Uhh.. help? he says he loves me

[Peachyy]

[this forum seemed to fit, but I'm sorry if it's the wrong one]

I met this guy on a writing website and we had a lot of long conversations, so I wanted to keep talking to him. We exchanged numbers and text pretty much everyday and right off the bat i told him I was aromantic and on the asexual spectrum, and he said he was cool with it-- i wanted him to know I didn't want a relationship. but now he's telling me how much he loves me and all this-and-that and I don't... understand those feelings... I don't understand what love "feelings" feel like, other than it's supposed to be something really strong (and apparently unbearable to be away from the other person?) I have no desire or need to ever see him, embrace him, or anything, but he does for me. I don't get bubbles in my stomach when I think about him, or have any yearning desire.

Alright so here's the problem I created: we send nudes to each other (I'm not all that interested in his, but I don't want to shoot down his confidence). Honestly, I've always been the sort to take really tasteful nude photos, but never had someone to send them off to. For all the situations that one might be naked in front of another person, I'll never be there for that. I figured that since he'd enjoy them, I could enjoy myself and get the opportunity to take pictures where my body looks nice, and have someone else see them too. It's not sexual to me, but I know that he's probably not looking at the pictures just for their aesthetic. I don't really care.

Even though I have clearly told him that I have no romantic or sexual interest in him, I know the more I talk to him the more he has those thoughts for me. We used to talk about... politics... and now he's talking to me more like I'm his girlfriend. He'll say that he knows I'll never love him, but still insists on calling me "love", or going on about how much he wants to hold me or be held by me. And I do care about him, he's like any of my other friends, but I have the feeling that I'm a bit negligent. Because even though I took the responsibility to tell him about my romantic and sexual orientation, I was still talking to a sexual and romantic person, so how could I think he would actually understand the situation without seeing it as something else? He's told me about this other girl he talks to (he'll sometimes ask me for advice when talking to her, which makes me think he'll get over me) but whenever I blatantly tell him to pursue her, he comes right back to say something like "but I only want you". It's gross. The only thing worse right now would be to delete his number and forget him (which, I admit, I could probably do) but we still have some good conversations once in a while and I fantasize a time when I can convert him to not be in love with me.

Any help? Am I cruel?

[Guest]

No, you're not cruel... he's being an idiot. He'll learn over time that chasing people isn't worth the time or energy. Consider yourself one of his lessons on the subject. You should tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he says the stuff that makes you uncomfortable (if you haven't already, that is).

[Rising Sun]

The only thing worse right now would be to delete his number and forget him (which, I admit, I could probably do) but we still have some good conversations once in a while and I fantasize a time when I can convert him to not be in love with me.

I think the bolded part is the only solution you have. Block his email address, block his phone number. The thing is that the longer you'll continue talking to him, more you'll give him false hopes. But if you cut contact, he'll probably realize that it's time for him to move on. It's not cruel, being cruel would be consciously giving him false hopes in order to not hurt him, which would be the worst thing to do by far.

[AveSatanas]

If you don't want him to try to convert you, why would you try to convert him? He's a sexual. You can't change that and it's beyond arrogant to even try. I could see if you were going to move in his direction how you would want him to move in your direction, but you are not willing to compromise at all. You would not like it if someone used you in this way or tried to force you to change. Sending a sexual nude pictures and then calling him gross for falling in love with you is cruel, yes, and a touch narcissistic in my opinion. Love is not gross, just because you don't happen to care for it. Just because you don't understand somebody else's feeling does not give you the right to disrespect them. As an asexual, aromantic I do not want you representing me to the world. I don't want people to think I would behave that way. Please stop.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

I don't think you are cruel.

You announced openly and honestly your understanding of yourself to him.

I guess a question might be do you understand your boundaries in this relationship? How much are you willing to tolerate and when? If you have decided and haven't shared it with him, then I suggest doing that as well. If he continues to violate them, then you should definitely protect yourself and withdraw from contact as much as you need to do so to observe them. If he doesn't respect your wishes, or tries to make you feel guilty, then a complete disconnect may be best.

