Jump to content

Question on romantic asexuals


The ace in space

Recommended Posts

The ace in space

I'm confused (as always) on my romantic orientation. First I though I was straight, then I thought I was gay. Then I thought I was bi, until I realized I could be attracted to those who are gender non-binary/trans/genderfluid/agender/ect. AND THEN I stopped getting romantic attractions all together, and just got squishes. It's been hard for me to admit I like women, it's been hard for me to admit I like men, it's been hard to admit I like people in general because I have no idea what the heck I am. So my question is this, is it possible it's my (current) asexuality that's causing me to have no boundaries (except age) with romantic/platonic attractions? Does asexuality make romance confusing for any of you guys as well, gender wise or relationship wise? Is it a possibility that asexuality makes it easier to be attracted to everyone, or is it just me being confused?? I feel like I need a second opinion on this...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Member54880

Some asexuals can clearly identify romantic attraction without any sexual attraction, but for others, including me, the distinction between what is romantic vs. platonic attraction isn't clear.

Here's a thread questioning the boundaries between romantic and platonic attractions:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/109327-where-is-the-line-for-when-something-is-romantic-or-not/

In the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations board, if you look around, there are quite a few similar threads, so you aren't alone in how you feel.

I'm uncertain over whether I experience romantic attraction or not, or what the distinction is between romantic and platonic, so romance is confusing for me. However, I don't know if that has to do with my asexuality, or if I'd feel the same way if I weren't asexual.

There is a thread asking about the rather high percentage of biromantic and panromantic asexuals in the community:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/119006-curious-about-why-most-asexuals-are-biromantic-or-panromantic/

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to agree with you here- Romantic orientation is soooo confusing. I was able to identify with asexual almost immediately after hearing the label, but it took months of agonizing and lurking around the forums to figure out that I was aromantic. Even then, it is mostly based on the fact that I don't *think* I've experienced romantic attraction, and most people who have experienced romantic love seem to think you'll know it when you feel it. I'm also romance-repulsed, and it was hard to keep those feelings separate from my orientation.

I don't really know how much help I'll be here, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. So many people here have trouble with romantic orientation, and most likely that's why a whole subforum was created for discussing it. Don't worry if it takes you a while to figure things out, because these things are tough, and a lot of us will understand because we've been there before.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Francoise Wang

I identify as heteromantic asexual, and to me realizing my romantic orientation is much easier than realizing my sexual orientation. I've always known I'm attracted to men since puberty. To me, romantic attraction is a certain gut feeling, a sudden jolt of excitement, and suddenly having butterfly in my stomach when I see an attractive men. I can even feel that some men is "hot" (not pure aesthetic attraction like looking at a piece of art, it's a much more overwhelming feeling).

I know that it's not just platonic attraction because I almost never felt this way for a woman. Also, physical appearance still plays an important role for me to feel that kind of attraction, so I think it's definitely not platonic.

And about my sexual orientation, I've been confused for a long time whether the attraction I feel is romantic attraction or sexual attraction. Although I've never been turned on (get aroused) by anyone, no matter how "hot" I feel he is. And also I've never desired partnered sex with anyone. But I didn't know if this means I don't feel sexual attraction, or just most women feel this way (because the gender stereotype that women don't desire sex as much as men do, so I thought that most of the women are like me, and it's normal that when women feel sexual desire it's so weak that it's practically unnoticeable). I was always wondering if I actually do feel sexual attraction, just I haven't noticed it. Also, the society think that being attracted to people's body (physical appearance) equals to sexual attraction, this made me more confused (now I think this isn't true). Now I know that this is just a misconception, and women can also be very sexual and can feel strong sexual attraction. So I finally came to the conclusion that I'm asexual.

But I still have some confusion about my romantic orientation. Because I've been romantically attracted to a girl once in my life. So I've always been wondering whether I'm actually capable of being romantically attracted to women. But I generally don't feel any women "hot" and won't be attracted to women in the way I'm attracted to men, the feeling of looking at an attractive man and looking at an attractive woman are obviously different for me (I only feel pure aesthetic attraction to beautiful women, just like looking at a piece of art). But I still have that one exception (I was attracted to her in the same way I'm attracted to attractive men), so I wonder whether I'm actually capable of being attracted to both men and women initially, but just because I learned from the heteronormative society that I should be attracted to men but not women, so I'm not able to notice my ability of being attracted to women. But I can't confirm this because I've never been romantically attracted to another woman after that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The ace in space

I have to agree with you here- Romantic orientation is soooo confusing. I was able to identify with asexual almost immediately after hearing the label, but it took months of agonizing and lurking around the forums to figure out that I was aromantic. Even then, it is mostly based on the fact that I don't *think* I've experienced romantic attraction, and most people who have experienced romantic love seem to think you'll know it when you feel it. I'm also romance-repulsed, and it was hard to keep those feelings separate from my orientation.

