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Sexual Acts with My Boyfriend (TMI*)


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My boyfriend has NO idea that I'm ace.

I'm too scared to tell him.

I know I should, but I thought I was in the clear when he told me he wanted to take things slow since he's a virgin.

But he's moving pretty fast and by that I mean he kissed me on the first date, gave me numerous hickies on the second, and (TMI!!) PRETTY much fingered me and ate me out on the third, and I've been uncomfortable with ALL of this.

I tried explaining asexuality once but he said that asexuaity seems sad and not fun, and I chickened out.

I don't know how long I can fake it.

It's so hard to be apathetic and awkward and just not into it.

He's very sweet, though, and we have so much in common, and he makes me really happy, but it's just...UGGGGHHHH.

I'm sorry for the personal stuff, but I just have no one to talk to about this.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

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stonehengegirl

Just talk to him and see if you can find a compromise that makes both of you happy. You both deserve relationships that make you completely happy and loved. It doesn't sound like he is interested in remaining a virgin for long and you don't want to get to the point where you resent this and he feels you aren't interested in him which as I've read elsewhere is a big deal for sexuals.

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Gallantrv2427

I agree. Be upfront, but non-combative. Also...YEAH he's moving too fast! virgin or not, 3 dates in? No way Jose'!

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Just talk to him and see if you can find a compromise that makes both of you happy. You both deserve relationships that make you completely happy and loved. It doesn't sound like he is interested in remaining a virgin for long and you don't want to get to the point where you resent this and he feels you aren't interested in him which as I've read elsewhere is a big deal for sexuals.

Since he's had no experience, I feel like if I tell him he'll feel like it's his fault somehow or he'll get mad at me for not wanting sex or anything and since he's still a virgin, losing his virginity as quick as possible is somehow a big deal

I agree. Be upfront, but non-combative. Also...YEAH he's moving too fast! virgin or not, 3 dates in? No way Jose'!

Out of all the guys I've been with, they've never moved that fast....AND THEY WERENT EVEN VIRGINS!

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

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Commander Werther

Just talk to him and see if you can find a compromise that makes both of you happy. You both deserve relationships that make you completely happy and loved. It doesn't sound like he is interested in remaining a virgin for long and you don't want to get to the point where you resent this and he feels you aren't interested in him which as I've read elsewhere is a big deal for sexuals.

Since he's had no experience, I feel like if I tell him he'll feel like it's his fault somehow or he'll get mad at me for not wanting sex or anything and since he's still a virgin, losing his virginity as quick as possible is somehow a big deal

I agree. Be upfront, but non-combative. Also...YEAH he's moving too fast! virgin or not, 3 dates in? No way Jose'!

Out of all the guys I've been with, they've never moved that fast....AND THEY WERENT EVEN VIRGINS!

It isnt anyones fault. If he feels like he wants to lose it as quick as possible maybe you should tell him you want to slow things down a little and try explaining to him you are uncomfortable with how fast hes moving. If he cant wait for you then...idk...

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Just talk to him and see if you can find a compromise that makes both of you happy. You both deserve relationships that make you completely happy and loved. It doesn't sound like he is interested in remaining a virgin for long and you don't want to get to the point where you resent this and he feels you aren't interested in him which as I've read elsewhere is a big deal for sexuals.

Since he's had no experience, I feel like if I tell him he'll feel like it's his fault somehow or he'll get mad at me for not wanting sex or anything and since he's still a virgin, losing his virginity as quick as possible is somehow a big deal

I agree. Be upfront, but non-combative. Also...YEAH he's moving too fast! virgin or not, 3 dates in? No way Jose'!

Out of all the guys I've been with, they've never moved that fast....AND THEY WERENT EVEN VIRGINS!

It isnt anyones fault. If he feels like he wants to lose it as quick as possible maybe you should tell him you want to slow things down a little and try explaining to him you are uncomfortable with how fast hes moving. If he cant wait for you then...idk...

And it's just that I feel telling him that I'm ace would be too much.

He already knows I'm transguy and he accepted the fact the he's bisexual (pansexual really), but it was hard for him to understand at first and yea.

