Maybe-Ace Needs Help!

[onceuponanobsessedfan]

I like to masturbate, so I guess I have a sex drive. Not very often, but it's there.

Sex feel boring and uninteresting to me. Ergo, I don't have sexual desire.

As for sexual attraction, I find many people to be aesthetically pleasing, but not to the point that I want to have sex with them. Even though I watch porn, I've never imagined myself having sex with the stars or what it would be like to fuck like a porn star.

Here's where I'm confused:

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's my first and only sexual partner. Sex has almost always been boring and/or uninteresting to me (like doing the dishes or filing taxes). I am very attracted to him in a million ways, but sex just isn't one of those ways. I don't fantasize about being with other men, nor do I feel like I'm "missing out" on anything in particular. I love him dearly, I'm just not interested in the sex part.

HOWEVER, I can maybe count on one hand times where I've enjoyed sex in our 4 years together. Of those 4 years, I had a great time maybe twice. And by "great time," I mean that he initiated the sex, I went along with it (because I love him and I want to make him happy), and I ended up enjoying it. But that's only happened in our relationship a handful of times. I wasn't drunk or using special lube or toys or anything. My enjoyment just sort of happened.

Does this still make me asexual? I'd say about 95% of the time sex is very uninteresting or "blah" to me. I haven't told my boyfriend that I think I might be asexual--I'm still figuring it out myself. But I'm worried about telling him, and then he'll use those times that I've enjoyed it as "proof" that I'm not really ace.

Am I fooling myself here? I feel so confused and broken.

[Peachyy]

• Asexuals have functioning bodies
• Asexuals are capable of having and enjoying sex if they want to participate
• Asexuals can have libido (high or low, just like.. normal! people) and some asexuals masturbate
• Asexuals can enjoy porn, erotica

Perhaps the reason you have only enjoyed sex a handful of times isn't because you were suddenly not asexual, but because the sex was good sex/your boyfriend pleased you and your body responded to it. Asexual or not, people have unenjoyable/boring sex , and it's not due to them becoming asexual for a moment, but because they did not receive attention to their body. Were there any differences between the enjoyable sex and the regular, not-so-great sex? Do you think your sex drive is only occasionally high enough to where being stimulated by another person is good? Lots of asexuals that are sex positive have sex because they want to please their partner, despite not really having enough interest or connection to the act to get anything special from it. It's completely your choice if you want to continue having sex with him, and it's fine (if it's fine with you) if you are doing it for him. However, if you would rather not, don't.

You sound Ace to me unless I'm missing something.

And maybe, tell him, talk about it.

[Star Bit]

Although sex drive is a synonym to libido, sex drive obviously sounds like a drive to have sex while libido does not. Masturbating does not always mean someone has a desire for sex. That's why we use libido to mean masturbation-drive eventhough there is no official word for it/libido officially refers to sex. Asexuals can masturbate because they enjoy the pleasure or because their hormones have fluctuated and they need to satisfy it to shut up the arousal.

Liking aesthetics is not sexual attraction. Sexual attraction means someones presence sexually arouses you and you have a desire/impulse to do sexual things to/with that person. Aesthetic attraction is when you have a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms; a pull to look at them. This is different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing with no fixation.

Hmm, can you think of anything that was different when you enjoyed sex? Were you more aroused? Was your desire to masturbate coincidently around when you had sex?

[Lost247365]

Based on your story, I really do think you are asexual. I would say 95% certain.

And if identifying as an asexual turns out to be wrong for you, then feel free to switch back to identifying as a sexual. Or if you still feel unsure you could identify as a grey-sexual or demi-sexual or just about anything. There is no penalty for being wrong, and no limit on the number of times you can choose to change how you identify.

Of course, I have to put the standard disclaimer that I am not you, and only you can know for sure...

But I totally do think you are! So welcome to Aven and have some cake

[Elluna Hellen]

Sounds like you could very well be asexual.

Asexuality does not mean you can't find sex enjoyable.

Asexuality does not mean you can't have a sex drive.

It only means that you don't find yourself sexually attracted to people.

Welcome! :cake: :cake:

[onceuponanobsessedfan]

Were there any differences between the enjoyable sex and the regular, not-so-great sex? Do you think your sex drive is only occasionally high enough to where being stimulated by another person is good?

Hmm, can you think of anything that was different when you enjoyed sex? Were you more aroused? Was your desire to masturbate coincidently around when you had sex?

I honestly have no idea why sex was good for me those few times. I don't recall being drunk (I actually don't like drinking and having sex--it feels worse much of the time), but it's quite possible those few times just coincided with when I needed to "clear out the plumbing" with masturbation. But even after the "good" sex, I never had a desire for it or wished I could keep having it. It was nice to make my boyfriend feel good, and it certainly was nice at the time, but I never ended up "pining" for sex afterwards. It just became a chore again.

I think a large part of my disinterest in it is because sex is actually quite painful most of the time. There's a specific word for it, but I can't remember--basically, I just clamp up down there when there's any kind of penetration. Pap smears are sheer hell for me. But I know that, even if I ever get to the point where sex does hurt, it still doesn't interest me. My boyfriend has tried other ways to please me that doesn't involve penetration, but it just doesn't feel the same as when I do it to myself. I'm not afraid or grossed out, I just don't get the same kind of pleasure. It's boring and sometimes I just lie there and wait for it to be over with.

Based on your story, I really do think you are asexual. I would say 95% certain.

And if identifying as an asexual turns out to be wrong for you, then feel free to switch back to identifying as a sexual. Or if you still feel unsure you could identify as a grey-sexual or demi-sexual or just about anything. There is no penalty for being wrong, and no limit on the number of times you can choose to change how you identify.

Of course, I have to put the standard disclaimer that I am not you, and only you can know for sure...

But I totally do think you are! So welcome to Aven and have some cake

Thank you so much. All of you are so nice and supportive! I recently told my therapist that I might be ace, and she was really awesome about it. She agreed with me and assured me I wasn't broken or anything.

The absolute worst part about all of this is that I still have to tell my boyfriend. We're getting married next year. He's my first and only sexual partner and I just know he's going to take it personally. How can I assure him that I still love him and want to be intimate with him in ways that don't involve sex? Like, I don't mind pleasing him, and I don't even mind working on making it so sex doesn't hurt. I'm just so afraid he's not going to understand and he'll leave me because of it. :(

[Star Bit]

Its called Vaginismus. wrong i think, brb

Acting sexually toward someone your not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deturnat. That's why masturbation is more pleasurable. There are alternatives; you can use anatomical sex toys, have an open relationship, have assisted masturbation (he masturbates while your making out or groping him), and some asexuals feel less pressured or that their parts aren't doing things they dont want to if its non-vaginal or non-anal; like dry sex, using the body to make makeshift crevices; oral, hand job, (vulgar warning) penis between the butt cheeks or armpit. There are many ways to have sex. Its better to tell him now than get married and divorced because of it latter. Sexuals dont even seem to understand the phrase sexual attraction so putting it as explicit/simply as possible is better. I put sexual attraction as someones presence sexually arousing and having the desire/impulse to do sexual things to that person. Also, both of you would be making sexual compromises; less than what he wants but more than what you want.