We can't control what another person thinks.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

Sending a sexual nude pictures and then calling him gross for falling in love with you is cruel, yes, and a touch narcissistic in my opinion.

A nude picture is a nude picture. Society sexualizes the form.

Many people have different understandings of love. For some parents, loving their child means invalidating their opinion constantly because they know best. Such patronizing and invalidating "love" should always be considered gross and intolerable.

He might not be capable of changing his patterns of interaction with you.

There are many people that I am sure could view the nude form and have a conversation and not fall in love. Or if they did, act respectfully towards the other party if it is not reciprocated.

Aro-aces might be a safe space to share such things.

[nerdperson777]

Well, I guess I could say you are both at fault. He should know that you will never love him in the way he wants. And the nude photos were probably encouraging it.

I actually had a similar situation (without the nude). There was this guy I played games with for about 3 years now. First we were just someone to add from our gaming community and then one day we started chatting. We were really close later, messaging a lot, and I got his phone number from the admin forums when we were both admins for the community. So I texted him quite a bit too. So a year and a half after meeting him, he asked me out. I lightly rejected him, just knowing that I never wanted a relationship. He did write in the message that he was fine with just being friends so I did just that. But I noticed that he sometimes gets emotional and whiny at times, whether it's me or the game not working out as planned. Half a year later I started a blog and after another half year I started figuring out my anxiety, gender, and asexuality was a small one, as I knew the term two years before. But he got really upset about it and took almost a whole year to come to terms with it. I still wanted my friend but I knew he'd go away just like that if I did anything rash. I noticed our conversations weren't as fruitful anymore which was disappointing to me. He told me last week that they were attempts at flirting which I didn't even notice for an entire year.

So I get what you feel, except the nude stuff. Is there a way you think that can bring him back into the friend zone? My friend wanted out but he drifted off into distant friend zone. I'd at least think don't lead him on with the photos. There are other ways to be close friends with someone. Stay firm in the fact that you don't want any of it. "I just want a good friend. Is it that hard to ask?"

[Scottthespy]

I'd like to offer the idea that you kind of messed up really bad with the nudes. Most of the world sees nudes sent from one single person to another single person as a come on, or an invitation. This was mixing your signals: "no, I don't want to date you, but lets trade images of our naked bodies". It was a bad idea, whatever your reasons, and I'm frankly amazed you didn't realize that. In future, its best to assume that this kind of behaviour is going to be taken as encouragement for things you aren't meaning to encourage. This friendship may be unsalvageable at this point...and as others have noted, the kindest thing to do may be to block him and let him move on from you. The nudes have likely cemented the idea in his mind that "all this asexual talk is just playing hard to get", an idea his buddies and even other women he knows may be reinforcing by telling him things like "she's totaly into you dude, why would she trade nudes otherwise?" I have a male friend who is constantly told by people he knows that I must be into him because of this that or the next thing...and we're simply good friends. Almost sibling like. But they still see things there and insist to him that he should try. Luckily, he's a smart boy and doesn't listen. People are saying that he should respect your wishes, and that is very true, but you also need to respect him enough to not mess with him this way. In this day and age, people need to take care not to sent mixed signals like this.

[Guest]

tell him you aren't interested and you'd like him to not call you love, stop sending him nudes (maybe gradually if you're worried about his reaction if you're super blunt) so he will go to someone else for that, and continue talking to him as a friend.

If he doesn't stay your friend, he wasn't a very good one, yknow?

[Peachyy]

I'd like to offer the idea that you kind of messed up really bad with the nudes. Most of the world sees nudes sent from one single person to another single person as a come on, or an invitation. This was mixing your signals: "no, I don't want to date you, but lets trade images of our naked bodies". It was a bad idea, whatever your reasons, and I'm frankly amazed you didn't realize that.