I don't really know how much help I'll be here, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. So many people here have trouble with romantic orientation, and most likely that's why a whole subforum was created for discussing it. Don't worry if it takes you a while to figure things out, because these things are tough, and a lot of us will understand because we've been there before.

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone!
Link to post
Share on other sites
The ace in space

I identify as heteromantic asexual, and to me realizing my romantic orientation is much easier than realizing my sexual orientation. I've always known I'm attracted to men since puberty. To me, romantic attraction is a certain gut feeling, a sudden jolt of excitement, and suddenly having butterfly in my stomach when I see an attractive men. I can even feel that some men is "hot" (not pure aesthetic attraction like looking at a piece of art, it's a much more overwhelming feeling).

I know that it's not just platonic attraction because I almost never felt this way for a woman. Also, physical appearance still plays an important role for me to feel that kind of attraction, so I think it's definitely not platonic.

And about my sexual orientation, I've been confused for a long time whether the attraction I feel is romantic attraction or sexual attraction. Although I've never been turned on (get aroused) by anyone, no matter how "hot" I feel he is. And also I've never desired partnered sex with anyone. But I didn't know if this means I don't feel sexual attraction, or just most women feel this way (because the gender stereotype that women don't desire sex as much as men do, so I thought that most of the women are like me, and it's normal that when women feel sexual desire it's so weak that it's practically unnoticeable). I was always wondering if I actually do feel sexual attraction, just I haven't noticed it. Also, the society think that being attracted to people's body (physical appearance) equals to sexual attraction, this made me more confused (now I think this isn't true). Now I know that this is just a misconception, and women can also be very sexual and can feel strong sexual attraction. So I finally came to the conclusion that I'm asexual.

But I still have some confusion about my romantic orientation. Because I've been romantically attracted to a girl once in my life. So I've always been wondering whether I'm actually capable of being romantically attracted to women. But I generally don't feel any women "hot" and won't be attracted to women in the way I'm attracted to men, the feeling of looking at an attractive man and looking at an attractive woman are obviously different for me (I only feel pure aesthetic attraction to beautiful women, just like looking at a piece of art). But I still have that one exception (I was attracted to her in the same way I'm attracted to attractive men), so I wonder whether I'm actually capable of being attracted to both men and women initially, but just because I learned from the heteronormative society that I should be attracted to men but not women, so I'm not able to notice my ability of being attracted to women. But I can't confirm this because I've never been romantically attracted to another woman after that.

I can definitely agree about seeing how people find other people hot. I can tell when someone is hot, but I'm usually afraid to admit it because I've never really liked looking at people like that. And also, thank you for sharing your story! And to help you out a bit, who you are attracted to doesn't always define your orientation! I guess that makes things more confusing though...
Link to post
Share on other sites

I still don't know what my romantic attraction is either.. I'm thinking pan but honestly could care less. I have a wife, she is a woman, I love her we are happy. So unless I get a divorce I don't think I need to worry.

Now I do think most asexuals struggle with this because without sex to fall back on how can you tell who you are romantically attracted to? All the other orientations have "I like sex with X gender" and thus only find romance from those genders. OMG a whole new thought just entered my head! What if someone was one sexual orientation but another romantic orientation? Like a man that loved sex with women but only ever felt romance for men (that how they did things in ancient Rome). MIND BLOWN!

Either way I feel that without sexual attraction to fall back on romance is a difficult thing. considering anything you find attractive (romantically) can be found in ANY gender. I am a cisgender man (I was born a man and feel like a man). BUT according to American societal norms I act more like a woman (maybe a tomboy). So if you have a romantic affection for what society deems "appropriate behavior for women" you can find a man that will fit that role (such as is the case with me). so say you don't want sex with anyone but want that specific "societies definition of a woman" I would fit that role for you, despite being a man. I hate how society tries to put genders in these boxes, they are so confining and only make life more confusing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Francoise Wang

I still don't know what my romantic attraction is either.. I'm thinking pan but honestly could care less. I have a wife, she is a woman, I love her we are happy. So unless I get a divorce I don't think I need to worry.

Now I do think most asexuals struggle with this because without sex to fall back on how can you tell who you are romantically attracted to? All the other orientations have "I like sex with X gender" and thus only find romance from those genders. OMG a whole new thought just entered my head! What if someone was one sexual orientation but another romantic orientation? Like a man that loved sex with women but only ever felt romance for men (that how they did things in ancient Rome). MIND BLOWN!

