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Hidden-Friend

Okay, I heard about this site through a lovely documentary I found on netflix and feel it would help me with a few things.

I'll start off by saying this, no, I am not Asexual, far from it in fact. But my girlfriend might be. She is sixteen and I am eighteen.

Now I love my girlfriend with all my heart and plan to spend as much time if not all of it with her, but I just have so many questions.

I will preface this by saying two things, yes both of us have done our research (Her more than me.) and yes I am EXTREMELY accepting and even welcoming of her Asexuality (If it is that.) I feel true love does not require sex.

But that being said I am still feel sexual attraction (Probably more so than the average guy.. Which sucks in my opinion.) I came here to ask a few questions and hopefully get some answers!

Questions:

1. Is it possible that she is simply a late bloomer and will develop sexual attraction later? As I said, she is sixteen, and was wondering if this was the case?

2. How should we go about having sex when we do? We did have the discussion of the possibility of it happening and she agree's that if it will most likely happen due to the nature of our relationship, but I am worried about harming her or making her uncomfortable! Her happiness is my first concern above all else.

3. Would it be a wise decision for me to find ways to decrease my sex drive? And if so what are ways to do this?

4. What are some general tips for my situation of a guy with an average to above average sex drive being with a girl who is Asexual?

And as the title implies I will answer any and all questions you have about me (Within reason) as long as you help me with mine!

Thank you for your time!

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1. Alot of younger people get dismissed as asexuals simply because they're 'too young'. Personally, I realized it when I was 17, and I'm now 21. That being said, it may depend on the individual.

2. Talking to her about it in depth would be your best bet. Don't try to rush things.

3. Perhaps take matters into you own hands - if you know what I mean...

4. It may be a good idea to introduce your girlfriend to the site. There are plenty of people here who would be more than willing to help you both out.

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WreckerChick

First off, you prolly shouldn't have sex with her until she's at least 18. Especially if you're in America.

If you guys think she may be asexual but possibly just a late bloomer, I would say that if or when you decide to do the do it should be entirely her choice and her idea. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want you to bring it up all the time, then I'd just feel pressured and do it to save the relationship even though I would not be happy with doing it.

As far as your wants and needs go, I would say you might wanna look into picking up some new hobbies. Something time consuming that expends energy. Focus on schoolwork maybe (don't know if you're planning for college or not). Being active in something that interests you and makes you happy will give you lots to share with your girlfriend that doesn't involve sex.

That's all I got, hopefully it's helpful on some level. :-)

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While I'm not saying "late bloomer" isn't a possibility, from what I understand most people develop sexual attraction around the time they hit puberty. If she doesn't feel it by sixteen, it might be safe to say she's somewhere on the asexual spectrum. But that's for her to decide. And it's not like you sign a contract in blood if you start identifying as ace - if she feels it doesn't fit her later, it's fine.

As far as having sex goes, I will say this - just because she doesn't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean she wouldn't enjoy sex. The most important thing is that you communicate with each other. Relationships between aces and allosexuals usually involve some level of compromise on both sides, but what that means in your relationship is up to you. Like I said, communicate with each other. Know where her boundaries are and make sure she's comfortable.

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1. Is it possible that she is simply a late bloomer and will develop sexual attraction later? As I said, she is sixteen, and was wondering if this was the case?

It's possible... But you know what? if she says something about herself, don't sit and question when or if she'll change... Because at what age does one bloom? if anything, don't view her as a bud--are you? And for the sake of throwing it out there: if you look at yourself and feel like you're an adult, don't date someone who you still see as a child (if you equate pre-bloom to being childish, other variations, juvenile). She may develop a lot of things later in life, but some things stay the same. Young people are often dismissed (an early respondent already said this) when they express an identity or concept of self that is perceived to be outside of the popular outline they grew up in, but please listen to her seriously as if this is something concrete, forever. Because it very well might be.

2. How should we go about having sex when we do? We did have the discussion of the possibility of it happening and she agree's that if it will most likely happen due to the nature of our relationship, but I am worried about harming her or making her uncomfortable! Her happiness is my first concern above all else.

Nope--I'll stop you right there. ".. when we do".. no. She's Asexual and yet the nature of your relationship is a sexual one, already? The nature of a relationship should not tip one way or the other like that. Many ace people are comfortable pleasuring their partner, receiving pleasure, or having sex in general, but how does she feel about it? You didn't mention if she was sex repulsed, indifferent, or etc. Before you decide "when we" will do anything, you need to find out how she actually feels about sex in a bit more detail. She may be saying that because of you (so just make sure she actually does want to have sex).

