How to classify a relationship?

[Lord Jade Cross]

This is another one of those concepts that puzzles me and it probably boils down to how the people involved feel but... How would the line between really good friends differ from a relationship?

For example, say you have a friend with whom you can be incredibly open with. That you can share very personal and even intimate things with and with whom you have a degree of affection (emotional but it can also be physical) but that you don't know whether that's a friendship tethering on relationship or if its a relationship itself? How do you tell the difference

[Rising Sun]

Mutual attraction.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Is that the only defining factor?

[Rising Sun]

For me, yes. Some would say commitment is another important thing but commitment exists in friendships too, so you're attracted to each other ? You're more than friends. You aren't attracted to each other ? You're friends.

[Star Bit]

Not exactly.

By relationship, you mean romantic relationship, right?

The difference between a close friend and a romantic relationship is romantic attraction. Well, typically; if one person had romantic attraction and the other was cupioromantic (incapable of romantic feelings but desiring a romantic relationship) then it wouldn't boil down to mutual attraction. Otherwise it sounds like you're describing a queerplatonic relationship.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): an emotionally platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone."

So with all the variations that are possible in a romantic relationship; wants, unwants, mental responses, etc., it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and a fixation which can differ in intensity by person.

[Lord Jade Cross]

What about racing heartbeats, short breathlessness and a knot in your throat? When speaking to them, whether in person or over phone/net/etc?

[Annapox]

This might not be that helpful, but really, the relationship is what the people involved agree that it is. If you both think you're friends, then you're friends. If you both think you're dating, then you're dating. If you have different views on the relationship, then you need to talk about it and come to an agreement. But there are no set-in-stone rules other than what the people in the relationship agree on.

And yes, the things you just listed could be attributed to romantic attraction.

[Star Bit]

Sounds like romantic attraction. But what relationship do you want?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Hmmm that could be troublesome.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm sort of looking to not start thinking in terms if a relationship per se.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Romantic relationship that is

[Annapox]

If you don't want a romantic relationship, that's fine. You're not obligated to date everyone you're attracted to. If you just want to stay friends, then do that.

[Guest]

The choice of two (or more) people to refer to their shared situation by the word "partnership/relationship". Really, that's all there is to it... it's just about impossible for me to separate it from the term "close friendship" any further.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I guess I'll ask directly, but hopefully it won't be something that can turn into a problem.

[Star Bit]

How would a romantic relationship, or at least with this person, be troublesome/a problem? Because they're your best friend?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Romantic relationships aren't something that I believe I'm capable of handling. There are too many things that I wouldn't be able to do which most people would have no trouble doing. My way of seeing things and reacting to them is different than the usual way others think and this has already proven problematic in more simpler areas so I don't think its outcome would be any easier in a romantic situation. I have also nothing to offer than couldn't be found with someone else, so there's no need for me to try to kid myself with such an idea.

I also asked and the answer was that we were friends. Good friends but just friends so that's a good thing.

[Star Bit]

So what are these problems?

If we sort through things maybe it'll be possible for you to find the right partner.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Biggest ones are:

1) Trust issues: I didn't live a very regular life when I was growing up. People would pick on me for being different, for not being into the things they were into and they were quite good at making me feel bad with the things they did whether it was on a private setting or just humiliating me in public. So I don't trust people and that isn't really a good trait to have if I were to try to find a relationship.

2) Personal space issues: A close second to trust, I can't take it when people get to close to me. It freaks me out. This would also include touching and I'm pretty sure that in a relationship, no sex can be manageable with an asexual partner if I was fortunate enough to find one but no touching? I don't think many people would take too kindly to that.

3)Health issues/concerns: Related to the previous point, relationships come with a certain degree of exposure to some health issues, particularly if sex was involved. Sure an asexual partner would be theoretically better but if the person who I felt comfortable with was sexual and I found myself compromising for the sake of the relationship, I would be constantly worrying about the possible consequences of sex. The idea of catching something freaks me out on an astronomical level.

