Your definition of friendzone?

[Cleo]

I searched for similar topics, but they were like ancient, so I thought to open my own and I hope it's in right sub-forum. :D

So, since we're asexual community, I thought it'd be interesting to know, what is your definition of friendzone? Since, even though the sexuals' definition of friendzone depends on the person, it usually comes down to "nice guy getting turned down by a girl/girl didn't want to have sex with him". And considering asexuals don't have desire for sex ... Do you even believe in friendzone? What does friendzone mean to you? I don't even know what to ask, so just ... express your feelings about it, let's start a discussion.

As for me, for long time I didn't believe in friendzone. Even before I could claim myself as asexual. I mean, two human beings not reciprocating each others feelings is just that ... unrequited love on one part, why is there a need to invent a new word? And if one of the beings doesn't want to have sex with the other, thats their human right too. And if something like friendzone really exists, I'd be absolutely thrilled to be in one and not having to worry about other person thinking of me sexually. :D

Don't hate, that's just my interpretation of friendzone definition. What's yours? And any thoughts, comments, just ... let it all out. :)

P.S.: though I used girl friendzoning boy as the first example, I mean all relationships, gay, lesbian, girl friendzoning boy, boy friendzoning girl, just to clarify.

[allrightalready]

friendzone = man cannot handle being friends because all a woman to him is something to masturbate with and throw away like a used kleenex so if she turns him down he whines to his buds that he got "friendzoned"

[Tarfeather]

In my opinion, the friend zone is real, but not in the way that many define/use the term. For one, the term "friend" is misleading. If you get "friend zoned", you don't get treated with the same respect that I personally would expect of a friend. It's basically getting placed in a pool of people who are somewhere below the level of importance that a "partner" has. And yes, some women do that, and I'm not a fan, as I love the idea of relationship anarchy. Personally, if I got "friend zoned" again, I probably could see that as reason to end that friendship, depending on the circumstances.

My definition of 'friendzone' is 'bullshit'.

Pfhfhf, that's the EXACT phrase that came to my mind when reading the thread title. Stop tapping into my mind! But as I said, while I think the way the term is generally defined is indeed bullshit, I think the concept has some truth to it.

[Fire & Rain]

To me it sounds like the best zone there is lol

Friendzone only seems to exist in US (correct me if I'm wrong). You (not you OP, "general you" lol) pursue someone and if that love interest only wants to be friends with you. Then, it's up to you to either leave or stay as friends. There's no "zone" and if there was, you could get out of it by stop being friends.

I think it stems from the influence of cultural beliefs and the media. Males thinking they deserve love and affection from females if they did x, y, z steps in order. It's like a rewarding system. So they get pissed when they didn't get "the reward." That's why you hear guys complain "I'm a nice guy but she didn't choose me." Well, being nice is the least thing you could do as a human being. What are these guys presenting themselves other than being nice? How are they different from other guys when their niceness has ulterior motives?

Attraction doesn't work as a rewarding system either. You could pursue someone your entire life and do all the right things but they might never reciprocate your feelings. We don't deserve anything. If someone wants to only be friends with you, you have no right to complain.

[Elluna Hellen]

Friendzoning is when a person cannot handle the fact that their crush has the right to decide whether to date/have sex with them or not, and so they whine about the person being a bitch/jerk (sorry, bad language :P)

(yes, person, because it's not just guys that complain about it. Mostly, but probably not ONLY guys :P)

[<Tom>]

My definition of 'friendzone' is 'bullshit'.

Pretty much sums it up.

[Flyaway4me]

I think friend zoning is a social construct. It feeds upon the idea that a woman owes the man sexual/romantic recuperation for his kindness. Kindness should be done as a decent human being, not for inappropriate personal gain.

My definition of 'friendzone' is 'bullshit'.

Pretty much sums it up.

Amen.

[~RedArcher]

People who spit at the "friendzone" term upset me a little because I use this term.

Friendzone to me, is basically everybody.

I'm Aro-Ace so from the moment I meet someone, they are instantly friendzoned; as in, christened as a friend and not a potential lover or partner.

I never ever meet someone and think "this could work". It's not even one of the first things that pops into my head. After meeting someone, it'll take me a week to think about a hypothetical relationship, and even then it's a passing thought. As soon as I meet someone, it's "yay, a new friend!". Nothing else.

I don't get why people think the friendzone is anything but what I just explained. The friendzone is just that - the zone in which you are a friend.

Sometimes I admit I have to use the friendzone as a weapon and ego-crash some men I come across, only because they're so insufferably ignorant they think that I, as a woman, owe them sex and pestering me will get me to do it. That's the only time, just to put those people in their place.

[ACWells]

To you it may be a fun, innocent term that simply means you have no interest in a person beyong friendship. However to a sexual misogynist it can be defined thusly:

"I was nice to her and she won't have sex with me. She put me in the friend zone". Unfortunately the term is frequently used by people who don't understand friendship or love and rather than chemical attraction believe people are attracted to kindness which they feign in the hopes of attracting someone and while as a strict definition the 'friend zone' is simply a descriptive term, the use by idiots has turned it in to a negative term implying that the condition of kindness is sex.