Asexuals can masturbate/have sex, orgasm, because our bodies still function. Whether or not an asexual actually does any of this is up to them, but don't think that sex with an ace person is like jamming a wall. So, you know, if you can do a good job pleasing her, she shouldn't be in pain. Her having sex with you shouldn't be like her forcing herself to swallow nasty food, and if it is, that's borderline rape (in which case, you should probably talk to her about it). She should only be doing what she wants to do, and her body will reflect that. Sex should never be painful.

3. Would it be a wise decision for me to find ways to decrease my sex drive? And if so what are ways to do this?

Some people take the straight forward route of masturbation, some do the opposite. It varies.. I feel like the latter choice is along the mentality of restricting yourself to the point where your body doesn't desire it anymore (like not eating sweets for a while, you'll lose the want) but I don't understand it enough...so don't listen to me. If your body wants to go, go take care of it--that's my advice.

4. What are some general tips for my situation of a guy with an average to above average sex drive being with a girl who is Asexual?

Don't have sex... It's no different than being a guy with an average to above average sex drive around a friend, stranger, etc. If you get horny easily, what do you do when you're around friends/people? How do you even interact with your friends? She's your girlfriend. I'm not the beacon of enlightenment, but I'm sure that people who date, aren't constantly having sex; they go to the movies, they go take walks, they go for a swim in a local river, they go to the mall and eat pretzels, they go into the forest and pick bark off of trees--(maybe not that last one) you hang out with her, and you do stuff that is fun and time consuming, but enjoyable all the same. If she's into having sex, maybe you could do that too, but if not, you do fun stuff that you would do with anyone. You know, enjoy your time with her and do activities that you both like.

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Hidden-Friend

1. Alot of younger people get dismissed as asexuals simply because they're 'too young'. Personally, I realized it when I was 17, and I'm now 21. That being said, it may depend on the individual.

2. Talking to her about it in depth would be your best bet. Don't try to rush things.

3. Perhaps take matters into you own hands - if you know what I mean...

4. It may be a good idea to introduce your girlfriend to the site. There are plenty of people here who would be more than willing to help you both out.

Thanks for your advice!

I think I will direct her to this site! I'll bring it up at least, I think I did already? But I can't recall.

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Hidden-Friend

First off, you prolly shouldn't have sex with her until she's at least 18. Especially if you're in America.

If you guys think she may be asexual but possibly just a late bloomer, I would say that if or when you decide to do the do it should be entirely her choice and her idea. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want you to bring it up all the time, then I'd just feel pressured and do it to save the relationship even though I would not be happy with doing it.

As far as your wants and needs go, I would say you might wanna look into picking up some new hobbies. Something time consuming that expends energy. Focus on schoolwork maybe (don't know if you're planning for college or not). Being active in something that interests you and makes you happy will give you lots to share with your girlfriend that doesn't involve sex.

That's all I got, hopefully it's helpful on some level. :-)

Oh don't worry!

We won't have sex for a while yet, for two reasons one being we are a long distance relationship and two I am Catholic and a believer in no premarital sex of any kind.

Well I already have enough hobbies to cause other people my age to have stress attacks heh.

But perhaps you're right when you said something more energy expending, because writing might be time consuming but its not all that tiring physically.

Thanks for your advice!

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Hidden-Friend

While I'm not saying "late bloomer" isn't a possibility, from what I understand most people develop sexual attraction around the time they hit puberty. If she doesn't feel it by sixteen, it might be safe to say she's somewhere on the asexual spectrum. But that's for her to decide. And it's not like you sign a contract in blood if you start identifying as ace - if she feels it doesn't fit her later, it's fine.

As far as having sex goes, I will say this - just because she doesn't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean she wouldn't enjoy sex. The most important thing is that you communicate with each other. Relationships between aces and allosexuals usually involve some level of compromise on both sides, but what that means in your relationship is up to you. Like I said, communicate with each other. Know where her boundaries are and make sure she's comfortable.

Oh believe me. Me and her do nothing but talk all day. I will say with no hyperbole that if you took every word that was written or said in between us in the run of a week you would have a book larger than a dictionary. We talk about everything from the serious to the not so much (Apparently Penguins have knee's) We did discuss sex, we discussed how we were never going to have kids, and that the thought in general scares us both. But when it came to the specifics of how we would deal with it, we don't have much frame of reference. But none the less as you said all relationships between the two usually require some amount of compromise, and it seems as though we have had some in the discussion.

