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Confused Little Virgin


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Princess_Kel

Okay.

So I think I might be asexual, but I'm not sure, and I don't know really how to tell.

I'm a 15 year-old heteroromantic Christian girl. I don't think I feel sexual attraction. I appreciate when guys are attractive, but it's like the same way I think of girls as being attractive, and I know I'm not romantically attracted to other girls. I don't remember ever thinking, "Oh, I'd like to have sex with that guy/girl."

I kissed my boyfriend once. It was disappointing. I expected fireworks and it wasn't special at all.

Penises are kinda weird. Guys look better with the their pants on. But maybe that's just me being immature. I don't think it is, but maybe.

I'm kind of terrified of being asexual. My parents are pretty conservative and homophobic, and they'd probably say asexuallity isn't a real thing. I don't want guys not to be interested, because I really want a romantic relationship. I'm like a hopeless romantic. Holding hands and hugging and guys holding the door and remembering my birthday are awesome, I've just never been into much else physically. I also want a big family. I've always wanted lots of kids.

I don't know if I'm just inexperienced or immature but I feel like I might be asexual but I don't know if this is just my subconscious bandwagonning or what. I just . . .

So yeah. I'm a confused little virgin.

Please help guys.

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I'm Christian myself, of a very conservative background (parts of which I still agree with and other parts I do not), and I don't think asexuality conflicts with Christianity. Your parents might not accept it as an orientation, but I don't see why they would have a problem with a lack of interest in sex. (Unless they are of the thinking that the Bible says to reproduce, but context is important and I don't believe those verses are a command to the readers. They have a more historical importance. I would point out the New Testament where Paul actually says it's better to remain single unless you can't control your libido.)

Only you can decide what you are, but this site is a great place to learn and have a community to support you. There are some stickies with links to articles and discussions on sexual attraction, I personally found those very helpful and provided more clarity. They talk a bit about sexual attraction and how it's connected to a desire for partnered sex. Asexuals can still enjoy partnered sex for reasons aside from attraction, but their drive is directed at nobody in particular.

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Ace of Cakes

I'm Christian myself, of a very conservative background (parts of which I still agree with and other parts I do not), and I don't think asexuality conflicts with Christianity. Your parents might not accept it as an orientation, but I don't see why they would have a problem with a lack of interest in sex. (Unless they are of the thinking that the Bible says to reproduce, but context is important and I don't believe those verses are a command to the readers. They have a more historical importance. I would point out the New Testament where Paul actually says it's better to remain single unless you can't control your libido.)

Only you can decide what you are, but this site is a great place to learn and have a community to support you. There are some stickies with links to articles and discussions on sexual attraction, I personally found those very helpful and provided more clarity. They talk a bit about sexual attraction and how it's connected to a desire for partnered sex. Asexuals can still enjoy partnered sex for reasons aside from attraction, but their drive is directed at nobody in particular.

As a Christian ace, I agree with all of the above.

I'm similar to you in that I do want to get married, have kids, etc. So yeah, if you do date someone, will be important for you to share your asexuality with him. However, your parents don't need to know. Your feelings about sex do not concern them. I never plan to tell my parents about my asexuality because I see no need. I know others find that it's important to come out to their parents, and if you feel that way, then that's fine and I totally support you and wish you the best of luck! If it goes well, doing so may save you from annoying comments (such as how my parents seem to worry that my boyfriend and I will "fall into temptation" and keep warning me to be careful etc., and I sometimes wish I could be like, "I DON'T FEEL THAT TEMPTATION. I'M ASEXUAL." but don't because I haven't told them), and of course it's nice to be able to be open with your parents. For me though, I decided it's not necessary, at least not at this point and probably not ever. I know that they love me as I am, even if they don't fully know what that is. I know they would try to be accepting, but I don't really feel the need to risk it/get into it/try to explain.

As you try to figure out your orientation, don't hesitate to message me. As a Christian ace I'm familiar with the many ways purity culture etc. made it harder for me to find my identity, and I'd love to help if that's something you're struggling with, or just have a chat with someone who's similar to me :)

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First of all, this forum from my experience is great. Filled with very helpful and open-minded people.

Now, with this said I also had problems with being able to tell if I was asexual or not, in my case specifically as I did not understand sexual attraction clearly.