4) Idealism issues: Probably one of the most common problems even for people who want relationships and are more willing to compromise certain things, I tend to be at the opposite end of popular spectrums and the perceived "normalcy". It has generated problems in the past on surface level discussions, I don't think it be much better with emotional ones.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Combined, they create the biggest of the problem which would be actually wanting a relationship in the first place. To that gets mixed that fact that I've lived life to this point and not had a relationship thus far so I don't exactly miss a feeling of being in love or anything.

Romantic attraction isn't enough to convince me that I should give it a try. Even if both romantic and sexual attraction combined were present, I would just regard them as a temporary phase of obsession that would die out in a little while if I paid it no mind.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Out of curiosity, how could these issues be worked on?

[Null_and_Void]

If you think it may already be a romantic relationship, how would using that label to describe it suddenly make it something entirely different? Why do people get so damn hung up on labels? Just call it whatever you want to it and do whatever you want to do as long as it's not hurting anyone else. You aren't obligated to make your relationships conform to an average relationship. You have personal freedom, and you can talk to the other person to define the parameters.

I really don't know how this is so hard for people to grasp. It's like people are actively TRYING to male their own lives miserable.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Mostly to identify though I get what you mean. This is kind of my first time having these feelings towards someone whom I've been this close to so I'm rather confused and still trying to sort these things out. I guess the idea scares me in some ways because of things that have happened before.

Still, taking into account what I was told, it may be best for me in the long run to try and forget as I have mentioned before. But somehow that makes me feel sad. I'm kind of going around in circles or something here...

[Lord Jade Cross]

Has anyone else being in this type of situation? How did you handle it? :(

The more I think about it, the more confused I become.

[binary suns]

Biggest ones are:

1) Trust issues: I didn't live a very regular life when I was growing up. People would pick on me for being different, for not being into the things they were into and they were quite good at making me feel bad with the things they did whether it was on a private setting or just humiliating me in public. So I don't trust people and that isn't really a good trait to have if I were to try to find a relationship.

2) Personal space issues: A close second to trust, I can't take it when people get to close to me. It freaks me out. This would also include touching and I'm pretty sure that in a relationship, no sex can be manageable with an asexual partner if I was fortunate enough to find one but no touching? I don't think many people would take too kindly to that.

3)Health issues/concerns: Related to the previous point, relationships come with a certain degree of exposure to some health issues, particularly if sex was involved. Sure an asexual partner would be theoretically better but if the person who I felt comfortable with was sexual and I found myself compromising for the sake of the relationship, I would be constantly worrying about the possible consequences of sex. The idea of catching something freaks me out on an astronomical level.

4) Idealism issues: Probably one of the most common problems even for people who want relationships and are more willing to compromise certain things, I tend to be at the opposite end of popular spectrums and the perceived "normalcy". It has generated problems in the past on surface level discussions, I don't think it be much better with emotional ones.

feel free to ignore my thoughts if you don;'t like them ^_^ just thinking because I like thinking

generally, it'd be a good idea to figure out if these restrictions are like, if they are who you are, or if they are something that you want to "get over".

if it's like, this is the kind of relationship you want, than feel confident. let potential partners know these things are import to you, and that you'd be building a relationship off of this. know that if the relationship isn't a match, it's gotta unfortunately end :( but also know, that every relationship has compromises. you want to try to find a compromise if possible, before just giving up, if you care about someone. with experience, you'll get better at expressing your thoughts, and find ways that make a relationship work for you. you could even think through or talk through possibilities with a friend or counselor or yourself, if you want, with needing to be in a relationship.

if it's something that you feel like, I'm not exactly sure how to say this. the only thing I know is, that I used to trust everyone easily. I was very open too. but after being hurt a buncha times, well my trust broke.. I do not really trust very easily. I know that my lack of trust is something that can change, and something that I want to change. I feel like I need to be with someone who I can trust in a relationship, but right now I don't feel like it's possible for me to trust someone like that. so my trust is something I want to work on. something I want to improve.