I agree, however, when I said that I spoke to him about it, I actually did. I know that sending nude photos (candid) is what most people would consider a delicacy of a relationship, trust, etc. etc., but I made my idea of it clear. I told him that the photos were not a token of sorts, of my feelings for him; they were not sent to him out of specialty. I really did make sure that he knew what I was doing, and why. There's no way in hell I'd send someone nude photos of me who did not already know how I felt about them because... yeah, it's a big invitation if someones only seeing from the "most of the world" view. And you know? As much as I can explain my pov to him, I'm aware that he has his own ideas. He may know I don't see nudes as anything important, but he still might--he's an adult, and the more I think about it, I didn't invite him to this space without warning him from the start.

If you don't want him to try to convert you, why would you try to convert him? He's a sexual. You can't change that and it's beyond arrogant to even try. I could see if you were going to move in his direction how you would want him to move in your direction, but you are not willing to compromise at all. You would not like it if someone used you in this way or tried to force you to change. Sending a sexual nude pictures and then calling him gross for falling in love with you is cruel, yes, and a touch narcissistic in my opinion. Love is not gross, just because you don't happen to care for it. Just because you don't understand somebody else's feeling does not give you the right to disrespect them. As an asexual, aromantic I do not want you representing me to the world. I don't want people to think I would behave that way. Please stop.

I am actually... not forcing him to do anything?? Perhaps using the word "revert" would have been better, but in any case, that sentence was meant to be sarcastic. I know that I cannot make him see me in a more platonic way, as he did before. I didn't mean to say that I want to make him ace/aro, but rather fantasizing that he would suddenly see me as a friend (which I know is a pipe dream at this point). I don't want to change him. As well, I wasn't meaning to call love gross, but rather i how I feel when someone directs their romantic love toward me (especially after I tell them that it's not my thing). I feel... "icky". I respect him greatly, which is what this topic is about.

[potato-chip]

He's built up an elaborate fantasy of you, to the point where he is closing off other possibilities with the hope you will change your mind.

You may not understand, but unrequited romantic love can be very painful. The hope can be so strong that he will keep trying to get you to change your mind, no matter what you say. It would be kinder of you to end the relationship, or at least to no contact for 6 months or or more to give him time to get over his broken heart.

[Scottthespy]

I'd like to offer the idea that you kind of messed up really bad with the nudes. Most of the world sees nudes sent from one single person to another single person as a come on, or an invitation. This was mixing your signals: "no, I don't want to date you, but lets trade images of our naked bodies". It was a bad idea, whatever your reasons, and I'm frankly amazed you didn't realize that.

I agree, however, when I said that I spoke to him about it, I actually did. I know that sending nude photos (candid) is what most people would consider a delicacy of a relationship, trust, etc. etc., but I made my idea of it clear. I told him that the photos were not a token of sorts, of my feelings for him; they were not sent to him out of specialty. I really did make sure that he knew what I was doing, and why. There's no way in hell I'd send someone nude photos of me who did not already know how I felt about them because... yeah, it's a big invitation if someones only seeing from the "most of the world" view. And you know? As much as I can explain my pov to him, I'm aware that he has his own ideas. He may know I don't see nudes as anything important, but he still might--he's an adult, and the more I think about it, I didn't invite him to this space without warning him from the start.

While going into this with an understanding of how you feel about nudes is better than nothing, it still creates a false hope, and a false narrative for him to write in his head. The idea of 'playing hard to get but dropping hints' is kind of ingrained into many cultures through movies and other media, and there's a certain expectation these days that people are lying about what they really want, particularly girls. Say one thing, mean another, because if he can see the true meaning behind the mind games you know he's the one. There are people who do this very much on purpose because media has brainwashed them into thinking its the best way to find their perfect match. If these pictures were shared with more people...say, put up on some sort of deviant art style site for the appretiation of artful nudity, or something like that, it would remove the intimacy of the one on one setting of the pictures, and remove any doubt that these pictures are purely artistic in nature. No matter how you explain it, no matter what you say about it, one on one nudes sharing is going to put ideas in heads. Links to pictures up for the whole internet to appreciate convey the idea of 'here for art's sake' much more effectively.

