Queeries Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Just starting this to see if other aces have felt this way before! I feel really uncomfortable when I think about people in public perceiving me as sexually attractive or as a sexual person. To me, sex and related things just don't have a place in my school/professional life. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign that says something like "not interested in being sexy today" that would magically guarantee people wouldn't see me that way. I probably over-think this but it really weirds me out... Thoughts? Any similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them if you're comfortable sharing. :) Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I honestly try to be as "asexy" as possible. :lol: I also feel very uncomfortable when people think that I'm sexually attractive... no, just no... please no. Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 For me, when someone thinks of me as sexy, I'm like "if this is what you're into, so be it, but know I'm not into sex or anything". Link to post Share on other sites
ItWasNiceKnowingYou Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I hate it when you feel yourself being stared at and you look up and they're staring you dead in the eyes WITH NO SENSE OF DISCRETION OR SHAME. I smile because I want to be nice & I do weird stuff like that when I'm uncomfortable. They don't know the difference. (@_@) on the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartfulPeach Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I have never been called sexy or hot before so I don't have idea of how it would be. I have been called handsome and cute though. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Pretty much my reaction every single time someone hits on me Link to post Share on other sites
Toby The Casual Prince Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I very much don't want anyone to find me sexually attractive. It is not a thought I am comfortable with. The same goes for people assuming I'm sexual. A girl in my class once asked me how I'd feel if my friend had sex with a person I was in love with. And it freaked me out a bit because to me, at that time which was even before I had found the label asexual, it implied sex was something that I'd would want with that person. Which I never would. And the implication made me very uncomfortable. If it was possible to have a sign to prevent it I totally would wear it. Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Before I realized I was asexual, someone (always a guy) telling me I was "sexy" or implying that he wanted the sex from me put me in a rotten state. I was this horrible mixed bag of terrified something would come of it, envious that it was apparently a good feeling to have about someone and I never felt it, guilty because I never found it the compliment everyone else seemed to think it should be, and angry that whoever was saying this couldn't think of something that I actually would find complimentary and/or possibly saw me as a piece of meat attached to a vagina he eventually could use. These days I'm much more confident in myself and in the kinds of relationships I know I never want. If someone says I'm sexy, it just means that person is an easily identified "no." Link to post Share on other sites
CrochetFool Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 You know, that was actually how I figured out I was asexual in the first place. I was getting dressed one day, and for some reason I had to dress up (this was 10 or 12 years ago so the why is lost in the mists of time). I caught sight of myself in the mirror and randomly realized that someone might see me prettied up and think about having sex with me. My response was, literally, a ten-minute bout of horrified laughter and shrieks, followed by, "NO." Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Oh, same, same. I can't bear the thought of being called or seen as sexy...it hasn't happened very often (which I kind of try to make sure it doesn't lol), but I had a few remarks in the past from friends...and it made me feel so uncomfortable. If it's said in a joking manner, that's fine! Like, "Ooooh, sexy. ; )" But as a serious, "You're sexy. I find you sexually attractive," that...doesn't work out well with me. I much prefer "cute." That's like...my favorite adjective to describe me. Link to post Share on other sites
Queeries Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 To be perfectly honest, even though I know it's irrational, it flat-out horrifies me. I don't like the idea of anyone finding me sexy and it creeps me out to know that people assume I'm sexually active/want sex/like sex... even though I guess I'm more like grey-a and actually have been okay with certain sexual stuff at times. I'm really glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! My exact reaction varies between revulsion that people would think that about me and just indifference like "I don't care what other people think of me." I'm also ok with certain sexual stuff but yeah... But as a serious, "You're sexy. I find you sexually attractive," that...doesn't work out well with me. I much prefer "cute." That's like...my favorite adjective to describe me. Yeah I generally just feel indifference towards a statement like that. Haha I like being called cute too! That one's fun and nice. :) Wow I never expected so many responses! You guys are awesome. :) It made me feel a lot better