ACWells Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 So I watched (A) Sexual on Netflix yesterday, out of interest, thinking 'This will be a learning experience'. Thinking 'I'm not asexual, because I do get attracted to people, once in a blue moon' (three or four people in 30 years...) and 'I'm not asexual because I do rarely experience sexual desire' (won't go in to details, but non-sex based porn, a few times a year). Then I watched the whole thing and thought... Oh. Hang on.... See, I really want love. I want a relationship, someone to cuddle with and hug and sometimes kiss, but the whole sex part, I'm not, nor have I ever been, particularly interested in. Again, I'll spare you any in-depth details, but I swore off oral (giving and receiving) a long time ago (It's gross!!) and I hate foreplay, I'm a 'skip to the end, let's get it over with and then we can have some nice close cuddling once we're appropriately bathed' kind of person. I find it creepy when people are sexually attracted to me, I hate compliments, I dress extremely conservatively (jeans and a t-shirt is my uniform)... But how do I find a relationship with someone else who never or very very rarely wants sex? I find people of both genders physically attractive, but I'm almost never blown away by sexual attraction to them- and when I do get that sort of desire it tends to be to someone who's already in a relationship- which could just be my mind trying to find me a 'safe' option, someone who I can't have sex with therefore is unthreatening in that manner. I'm not- to the best of my knowledge- traumatised by past experiences, I've just never gotten much out of sex, never particularly enjoyed it, find touching icky and pointless, and relationships tend to be ruined eventually by them kissing me and me getting creeped out because I know they're attempting foreplay. I've been left utterly confused- I want someone I find physically attractive to snuggle with, massage (and be massaged by) and occasionally kiss, without the icky pointlessness of sex. I want a deep, loving, intimate relationship without the sex. I don't care how it's labelled- whether I'm asexual or graysexual (although that reminds me of the travesty that is 50 shades so I'd avoid that label on that basis ;) ) I just want to know.. what now? How can I find someone who wants the same things as I do, who loves me but doesn't make me feel objectified or like I'm just sexy, not clever or interesting or fun to be around? I'm so, so lonely. I hold friends to high standards that they rarely meet because I'm really seeking a partner, someone to share life with who we can allow ourselves to revolve around and prioritise each other, so I constantly feel let down by friends not prioritising me at all, by not having that one special person... I'm ranting, I'm sorry. It's taken me a day to figure out what I want to say and I'm stumbling with it. I guess- hi, everyone. I'm glad to be here, I'm sorry to rant, and I'm desperate to know how I can find a special someone who hates sex as much as I do... Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You are the second person tonight to mention that doctumentary. I'll have to check it out. :) Anyway, welcome to AVEN, ACWells! You are definitely not alone in your feelings. I recommend the link in my signature, the physical touch escalator, through which I was able to better differentiate my desire for physical affection and my (complete lack of) sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Niki42481 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Hi, I found this site watching the same movie on Netflix lol haven't got to watch it all because my son got up and wanted to watch pokemon so I guess ill watch the rest later,I feel you about sex, it feels dirty to me but I am opposite in the fact I don't mind the intamasy of foreplay, although like you the oral aspect of foreplay kinda grosses me out, it is weird for me though because a the beginning of my relationships I can be very sexual for a few months but then it disapates and I don't want it anymore, I don't find anyone particularly physically attractive I fall in love with aspects like a good sence of humor, and treating me and my kids good, or someone I can talk to about anything, I guess in that aspect I could be attracted to guys and girls alike but it seems like more of a live in best friend then it does a typical relationship, today was the first day I ever heard about asexuality, but like you after learning more and more about it I find that I may have finally found an explanation of my life and it feels great and bad all at the same time, part of me longs to have a normal sexual appetite but the other part of me is fine being who I am, I would rather hold someone's hand, cuddle, watch movies, go for walks or many other ways of showing intamacy other than intercourse. It is so great to finally find a group of people I can open up to and express my feelings to who understand me and don't try to tell me there is something wrong with me or that I need to go to the doctors and get fixed. This site has taken so much weight and stress off my shoulders and I look forward to learning all about everyone and hopefully make some new lifelong friends Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you for the link, A Fish Drowning, very interesting. I certainly do feel like I'm denied any kind of physical intimacy because of my unwillingness to 'go through with it' after reaching a certain stage. I also love the comment in your signature about cats and the difference between getting in a box and being put in one :) Niki, I think we're very different in our experiences/desires- I feel immense physical attraction