Help.. Demisexual Woes

[Ammantra]

This might be common, but.. I really wish I wasn't demisexual.

The feeling isn't helped by the instant outlash I got when I first started identifying of demi not being a "real thing" because "that's how everyone is" or that "if you're not attracted to people you're blind". And some of my push back could be from this. But I figured I'd finally get an account and seek help where I've found so much when I started searching for 'asexual medication'.

I'm on the more sexual end of the asexual spectrum in terms of demisexuals- definitely not sex repulsed, and rather crave it, but have no attractions to satisfy the need. I just want to be able to have that partner, and I don't want to go months, years, a decade without feeling attraction- I feel like something's missing, and I crave that feeling that I don't have. This might also be the fallout of my first real attraction and my "puberty all at once" experience, which was parts traumatizing, because it came out of nowhere after a year and a half long friendship, and parts exciting, but I want feeling that back. And this sort of turned into a rant, but I wanted to see if anyone has advice, particularly since a lot of allosexuals and asexuals seem confused by this feeling I'm getting, or I can't explain it correctly.

Thank you all <3

Edit: Would like to state that I'm fairly new to this all, having only recently found the term that explains so much of my life..

[Ricecream-man]

Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude and I know how hard this could have been to post it all and the tumult of emotions you're experiencing right now, but what exactly is your question?

[Ammantra]

It went kind of ranty, sorry.

I want to know if the feeling is normal, and what I should do about it. I know a lot of people on the ace spectrum are perfectly happy with their feelings, so I'm at a loss as to what to do if you're not.

[allrightalready]

the way i face that is to just remember how bad it felt when i tried to pretend to be like everyone else. any time i did go forward with sex without the prior connection it was not even enjoyable and then on top of it i would end up hating the other person for simply using me then dumping me. since the connection seems so much more meaningful to me than to allosexuals i just work at thinking about how it will finally be really good if/when i find someone i can really care about first.

i also just throw myself into projects i am working on to build my future, it is nice to not have the actual distraction of looking for hook-ups like so many others seem to need to do.

[Rising Sun]

I like being a demisexual person. (I'm also demiromantic so I know that it makes my situation somewhat different) At least I can't be attracted to someone I don't know at all, someone who would probably be incompatible with me. I see it as some kind of partial protection from bad choices. And I'm also glad I can feel attracted only to one person, so I can't cheat in a relationship.

If you already felt sexual attraction before, I'm sure you can feel it again one day. Just be patient. But a thing to remember is that teenage love isn't the same as adult love at all. It's much more intense, passionate, more hormonal, but feelings have less depth. So you won't feel exactly the same thing again, it may be less passionate next time but the relationship can be deeper and more affectionate too.

[Rustmyer]

This might be common, but.. I really wish I wasn't demisexual. I'm on the more sexual end of the asexual spectrum in terms of demisexuals- definitely not sex repulsed, and rather crave it, but have no attractions to satisfy the need. I just want to be able to have that partner, and I don't want to go months, years, a decade without feeling attraction- I feel like something's missing, and I crave that feeling that I don't have.

I can't speak for everyone but I can tell you you're not the only one of us who feels this way. It sucks when you want the meaningful relationship but can't find anyone to have one with, it's like having an itch you just can't reach and it never goes away. I've learned to ignore it as best as I can so that I can live the rest of my life. The one thing I can be thankful for is when I do feel attraction for someone I know it's an actual attraction. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful in this situation, but I do hope it turns out better for you than it has for me so far.

[Blackmageofdoom]

Welcome to Aven, have some cake

I understand those feelings of craving normalcy and I also hate being demisexual. The thing that helped me with it was having a partner that I fell in love with, that was the biggest thing. That doesn't really help you but you are not alone and if you need to use Aven to rant to feel better then do it :)

[Ammantra]

Thank you guys.. that's probably more encouraging than it should be honestly. I haven't found a nice place before for demisexuals where I haven't been turned down. These comments mean a lot in that I'm not alone.

[jamesjackson8]

I feel your pain, I have just recently started slowly coming out as a demisexual without too much blow back from my social networks but once they actually find out what it means then there might end up being some very hurt feelings. Especially since my mother is very obsessed with the idea that the only way to be happy and fulfilled is to be part of a couple long term or to date. I don't know how many times I have told her that i have no real need to date or any real want right now.

[Keels]

I'm not demi, but maybe I can chime in in a way that might be slightly helpful.