scrolling through all of these replies and seeing that I wasn't alone. Sending lots of good feelings and virtual cake your way Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 With me, it hasn't been a flat out "I think you're sexy" thing being said but people have said I'm handsome and also asked me what would I look for in a woman. This has gone as far as asking me about my life/interests and I have played along, making up would be sexual fantasies or joking about how I would be insatiable especially since I can be hyper when I'm under the effects of a sugar rush. But on the inside the reactions I get are either a "NO, STAY THE HELL AWAY" or a "Does not compute" reaction. As I learned to fake it, I was able to appear more calm but in the earlier years, I would go from fine to freaked out in under a second. I remember one time, I was at the mall with my brother, mother and grandmother and they went to buy some things for some upcoming activity while my brother and I waited outside the store. A couple of minutes later, this guy comes up to me and tells me "hey, that girl over there is interested in you and wants to know if you wanna go talk to her". He pointed to a girl (well 2) across from where I was and they waved. I was in a sort of moment of shock as I didn't know how to react politely and decline the offer so I said "not today thanks"after sort of stammering for a bit. After my mother got out and we went to eat at one of the food joints at the mall, I couldn't help but look over my shoulder to see if those girls were not following me. I kind of get paranoid when people say they're interested in me...even today. Link to post Share on other sites
chinciki Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Just starting this to see if other aces have felt this way before! I feel really uncomfortable when I think about people in public perceiving me as sexually attractive or as a sexual person. To me, sex and related things just don't have a place in my school/professional life. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign that says something like "not interested in being sexy today" that would magically guarantee people wouldn't see me that way. I probably over-think this but it really weirds me out... Thoughts? Any similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them if you're comfortable sharing. :) Quite off topic but "Not Interested In Being Sexy Today" would be an awesome shirt.. Personally I'd get 3.. Link to post Share on other sites
Prisma Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Sexual attention makes me so uncomfortable I seriously considered wearing a binder a few times to avoid looking so feminine. However, because I don't understand subtle sexual behaviors, I don't really notice it enough to be that bothered xD Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I'm not surprised that a lot of you are disturbed by the thought of someone perceiving you as sexy. If someone makes it known to me that they find me attractive, I'm mostly indifferent, but on occasion it goes more along the lines of, but why? Also this: ...I kind of get paranoid when people say they're interested in me. I look for ulterior motives. There probably aren't any, but that's why it's called irrational paranoia. I suppose it sort of confirms to me that, as a poor excuse for a human, I'm doing something right, I guess, even if it's not at all conscious on my part. Meh, mostly indifference, followed by the tendency to want to eat ice cream. Link to post Share on other sites
Otohime Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I used to get horribly offended at even the idea that I could be perceived as sexually attractive, because like how dare someone think those things about MY body. It's not anyone else's right to think those things. And I've been friends with a lot of straight guys, so I know what many of them say about girls. "Sexy" is objectifying. It could mean appealing as a whole or it could be about a certain body part. But the word sexy is a hair line away from thinking about what someone would want to "do" with that body. It's horrifying because at that point, it's just a body, like the person inside has faded away.Over the years, I've gotten less obsessive about it, mostly because I've accepted that I cannot control other people's thoughts. If I'm perceived as sexually attractive, then okay, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about it. I'll call a person out if I think what they said was inappropriate. If someone just says I'm "sexy," I'd probably just tell them that's not my preferred compliment, but I've had a guy who told me I had the most perfect butt, and I straight-out told him that was not appropriate or nice (that "compliment" wasn't from a guy I even knew very well, so I felt horribly objectified and self-conscious for weeks about walking in front of men). I like being called cute, because it's usually referencing my charisma. Being called beautiful can be nice, because it's referencing my aesthetics. Cute is better though. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggy_G Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 No joke a few days after a friend told another (male) friend of mine that I was asexual, he semi-randomly yelled out "how the hell can you be asexual! You're so damn sexy!" I didn't really know how to react, partly cos i dont think I knew he knew I was asexual at this point. But in retrospect it was pretty hilarious just how stupid the comment was. Personally I embrace the sexy thing, I know I can't get away from it so I may as well use it to my advantage. I view it more as a social status thing though maybe I'm just competitive. Hotness can be used as a kinda superpower though and that's fun. I'm kinda a smug person so randoms calling me sexy just amuses me. The fact is I know I am sexy. I know it because I'm told all the time, by girls, guys, friends, strangers I feel like when people say it I should just be like "yeh? So?Do you think your telling me something new?" but that would be incredibly vain and bitchy sounding. So I shan't say that. Link to post Share on other sites