[Rising Sun]

But do you realize that saying "you sent him nude pictures so it's normal that he's fallen in love with you" means "he isn't to blame, it's your fault !" ?

And since when should nudity be automatically sexual ? "OMG, you're naked, cover your body, it's obscene !"

[ithaca]

I can't believe no one has said this yet, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're not under age, because that would mean that he's now, technically, in possession of child pornography as far as I know.

It's also important to be careful when sending nudes, especially if you're texting/emailing someone who doesn't seem to be respecting your boundaries (what with calling you "love" and insisting that he loves you and alike). This is because way too often, when things go south, people have been posting online nude photos of those they resent (exes, generally) for the whole world to see.

This said, I'm not saying "you shouldn't" or "you can't", or that it's your fault he has feelings because of the nudes, I'm just adding some advice to always be cautious (and questions about your age).

[Saber Wing]

You need to be direct. I know you're worried about his self-confidence and hurting his feelings, but you're hurting him more by allowing this to go on. He needs to know that he can't cross your boundaries without consequences, and if he can't understand that, cut him off. It will be better for both of you. Trust me, I had a lot of trouble with my last ex because I hadn't completely figured out my sexuality yet, and when I did figure it out, and told him, he couldn't understand. He was blinded by his romantic love for me, which was frustrating, because I'm not capable of the same.

If his feelings for you are that strong, he will not let go unless you put an end to it. It's just how some romantics think. If they love someone, they're convinced they'll find a way to make it work so long as you 'stay' with him. You might not think of it that way, but he is, despite the fact that you told him you don't feel that way for him.

I also second what others have said about being very cautious about who you send nudes to. People can be very cruel, and you never know where that picture could end up.

[Qloshae]

As I see it, he has become attached to you and the only way to fix this is the cut the attachment.

Be clear, be direct and act consistently about it.

What triggered a severe trauma and depression for me was when a girl I really loved said "no, sorry" because I became fixated on the "sorry". Tho didn't help that she treated me like I was a monster after it as well by having her friends create a shield between us.

Another time a girl triggered a depression because she made excuses about how there was a too big age difference instead of just saying she wasn't interested in a relationship and then ofc. the day after she stopped our friendship saying that she "needed to be more modest" and that I had been "too kind" to her.

Just say that you're not interested in a relationship, no subtleties, no excuses.

[Peachyy]

I can't believe no one has said this yet, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're not under age, because that would mean that he's now, technically, in possession of child pornography as far as I know.

I was wondering why no one asked about my age (or his) ... but nah, I'm over 18. I've been aware of child pornography laws since I was as a lot younger and never did anything like this until I was at least legal.

As far as the nudes: put them on a billboard, send them to my extended family, my boss, tape them all around town--people who can't fathom this happening to them should never share pictures of their naked body. However, there's me, and I happily take responsibility for being the willing specimen.

The thing about our interactions, is that our conversations don't mainly consist of him calling me "love" and blabbering on about romantic/sexual things that make me uncomfortable--he knows that, and will occasionally say something but not after I tell him to stop (I don't expect him to just know the things that personally upset me until he trips over that line). Our topics spend more time in the area of regular friendship conversation/non-romantic things--but I still know that on the back burner he supposedly has deep, unrequited feelings for me that rarely come up anymore, but are still... there? And ending communication because of that seems useless, but when I don't know how those feelings feel, I don't know?? Because he's not delusional about how I feel about him, or goes over boundaries that I set up on purpose just to see if I'll reveal myself to be in love with him (it's accidental, if you could imagine that), or even questions whether or not I'm aro/ace at all--he's a great person and insists that he's fine with how things are. I just don't really believe that and I don't want him to be messed up after talking to me.

