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Friend is happy


Tarfeather

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Tarfeather

One of my best friends, my sort of "partner in crime" in my forever alone existence, just told me about kissing a girl all night. He met her about a week ago. From everything he told, she sounds quite nice. He already told me, that this quite changes his perspective on things, since he (like me) expected to pretty much be single for the rest of his life, maybe marry a woman for practical purposes, but not out of love.

So I should feel happy for him. And I do. But at the same time, this makes me feel so inadequate about my own relationship. "They kissed all night". They hardly know each other for more than a week. It took my girlfriend a full month to come to the conclusion that she wants a relationship with me. Then a few weeks for our first hug. Then another few weeks for our first kiss. And she never liked to do a lot of that kind of stuff. She never will. Meanwhile, after a mere week, these two are having all of that.

It just reminds me so much that what I have isn't normal at all, and that especially for me to shut down my desires like that isn't something most people would do.

Maybe my perspective is also starting to change. I'm starting to feel more that I deserve to have a happy relationship like everyone else seems to be having, and less that I should be happy to have any partner at all, which so far has been one strong reason keeping me in this relationship. However, I can't really say that I'm angry or disappointed with my partner for not giving me that. That feeling has passed a long time ago.

So maybe I do have a choice of dumping my partner and actually finding what I want in someone else. But the problem is that it doesn't matter. Even if I have that choice, I still choose my partner. Not because I love her oh so much and am willing to deal with the issue of her not having any romantic or sexual desire for me. No, it's because I've found that I don't consider her aromantism and asexuality and everything else to be a problem at all any more. I consider that to be a part of the person I love.

Meh. I wish I'd have had more luck before finding her. Some happy time with an overly clingy nympho who absolutely adores me, that'd have been nice. But now it's not even something I desire any longer, what the hell.

I wasn't even going anywhere with this. Maybe I should post it in Tea & Sympathy instead. But I guess this is something to think about for the other folks in my predicament.

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Sutaomiiru

To consider your partner's aromanticism as a part of the person you love is... I do not know what word to use... heart warming and strong perhaps. That really proves how much you love her. That is something that I really respect.

I am sorry that I am not better at expressing sympathy, but I wish the two of you well.

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maybe marry a woman for practical purposes, but not out of love.

How the hell does someone "marry for practical purposes"? O.o

That aside... HUGS! I'd say, don't dump and search for someone else. From my experience searching has never really done any good. If someone DOES come around, have a serious talk with your current partner. I don't know what your exact situation looks like and where your own wishes lie, but there is always the possibility of an open relationship if the people involved are ok with it.

Also sorry for bothering you on this point, but I don't really understand how an aromantic has relationships. I thought the point was that they didn't feel the need to have them?

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Autumn Season

That aside... HUGS! I'd say, don't dump and search for someone else. From my experience searching has never really done any good. If someone DOES come around, have a serious talk with your current partner. I don't know what your exact situation looks like and where your own wishes lie, but there is always the possibility of an open relationship if the people involved are ok with it.

Agree. :)
And sorry, Tar. I know, hearing success-stories can suck.

Also sorry for bothering you on this point, but I don't really understand how an aromantic has relationships. I thought the point was that they didn't feel the need to have them?

Because Tar is so awesome, he can turn an aromantic romantic. ;) JK. But he did make his gf want him in her own way.

Though aromantics usually don't desire romantic relationships, they can still want a close relationship with one other.

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maybe marry a woman for practical purposes, but not out of love.

How the hell does someone "marry for practical purposes"? O.o

Need a visa, tax benefits, insurance benefits, etc, etc. :P

Sorry you're feeling a bit bummed about the friend thing, always sucks to kinda feel the whole "I wish I had that...". But, glad you're overall happy anyway. :)

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butterflydreams

So maybe I do have a choice of dumping my partner and actually finding what I want in someone else. But the problem is that it doesn't matter. Even if I have that choice, I still choose my partner. Not because I love her oh so much and am willing to deal with the issue of her not having any romantic or sexual desire for me. No, it's because I've found that I don't consider her aromantism and asexuality and everything else to be a problem at all any more. I consider that to be a part of the person I love.

This is a really lovely conclusion to arrive at.

In what seems like another life at this point (me back in high school 10 years ago) I felt very much the same as you. Friends had the audacity to actually complain to me that their girlfriend wouldn't do x, y, or z with them. Oh sure, they made out, got caught playing with each other in parked cars, held hands, and just generally did couple-y stuff. Meanwhile, I had nothing and no one. I would've passed out from shock if a girl had simply said she liked me.

So I think I roughly understand how you're feeling (though I'll admit, even in my previous life, lament over the lack of sexual stuff wasn't there). It sounds like you really do care about her though, and I think that's important. Other people will do what other people do. I can't imagine the difficulties you probably face with your partner, but maybe you could look at it this way. Sure, she's different from other heterosexual/romantic women, but she must have some kind of feelings for you. Not everyone gets to explore those different types of partner bonds. Have fun with it! Enjoy the fact that you get to discover new ways of being close with someone. Your friend may have a make out partner for the night, but he probably won't get to explore those unique ways of being close to someone. I truly believe that's special. And coming from someone who is asexual, and marginally romantic, I can say that for me personally, I'm excited to be able to explore and create new ways of being close to someone. Maybe your partner will feel the same way :)

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Tarfeather

So that friend sent me a picture of them together. And suddenly I don't feel so inadequate any more. Because she's slightly plump and not exactly matches the common beauty ideal. ._. Dear god, I'm such a terrible excuse for a human being. Someone please exorcise the demons from me.

(She's actually quite cute and I feel double happy for them now ^^)

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