allrightalready Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 it bothers me even more when they refuse to take no for an answer Link to post Share on other sites
Raine14 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Before I knew I was asexual, I used to equate aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction (how was I supposed to know any better???), so whenever someone commented on how sexy I was or did the dilated-pupil staring thing or flirted with me, I took it as a good thing. They thought I was cute, beautiful, etc. I had no problem with that. Then I entered my grad program and I began to realize that the world was a whole lot more sexual than I had initially thought. Once a professor asked the women in the class: "Don't you all want to be sexually objectified every once in awhile?" And while all the other women in the class starting tittering, I'm sitting there thinking: No. Absolutely not. Sexually objectified? That's demeaning! The only value in such a thing is that it makes it so much easier to manipulate the men around me! Yeah...I knew better than to say that out loud. Anyways, as I've learned more about asexuality and what sexual attraction means to allosexuals, I have become less and less accepting of it. To the point now where I no longer find it flattering, but annoying at best and triggering a fight-or-flight response at worst (unfortunately for the guys involved, I'm more of a fighter than I am a fleer). Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I'm not surprised that a lot of you are disturbed by the thought of someone perceiving you as sexy. If someone makes it known to me that they find me attractive, I'm mostly indifferent, but on occasion it goes more along the lines of, but why? Also this: ...I kind of get paranoid when people say they're interested in me. I look for ulterior motives. There probably aren't any, but that's why it's called irrational paranoia. I suppose it sort of confirms to me that, as a poor excuse for a human, I'm doing something right, I guess, even if it's not at all conscious on my part. Meh, mostly indifference, followed by the tendency to want to eat ice cream. I'll take ice scream and one of the "not interested in being sexy today" shirts please. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyNobody Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Most of the time I tend to be pretty much indifferent to people finding me sexy, until they start to hit on me and I have to awkwardly let them know that I'm not interested. The other 5% of the time, it's a bit of an ego thing, as well as proof to myself and others that I'm only single because I want to be. I spent a couple of years wondering if I was just unattractive or broken and that's why I didn't have a boyfriend yet (turned out that I was not only oblivious to flirting, but I was very good at distancing myself the moment I subconsciously detected interest because it just made me uncomfortable), so sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there's nothing wrong with me or my ability to interest people. I just choose not to try for the most part. And before you go "that sounds bad" because I'm playing on people's emotions, it's not like I even actively try to attract people (i.e. flirt) when I'm in that mood - I just put on makeup and wear something besides jeans and an old button-up shirt for once. That tends to do the trick. Link to post Share on other sites
Queeries Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I actually like it when people are sexually attracted to me. It makes me feel like I matter to someone, even if it's in a way that I don't understand. I love the feeling of being wanted, of knowing that someone else is thinking about me and fantasizing about me. Sometimes I do actually feel like this too... But rarely and I usually plan for it accordingly, like wearing a nicer outfit or whatever. But on some days I get really worried that I'll attract attention and actively try and avoid that possibility haha. Quite off topic but "Not Interested In Being Sexy Today" would be an awesome shirt.. Personally I'd get 3.. haha there's been another comment ordering one too so I guess we're obligated to make this a thing now! Link to post Share on other sites
