glutenfreecake Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 There is a guy in my class who I think is really cool and I want to be friends. We share common interests and his sense of humor gels with mine. He asked me out a few times in a way where it sounded like a date but could have been a friend hang out. I said no every time because I wasn't sure and didn't want to hang out outside of school until I let him know I was asexual. I really wasn't sure if he was interested in me THAT way and I didn't want to be presumptuous so I was looking for a way to work asexuality casually into our conversations and let him know that I'm not interested in dating. The whole thing was taken out of my hands when he asked me when I was going to let him take me out. I'm very dense when it comes to flirting/dating but that was very blatant. I wasn't sure how to respond. What was I supposed to say "never"? That would be a jerk move. So I told him I don't go out because I'm asexual and we went back and forth about that before he said something about how he could see that I was going to be a challenge and in response to my insistence that I don't date he said "not yet anyway". I asked him what he meant by that and he basically said the same thing again so I told him "I don't date and nobody is going to change my mind about that." I told him I would only ever be interested in friendship. He said it was disappointing but he could accept that he said that he knew we were "going to be great friends" then immediately asked me if I wanted to hang out the following day. I was busy so I said no. My issue is that we really clicked and he's fun to be around so I would love to keep this friendship. I only know him from class, I'm a little suspicious of how quickly and enthusiastically he flip flopped from wanting to date me to just being friends. At first I was so happy that it had worked out so well. I was happy, he seemed happy, but it seems too perfect. Nobody just alters their feelings for someone that quickly and he was a bit aggressive in the way he went about trying to convince me to date him. My other friend says she thinks it's a little fishy. Something about this doesn't sit right with me. He didn't give me any weird vibes before that conversation but now every time he texts me I'm afraid he's going to ask to hang out. I really want to hang out but at the same time I don't. I'm kind of afraid he's going to do something to me. Am I just being paranoid? Does this trip red flags for anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It does sound a bit fishy to me as well :\. Maybe we're both paranoid? :P You could try hanging out with him with other friends around and just see what happens? Link to post Share on other sites
glutenfreecake Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 It does sound a bit fishy to me as well :\. Maybe we're both paranoid? :P You could try hanging out with him with other friends around and just see what happens? That's a good idea. I would feel little bit weird because none of my other friends know him but it would make me feel safer. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherWeasley Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I have to say that it sounds a little suspicious to me as well. Particularly with the "not yet anyway" business. Maybe I'm paranoid as well, but that sounds an awful lot like, "I'll be the one to change you or show you that you're not really asexual." Spending time with him in a circle of friends sounds like a good idea Link to post Share on other sites
Bad_Mr_Tree Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It does sound suspicious, and at the same time it sounds like he may be someone riding the "relationship escalator", just stating what seems inevitable if a relationship or for a relationship to work out (http://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/). I'm asexual, but found myself riding the same escalator many years before I understood this. Once my sexual partner and I were having a conversation, maybe one year before we decided to have sex for the first time. I made a comment that "it was bound to happen eventually" if our relationship continued. Because, well, that was the stupid, self destructive idea I had of relationship development. I didn't pressure her to have sex, I was scared nearly the death about it and had no real drive other than curiosity and the mistaken idea that it would increase our intimacy. (not possible for meees) Fast forward to the present, my partner is sexual and I am asexual, and I would have happily never had sex because of all the crap it brought with it over the years. It's best to get off the escalator. With enough self reflection and respect for the person you are with, you can safely exit the escalator. He might be able to as well, of course, if his sole goal is to get with you and mash bits, then you would feel all sorts of negative pressure. Perhaps the link is a good point to reflect on things and maybe discuss in whatever fashion would work best. I lost two or three friends in Uni because what sounded like a date, going out for a walk or just to have lunch together, was just that. Their significant others put pressure on them and our contact diminished and evaporated over time. :(( Link to post Share on other sites
My alias Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Ive seen so many post in this section about friendships that didn't work out because they turned into the opposite of what happened here. What happened to phrase innocent until proven guiltily he sounds genuine do you have a reason to doubt him? Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Responses like "not yet" and considering someone who turns you down a challenge are huge red flags for me. I've got through several friends who claim to be okay being friends, but then continues to try to pressure me to date in more subtle ways. By all means continue talking to him, but beware. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 So I told him I don't go out because I'm asexual and we went back and forth about that before he said something about how he could see that I was going to be a challenge and in response to my insistence that I don't date he said "not yet anyway". Ah, well, those were my thoughts exactly when my girlfriend first turned me down and I happened to be right on that. Though.. why on earth would you say that out loud?! Even I don't have that much of an ego! xD If the other person doesn't feel it right now, they don't feel it, and telling them you think that it'll change will just put unnecessary pressure on them and lead to all kinds of awkwardness. My issue is that we really clicked and he's fun to be around so I would love to keep this friendship. I only know him from class, I'm a little suspicious of how quickly and enthusiastically he flip flopped from wanting to date me to just being friends. Did he say that? "Just" being friends? Generally, friendship doesn't preclude the possibility of a relationship, just as a relationship doesn't preclude the possibility of a friendship. Him wanting to be friends with you, doesn't mean he's given up completely, though neither does it mean he's not genuinely interested in that friendship in and of itself. I'm kind of afraid he's going to do something to me. Am I just being paranoid? Does this trip red flags for anyone else? None of what you said really hints one way or the other on this. But if you feel uncomfortable, I suggest to trust your gut and be careful. You have a plethora of information available that we don't, so it's a good idea to trust yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Im just going to say what I think people are thinking. I am getting a bit of a rapey vibe from this guy. He may not, he may be a perfectly fine guy with a lack of understanding for asexuality. But just be careful. I wouldnt be alone with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It does raise a red flag and I would definitely make sure I had other people around when I hung out with him, he does sound a little intense and creepy. However, on the other hand, some guys are just chancers, and will assume a girl is playing hard to get, and that they need to keep asking and teasing and hinting to what they want and that they need to 'take control' to get a girl to go along with them, and they're just playing the numbers (especially when they like a girl's personality) so maybe he was just chancing it and has accepted that you'll never be interested and decided to be friends with someone he gets on with really well. I mean, I don't know the guy, but I have known guys like that who'll ask and ask in the hopes of changing your mind but once you make it perfectly clear (especially if you explain being ace) they'll accept the fact and move on. So... supervised hanging out, with other friends, keep a weather eye out, but he may not actually be lying about moving on and wanting to be friends :) Link to post Share on other sites
Absol Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 What happened to phrase innocent until proven guiltily I agree that you should give him a chance, but I don't think that this phrase ^ can apply here. Sure, he may be innocent and just didn't realize how creepy he sounded to you, but of course there is always that chance that it's more than that. And you never ever ever want find yourself in a situation where he proves himself guilty. So I agree with everyone else who has suggested that you hang out with him in a group setting, but also if you'd like an alternative, consider only hanging out in very public places. For example, go for coffee at a popular coffee house, and take separate vehicles to meet there. If you ever start to get fishy vibes, just leave. Don't feel pressured to get into any situation that you feel may compromise your safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Otohime Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I had a guy who was romantically and sexually interested in me (for him, the two things were definitely connected, so I knew I would never date him.). He liked to flirt with me at work and such, so finally I managed to work it in that I was asexual. He looked disappointed for 5 seconds and then he said he understood. We became good friends, and he pretty much did a 180 overnight -- going from pursing me to being my pal. It was like a switch just went off in his mind, he just stopped seeing me that way, much the same as if I had told him I was lesbian. But I was very lucky because he both understood and respected my asexuality, and friendship just kinda happened because we worked together and got along really well.Not to say your guy is this way, but that's an example to where it is possible to go from wanting more than friends to being okay with just being friends.That said, you shouldn'r be around someone that you are uncomfortable with. At the very least, that's not very fun, is it? It sounds like he keeps asking to hang out and you keep saying "no." If you don't want to hang out, then don't. You don't even owe him friendship if you don't want that. You say you are afraid he is going to "do something." Do what? If you are truly afraid, then you shouldn't be around him. It doesn't matter if the fear is founded or not. Friends are someone you can be comfortable with and trust.Of course, if you really DO want to hang out with him - and you think the fear is just an irrational fear - then perhaps you just need to face going to see him. Let him prove himself, because otherwise you are just speculating. I'd recommend hang out in public or even better, with other friends. If he does really want friendship, then doing friendly things is going to be great with him. Finally, he sounds like he doesn't understand asexuality (or maybe he does and thinks you might still be romantically interested? That could be confusing if he does try to read up on it). If he is ignorant, he can be taught. But whatever his views on, it is important that if you say you aren't interested in him romantically, that he respects that. Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 "Innocent until proven guilty" is why I suggested the spending time with other friends around thing. That way she's still giving him a chance, but in a 'safer' way. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 "Innocent until proven guilty" is why I suggested the spending time with other friends around thing. That way she's still giving him a chance, but in a 'safer' way. Exactly, dont just blow the guy off. For all we know all of our fears are wrong. But dont give him a reason to prove his guilt if he is. Link to post Share on other sites
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