Either way I feel that without sexual attraction to fall back on romance is a difficult thing. considering anything you find attractive (romantically) can be found in ANY gender. I am a cisgender man (I was born a man and feel like a man). BUT according to American societal norms I act more like a woman (maybe a tomboy). So if you have a romantic affection for what society deems "appropriate behavior for women" you can find a man that will fit that role (such as is the case with me). so say you don't want sex with anyone but want that specific "societies definition of a woman" I would fit that role for you, despite being a man. I hate how society tries to put genders in these boxes, they are so confining and only make life more confusing.

Well, I don't think "without sex to fall back on it would be necessarily harder to tell who you are romantically attracted to" (but of course, everyone feels differently). Maybe the reason you feel that it's hard to tell which gender you are romantically attracted to is that you're not monoromantic (not only romantically attracted to one gender).

Unless you don't care about people's appearance at all, otherwise even if you can be romantically attracted to people of all gender, you still can't be romantically attracted to people with all kinds of appearance, right? There's probably some kind of appearance that is really unattractive to you (not necessarily ugly, just not your preferred type), so no matter how great his/her personality is, you can only experience platonic attraction to him/her, but not romantic attraction.

Personally I can only be romantically attracted a person when his appearance is my preferred type. If I'm attracted to his personality, but not attracted to his personality, then it can only be platonic attraction, not romantic attraction.

And different gender has very different appearance. Male appearance and female appearance are very different. To some monoromantic people, they only find the appearance of one gender attractive.

Of course most people can find the appearance of all gender aesthetically attractive. But I don't mean "just aesthetic attraction", when I say I have to be attracted to someone's appearance to be romantically attracted to him, the attraction towards his appearance have to be more than just aesthetic attraction. I can be aesthetically attracted to a lot of people's appearance, but only a few people's appearance can give me that "a sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in my stomach" feeling, and that's what I would consider "my preferred type of appearance".

So it doesn't matter whether you feel sexual attraction or not. I don't think it has anything to do with sex or sexual attraction. Just if only the appearance of one gender can give you that "sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in your stomach" feeling, you're probably only romantically attracted to that gender.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My romantic attraction actually made it difficult for me to see myself as ace at first, because it had never occurred to me until recently that it was different from sexual attraction.

I've always had crushes on boys, I think my first being in kindergarten. It's hard to describe, but the attraction I feel toward men is notably different from how I feel about women, but at the same time not sexual. I've never looked at a woman and thought about dating her the way I have with men.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I still don't know what my romantic attraction is either.. I'm thinking pan but honestly could care less. I have a wife, she is a woman, I love her we are happy. So unless I get a divorce I don't think I need to worry.

Now I do think most asexuals struggle with this because without sex to fall back on how can you tell who you are romantically attracted to? All the other orientations have "I like sex with X gender" and thus only find romance from those genders. OMG a whole new thought just entered my head! What if someone was one sexual orientation but another romantic orientation? Like a man that loved sex with women but only ever felt romance for men (that how they did things in ancient Rome). MIND BLOWN!

Either way I feel that without sexual attraction to fall back on romance is a difficult thing. considering anything you find attractive (romantically) can be found in ANY gender. I am a cisgender man (I was born a man and feel like a man). BUT according to American societal norms I act more like a woman (maybe a tomboy). So if you have a romantic affection for what society deems "appropriate behavior for women" you can find a man that will fit that role (such as is the case with me). so say you don't want sex with anyone but want that specific "societies definition of a woman" I would fit that role for you, despite being a man. I hate how society tries to put genders in these boxes, they are so confining and only make life more confusing.

Well, I don't think "without sex to fall back on it would be necessarily harder to tell who you are romantically attracted to" (but of course, everyone feels differently). Maybe the reason you feel that it's hard to tell which gender you are romantically attracted to is that you're not monoromantic (not only romantically attracted to one gender).

Unless you don't care about people's appearance at all, otherwise even if you can be romantically attracted to people of all gender, you still can't be romantically attracted to people with all kinds of appearance, right? There's probably some kind of appearance that is really unattractive to you (not necessarily ugly, just not your preferred type), so no matter how great his/her personality is, you can only experience platonic attraction to him/her, but not romantic attraction.

Personally I can only be romantically attracted a person when his appearance is my preferred type. If I'm attracted to his personality, but not attracted to his personality, then it can only be platonic attraction, not romantic attraction.

And different gender has very different appearance. Male appearance and female appearance are very different. To some monoromantic people, they only find the appearance of one gender attractive.