I'm a little anxious so, I know you probably wanna hear more... but basically what I'm saying is, if you know that these things are things you want to change, then believe in yourself and try to figure ways to work through them. but if these are things you think you want in a relationship, then know that that is who you are.

and, remember, however you are and however you feel is OK :) don't be afraid and whatnot, and stuff.. I'm afraid of my scenario :( but every day I work to defeat that fear more better -_-

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm also like thinking, though at times I've been called insane for wanting to know things or see things from radically new perspectives.

Anyways, I share a similar situation to yours. I used to trust people(not in relationships but still) and people abused of that trust so I became wary of doing it again. Growing up was very emotionally stressing because of both family situations and social situations. As a result of both I began holding a great mistrust for people. And year after year, my mistrust grew because I saw that people didn't change no matter how much I was told otherwise.

When it came to relationships, there was no way I could trust someone on that kind of emotional level because to me every single person was fake and frauds. Aside from that my family underwent very stressful relationship issues and I was present in them so I got a front row seat at what words like "love" led to. And they were over strict and manipulative (still are to this day) so its not like they would allow me to experiment even though nowadays they have questioned why I don't date (hypocrisy much?)

So when this current situation (that's not really to go anywhere since even if I confessed, the answer has already been given) showed itself, the idea of me becoming involved with someone, even though we have known each other scares me. I don't know what or if I should be feeling this, whatever it is; a crush, a temporary obsession, love, whatever name can be given to it.

[Star Bit]

Asensual is a thing; having no sensual attraction; no desire for non-sexual physical contact. The term is most useful for romantics; platonically it would only be of use if you were touch averse but then you should just go by that; its self explanatory and Asensual does not include averse so you'd also have to include that. People can react differently to receiving what they dont feel in return; some are indifferent, averse, or repulsed. I'm an indifferent asensual but i can appreciate its massage of platonic or romantic love. Is this about any specific romantic things or physical contact from a partner in general; kissing (there are different kinds), cuddling, etc.? Eskimo kisses? (i love doing that with my cat :3 and btw its an Egyptian thing too; Egyptian kiss? it was viewed as the most romantic gesture-- i saw it in a documentary but i cant find anything on it from google) About your third point, there is Hepatitis C; its catchable through blood (its more likely than you think; link). But as long as your partner is tested and they follow the safety precautions, then you should be satisfied, right?

Well, you could help the first issue by making close friends. At least that helped me. It didnt get rid of the notion though, but it helped. With the second issue, there is touch therapy/exposing yourself to it slowly, maybe have a positive link; another person on here has the same problem and i suggested (I'm not a professional) that they use their cat positively associated it with how the cat responds to it and then to the person. Maybe start off with sitting close, pokeing, patting, etc.; small steps. Dont force yourself or dwell on the desired result; it will be a work in progress. But you dont necessarily need to fix this. And the fourth issue is helpable with slowly letting go of those expectations; one by one. I don't know the specifics of the expectations that cause trouble so i cant be more helpful.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Usually, I'm much againts having contact with other people. I have learned to tolerate it somewhat but in if it were left up to me, I wouldn't even greet with a handshake. A kiss on the cheek as its a common gesture when saying hi to women is something that makes my skin crawl. I tolerate too of course because if a woman comes over to say hi and you back away from that, it looks terribly rude. But I don't like it and many times, I will try to just say hi from afar as much as I can to avoid having to touch/being touched. People have noticed this and don't tend to take it too well.

Things like actually lip kissing aren't exactly very appealing to me. The only time I did that, well technical was done to me, I was caught off guard and it came from a friend who had fallen in love with me. She told me to close my eyes and kissed me on the lips, quickly retracting from it and later telling me how she did so because she felt how uncomfortable it made me. Never after that have I (thankfully) kissed/been kissed on the lips.

The idea of being too overly touchy with anyone pretty much causes the same skin crawling reaction in me. Touching feels suffocating to me. The closer a person is, the more freaked out I become, at times just wanting to push them away.