The thing that resonated with me about the OP is the idea of 'craving' something. What I think I've realized is that I crave closeness. And a sexual relationship -- a GOOD sexual relationship, that is -- can bring about that closeness. Sex sort of cements that closeness when you're in a relationship with a sexual. And since I'm OK with sex, enjoy it well enough, indeed always thought of myself as sexual until half a year ago, proceeding to a sexual relationship with my handful of partners over the years has always made sense, has always felt right.

And it has brought that closeness that I crave.

And then time goes by, and the things that motivate sex in new relationships drift off, sex dwindles to nothing, and the closeness goes with it, in my experience.

So, Ammantra, I can really empathize with your talk about missing something. In my case, it's not the feeling of sexual attraction that I miss, it's the closeness that's wrapped up together with the normal outline of a sexual relationship. I feel like it's always going to be a challenge for me to get to that feeling of closeness, and, yeah, that makes me sad when I think about it.

To put it another way: I'm missing a common human characteristic (sexual attraction, in AVEN parlance) that is one of the primary ways that people can get to a feeling of closeness. I think that's sort of similar to what the OP was getting at. And yeah, that part of it is a bummer.

[khathleesi]

I definitely can relate to this.

I didn't even realize what sexual attraction was until recently when I felt it for the first time for a best friend of mine. She's straight so we're obviously not together, and what really bums me out is that constant nagging feeling of what if I never feel this again. I've tried the whole casual dating thing and the whole casual sex thing and it all is so forced because by the 5th date or so the other person seems to know pretty clearly if they're attracted to me or not and I....have no idea if I will ever be attracted to them. So I get really uncomfortable dating people because we're never on the same page.

I'm relatively new to all this too (used to identify as bi, was incorrect), so if you ever need someone to rant to hit me up because I'm definitely one of those people who feels broken/doesn't like being demisexual.

[noparlpf]

Yeah, so many people say "demi isn't a thing, that's just how everybody is" because of this fairy-tale expectation that people will only have sex when they're in "true love" or whatever. I dunno what to say besides people just don't get it.

I feel kind of like what you're describing sometimes, OP. There are times when I feel like I would want a romantic relationship but it's not that easy to just fall for somebody. There's just not actually any romantic attraction. A few times when somebody has confessed to me I tried to make myself reciprocate something but it didn't work. I'm just barely not aro/ace (I think I'm demiromantic too; I figure when the sample size is too small to tell what's what it usually means something itself) and I'd rather be completely aro/ace because it would be simpler. But it seems like there's nothing to be done about it. Orientation tends to be pretty constant for most people.

I don't have the libido issue to the same extent as you're describing, but when I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) briefly a few years ago I had increased libido (which is really weird; usually SSRIs cause decreased libido, and my shrink had never heard of a case like mine either) but it still wasn't directed at anything. It was very frustrating. I don't know whether it might help you to try a low-dose SSRI or something else for that; try talking to your doctor or a psychiatrist, but try to find out if they're ace-friendly first.

[Acesome]

This eerily echoes my own position.

I'm a very sexual and sensual person... there's just no one there I feel like doing sexy things with. I'm not attracted to any one person.I'm just like "oh, I have a sex drive. Cool."

It's really frustrating, I know. Hang in there. The right guys/ladies will understand. :)

[indefinitelywhelmed]

I feel this so much. And it's super frustrating wanting things with someone but not wanting them with anyone at the same time. I've found it especially frustrating to try explaining how this feels to other people, I'm probably not even doing a good job at it here.

Anyway it's super great to hear that none of us are crazy and that there are some other people who feel this too.

[Devil Kisses]

I get this feeling. Even though I'm not demi, I still rarely feel sexual attraction. I sometimes get dreams where I feel sexually attracted to people. It's a wonderful feeling even if I don't have much sex in my dream.

[limabean]

Yeah, I totally relate to this.

I'm definitely on the more sexual end of the asexual spectrum as well. My frustration is that when I do experience sexual attraction for someone (usually a close friend) then my libido is really high when it comes to them but there is nothing I can do about it if they don't reciprocate my feelings.

I didn't even realize what sexual attraction was until recently when I felt it for the first time for a best friend of mine. She's straight so we're obviously not together, and what really bums me out is that constant nagging feeling of what if I never feel this again.

I also totally get this nagging fear that I may never feel that way again so it's hard for me to let go of those feelings even knowing that they will never be reciprocated.

I am pretty new to all of this (first post :O) but my understanding is that it's common for demis to only be attracted to one person at a time. That is 100% true for me anyway... I find that it's really hard for most people to understand. A lot of my friends have suggested that I casually date or find a rebound to get over my unrequited love or past relationships, but I have no interest in anyone else. So then I just have to wait it out basically.