Of course most people can find the appearance of all gender aesthetically attractive. But I don't mean "just aesthetic attraction", when I say I have to be attracted to someone's appearance to be romantically attracted to him, the attraction towards his appearance have to be more than just aesthetic attraction. I can be aesthetically attracted to a lot of people's appearance, but only a few people's appearance can give me that "a sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in my stomach" feeling, and that's what I would consider "my preferred type of appearance".

So it doesn't matter whether you feel sexual attraction or not. I don't think it has anything to do with sex or sexual attraction. Just if only the appearance of one gender can give you that "sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in your stomach" feeling, you're probably only romantically attracted to that gender.

Wow I just made a very sad revelation about my life. In the past there have been men that I have found attractive(aesthetically) and the idea of romance with them seemed fine(they were great guys) that pursued my affection. But I never felt that sexual attraction(I now know I feel no sexual attraction) thus I made this smistake: Im not sexually attracted to men so I must be heterosexual. Which would lead me to turn these men away. Think of all the possible romantic relationships I could have had. The people I could have gotten to know better, the experiences I ignored simply because I never understood my sexual orientation.

I now see why making asexuality more visual is sooo important. I am a little sad now.

But hey I love my wife so maybe its not all bad.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Francoise Wang

I still don't know what my romantic attraction is either.. I'm thinking pan but honestly could care less. I have a wife, she is a woman, I love her we are happy. So unless I get a divorce I don't think I need to worry.

Now I do think most asexuals struggle with this because without sex to fall back on how can you tell who you are romantically attracted to? All the other orientations have "I like sex with X gender" and thus only find romance from those genders. OMG a whole new thought just entered my head! What if someone was one sexual orientation but another romantic orientation? Like a man that loved sex with women but only ever felt romance for men (that how they did things in ancient Rome). MIND BLOWN!

Either way I feel that without sexual attraction to fall back on romance is a difficult thing. considering anything you find attractive (romantically) can be found in ANY gender. I am a cisgender man (I was born a man and feel like a man). BUT according to American societal norms I act more like a woman (maybe a tomboy). So if you have a romantic affection for what society deems "appropriate behavior for women" you can find a man that will fit that role (such as is the case with me). so say you don't want sex with anyone but want that specific "societies definition of a woman" I would fit that role for you, despite being a man. I hate how society tries to put genders in these boxes, they are so confining and only make life more confusing.

Well, I don't think "without sex to fall back on it would be necessarily harder to tell who you are romantically attracted to" (but of course, everyone feels differently). Maybe the reason you feel that it's hard to tell which gender you are romantically attracted to is that you're not monoromantic (not only romantically attracted to one gender).

Unless you don't care about people's appearance at all, otherwise even if you can be romantically attracted to people of all gender, you still can't be romantically attracted to people with all kinds of appearance, right? There's probably some kind of appearance that is really unattractive to you (not necessarily ugly, just not your preferred type), so no matter how great his/her personality is, you can only experience platonic attraction to him/her, but not romantic attraction.

Personally I can only be romantically attracted a person when his appearance is my preferred type. If I'm attracted to his personality, but not attracted to his personality, then it can only be platonic attraction, not romantic attraction.

And different gender has very different appearance. Male appearance and female appearance are very different. To some monoromantic people, they only find the appearance of one gender attractive.

Of course most people can find the appearance of all gender aesthetically attractive. But I don't mean "just aesthetic attraction", when I say I have to be attracted to someone's appearance to be romantically attracted to him, the attraction towards his appearance have to be more than just aesthetic attraction. I can be aesthetically attracted to a lot of people's appearance, but only a few people's appearance can give me that "a sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in my stomach" feeling, and that's what I would consider "my preferred type of appearance".

So it doesn't matter whether you feel sexual attraction or not. I don't think it has anything to do with sex or sexual attraction. Just if only the appearance of one gender can give you that "sudden jolt of excitement and butterfly in your stomach" feeling, you're probably only romantically attracted to that gender.

Wow I just made a very sad revelation about my life. In the past there have been men that I have found attractive(aesthetically) and the idea of romance with them seemed fine(they were great guys) that pursued my affection. But I never felt that sexual attraction(I now know I feel no sexual attraction) thus I made this smistake: Im not sexually attracted to men so I must be heterosexual. Which would lead me to turn these men away. Think of all the possible romantic relationships I could have had. The people I could have gotten to know better, the experiences I ignored simply because I never understood my sexual orientation.

I now see why making asexuality more visual is sooo important. I am a little sad now.

But hey I love my wife so maybe its not all bad.

I remember that when I was in senior high school, most of the senior high school are boys' school (only for boys) or girls' school (only for girls), including the one I attended to.