(I live in the south US so this anxiety has always been with me)

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stonehengegirl

I can understand not wanting to say something because you're worried about how he will react but you have the right to tell him what you need. If he loves you, he'll want to make you happy too.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Personally, if I were in a position where I felt I could not safely tell my partner to stop, I would leave them. You should not be afraid of your s/o!!!

You need to tell him he's moving much faster than you are comfortable with soon.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Personally, if I were in a position where I felt I could not safely tell my partner to stop, I would leave them. You should not be afraid of your s/o!!!

You need to tell him he's moving much faster than you are comfortable with soon.

I know, I know.

When I wasn't dating anyone, it was so easy for me to stand up for myself and not tolerate any ignorance and such but now that I am, I'm scared. ;^;

I just don't like making people upset

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Ricecream-man

You're going to have to tell him upfront. Imagine how much worse he'll feel if finds out he hurt you after the deed. Just let him know now and it'll be easier.

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Ace of Cakes

Someone recently showed me this and I think it relates: https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/the-physical-touch-escalator/

I can definitely understand a bit of how it feels to be sheepish about not wanting certain things, as I too am in a mixed relationship, however my boyfriend is very good at taking things slow and stopping the instant I say no (or even if he asks if something is okay and I say I don't know or sound skeptical, he takes it as a no). I'd say, as others have, that you need to be upfront with him if you are uncomfortable. He needs to take you seriously when you say no, even if you don't say it with some sort of extreme force. He needs to respect you. I can see that you don't think he's doing this to be disrespectful on purpose, but it still is not okay. He needs to respect you, and if he can't do that, knowing you're ace or not, he's not good for you. Going on the assumption that he is not meaning to make you uncomfortable though, you should still tell him. If he loves you he will respect your asexuality, and if not, then you shouldn't be together anyway. Make your boundaries clear asap, and tell him you're ace when you feel ready. Sooner rather than later, but whether you're ready now or not, you need to tell him that you're uncomfortable with how quickly things are moving.

Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to talk more. I'm always happy to talk, and I understand how hard it can be to ask to get off that escalator when your sexual partner is enjoying whatever level of physical touch you're at, and you just need to wait for a moment or don't want to go any further. I may not be exactly in the same position as you, but I still get that, and I know how hard it can be when you love them and want them to be happy. In the long run though, both of you will be happier if you're not faking things.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Personally, if I were in a position where I felt I could not safely tell my partner to stop, I would leave them. You should not be afraid of your s/o!!!

You need to tell him he's moving much faster than you are comfortable with soon.

I know, I know.

When I wasn't dating anyone, it was so easy for me to stand up for myself and not tolerate any ignorance and such but now that I am, I'm scared. ;^;

I just don't like making people upset

You shouldn't be making him upset by telling him no. If he is that is his problem, not yours. My boyfriend is very careful to ask what I want and check that I'm happy. I've told him no in the past, and he's said okay and did something different. You have to be able to communicate if you want a happy relationship. Don't worry about upsetting him, he should care about you more than he cares about his dick.

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If he doesn't accept your sexuality then you shouldn't be with him. Maybe saying that will make reality click for him. And that is most certainly too fast, slow my ass. Sounds like he was lying. A relationship is about two people. If you keep hiding yourself from him whats the point of such a relationship? If you're afraid to be yourself then it sounds like it isn't a relationship you should be in. If he doesn't accept it then that's his problem. There are fish in the sea and other asexuals you could date; this guy isn't your only chance. There are asexual dating sites and a meet up section on here that give you that chance. It doesn't matter what his reaction may be, it's a must have conversation. If he gets mad then he's definitely not the right person for you, if he blames himself then just explain. It's that simple. If hes not listening to you when you say stop he is most certainly not the right person for anyone. Rape is not ok, don't feel obligated to be raped. I don't give a crap if the guy is nice otherwise, you do that you don't deserve any respect. If you said it softly then it may come as reverse logic to him. You need to clarify that when you say no it is absolutely true. Damaging things happen with almost every relationship, don't be afraid of that possibility. If it wasn't you, his next partner would give him damage on another topic. It's inevitable.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Sweety that's how rape happens. Be affirmative and tell him what you want and expect from the relationship. Do not compromise your happiness for ANYONE else. First you need to respect yourself, and then DEMAND he respects you. If he can't well than guess what? leave. You both deserve to be happy.