I found this reddit to be really good: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2sm3y3/girls_women_ladies_what_does_sexual_attraction/

In short, sexual attraction seems like a magnetic pull towards a specific person with the need to do something sexual with that person. The sexuals here have said tho that it varies a lot from person to person on how often this pull happens and how strong it is.

I myself have a strong libido and sexual desire and I've had that since I was really young.

You however don't really seem to at least have any sexual desire, nor any sexual attraction from what you've said.

The 'good' thing with being an asexual is that most people won't notice that we are asexuals unless we tell them and since you are hetero-romantic, even less will bat an eye.

Anyways, we can merely reason based on what we've heard, but one can't really observe what goes on in another person's head. I mean, I thought a friend of mine was attracted to me because of how she always wanted to talk to me and stuff, but then she told me she was a lesbian, so that goes to show how hard it can be to see the sexuality of a person from the outside.

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Elluna Hellen

i don't know about the whole Christianity bit as I'm not religious. I'm sorry about your homophobic parents. That's horrible :(

but I do know that, at fifteen, you can definitely consider yourself asexual! Maybe you will feel attraction eventually and maybe not, but for now you can identify as asexual if you think it will help you. :)

Oh, and welcome! :)

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Llamaflower1980

You know what? Almost everything you said here descibes me.

(Except my parents being homophobes, both of my parents being Christian, and having had a boyfriend.)

This is confusing. XD

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Llamaflower1980

Sooo sorry. My phone is glitching! I didn't mean to post 80,000 times...

Could someone tell me how to delete them? XD

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Well I can't tell you what your sexual orientation is... but I can say that I've been identifying as asexual since I was 15, and I think that by that point most people who are going to feel sexual attraction have felt it already. Being a virgin doesn't disqualify you from knowing your sexuality; if you had to try it to know for sure, then by that argument most straight people out there who could very well be bisexual. No one suggests that they don't know their orientations, and the same goes for aces.

My family isn't really Christian, but sex was always sort of a taboo subject in my house. It was almost never talked about, except as something that married people did to make babies. At first I wondered if that may have contributed to me feeling asexual, but now I'm pretty sure that it's just me. Either way, I identify as asexual for now, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. If you feel like you are asexual, then there's nothing wrong with identifying that way. Even if you realize down the road that you aren't asexual, it's perfectly okay to identify that way now, and change it if need be. :)

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I kissed my boyfriend once. It was disappointing. I expected fireworks and it wasn't special at all.

Penises are kinda weird. Guys look better with the their pants on. But maybe that's just me being immature. I don't think it is, but maybe.

1) It's not just you. A lot of people think reproductive parts on both sides are weird. I certainly do. Which reminds me a slightly crude joke I'll put in a spoiler at the end of this.

2) I do want to point out that in modern culture, and particularly in conservative Christian culture sex is depicted as this magical "fireworks" moment, that's awesome and amazing by default. But even for sexuals (or so I've been told) sex, especially the first time or the first few times is awkward and kingly and uncomfortable. You shouldn't think you're asexual just because a first kiss did not meet your expectations because our expectations tend to be unrealistic. I'm not trying to tell you you aren't asexual, no one here can tell you if you are or aren't. I am just pointing out that that one thing can be pretty normal for everyone, A- or otherwise.

A culture of purity and abstinence, although it can have it's own value, does make things particularly difficult in understanding yourself with something like this. It's hard to know if you're feeling this way because of you, or your feeling this way because it's how you're expected to feel. What I can do, is tell you how I felt at your age (although I did not realize that I was asexual until I was out of college).

I was always taught I needed to control my impulses, and that we were supposed to keep a certain distance to facilitate that and help avoid temptation. You know the drill I'm sure. I never understood the big deal. Control what urges? I mean, girls were pretty, I enjoyed looking at them, or even hugging them, but I was perfectly happy for everyone to keep all their clothes on. I always thought that maybe the warnings were just out of proportion to the temptation. In retrospect, I still feel that way, but it has more to do with respecting teenagers self control, and less that there isn't any sort of temptation.

And for those who are interested, and somewhat crude joke about God, Engineering, and the Human body.

Three guys are arguing about what type of engineer God must be to design the human body. The first insists that God must be a mechanical engineer. How else could he have designed such a marvelous skeleto-muscular structure. The second one insists that God must be an electrical engineer. After all, how else could he design such a complex wiring system as the human nervous system. The third said that they were both wrong. God had to be a civil engineer, because no one else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational center.