And in the health education class our teacher kept teaching us that because teenagers really need close friends, and often have difficulty differentiating romantic love with friendship, also there's no people of opposite sex around, so if we think we have a crush on a person of the same sex around us, it's probably because we confused friendship with romantic feeling and what we are experiencing are just friendship, not because we're homosexual or bisexual. Only if we want to have sex strongly with the person we think we have a crush on, then it would be romantic love.

Now I think it's completely nonsense. Indeed it's possible for people to confuse romantic love with friendship (and it doesn't only happen on teenagers, it often happens on adults too). But no one would say this "If you think you have a crush on a person of the opposite sex, it's probably because you confused romantic love with friendship and you're actually just experiencing friendship, not because you're heterosexual" thing to a teenager who have a crush on a person of the opposite sex. Also, even many sexual doesn't want sex at the beginning when they develop romantic feeling for someone, they also need more emotional bond to be comfortable to have sex, even it really is romantic love.

I had a crush on a girl when I was in senior high school. And of course, I didn't want to have sex with her (because I can't be sexually attracted to anyone). Also because non-heterosexual people are so rare (only about 10%), I thought the probability of I happened to be one is too low, so I must still be heterosexual, never thought I could be bisexual (or other non-heterosexual identity), although I'm perfectly OK with myself being bisexual.

Until I entered university, I started to think about whether I could be bisexual or biromantic.

I wonder whether my self identification would be different if I have thought that I could be bisexual or biromantic when I was in senior high school.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fish of hearts

My romantic attraction actually made it difficult for me to see myself as ace at first, because it had never occurred to me until recently that it was different from sexual attraction.

I've always had crushes on boys, I think my first being in kindergarten. It's hard to describe, but the attraction I feel toward men is notably different from how I feel about women, but at the same time not sexual. I've never looked at a woman and thought about dating her the way I have with men.

This is precisely how I feel, too. I also started crushing in kindergarten. >_> Glad I'm not the only one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm confused (as always) on my romantic orientation. First I though I was straight, then I thought I was gay. Then I thought I was bi, until I realized I could be attracted to those who are gender non-binary/trans/genderfluid/agender/ect. AND THEN I stopped getting romantic attractions all together, and just got squishes. It's been hard for me to admit I like women, it's been hard for me to admit I like men, it's been hard to admit I like people in general because I have no idea what the heck I am. So my question is this, is it possible it's my (current) asexuality that's causing me to have no boundaries (except age) with romantic/platonic attractions? Does asexuality make romance confusing for any of you guys as well, gender wise or relationship wise? Is it a possibility that asexuality makes it easier to be attracted to everyone, or is it just me being confused?? I feel like I need a second opinion on this...

Boy, I relate to this. I'm one of the people (I think there are a lot of us around) who identified as bisexual because Teenage Me looked around and said, huh, I feel the same level of sexual attraction to both men and women. It just never dawned on me that said level of attraction was actually pretty much zero. :)

And yes, it's been drastically confusing at times over the years. The various people that I've walked down the Path To Sex with, and then... nothing happened. (Confused the hell out of everyone involved, I imagine -- me for sure!) The couple of people I've had insane crushes on, got them into my bed, and then, if they didn't instigate anything, never had sex with them. I spent many years with the odd feeling: I'm bisexual, so in theory I could have sex with anybody, and yet I basically never get around to actually doing it.

Anyway, yeah, when I discovered asexuality a few months ago, everything suddenly made a whole lot more sense. Being a visual person and being irresistably curious, I'm fascinated by tons and tons of people that I see -- panaesthetic, if you will. I believe I'm panromantic, too, though I haven't sat down and actually thought that through.

Eternally grateful I found this site. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've always had crushes on boys, I think my first being in kindergarten. It's hard to describe, but the attraction I feel toward men is notably different from how I feel about women, but at the same time not sexual. I've never looked at a woman and thought about dating her the way I have with men.

This is precisely how I feel, too. I also started crushing in kindergarten. >_> Glad I'm not the only one.

*nods* I still wonder if the feelings I had for my friend I. in kindergarten - whom I actually planned on marrying up until I was 10 or so! - and for one girl on TV whom I always got "funny" feelings for when she was on screen, were early crushes. They likely were, indeed. I sure knew that I didn't feel for any boys like that. So at least, my gynoromantic preferences go back to pre-school age.

I never confused it with sexuality though... that's been icky for me all along, and for a long time, I got pretty angry at anyone who said or implied I was straight/heterosexual - even though I was missing a fitting label before finding AVEN, I always knew that one wasn't fitting me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...