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In my opinion, you need to say something. If you don't, you will either grow more afraid of him or you will begin to resent him. Or both or something equally unpleasant.

There's already some red flags that I hear from you, such as him not taking you seriously, you being afraid he'll be upset, you saying you just "gave in". "Giving in" is the way to be take advantage of, and I've been there and it destroyed my confidence for the longest time. If you can find the courage to stand up for yourself, I highly recommend. Good relationships are also build on communication and trust, and that seems to be lacking from how you are describing your relationship.

Ask yourself... what are you afraid of? That he'll be upset with you? If he's upset, then he has no right to be. If he's upset, then it speaks something negative about his character. Are you afraid he'll be angry? If he's angry, that says something even worse about him. If he is upset or angry, then it's better you find out now, because you deserve someone who will respect you. 100% respect you. He should not be upset and he should not feel at fault (on that note, I'm not suggesting you go yell at him, I'm suggesting honest, kind but firm communication)

Are you afraid that he will leave you? That's a possibility and he has that right. But if both of you are wanting different things, then it's also for the best.

Maybe if you feel too timid to approach him directly, you could try writing your feelings in an email or a note? I find that helps me sometimes and writing gives me time to word things kindly. But you could also set aside time to just talk.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Ok dude, no, wtf? Why are you even with this guy? If he can't respect you, he's a sack of shit. If you say stop, no matter how meekly he should fucking stop. Listen, real men, good men, they listen to their partner and any "no" or other words/body language that means the same thing as "no" or "I don't want to" should be taken seriously.

And if he gets mad at you? So fucking what? If he gets mad because you say no, he's an asshole and not someone you should want to be with anyway. I'd drop this guy ASAP, what a loser, shit...

Sorry, but there's no excuse for that.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Ok dude, no, wtf? Why are you even with this guy? If he can't respect you, he's a sack of shit. If you say stop, no matter how meekly he should fucking stop. Listen, real men, good men, they listen to their partner and any "no" or other words/body language that means the same thing as "no" or "I don't want to" should be taken seriously.

And if he gets mad at you? So fucking what? If he gets mad because you say no, he's an asshole and not someone you should want to be with anyway. I'd drop this guy ASAP, what a loser, shit...

Sorry, but there's no excuse for that.

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MoraDollie

You're going to have to tell him upfront. Imagine how muc worse he'll feel if finds out he hurt you after the deed. Just let him know now and it'll be easier.

Ok that's a dick thing to say, victim blaming. But on the subject: Leave him now. It's clear he doesn't respect your boundaries. When you say "no" or "Stop" or anything to this degree, THEY NEED TO STOP. It doesn't matter how quiet/shy it is, a NO is a NO, no matter what anyone says.

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I'd drop this guy

XD I wanted it to follow with "like a hot potato."

Which i also would; dump his ass.

And i love Kalidas's video.

Though before the dump he should most definitely watch that video.

He's around your age, 18, and he wasn't educated on the rule of consent??

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I'd drop this guy

XD i wanted it to follow with "like a hot potato"

Which i also would; dump his ass.

and i love Kalidas's video

Thanks. I think it is perfect for explaining consent to idiots.

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Thanks. I think it is perfect for explaining consent to idiots.

Yup.

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Well, it doesn't really matter if you're asexual or not, if something makes you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do something you always have the right to say no. I don't think it's okay for anyone to feel like they're being coerced, or forced to do something they don't really want to do. I don't know how to you should tell him you don't want to do certain things except to be forthright about him, tell him clearly what you aren't willing to do and don't go back on your word, because then he might not take you seriously.

He already doesn't take me seriously when I say "please stop."

I say it sheepishly because I'm nervous and afraid he'll get mad at me.

I know he got disappointed when I didn't want to kiss him at first, but then I gave in just to appease him.

Ok dude, no, wtf? Why are you even with this guy? If he can't respect you, he's a sack of shit. If you say stop, no matter how meekly he should fucking stop. Listen, real men, good men, they listen to their partner and any "no" or other words/body language that means the same thing as "no" or "I don't want to" should be taken seriously.

And if he gets mad at you? So fucking what? If he gets mad because you say no, he's an asshole and not someone you should want to be with anyway. I'd drop this guy ASAP, what a loser, shit...

Sorry, but there's no excuse for that.

https://vimeo.com/128105683

This.

...THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING.

IM GOING TO SEND HIM THIS VIDEO RIGHT NOW.

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~Yay~

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Ricecream-man

Just re-read some parts and saw that you were worried he'd get mad at you? That should never be the case. Anger has no place in the bedroom asexual or sexual. You should never feel the need to engage in intimate acts with somebody out of fear of any kind whatsoever, whether it's because you're afraid of him being mad or even sad.

If you care about him then definitely talk to him about it. If he starts getting upset and ignoring your needs that only goes to show how little he cares about you in comparison to his own personal desires. Even the sweetest of guys sometimes get things confused as to what they really want and mean. Sit him down and hold a serious discussion about it. If he really was just misled then he'll reconsider his actions and you'll be on the road to a happy relationship. If he gets angry with you about it then he's showing his true colors and you should probably split with him.

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No no no! Sorry to be blunt but this guy doesn't respect you and you absolutely deserve respect. Every human does. Whether you say no firmly and authoratively or bleat it like a lamb it means the same thing: NO! And trying to shame you by saying asexuality doesn't sound like fun? That's YOUR choice. Not his. Who gives a crap if it sounds like fun to him, it's the way you are. You do not have to go along with anything to please him and if he has no respect for you I'd say your chances of compromise are slim, too. I don't want to tell you what to do (well, I do, but I won't) but I would RUN, RUN, RUN from the guy who wont take no for an answer. And as someone else said, that is faster moving than any of my past relationships, before I realised I was ACE and didn't have to go through the charade of sexual contact if I didn't want to. Scary stuff. Good luck with it, we'll support you any way we can!

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Brosephmerrick

You really need to tell him how you are feeling, for your sake and his.
I was in a relationship where I was (somewhat) in his position.
We were about three-four months in, kissing/groping etc...

I had the misconception that she was getting frustrated or discouraged by my slower-than-glacial-drift approach at physical relationships.
This was my first serious relationship and I was an oblivious mook.
during this kissing/groping etc... I decided that in order to keep her from getting disinterested or discouraged by my slow pace, I would step out of my comfort zone and take it a step further.
I started "massaging" more near her pelvic area (zero penetration, strictly over clothing).
She made no attempt to let me know that she was not ready for that, and was uncomfortable with it until much later. (weeks)

I felt terrible.

I wasn't comfortable with it either, but it didn't matter because the trust was broken and the damage was done.
We broke up not long after that.

TL;DR - The word of the day is com·mu·ni·ca·tion

kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/
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Kerriganne

Yeah, I agree with all the people who have been posting about consent... you really, really, REALLY don't want to be in a relationship where this is happening. First of all: You said no and he kept doing it? THAT is the OPPOSITE of okay. When it comes to romantic relationships you have to find someone who actually respects what you do and do not want, even with small things, because it could easily foreshadow him doing the same thing with bigger things.

Also, about you feeling that fear... you don't want to be in any relationship where you are afraid to speak your mind lest you lose the relationship. Ever. It's not healthy. If you can't be yourself and keep a relationship, it is probably not a relationship meant for you. One of the reasons I have so many trust issues, anxiety problems, and depression problems is because I have had only that type of relationship outside of my family for about... from Kindergarten or Preschool through almost to the end of my junior year of high school, when I met my friend who led me to realize that there was something HORRIBLY WRONG with that. Before she led me to that realization I didn't even realize that it wasn't normal to be afraid of your friends and potential partners. I thought that was part of the territory. Please, PLEASE do not feel that way. It's not normal. If you're afraid of your partner like that then something has to change. It's hard, but it needs to happen. If you can't feel like you can be yourself around them, it's not a healthy relationship and something needs to change. I'm sorry that I can't really give you more advice than that, because if you can't tell... this is actually something VERY personal for me. I know how it feels to be afraid to speak your feelings and opinions lest you lose a friend or a partner... but I know that better relationships do exist. Even if this one doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that every relationship will be the exact same.

If you just need someone to talk to more about this I'm here, I can't say I'll be able to give much advice but one thing I am good at is listening and giving people a person to talk to if they ever find that they need someone to talk to. I hope this works out and that you end up in a situation where you can be happy- you seem like a really nice guy and you definitely deserve to be happy and respected. Good luck.

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