[binary suns]

tell him how you feel

if he doesn't respect that

i mean look

if he doesn't respect that

he isn't respecting you

so if he can't figure out that he's hurting you, protect yourself and cut him off.

it's unfortunate when that happens and it hurts -_- but hey it's ok and it's something many people have to do sometimes.

[Semtex in August]

have mercy on the lad. guillotine swift and decisive end, put him out of his misery so that he may find another person who wants what he wants

it may seem harsh but the best thing is to delete him from your life

even though you where honest and upfront with him, people so often only hear what they want to and ignore what does not fit into there desires

a swift death is an act of a true friend

feeling that he can go back to only being a friend is akin to expecting the chicken to go back into the egg after it has hatched

[MacAran]

If he doesn't stay your friend, he wasn't a very good one, yknow?

Folks please remember that romantic feelings aren't things that can just be switched on and off. I don't think you have been cruel. You were just being yourself and sharing yourself. Unfortunately, being yourself with someone can lead to them having romantic attraction to you, and that is something that is really really hard to move past. I've been interested in people that weren't interested in me, and the only way I could get past it was to put some space between myself and then for a while. That might be what you have to force him to do. If he's someone you do care about, you don't have to cut him out of your life entirely, but you might want to ask him to not contact you for a while. (A while in this case being at least a span of months)

[GwendolynAngel83]

I don't have much experience, but I personally am firmly against cutting him off. If he's a good friend and is trying to respect your boundaries, catching himself and stopping when you ask him to, then I think it would be cruel to cut him off. Yes he may have unrequited love for you, but he understands that it's never going to be returned. One member of a friendship falling for the other doesn't have to ruin the relationship. There's plenty of examples of that. Eventually he'll find someone else and move on. Until then I say just stay friends with him (unless he starts becoming pushy, or doesn't respect your boundaries anymore). But that's just my personal opinion

[ithaca]

Moving from Romantic and Aromantic Orientations to Asexual Relationships forum.

[Forever Dreaming]

I don't have much experience, but I personally am firmly against cutting him off. If he's a good friend and is trying to respect your boundaries, catching himself and stopping when you ask him to, then I think it would be cruel to cut him off. Yes he may have unrequited love for you, but he understands that it's never going to be returned. One member of a friendship falling for the other doesn't have to ruin the relationship. There's plenty of examples of that. Eventually he'll find someone else and move on. Until then I say just stay friends with him (unless he starts becoming pushy, or doesn't respect your boundaries anymore). But that's just my personal opinion

I agree with this. It seems that boundaries have been defined and expectations clearly stated. If he chooses to continue in his state of unrequited love (and it's important to realise that it is his choice), then perhaps he simply likes it that way. For some of us, it is an exquisite torment. It drives poets to pen and artists to paint. It gives us a reason to see the sunrise.

When he's had enough, or gets bored, he'll go his own way. In the meantime, and perhaps after, you will have a devoted friend.

[Peachyy]

I don't have much experience, but I personally am firmly against cutting him off. If he's a good friend and is trying to respect your boundaries, catching himself and stopping when you ask him to, then I think it would be cruel to cut him off. Yes he may have unrequited love for you, but he understands that it's never going to be returned. One member of a friendship falling for the other doesn't have to ruin the relationship. There's plenty of examples of that. Eventually he'll find someone else and move on. Until then I say just stay friends with him (unless he starts becoming pushy, or doesn't respect your boundaries anymore). But that's just my personal opinion

I agree with this. It seems that boundaries have been defined and expectations clearly stated. If he chooses to continue in his state of unrequited love (and it's important to realise that it is his choice), then perhaps he simply likes it that way. For some of us, it is an exquisite torment. It drives poets to pen and artists to paint. It gives us a reason to see the sunrise.

When he's had enough, or gets bored, he'll go his own way. In the meantime, and perhaps after, you will have a devoted friend.

