"You hurt me when you say that"

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

I've found over time that I have less and less interest in a romantic relationship with my partner. I am her entire social network, she spends about 5% of her time with others and believes that she can talk to no one else because everyone will be unable to understand her.

This has simply become too exhausting for me. We've talked about it, she keeps saying that she has problems she wants to work through and that she needs more support from me, I told her I can't give her any more support than already do, which honestly, is becoming less and less with each passing month.

I've told her many times, that for me to say some of the things she wants to hear, and genuinely mean it, that I have to feel a very strong emotional and intellectual connection to her. I don't. I feel a connection, but not anywhere near as strong for me to be comfortable and happy with being 95% of her emotional community. Her response is always the same "You don't know how much thats hurts when you say that".

When I explain why that is, that I can't feel fully safe with her on the topic of asexuality since so often she becomes hurt when the topic comes up or she sees films or cinema with sexual couples enjoying sexual relations. That for me to be genuinely joyful and happy I want to be either (a) working on my own project with others who are genuinely interested or (b) helping others work on the project they are. Now neither is happening. And I really do feel that sharing in a project together is a requirement for me to put up with 80% of hardship that comes along with being in an intimate, functionally exclusive relationship.

We have only a few shared interests now that we engage in on a daily basis, and they mostly revolve around how certain aspects of the world suck. I'm tired of this. I want something positive to talk about on a daily basis. Something positive we are doing together. When stuff is exceedingly horrible we do an amazing job supporting each other, and I feel it. But I want more diversity of joy and support than just those instances of adversity.

She always responds that I am asking so much of people and I wonder if I am just asking too much from sexuals. I seem to ask a lot more from the emotional and intellectual connection realm than she does, but they are needs for me since I have needed them and tried to attain them for the last seven years.

Do romantic asexuals have greater emotional and intellectual compatibility and partnership needs?

Asexies, have you heard similar critiques from past or present partners?

Thank you all for reading...

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

Everyone has a variety of levels when it comes to emotional & intellectual needs. There are some who need more attention from their partnership than others. No means for disrespect because her side of the story may be a bit deeper & need more than one post to fully explain it, but the negativity seems to be her way of trying to get you react to what she's telling you and connect with her through those means as well as provide emotional support beyond the negativity. That same connection you say you don't have at this point may be the same one she's expecting from you as a partner.

To be honest, this is probably one of the reasons why I don't think I can get involved in a relationship because I can be supportive, but I'm not sure if I could be enough in every situation. I feel for you though. I hope you guys can work it out & find a way to emotionally compromise with each other.

[Catlady79]

YES!!! My last partner who was a male always complained about the lack of everything from me and I relate to your reasons...

Sel x

[Lord Jade Cross]

Never had a partner myself but I have had people who were interested in me, get mad due to my lack of, I guess sympathy? or understanding their needs, understanding them or something. I never did get the whole thing of "you need to understand my feelings" when I wasn't even involved with them. People confuse me.

[allrightalready]

i am from the other side of the coin, i need more emotional connection from a partner and the solution for me was to leave. i can be alone while living alone and having no commitment to anyone else, i will only share my life with someone who can offer emotional support.

possibly you need to find someone more compatible with your emotional connection needs

[~RedArcher]

I have never had a partner but as a repulsed Aro-Ace, I can definitely say that I feed off people's basic intellect and general company to be happy and not feel unfulfilled for that day. Half the time I've found myself with a bunch of sexuals talking day-in day-out about sex and I'm just inwardly yelling, "fgs, can we please have a mature/intelligent conversation just once?"

I think that, since there's no/no need for physical intimacy - depending on the type of ace you are - we rely on everything else about a person to satisfy our emotional need to be social and bond. Sexual couples use sex as a bonding tool - ugh - but non-sexual aces can't just jump into bed and forgive all the nagging issues in their life/relationship like that. I do believe we have a great need for emotional and intellectual challenge.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

Everyone has a variety of levels when it comes to emotional & intellectual needs. There are some who need more attention from their partnership than others. No means for disrespect because her side of the story may be a bit deeper & need more than one post to fully explain it, but the negativity seems to be her way of trying to get you react to what she's telling you and connect with her through those means as well as provide emotional support beyond the negativity. That same connection you say you don't have at this point may be the same one she's expecting from you as a partner.

To be honest, this is probably one of the reasons why I don't think I can get involved in a relationship because I can be supportive, but I'm not sure if I could be enough in every situation. I feel for you though. I hope you guys can work it out & find a way to emotionally compromise with each other.

Often times people in the past have considered me negative, and I agree that a lot of what I said at the time was very down, even if it was and I still believe to be a more of a realist view of the world than a pessimist. I've simply grown bored of it, and unfortunately when I meet new people, it is my fall back to conversation for individuals I don't share any interests with.

In my case, talking about negative situations that impact me have made me undertake things to change it, albeit most attempts have ended in abject failure. For her, she doesn't know what will bring about success, doesn't know what the end will look like, and has a hard time believing in addressing things. I've tried many different ways of doing things together, from the silly and small to the more intellectually involved, none of which was fruitful and I basically gave up trying after three years and three different countries. :(

I still need these things, and I really feel I'm gasping for air. So now I am dedicating more and more time to pursue outlets where I can breath, and less and less time trying to spend more time with someone who can't. This isn't to say either of us is broken or cruel, we are, as another poster commented, just not as compatible as we used to be (emotionally and intellectually).

She told me she doesn't pressure me to do things, which is true, verbally. But she keeps asserting a physical closeness that I can't comfortably inhabit when I don't feel that strong of a connection. I have become repulsed to the contact she seems to want from me, or if I give it, it was done sort of begrudgingly (which could be felt by my growing irritation).