*** Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Are there other asexuals here who are reluctant to be open about a queer-platonic or romantic relationship because of how it might be "read" by outsiders? Knowing that my relationship would likely be viewed as heterosexual, I was uncomfortable being open about it; more specifically, I was uncomfortable with the assumptions that would be made about the nature of the relationship. Perhaps this is because I'm a fairly private person and not open with most people about my orientation. Anyway, I'm wondering if other people have also been uncomfortable with this and how they've dealt with it. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
mausgrau Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 "You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do." --David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest Link to post Share on other sites
Ninti Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I don't know how much this will help, but at some point you need to just keep in mind that their assumptions are theirs and not a reflection on you. It's really hard to separate ourselves from what other people think about us, but it's worth the effort, especially in cases like this. With the people you are close to (family, friends), I'd advise just being candid. I came out as asexual a few years ago and still make comments from time to time about "not getting it". My family mostly I think ignores it because they don't get it, and I admit I have a particularly open-minded family, but if it's important to you to have their acceptance (it was for me), then it's a necessary step. It can be a very awkward conversation, but once you have the conversation, it's over. And as for everyone else, if they really care enough about your relationship to decide you must be lying about it, they have some issues to work through of their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Annapox Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I've never really had a problem with people making those kinds of assumptions about my relationship, but that's because I'm very obviously more innocent than the average twenty-one-year-old. Without even trying, I manage to get across the impression that I am not at all a sexual person, so everyone knows I'm not having sex with my boyfriend, whether they know I'm asexual or not. Link to post Share on other sites
MacPopcorn Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I think I had a similar problem with someone. She liked me and wanted a "relationship" with me. I was open to trying to develop some kind of relationship with her. Similar to yourself, I would be a private person and I would like my privacy to be respected on such matters. Annoyingly, she was very quick to broadcast us meeting up (not dating) over Facebook and Snapchat which led to much unwanted attention and questions from people about us. Things didn't work out between us "relationship" wise. We're still friendly but I think that we could have a had much a closer friendship if it weren't for outside interference. As a result, I've deleted my Facebook account to prevent people broadcasting my social life over my profile and hopefully, helping prevent unwanted attention. Hopefully, that should help allow me to open up about the nature of my relationships with people on my own terms to whomever I want. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I've never been in a relationship, but I've had (and still do have) male friends/acquaintances which some people have instantly felt the need to latch onto as some sort of "OMG you're dating!" sign. Err, no. We're talking, you know, like people do. I hate the immediate assumption that if you're interacting with/talk about someone of the opposite sex you obviously want to be in a relationship with them Link to post Share on other sites
Otohime Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I don't particularly like about looking like I'm in a heterosexual relationship (particually about the assumption of sex but I don't want people judging my romantic choices either). Anyway, I've gotten better about not obsessing about it, because it doesn't need to effect me. Their thoughts are wholly theirs and it shouldn't effect my confidence. I do like looking like an individual, and I think my boyfriend and I naturally "present" as two individuals in the company of one another, like close friends. We usually buy our own tickets or meals separately (and this wasn't ever something we discussed... it just kind of happened from the start). We aren't very publicly affectionate, and we definitely have a friendly atmosphere about us. People may assume we are a couple (although one person thought we were siblings so there's that)... No one has overtly put us together and definitely no sexual teasing. Maybe people can kinda sense the asexual-ish-ness.All that is strange because when my best guy friend and I are out together, we get mistaken as a couple more often and there's more suggestive comments/teasing made towards us. Maybe this is because he is someone gives off a heterosexual vibe (is that a thing??). It actually confuses me a bit because I know he doesn't have any sort of crush on me, he knows I'm asexual and has no interest in me (not to mention he has a gf and two kids... we've known each other awhile). We are just friendly, but people we work with and sometimes even strangers put us together (nope that's never happening).. People are going to think what they will... if they think that much at all about your relationships. The key of being comfortable with your relationship is to focus on being happy exactly as it is, not how it might or might not be perceived to be. For me, I'm happy with my relationship with boyfriend even if others perceive us as friends or siblings. And I'm happy with my friendship with friend, even if others perceive us as being romantically or sexually involved. How others perceive us doesn't change the way our relationship really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Kuromi Akumura Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I know the feeling i tried hiding and keeping my slightly more romantic QPR for a while but it began to be found out and i have been getting allot of comments like " have you had s*x with him yet?" and " if you haven't then you don't love him" Link to post Share on other sites
*** Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I realize that what other people think doesn't really matter. I guess it can become an issue, though, when one's partner tells friends about the relationship using language that the other partner is uncomfortable with. Perhaps it's just important to make clear to one's partner why the language is important. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Francoise Wang Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I'm heteromantic asexual, but when I was in a relationship, I get very annoyed when other people ask me whether I have had sex with my partner or not, or assuming that I must have had sex with my partner because we had been together with such a long time. I'm really uncomfortable with people thinking that sex is bounded to happen in a romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Fire & Rain Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I only get pissed when people look down on my relationship with my partner because it's not a traditional romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
テト Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I get annoyed and then my anxiety kicks in and I get nervous, but then i rethink things over, and realize that outside opinions don't matter and shouldn't matter or affect anything. Link to post Share on other sites
DigitalBookDust Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I'm an ace aro agender dyke. I'm openly queer and look quite androgynous. My hair is buzzed and often cobalt-blue. Most people are aware that I'm queer. I work at a public library. One of the other employees is also queer, a gay man. But I am 'best friends" with another librarian, an older celibate librarian. He and I share many interests. There is one woman who works at the library, a devout Christian, who persists in thinking we're dating! She refuses to believe that either the gay man or I are queer (because she likes us), despite being told so. Sigh. What does one do with such people? Link to post Share on other sites
Schattenschatz Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I was worried about the way others might perceive my relationship with my partner (now my husband) for about a week after we first got together. At that point I hadn't yet been entirely honest with him about my asexuality, had never been in a relationship, and was in general nervous about what would be expected of me physically. Very quickly though I realized that the nature of our relationship and what does (or doesn't) happen in the bedroom is absolutely no one's business but ours, and I no longer gave a damn about what other people thought. Because I am a woman married to a man, most people probably assume I'm heterosexual, and I don't really care. If someone asks I'll be honest, but I have no desire to announce to the world the minute details of our relationship just to ensure that there's absolutely no misconception. Link to post Share on other sites
ACWells Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 As a girl who has mostly male friends I guess it's a bit annoying that everyone thinks I'm either dating or sleeping with them all (even if I was interested I'd have a job getting around them all ha ha) but ultimately I don't care. As RuPaul says, what other people think about you is their problem, and it shouldn't affect you at all. As for the person whose 'friends' are telling them they don't love their partner if they're not sleeping with them- it's none of their business who's sleeping with who, maybe they should get lives of their own instead of sticking their noses in yours!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
gayasanaro Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I've gotten this from an asexual girl actually... Me: *checks out pictures of cute girls on queer website* Me: I don't want to date though E: Why wouldn't you want to date a hot guy? Link to post Share on other sites
gayasanaro Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'm an ace aro agender dyke. I'm openly queer and look quite androgynous. My hair is buzzed and often cobalt-blue. Most people are aware that I'm queer. I work at a public library. One of the other employees is also queer, a gay man. But I am 'best friends" with another librarian, an older celibate librarian. He and I share many interests. There is one woman who works at the library, a devout Christian, who persists in thinking we're dating! She refuses to believe that either the gay man or I are queer (because she likes us), despite being told so. Sigh. What does one do with such people? "You're not queer, I like you!" Well she sounds like a shit Also, off topic, I'm curious about how you can be both lesbian/dyke and aro ace...do you base your gayness on aesthetic, platonic, and sensual attraction? I do that, as well as the little bit of romantic attraction I do feel. Link to post Share on other sites
AstralFist Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 A lot of people assumed (and some still do) that I was in a hetero relationship with my best friend. Which is kind of hilarious because we are both girls and she was dating one of my other best friends at the time. Almost every time I would hang out with her. Her boyfriend would get texts from people saying "omg she is cheat on you with a black guy!?" xD Link to post Share on other sites
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