Zash Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I know personally, the biggest demotivator for me working out is people saying how good I look now that I lost 30 lbs. I never mention the fact that I am working out and everyone keeps telling me how much better I look. Dammit people, I am not doing this to look sexy. I am doing it so I don't have a heart attack and die later on in life. If I wanted the attention for working out, I would say something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I have this problem every time I try to date men. (No offense to AVEN men... this is just the experience I've had.) I have dated men who apparently can only talk about my physical appearance. It really creeps me out. My family tells me things like "aww he likes you" or "he is just nervous and doesn't know what else to say" or "don't you like being called pretty". NO. I DON'T. IT'S CREEPY. IT DISGUSTS ME. I'm only like 25% okay with being considered female so I really am repulsed by anyone who only sees me as a sexual object. By the way --- and this is an honest question, because I don't know -- how do men/males feel about being called sexy? Do you even get that in public? Every single day I have men cat calling me. Do men get cat called?? Link to post Share on other sites
Zash Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I have this problem every time I try to date men. (No offense to AVEN men... this is just the experience I've had.) I have dated men who apparently can only talk about my physical appearance. It really creeps me out. My family tells me things like "aww he likes you" or "he is just nervous and doesn't know what else to say" or "don't you like being called pretty". NO. I DON'T. IT'S CREEPY. IT DISGUSTS ME. I'm only like 25% okay with being considered female so I really am repulsed by anyone who only sees me as a sexual object. By the way --- and this is an honest question, because I don't know -- how do men/males feel about being called sexy? Do you even get that in public? Every single day I have men cat calling me. Do men get cat called?? I have had some girls yell "Hey sexy!" or something from a car while I was walking along the sidewalk. Not sure if they were serious about it, or just harassing me or something (I was a nerd in highschool when this happened), but it was a bit disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 To be perfectly honest, even though I know it's irrational, it flat-out horrifies me. I don't like the idea of anyone finding me sexy and it creeps me out to know that people assume I'm sexually active/want sex/like sex... even though I guess I'm more like grey-a and actually have been okay with certain sexual stuff at times. Like I say, I'm aware it's irrational and I know I have some issues, but still. I'm even repulsed by the idea that people like medical professionals think I'm having sex. They probably think it's weirder that I'm not having sex, especially since I'm married. I've had a doctor not believe me and kind of smirk at me when I said I wasn't sexually active. I guess, given that I don't really view sex in too positive of a light, it's understandable why I wouldn't want people to think I'm doing something I generally find unpleasant. I don't want people to think I eat my own boogers or abuse my pets, either. This, so much. I've had to swallow my huffy gut reaction of "do I look to you like someone who has sex!?!" more than once in my life. I was pretty pissed off when my health insurance once dared to ask me whether I had kids! :evil: I honestly admit I've been antisexual for most of my teens and twenties, though, and only reached a position of "live and let live, as long as you don't drag me into it" around the age of 30. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I have this problem every time I try to date men. (No offense to AVEN men... this is just the experience I've had.) I have dated men who apparently can only talk about my physical appearance. It really creeps me out. My family tells me things like "aww he likes you" or "he is just nervous and doesn't know what else to say" or "don't you like being called pretty". NO. I DON'T. IT'S CREEPY. IT DISGUSTS ME. I'm only like 25% okay with being considered female so I really am repulsed by anyone who only sees me as a sexual object. By the way --- and this is an honest question, because I don't know -- how do men/males feel about being called sexy? Do you even get that in public? Every single day I have men cat calling me. Do men get cat called?? I have never been catcalled in my life, and long may that continue.Likewise I have never had anybody of any gender/orientation suggest that they find me sexually attractive. I can only think that I must radiate asexuality somewhere, and other people can read this Link to post Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I've always had an issue with that, even before I knew I was ace. Back in middle school, I remember everyone went through this phase where the "in" thing was to hit on every member of the opposite sex. Guys would come up to me and say something like "Hey, sexy!" and I would give them this death glare and tell them to back off, which of course only made them do it more. The idea of being thought of as sexy just weirds me out. Link to post Share on other sites
Platitude Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I'm honestly fine with it. As a fashion nut, I guess that a lot of my interests revolve around making someone look as attractive or "sexy" as possible, so if somebody tells me I'm attractive, I like to attribute at least part of that attractiveness to my outfit. I have no qualms with people calling me attractive, as long as they understand I'm not going to be having sex with them unless the very fabric of the universe changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Doesn't happen a lot, but if it does, it's more that i don't get it and it annoys me because of that. Like, no. I am not sexy. Leave. Link to post Share on other sites
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