Having talked with him for only a little while (a little over a month) I doubt we'll even be friends much longer--clashing personality types, (his)religious conflicts, etc. In an earlier response I mentioned that our conversations were not focused around his feelings for me, however, it's almost gone completely downhill. I still don't think it's from a purposeful disrespect for me (wanting to cause me severe discomfort and aggravated emotions), but he has become devoted and I don't really like it--he is texting me all the time and will try and find ways to talk about his feelings for me by asking ahead of time if he can "ask something?" And so I may have spoken too soon about him, seeing as I know him better and he's shown to be one of those people who tend to go "okay okay okay I understand!" while pushing on in the direction they want to go in.

For example: he asked me if he could elaborate a question on a statement I made last night, and responded with three bulk messages (exceeding the text limit on each box) and then ended with, quote: "so to super clarify, I am not asking you to do that at all. I know you don't want to and I respect that"--but that's rich, in the disgusting bitter frosting way.

It clearly takes time to map out someones patterns. I've known a lot of people like this, but I don't speak with them anymore...hopefully he'll wander off and find a new home.

[Forever Dreaming]

It sounds like you've had enough now. Whether it's a nice thing to do or not doesn't matter; it's your choice now and if you're fed up then you should bring it to an end. Your choice is always the right thing to do.

[Guest]

Hmm. While yes, nudes are often seen as a "come on", it's really his own fault if he's putting an idea to it beyond what the OP has told him. I've sent nudes to friends and they totally got that it was NOT a romantic advance. They respected it wasn't because *I* said I wasn't interested in them that way. And we talked about girls they were interested in that way. It's called ... being respected as a person. I said I feel this way, they accept that I feel that way. That's it. For me, that's a really basic part of being my friend and if I can't get that sort of respect from someone, I don't wanna talk to them anyway.

Now, that's not to say feelings cannot develop. It's totally natural. But, a no is a no is a no is a no. You don't keep pushing, or go with the idea "Oh, *I* think this has to mean more"... honestly, if you think that way, you'll think that way about A LOT of stuff. I had a guy that got all obsessed because, in text chat, online, I typed /hugs ... seriously, that was his idea of a come on meaning I MUST be romantically interested in him. And when he saw me do it to other people (cause, online hugs are awesome, the idea of "Aw, I am sorry" or "Aw, comforts" without having to touch anyone!) he flipped out about me "leading him on" and "being willing to flirt with anyone". Either a person respects a no/your feelings/lets you make your own decisions of if you're interested, or they don't. If OP wants a friend to swap nudes with for appreciation of the human form, as long as the OP is honest about it, they should be allowed to pursue that. And if anyone, after being told exactly what the deal is, doesn't respect that and gets all "TOTALLY MUST BE INTO ME", well, that's their own ego's fault.

So, OP, no I don't think you're being cruel. He needs to learn to take no as an answer. And I would have cut off contact a while ago, so you have more patience than I do. :)

[binary suns]

It clearly takes time to map out someones patterns. I've known a lot of people like this, but I don't speak with them anymore...hopefully he'll wander off and find a new home.

Ya....

I had a friedn who kept pushing me to date him, and I didn't really mind at first and when it comes to it I'm not entirely opposed to agreeing to a date. but I was happy to talk because he'd listen to whatever "elevator pitch" venting was on my mind... and only after giving me words of encouragement or praise would he go on to try to flirt me up. but after awhile he just got more and more sexual in his flirting... and he didn't really wait so long to start as he used to... I had enough. so long, guy :( at first I honestly didn't have the time to give him that date he wanted... but quickly I just started coming up with excuses .... idk

[zShadowz]

I'm kind of new here and I'm also like 10 days late on this, but I think deleting his number and blocking him goes too far. There's no need to cut him off until you remind him once more in a more direct way (AKA saying "I'm not interested in you and never will be, I'm sorry I can't help it so please stop falling for me" or whatever). Try that first. If he doesn't get it then delete him but don't jump the gun.