[ACWells]

...using it as a weapon against these idiots who feel like they're owed sex only serves to redefine it further in their minds as an insult rather than fact.

[Tarfeather]

Sometimes I admit I have to use the friendzone as a weapon and ego-crash some men I come across, only because they're so insufferably ignorant they think that I, as a woman, owe them sex and pestering me will get me to do it. That's the only time, just to put those people in their place.

Well.. that is kind of part of what annoys me about the "friend zone", yes. Consider my position. I have my needs. I'm not particularly attractive or extroverted so hell will freeze over before a woman who's not emotionally connected to me will share any kind of sexuality with me. And then the only remaining avenue for me, begging a friend, is made off limits using this "social construct".

To be honest, that doesn't feel very friendship-like to me. If a friend I have no feelings for asked me for something like that, I'd probably turn them down. But I wouldn't think badly of them for it. I wouldn't even think badly of them if they kept bringing it up. I'd feel more empathic that this is such a big issue for them.

I'm a relationship anarchist, so I don't see a fundamental difference between friendship and relationship. It's completely fine for me to ask my girlfriend for sex, as long as I'm prepared to be turned down and respect her wishes. I think most people would agree with me on that. So why is it not okay to ask a friend? That just confuses the hell out of me.

[~RedArcher]

Okay, so it isn't the best way to go about it, but when a guy is borderline stalking me, finding out ways to contact me, making excuses to talk to me just so he can make his perverted quips, try to convince me to sleep with him and I CANNOT get away from him, then I will do what I have to do. If it's going to take a "friendzone" insult to send him away with his tail between his legs, then so be it.

I cannot handle normal conversation about that department, how do you think it feels to be stalked by guys who wont let go? It's a scary thing. ESPECIALLY if they know you're asexual, an orientation people still think is for a bunch of virgin, cry-baby prudes who are sexually repressed, so they think you're an easy target.

[Nevyn]

There's a whole lot of assigning motive to other people going on here. Relationships are complicated and people get hurt, they express that in all sorts of ways. Someone's chosen method of resolving that hurt is venting and should be understood as such. Judging them for it is not anyone's place. While it's true that no-one is entitled to a relationship, we are all entitled to seek our own happiness.

[Tarfeather]

Okay, so it isn't the best way to go about it, but when a guy is borderline stalking me, finding out ways to contact me, making excuses to talk to me just so he can make his perverted quips, try to convince me to sleep with him and I CANNOT get away from him, then I will do what I have to do. If it's going to take a "friendzone" insult to send him away with his tail between his legs, then so be it.

I cannot handle normal conversation about that department, how do you think it feels to be stalked by guys who wont let go? It's a scary thing. ESPECIALLY if they know you're asexual, an orientation people still think is for a bunch of virgin, cry-baby prudes who are sexually repressed, so they think you're an easy target.

Sorry, my bad. I'm forgetting context again, so let me state the obvious for a moment: When you tell someone you're not comfortable with X, whatever X is, and whatever your relationship with them (friendship, love relationship, family, whatever), then they had better stop X. It's just, that has nothing to do with being "friend zoned" and everything with respecting the other.

Now, if someone is doing what you said there, they are obviously not your friend anyway. And I don't understand why a friend zone kind of comment would stop them when you saying that you're uncomfortable with it would not. But if it works, I guess it works, and I don't really have a problem with you using that strategy? Just seems weird that it works, lol.

[~RedArcher]

Well, more often than not, the friendzone is wrongly used by women who think they are too high a league for another person trying their luck in dating them.

The friendzone has went from "I just think of you as a friend" to "you're not good enough for me so you might as well stay there with the other riffraff" sort of thing. A lot of men take the friendzone as an insult, and sometimes a male group will laugh at a friendzoned guy because it means he has no chance of getting sex, whether he's been labelled as not man enough or some other strange reason.

(Using heterosexuality as the example)

[Rising Sun]

In my opinion, the friend zone is real, but not in the way that many define/use the term. For one, the term "friend" is misleading. If you get "friend zoned", you don't get treated with the same respect that I personally would expect of a friend. It's basically getting placed in a pool of people who are somewhere below the level of importance that a "partner" has. (...)

This.

You're friendzoned = you're the person's second-class social circle. You don't have any real importance in the person's heart, in a society where friends are supposed to be just friendly acquaintances to hang out and have fun with, nothing more. Being friendzoned isn't even real friendship.

[~RedArcher]

I guess I've been using friendzone wrong all these years.

Either that, I'm just the one non-asshole.

[ACWells]

I think people also use it to suggest if you become friends with someone you lose any desire for them. Obviously the exact opposite is true for demis. Aces have no desire for them to start with. And personally I'm almost never attracted to a person (we're talking one in a million) and getting to be friends with them makes no difference whatsoever to my total lack of desire for them.

[ACWells]

So basically depending on your definition of friendzone, it's either the basis of asexual society or utterly redundant in it :D

[Hazelton]

Some really good points made above. It's such a shame that some people can't accept friendship as the gift that it truly is.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

This must be a US term because I've never heard it (nor do I believe we have an equivalent). Sounds pretty much a butt-hurt reaction to rejection to me though.

