as they're not idiots. Or they are not your friends. In which case, why would you even want to come out to them?

I don't call my family "friends", even though I could. I also don't know many people who do that. But that's just a habit, it's got nothing to do with logic.

The generation doesn't matter, in my opinion. An open mind is an open mind, regardless of when you were born.

Right, an open mind is an open mind. It only gets complicated when it is NOT open, as it usually isn't with parents, I believe.

Growing up in a specific time, in a certain place and culture does form one's mind. So if there are misunderstandings it is helpful to know about the habits and ethic rules the parents grew up with.

In my case I hardly know where my mother is coming from. It helps to know though that when she grew up the most important thing for a girl was to get married and start a family. There was nothing more important than that. When getting married, love didn't matter. And the husbands were entitled to sex, no matter whether romantic feelings were involved or not. At the same time sex was a huge social taboo. Showing interest in sex, especially as a girl was "weird". However people got married early, so to experience sexual tension was rare anyway. One of the reasons my mom thinks I "falsely" identify as an asexual is because nowadays the media is full of sex and she believes me to feel pressured. (Actually I only feel pressure from her, not the media. ^^°)

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If you want since they seem to think the person in the video is just an immature boy who will come to "enjoy sex" with women later. Feel free to share some of my stories. I'm married, have a wife, have sex, and can even enjoy certain aspects of sex (the intimacy, the love, the relationship growth). But I find no one to be sexually attractive. It's not a lack of feeling pleasure, it's a lack of feeling this pleasure NEEDS to be shared with others.

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I've mentioned it to a couple of friends (specifically ones who I've turned down in the past actually, perhaps to make them feel less rejected!!) but I don't know how many people I'm going to bother coming out to- I might, for the sake of visibility- so others like me understand that it's a real thing, because I had no idea, really, until I saw the ASexuals doc on Netflix, and then I was like oooohhhhhh that's me!! But I still want love, a relationship (preferably with a fellow ace) and I didn't want children anyway so really I don't think it's anyone elses business at all whether I have sex or not- it's between me and my partner. My Mom wouldn't care- in fact I think she'd wonder why I felt the need to tell her I wasn't having sex, she doesn't want to know about my sex life any more than I want to know about hers! I don't think hets or LGBT necessarily go around detailing how much and how often they're having sex with their partners (although some might briefly discuss 'conquests' and one night stands, and some might mention a particularly good experience' but in general people I know don't tend to discuss the specifics of their sex lives, so why should we? :)

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I haven't told my parents that I'm asexual, and I doubt I ever will. If I did, their first questions would be "what?" Then followed by a bunch of follow-up personal question. I don't experience attraction? How exactly does that feel? How could I be in a romantic relationship? Will I never have sex? Do I have no libido? Do I need my hormones checked?

It could get progressively more and more awkward. I don't have a tell-all relationship with my parents, so I don't want to get into it.

I have told my parents at different times, "I'm not really interested in sex or romantic relationships." Or "I don't understand girls who only talk about boys." I told my mom that I doubt I'll ever get married. They've never questioned this in the least. Actually, they've always encouraged me to go focus on my school or my career.

Anyway, I'm sure all parents would react differently, but they don't have to know unless you want them to. Also, nothing wrong with paraphrasing in a way they would understand.

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RoseGoesToYale

I haven't told my mother yet, and I'm still debating on whether I will, but I'm erring on the side of no. Should I decide to, I know she would probably say something about hormones (as an adult, though, she couldn't force me to get tested). She's self-educated herself on a bunch of medical things, so I feel if I tell her she'll start giving me a bunch of medical articles and research and doctor recommendations to prove me wrong. We don't see eye to eye in general, so I'd rather just keep it to myself.

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I am 30 and i am not out to my parents yet (I am thinking about it but I am not sure.). However you do not have to come out to your parents or anyone if you don't want too. If you do not feel comfortable with telling them and their is no real reason to tell them then don't.

The reason I am thinking of coming out to my parents is that whenever I go home to visit they always ask when I am going to get a girlfriend or saying that I would make a good father and the like. I also cannot visit these forums when I am back home in case they happen to glance at the screen. However I am also concerned that they will not know what asexuality is and be confused about it and I would have to explain that to them or they will not take it seriously or whatever. I did tell my mum recently that I was not interested in dating when she brought up the subject and she seemed to react okay to that.

In anycase coming out should only be done when you want too and when you feel comfortable enough to tell them.

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Rising Sun

IMO, things are quite simple, there are two cases.

If your parents are respectful and loving people, if you trust them, and if you don't feel like sexual orientation is a private thing, come out to them as naturally as possible, without using too many technical labels, in simple English and with positive words (don't use words that could make them think it's a disorder).

If on the contrary, you don't trust your parents or their reaction, or if you fee like sexuality isn't public, you'll probably feel more confortable keeping your asexuality for yourself than coming out to your parents. After all, the only person an asexual should come out to is their partner. Coming out to other people or not is only a matter of choice, the rule is "you can if you want", not "you should". (And don't forget that if your purpose is to educate people about asexuality, even if you keep your asexuality for yourself, it won't prevent you from educating people about asexuality without coming out - you always can talk about it.)

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GoosePeelings

I came out to my father a couple of weeks ago. He was like 'k', didn't ask questions. The next day he sent me this:

11012546_701378166634966_852081172770770

I think he took it pretty well.

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50ShadesofSocialAnxiety

I'm also in the "not coming out" boat. I figured it out when I was in my mid-twenties. I don't live with my parents, I don't really date a whole lot, when and if I do I guess it will come up given that I'm pan-romantic and that might take explaining, but even then I doubt I'll really get into the Ace portion of it. I just don't think people really need to know about my sex life short of those directly involved, namely myself and someone I'm seriously dating.

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I will not be coming out to my parents... I already came out to my mother as a lesbian and that was absolutely disastrous in every way possible. There's no way she would ever understand asexuality. I don't want to tell my dad because I've already 'lost' one parent and I don't want to lose the one I actually care about.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In late 2011 I experienced a bout of gay-OCD where i became obsessed with being gay, and the fear around it. You doubt yourself and you spend all day analysing yourself. I became morosely depressed.

My old man noticed my mood shift and sat down. We talked.

I asked him if he noticed that i don't exactly chase women, and he had.

I assured him that i certainly don't like blokes, but my mind was screwing with me, but i was just not interested in sex, ever, and that i have never felt pleasure touching myself.

He was ABSOLUTELY FINE and supportive of that.

I'm one of three boys, but the most supportive and emotionally sensitive, and in tune with the world.

I think that within reason, it's good to be honest with the people that should be most supportive of you and your choices. I am glad that I'm better understood by those that matter.

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