Thanks for your advice!

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1. I don't know about the "late bloomer" part, but yes, it's possible that she could experience attraction at some point later in life. Be aware, however, that might only apply to someone else (if she's graysexual, that could mean she only feels attraction in rare circumstances). I've never heard of a case where a person just suddenly feels attraction for someone when they hadn't before. Exception could be a demisexual, but it sounds like the two of you have been together awhile? If she's not demisexual, it's unlikely that she will randomly start feeling attraction if she hadn't before.

2. Make sure she wants to have sex. Happening because it's the "nature of a relationship" isn't a good reason. I've been pressured into having sex because I thought that was the only way of having a relationship, and it didn't feel right to me (not to say you are pressuring and it's clear you don't want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable, I only caution to make sure she doesn't feel that way.). Attraction isn't the only reason she might want to have sex, so maybe she will want to have sex at some point. Basically, just make sure to listen, and if you have sex, keep listening... stop if it makes her uncomfortable, etc. Consider compromises, maybe that are sensual or some sexual activities that you both enjoy.

Also, 16 is young, so if nothing else, she may just want time to figure out what she feels or what she wants. Also, I don't know where you live, but if she's underaged and you aren't, be careful if that's illegal where you live.

3. I don't recommend this EVER, but oregano oil stops arousal. It burns like hell. (I hate the feel of arousal, so I'd rather burn ). Honestly, I'm not sure of any healthy ways to decrease libido. I wouldn't compromise your health over it.

4. Take care of it yourself? If you are happy with the relationship, then that means accepting it and your girlfriends as is. Do non-sexual fun things together.

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Hidden-Friend

1. Is it possible that she is simply a late bloomer and will develop sexual attraction later? As I said, she is sixteen, and was wondering if this was the case?

It's possible... But you know what? if she says something about herself, don't sit and question when or if she'll change... Because at what age does one bloom? if anything, don't view her as a bud--are you? And for the sake of throwing it out there: if you look at yourself and feel like you're an adult, don't date someone who you still see as a child (if you equate pre-bloom to being childish, other variations, juvenile). She may develop a lot of things later in life, but some things stay the same. Young people are often dismissed (an early respondent already said this) when they express an identity or concept of self that is perceived to be outside of the popular outline they grew up in, but please listen to her seriously as if this is something concrete, forever. Because it very well might be.

2. How should we go about having sex when we do? We did have the discussion of the possibility of it happening and she agree's that if it will most likely happen due to the nature of our relationship, but I am worried about harming her or making her uncomfortable! Her happiness is my first concern above all else.

Nope--I'll stop you right there. ".. when we do".. no. She's Asexual and yet the nature of your relationship is a sexual one, already? The nature of a relationship should not tip one way or the other like that. Many ace people are comfortable pleasuring their partner, receiving pleasure, or having sex in general, but how does she feel about it? You didn't mention if she was sex repulsed, indifferent, or etc. Before you decide "when we" will do anything, you need to find out how she actually feels about sex in a bit more detail. She may be saying that because of you (so just make sure she actually does want to have sex).

Asexuals can masturbate/have sex, orgasm, because our bodies still function. Whether or not an asexual actually does any of this is up to them, but don't think that sex with an ace person is like jamming a wall. So, you know, if you can do a good job pleasing her, she shouldn't be in pain. Her having sex with you shouldn't be like her forcing herself to swallow nasty food, and if it is, that's borderline rape (in which case, you should probably talk to her about it). She should only be doing what she wants to do, and her body will reflect that. Sex should never be painful.

3. Would it be a wise decision for me to find ways to decrease my sex drive? And if so what are ways to do this?

Some people take the straight forward route of masturbation, some do the opposite. It varies.. I feel like the latter choice is along the mentality of restricting yourself to the point where your body doesn't desire it anymore (like not eating sweets for a while, you'll lose the want) but I don't understand it enough...so don't listen to me. If your body wants to go, go take care of it--that's my advice.

4. What are some general tips for my situation of a guy with an average to above average sex drive being with a girl who is Asexual?

Don't have sex... It's no different than being a guy with an average to above average sex drive around a friend, stranger, etc. If you get horny easily, what do you do when you're around friends/people? How do you even interact with your friends? She's your girlfriend. I'm not the beacon of enlightenment, but I'm sure that people who date, aren't constantly having sex; they go to the movies, they go take walks, they go for a swim in a local river, they go to the mall and eat pretzels, they go into the forest and pick bark off of trees--(maybe not that last one) you hang out with her, and you do stuff that is fun and time consuming, but enjoyable all the same. If she's into having sex, maybe you could do that too, but if not, you do fun stuff that you would do with anyone. You know, enjoy your time with her and do activities that you both like.