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colorfulgirl

Hi and welcome to the forum! :)

I can definitely relate to what you're saying here. I remember myself being 15 and going through all that. I'm also Christian and I don't think that asexuality conflicts with Christianity. Also, you don't need to talk to your parents about that because it's a personal thing, I never came out to my parents as "asexual" because I didn't feel like I need to do it. If you feel like it will be a relief for you to talk with them, then you can try to have that kind of conversation, but if you feel scared about how they will react because they are not accepting then I would rather not talk with them about that.

Don't ever be afraid of who you are! If asexuality is a part of who you are, then accept it and embrace it. I also went through that -- I had these thoughts that maybe I'm just weird and I'll never fit in, I guess we all have those. But then I realized that I need to learn how to love myself before I will let somebody else love me. I've never been in love with someone but I have romantic feelings and I believe in soul mates and true love. I know that we live in a world where sexuality is constantly being promoted and it's something that we are being constantly exposed to but I believe that there are people who want something else from live and that sphere is not that important.

My advice is, don't be ashamed or scared of who you are. Look, there are lots of asexual people here, you're not the only one ;-).

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I dunno if this would help but maybe to explain it to them you could ask if they think Jesus was sexually attracted to anyone cos most Christians I know figure he wasn't in which case he was asexual so they can't hate you for being what their lord was.

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I dunno if this would help but maybe to explain it to them you could ask if they think Jesus was sexually attracted to anyone cos most Christians I know figure he wasn't in which case he was asexual so they can't hate you for being what their lord was.

Im sorry but i dont think You and I know if Jesus actually was asexual so please dont jump into conclusions like that just because we think its ok to use something we are not sure of as an excuse to justify our asexuality, thats not ok.

I can guess that he might have been single because he might wanted to focus more on his ministry, but like i said before: Its none of our bussines so im not going there plain and simple not even if it is just to cover myself i just dont feel comfortable with digging into someone elses sexuality like that.

I as a devout christian say that most christians learn they have to love theyre neighbors way they love themselves and thats the line we all should go by, not by some conclusions that were made trough assumptions.

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I dunno if this would help but maybe to explain it to them you could ask if they think Jesus was sexually attracted to anyone cos most Christians I know figure he wasn't in which case he was asexual so they can't hate you for being what their lord was.

Im sorry but i dont think You and I know if Jesus actually was asexual so please dont jump into conclusions like that just because we think its ok to use something we are not sure of as an excuse to justify our asexuality, thats not ok.

I can guess that he might have been single because he might wanted to focus more on his ministry, but like i said before: Its none of our bussines so im not going there plain and simple not even if it is just to cover myself i just dont feel comfortable with digging into someone elses sexuality like that.

I as a devout christian say that most christians learn they have to love theyre neighbors way they love themselves and thats the line we all should go by, not by some conclusions that were made trough assumptions.

Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone it was just a thought ^^;

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I kissed my boyfriend once. It was disappointing. I expected fireworks and it wasn't special at all.

I totally get that. There's a lot of hype over things like that when it comes to relationships. The questioning is healthy, so don't worry if you're confused.

The advice I have to give is to figure out where your boundaries are, what you enjoy and don't. Stick to your guns and worry about extraneous stuff like what society and your folks will think later once you have it figured out for yourself. If you don't really know yet, it'll be hell trying to explain it to your parents. Good luck on it all, though! You'll figure it out; these things work themselves out usually.

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Don't forget that you're young ^^

and you're currently discovering your sexual orientation. There is a lot time for that. Don't rush yourself :D

I do understand your way of thinking though. I was probably thinking the same at your age. I didn't get why everyone made such a fuss about the first kiss or even sex. But personally about this whole 'Coming out' thing. There is just one person in my life who knows my sexual orientation. The rest thinks I'm 'normal' (Aka. Heterosexual).

I don't think it's that important if you 'come out' or not. That's just my opinion though.

About your parents.

I can understand your fear. I think I'd have to struggle with telling them too. But I'm certain, if you really feel the way of telling them. Go ahead. And you will succeed. I believe in you ^^

Long story short: Do whatever makes you feel comfortable! Never do something you struggle with. And remember, not your parents define your sexual orientation, but you do :)

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