to some people, very, very rarely, but still only want to cuddle and kiss with them, I don't want the sex part of it. Sometimes I can be persuaded and can even enjoy myself but ultimately I'm happier without it, would prefer not to, and have never gotten very much out of sex- there's no end game for me. I don't really want more than five or ten minutes of it, and again, would just prefer not to, it's just not really worth it. And I don't enjoy foreplay at all (sexual touching)- if you class hugs and kisses as foreplay (which I wouldn't, I would prefer to categorise them as intimacy independent of sex) then I do enjoy those to a point but I don't like the sexual touching. I, like you, find it easier during the beginning of a relationship to have sex and then don't want it at all later on. But I am attracted to people and only enjoy hugging and kissing people I'm attracted to, I just don't want to go any further than that. Hence my utter confusion! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Hi and welcome to AVEN! You'll find that lots of people here have feelings similar to you, and some asexuals define themselves in terms of lack of desire for sexual activity with others as well as lack of sexual attraction, so that's something to think about too. This is a good place to learn more and hear what others have to say about it. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this amazing community!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Hi! Thank you for the welcome. I do worry about that beautiful cat with that cake though ha ha :) Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: A lot of people here were able realize they were asexual and find us based on the (A)sexual documentary, and I'm glad it was able to help you as well! It's great that you're finally starting to gain a better understanding of yourself and I hope that meeting others here who share similar experiences will help you out in some way. AVEN is also a great place to earn more about the asexual spectrum if you're still unsure about anything! I hope that you are able to find everything you're looking for here, and that you enjoy being a member of our community! Best of luck with everything! Also, I recommend the link in my signature, the physical touch escalator, through which I was able to better differentiate my desire for physical affection and my (complete lack of) sexual attraction. I just wanted to say that that article verbalized a lot of my fears as an ace who enjoys non-romantic and non-sexual physical contact. I was already aware of the difference, but because other people aren't, I feel like I am constantly watching my actions to make sure I am not leading people on. Thank so much a fish drowning for indirectly bringing it to my attention!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 I feel the same- I've been guilted in to going further than I'm comfortable with because I enjoy some touching and hugging in a romantic context but dont want to go further and like you find myself constantly self-checking to make sure I'm not 'leading people on'. But as the tea is like consent video (I assume you've seen it) teaches us, you can't 'lead someone on' people should never assume that some closeness guarantees all closeness!! Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I feel the same- I've been guilted in to going further than I'm comfortable with because I enjoy some touching and hugging in a romantic context but dont want to go further and like you find myself constantly self-checking to make sure I'm not 'leading people on'. But as the tea is like consent video (I assume you've seen it) teaches us, you can't 'lead someone on' people should never assume that some closeness guarantees all closeness!! I have seen it, and I think it is an excellent way to describe how consent works. Of course, not everyone sees it that way, which is where the problem lies. It's good to know I'm not alone in the problem though. Hopefully as asexuality becomes more well-known and society in general more accepting of people who only enjoy certain kinds of physical contact or relationships, these issues will become less and less relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 That's definitely the hope :) friend of mine missed the point entirely, insisting he'd rather just drink the tea than make them feel rejected... *facepalm* Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Have I seen the tea video? (Looks at signiture). Well there are actually quit a few ways one can engage in sexual activities without actually doing them themselves. Such as special lines of sex toys made for long distance, which could be awesome if someone is averse to physical sex. Or maybe if you are lucky you can find a fellow asexual to spend the rest of your life with eating cake, but never having sex. Best of luck to you and welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
givememyname Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Hello and welcome!! ^_^ :cake: Don't worry, a lot of us seek a partner/significant other, you're definitely not alone! it's kind of hard for us, but absolutely possible! Have you read the "success story" thread? ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 I started reading it, then my skin started to turn green and my heart turned black in envy, so I had to stop ;) Link to post Share on other sites
givememyname Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I started reading it, then my skin started to turn green and my heart turned black in envy, so I had to stop ;) Haha, I know that feeling! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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