1. Oh believe me, I would never view her as a child, or someone whom is too young for me. I don't even view myself as an adult.

She is just amazing.. She's smart, funny, creative, and possibly the oddest person out there! I simply used the term late bloomer because I don't quite know how to phrase it better then that. Its kind of an all encompassing term.

And you actually are 100% right, and made me feel stupid.. I shouldn't hold out thinking "Well maybe this will happen?" I should treat it day by day. I love her and the way she is now, so why would I care for her more or less if she changed? I will take that to heart with me! She is who she is!

2. I did ask her about her opinion on it and how she would feel. I don't quite know why I phrased it the way I did? Maybe I should delve a bit deeper. I will say this, I don't think sex is needed to have a great relationship. I did discuss this with her as I said and she isn't repulsed by it, simply nervous about it. I don't quite know what else to say actually? Just kind of lost in my mind at the fact that I may have pressured her into giving me that answer.. I must have further discussion with her.

3. Yeah. I guess I just have to find my own way of dealing with it.

4. Oh totally! I should have stressed further sex is like 0.01% important to me in this relationship! If she told me tomorrow that we would never have sex simply because she is afraid to do so, I wouldn't argue with her at all! We are just two weirdo's who do nothing but talk and weird things (Yeah.. We would do the bark thing, with the additive of drawing goofy faces on them and naming them.) She means the world to me, she is the yin to my yang, the light to my dark, we get along better than peanut butter and jelly, or even two cannibal midgets in a fat guys ribcage! There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

We have a great relationship and a great amount of things to do and discuss!

I just brought this thread up just to get tips about how to handle the whole topic of sex itself.

Thank you very much for your time and advice

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Hidden-Friend

1. I don't know about the "late bloomer" part, but yes, it's possible that she could experience attraction at some point later in life. Be aware, however, that might only apply to someone else (if she's graysexual, that could mean she only feels attraction in rare circumstances). I've never heard of a case where a person just suddenly feels attraction for someone when they hadn't before. Exception could be a demisexual, but it sounds like the two of you have been together awhile? If she's not demisexual, it's unlikely that she will randomly start feeling attraction if she hadn't before.

2. Make sure she wants to have sex. Happening because it's the "nature of a relationship" isn't a good reason. I've been pressured into having sex because I thought that was the only way of having a relationship, and it didn't feel right to me (not to say you are pressuring and it's clear you don't want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable, I only caution to make sure she doesn't feel that way.). Attraction isn't the only reason she might want to have sex, so maybe she will want to have sex at some point. Basically, just make sure to listen, and if you have sex, keep listening... stop if it makes her uncomfortable, etc. Consider compromises, maybe that are sensual or some sexual activities that you both enjoy.

Also, 16 is young, so if nothing else, she may just want time to figure out what she feels or what she wants. Also, I don't know where you live, but if she's underaged and you aren't, be careful if that's illegal where you live.

3. I don't recommend this EVER, but oregano oil stops arousal. It burns like hell. (I hate the feel of arousal, so I'd rather burn ). Honestly, I'm not sure of any healthy ways to decrease libido. I wouldn't compromise your health over it.

4. Take care of it yourself? If you are happy with the relationship, then that means accepting it and your girlfriends as is. Do non-sexual fun things together.

1. Yeah, this topic has been brought up before here (In some degree at least.). And I realised I should not hold out expecting her to change, I love her the way she is!

2. Okay, I will talk it over with her and see how she feels and if I did actually pressure her into giving the answer I wanted. And if so? Then so be it! I can live without!

3. Even though I probably won't do that, I kind of agree with you, like for me when all is said and done and I *Ahem* "Finish" I think to myself "Wow.. I just wasted all that time doing literally nothing?" So to be honest arousal is becoming a bit of an annoyance in general for me.

4. Yeah! This point is getting more and more clear to me the more I read over these replies.

Thank you for your time and advice!

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WreckerChick

She means the world to me, she is the yin to my yang, the light to my dark, we get along better than peanut butter and jelly, or even two cannibal midgets in a fat guys ribcage!

HA! Well now I've heard it all :-P
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Hidden-Friend

Surprisingly (Or not, depending if you know me.) Its not the first time I'v used that to describe me and her heh

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