Finding Ace-Friendly Therapists?

[Fondanty Thoughts]

Hey everyone,

So, there's a lot going on in my life, and I think it might be good for me to start seeing a therapist. I saw one for a while a few months ago, and I made an appointment with my old therapist. Turns out, he retired, so I had to go see a completely new person. If I'd known this before the appointment, I wouldn't have made it because I'm leaving in a few days to move back in with my parents. To me, I didn't want to start with a whole new person for one session, but since the appointment was made and I didn't find this out until I showed up for the appointment, I went ahead and just saw the new lady. I expressed nervousness about being home with my dad, who doesn't know I’m ace, but if he did, would create an emotionally hostile environment for me to be living at home. He has a lot of negative views on asexuality and other non-hetero orientations. So, my nervousness had nothing to do with my orientation or being ace.

The therapist chose to respond by saying she “looked over my file” and noticed I had “sexual trauma” in my history and that I was self-identifying as ace. She positioned herself as an expert on sexuality, and then basically said I probably wasn’t ace; I was just using it as a defense mechanism. I took that moment to educate her and tell her about my experience being ace. I was concerned because for someone who positions themselves as a sexuality scholar, I felt her response was very inappropriate. I later called the director of the clinic to ask some questions about what happened with my session, and he was shocked she claimed to be an expert on sexuality when her real specialty is sexual trauma. He also asked for some materials on asexuality so he could better educate his therapists and make sure it doesn't happen again.

So... with all this. I think continuing to see a therapist at home will be beneficial when I get home, but I’m shaken up by this experience. Any advice on picking out ace-friendly therapists? I have a 40 page list of psychologists/therapists that will take my insurance, and I dunno how to sort through it. Any perspectives/experiences would be appreciated.

[KittiesSong]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you in regards to finding an Ace friendly therapist but I am very sorry you had to go through this... that therapist sounds just like how my mom reacted when I told her I was Asexual... We don't really talk about it anymore for that reason.

[Ruqiah]

I am also going to have to find a therapist, and really, the only way I could see a way of finding out would be to call the clinic and ask whoever works with the therapists there to see if any are ace-friendly.

[Guest]

You will probably have to go through them, and talk to them before starting with them to find out if they'll accept your asexuality or not.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I had a similar experience of being asked if I wanted a cure for it; can you imagine the reaction if they'd asked that to a homosexual?! Hopefully it won't be too many more years before we're accepted properly. In the meantime all I can suggest is go with your gut; younger, more well travelled people tend to be more liberal but it's no guarantee :/

[Fondanty Thoughts]

Thanks for the suggestions and sympathy so far. I'm thinking I will likely have to call the offices before coming in... and hopefully I can get the therapist on the phone for a few quick minutes. Anyone know if that's something therapists are willing to do or have done? I'm pretty nervous about getting on the phone and asking these questions. Before the appointment, knowing I was going to bring up asexuality, I asked the secretary working if the person I was seeing would be understanding/not invalidating. I was assured the person I saw would be "ace friendly" when she wasn't. When I start seeing someone, I'll have a small co-pay, but I refuse to pay someone who is just going to invalidate my identity.

Kitties and Anthra: I'm sorry that you both had those experiences, but I really appreciate you sharing your perspectives.

I was checking out the list of therapists I could choose from, and it has their specializations listed. On there, they have "gay/lesbian issues" listed as a specialization. I was thinking these therapists might be a little more open to ace issues, but of course that's no guarantee. I also noticed that many of the therapists who specialized in this also specialize in "religion-based therapy." I'm wondering... is this a term for conversion therapy? Or, is it just more or less therapy based in the idea that religion will help? I just worry about the two being paired together.

[Ruqiah]

Religion based therapy you might want to avoid, if you're more concerned about ace issues. It could be conversion therapy, or maybe just more friendly towards your respective faith, and using your faith to help with healing. But as most faiths don't think that asexuality exists, you'll be hard put to find a religious therapist who accepts asexuality, and you seem to want some help with the ace part of who you are. The only way I could see the faith based therapy working is if it's a LGBT friendly person.

You're best off to call the clerk/help desk/whoever handles appointments and stuff, and specifically ask about people who are ace friendly. If they aren't sure, have them ask the therapist or recommend someone else. If you're paying money for this, you don't want to wait til the actual session to get that question answered.