[Rising Sun]

I see it not only on American websites, but 90% of the time, I see the word on single men and incel forums. I guess it must come from incel forums, just like all those stupid "nice guy" / "alpha male" bullshit.

[Guest]

Friendzone, the (also a verb) = the state of being friends with someone and ruling out anything beyond a platonic relationship with them; as a verb: the action of declaring this.

There's nothing bad about this, and it's a very real thing. I've friendzoned people and have been friendzoned - that's just how life works.

The real issue is:

Misogynist Douchebag (noun, m) = someone who is in a woman's friendzone and makes a big entitled huffy fuss about it instead of accepting it gracefully. Strong overlap with "Nice Guy^TM"

That's the problem, not the friendzone itself. And yes, it's a big problem, because there's a lot of these misogynist douchebags around.

[Rising Sun]

Friendzone, the (also a verb) = the state of being friends with someone and ruling out anything beyond a platonic relationship with them; as a verb: the action of declaring this.

There's nothing bad about this, and it's a very real thing. I've friendzoned people and have been friendzoned - that's just how life works.

The real issue is:

Misogynist Douchebag (noun, m) = someone who is in a woman's friendzone and makes a big entitled huffy fuss about it instead of accepting it gracefully. Strong overlap with "Nice Guy^TM"

That's the problem, not the friendzone itself. And yes, it's a big problem, because there's a lot of these misogynist douchebags around.

But the use of "friendzoned" depends on the context. If platonic relationships aren't considered as secondary compared with romance, why saying "being friendzoned" ? Why not simply saying "being friends" ? "Being friends" sounds positive, "being friendzoned" sounds negative (almost like being in jail).

[Guest]

The difference. IMO, is in being open for adding "benefits" (as in FWB, which does not necessarily have to man sex) to the 'ship. "The friendzone" explicitly and permanently rules out everything nonplatonic, whereas "being friends" remains open to the possibility.

So, I guess someone who feels entitled to the benefits (a.k.a., is a douchebag) would indeed feel it as a negative/jail-like situation.

[Manic Pixie Dream Nerd]

Friendzone– a magical place I try to get to when I have a squish

[Guest]

I don't understand the issue with "friendzone". If you have strong romantic feelings for someone and they aren't reciprocated, that shit hurts. Being hurt by it doesn't make you a douchebag, or misogynistic or any other negative... anything. It makes you a person with feelings. Rejection hurts and that is not wrong.

Acting on that hurt is wrong. But that has nothing to do with friendzone... that's just a person who doesn't respect boundaries. A corollary issue, sure, but directly tied to the definition of "friendzone"? Absolutely not.

[Tarfeather]

So, I guess someone who feels entitled to the benefits (a.k.a., is a douchebag) would indeed feel it as a negative/jail-like situation.

Oh, I was going to ask whether I was included in your definition of `douchebag`, but you already answered that. Well, bummer. At least you don't have to worry about me whining about being "friend zoned", as I don't intend to maintain such a friendship to begin with.

[Guest]

I don't understand the issue with "friendzone". If you have strong romantic feelings for someone and they aren't reciprocated, that shit hurts. Being hurt by it doesn't make you a douchebag, or misogynistic or any other negative... anything. It makes you a person with feelings. Rejection hurts and that is not wrong.

Acting on that hurt is wrong. But that has nothing to do with friendzone... that's just a person who doesn't respect boundaries. A corollary issue, sure, but directly tied to the definition of "friendzone"? Absolutely not.

Agreed. To clarify my stance on this: You can absolutely be hurt about something (= human) without making an entitled huffy fuss about it (= douchebag).

Sometimes, one's emotions are better kept to one's self (and/or, for those so inclined, literally "between you and you god" - personally, I've found prayer/meditation to help with coping with socially induced pain, quite a lot).

Oh, I was going to ask whether I was included in your definition of `douchebag`, but you already answered that. Well, bummer. At least you don't have to worry about me whining about being "friend zoned", as I don't intend to maintain such a friendship to begin with.

Whut??? You never came across to me as acting on entitlement. In fact, I severely doubt we'd have managed to have a close, friendly dialogue if you did. (As you well know, I loathe entitlement with a passion, and am all about respecting and fostering the exact opposite - the right of everyone to make free choices about their own life.)

[Rising Sun]

So, I guess someone who feels entitled to the benefits (a.k.a., is a douchebag) would indeed feel it as a negative/jail-like situation.

I wouldn't see the situation that way, but if I have a friend and this friend tells me "so I would like us to friendzone each other because I don't want you to develop anything else for me", I would feel like there isn't much trust. Being friends and nothing else, especially with someone who isn't open to romance (for example, where one of the two persons is involved in a monogamous relationship, if their romantic orientations are opposite, or if at least one of the two said "I prefer being single"), is a part of a loyal and trusting friendship to me. Sometimes I don't think "I don't want our friendship to become something else" is something that needs to be explicitly said. It can be implicitly understood between two friends who know and understand each other well. Maybe I idealize friendships too much :D but it's a part of the way I see a great friendship.