LGBT friendly therapists will most likely be more accepting, or they may not know what asexuality is in the first place. They'll tend to be more open to the possibility, and more accepting.

[Fondanty Thoughts]

Ruquiah: Thanks for your second response! It's not so much that I want help with the ace part of me; rather, I'd like to have the option to talk about this. I know I'll be entering a potentially hostile environment in regards to my sexuality, and I want to make sure that I can talk about those issues as they arise. So, having a therapist to help out with the main reasons I'd like to see them and having them be ace-friendly would be important to me. I think I'll start with the non-religious LGBT+ friendly therapists and see where that goes. I'll start making calls on Tuesday.

Of course, if anyone else has any other feedback/experiences/advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks again!

[Ruqiah]

I wish you luck! Hope it works out for you.

[Kerriganne]

I saw something on Tumblr that may help you a few days ago: (warning, there is cursing in it, I don't know how you feel about cursing but if you don't mind it this might be a good thing to look at, if you don't like cursing then I or someone else can probably summarize it for you) http://kerriganne.tumblr.com/post/119516049092/theskaldspeaks-triflesandparsnips

I haven't been in a situation exactly like that, but I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Contacting the therapists beforehand is an excellent way to get to know them. With my first therapist, I didn't do it (or, more specifically, my mom didn't do it as she didn't know how to do it as I'm the first person in my family to actually ever need to go to therapy...) and it was painful. Like, the phobia I went to her for, well... I still have it, and it's even worse.

Anyway, my mother now works at a well-woman's clinic, and met a couple of the therapists. My emotional problems were getting worse so I asked her to try to find a different therapist, and she made an appointment with one of the therapists she worked with for me. I still didn't get to talk to her before the first session... so my therapist (the one I currently go to) devoted the entire first session to just talking and learning more about each other. She asked me about my own interests and life, and she told me a little bit about hers, and we just spent the first day talking about things- not even just what I came there for, just talking about my interests and all of that. She uses that to try to help communicate with me; for example, with my anxiety problem, she had me write a short story about how I feel anxiety written through the eyes of one of my characters (and then posted on my tumblr) so that I could get some of those emotions out and have a distraction for a while, and she could also see through that story how I feel anxiety, and could see things through that that I didn't have a firm enough grasp on to say. She's also really great because she picks up on the things that I don't explicitly state because I don't think to do so. Like, I am, in real life, a very quiet person; I rarely talk without someone directly addressing me, and that's the way I like it. I get very uncomfortable very fast if I feel like I have to keep talking. That's actually one way to tell I'm nervous, when I never shut up about something. That even applies to the internet and forums sometimes. But she saw that without me thinking to say anything about it, and so for most of our sessions, she does a lot of talking. I write things in my journal and show them to her and she asks me a few questions about them and then talks to me for a little while about them and shows me articles and things so that I don't feel forced to talk.

It's all very personal; the therapist that works out for you may not work for someone else, so it's vital to at least talk to them for a while before committing to it. In your case, you should probably make sure to mention asexuality first and foremost, whereas with me, the main issues were related to my anxiety, depression, and trust issues, so I didn't actually mention it until I had to fill out a form and there was no option for asexuality under sexuality. (At which point, when I told her mine wasn't listed and she asked what it was and I said asexuality, she just smiled and told me to write it in to the side, and we talked about it a little bit- she's fully supportive of it. I hadn't planned to bring it up because if it had turned out she wasn't, it would have made it harder for me to talk to her, but it turned out she was.) Anyway, hopefully that'll help you out, mostly the link at the beginning. That was all I was planning on posting originally, but then I wanted to say more related to my own experiences... I hope that something in this post helps you out at least. Good luck!

[ponz]

I think it's really just about finding an open-minded, non pushy therapist. My current therapist is very accepting, and if she hasn't heard of something, she asks questions to learn more. Even if she isn't 100% convinced about asexuality existing, she accepts that I identify as asexual and doesn't try to tell me otherwise.

Calling and/or emailing would definitely be a good idea, and I'm sure as therapists, they encounter plenty of nervous new patients, so an understanding and caring therapist shouldn't have a problem with talking to you for a few minutes (you may have to get past a stubborn secretary to talk to them, though XD).

Also, great job calling the director!! d=(^-^)=b