How do/did you know?

[Qloshae]

I've been reading these topics on an off for a year and I still can't figure out if I am asexual or just sexual.
It seems like a very blurry line to me because I don't understand how one would know that what one feel is abnormal. I mean, we tend to merge what we hear into our own context rather than taking them as they are.

To me, I have always found it strange how much people talk about sex. Granted, I like the idea of sex, but I just feel like having it. To me, sex is more about intimacy - the closest one can physically come to the other person rather than a need for sex by itself. When I am attracted to someone, I am attracted to how they personality and I know that sound cliché, but once I feel like someone is rude or such I just stop feeling any attraction to them at all outside of maybe some random fantasy.

On one side tho, I pretty much always win those "can you look at these pictures for X seconds without looking at their boobs" challenges. :P

I am really big on hugging, I used to feel like hugs were more intimate than kisses because of how much more personal it was. Then a girl hugged me after we hadn't seen each other for a couple of years and I realized I liked it, so now I prefer to hug people if I can.

This all said tho, I do get aroused, but it mostly requires physical contact and it's usually more of a detached need even if a specific person might have triggered it.

Kinda like how you might go through a mall and smell coffee from a café you pass by and then remember that you need to go buy some at the grocery store. Except that the feeling usually gets worse the longer it is neglected. That is, until I masturbate, then it disappears. Which is why porn for me is a bit of a catch-22 as I might feel barely aroused at first, but feel like I need to take care of it and then when I watch porn it gets even worse until it gets better.

To me tho, if an attractive woman just took off her clothes and asked for sex, I'd be creeped out and bail even tho I would get aroused.

Before I get especially aroused tho I tend to just really want to cuddle with the person.

To me, the issue is understanding what is a normal for asexuals vs what is normal for sexuals.

[yomo]

Well, to try and simplify things a bit, if you're sexual you want to have sex with specific people because you're sexually attracted to them. You can just look at them and say "yeah I'd like to have sex with you" and that happens quite often. If you're asexual, you don't look at specific people like that but you can enjoy sexual images and masturbation if you have an active libido that wants to be satisfied.

Arousal is also separate from sexual attraction. Your body may get aroused at a naked person even if your mind doesn't, it's just how a lot of people's bodies are wired. A lot of asexuals have a libido, and it can act up even without much stimulation.

So if an asexual and a sexual walked past the same woman, the asexual might think she's pretty and want to do romantic things like cuddle, but not even think about sex in the slightest (or if they do for some reason it could sound uncomfortable), and the sexual might think all that and how they would like to also have sex with her and how great it would be.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if you're sexual, you often want to have sex with specific people (based on looks, personality, etc.), and if you're asexual you can want to have sex in general, but don't necessarily want to have sex with specific people (however if you have a significant other, it makes sense that you would want to have sex with them because you are a couple, and that doesn't have to involve sexual attraction).

I hope that makes sense. ;u;

[SkyWorld]

That's very tricky... because (1) some asexuals actually enjoy sex, they just don't feel sexual attraction to anyone, (2) some asexuals masturbate, some don't. For them, it's just their body functioning... I wouldn't know too much about this on a personal level honestly, considering that I don't have a libido. That's just what I've seen and heard very frequently. However, some asexuals (and I want to say most) do indeed have a libido.

Now, how do/did I know? Well, honestly at first I was denying it because I always thought that everyone was like myself and that everyone was just pretending to be sexual so they can be "cool" and "fit in". So it was quite a shock for me that I was actually in a very very small minority and basically my whole life was a lie. I know that I am asexual because... well it's simple really... I've yet to experience any sexual attraction. Yes, there are other things that may fall into my identity, but I'm not going to say it because not all asexuals are like said other things and whether or not they can relate to me doesn't make them anymore or less than asexual (unless they're grey-a of course).

[Kalidas]

Well, to try and simplify things a bit, if you're sexual you want to have sex with specific people because you're sexually attracted to them. You can just look at them and say "yeah I'd like to have sex with you" and that happens quite often. If you're asexual, you don't look at specific people like that but you can enjoy sexual images and masturbation if you have an active libido that wants to be satisfied.

Arousal is also separate from sexual attraction. Your body may get aroused at a naked person even if your mind doesn't, it's just how a lot of people's bodies are wired. A lot of asexuals have a libido, and it can act up even without much stimulation.

So if an asexual and a sexual walked past the same woman, the asexual might think she's pretty and want to do romantic things like cuddle, but not even think about sex in the slightest (or if they do for some reason it could sound uncomfortable), and the sexual might think all that and how they would like to also have sex with her and how great it would be.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if you're sexual, you often want to have sex with specific people (based on looks, personality, etc.), and if you're asexual you can want to have sex in general, but don't necessarily want to have sex with specific people (however if you have a significant other, it makes sense that you would want to have sex with them because you are a couple, and that doesn't have to involve sexual attraction).

I hope that makes sense. ;u;

And even then its a spectrum and is rarely that simple for everyone(sexuality is sucha complicated subject). There is grey asexuality where sexual attraction is fluid and can be there some times but most times its not. Demisexual where a deep emotional bond is required to even think of wanting to have sex with someone and even THEN its not guaranteed. Like I personally feel I land inbetween grey and demi. I must have that love and bond and even then I really only have a desire to be sexual with that person (and may not even be sexualy attracted to them) under very specific and rare circumstances.

[Member54880]

Welcome! Sexuality is a spectrum, and within asexuality itself, there is still a lot of variation in libido, desire for sensual contact, and attitudes towards sex, so it's possible to like the idea of sex, but have no desire for it. The line between being asexual or sexual isn't always clear, and there also exists a gray area on the spectrum. You can find more information about it in the "The Gray Area" board:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/72-the-gray-area-sex-and-related-discussions/
FAQ thread: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/74042-grey-a-and-demisexual-faq-and-link-thread/

Some realize they're asexual when they notice that they don't share the same interest in sex that nearly everyone else does, and for some, the realization comes after realizing that everyone else actually desires sex, while they previously thought others were faking their interest in it.

[fish of hearts]

I knew I was asexual when I read blog posts from other highly sensual, romantic asexuals who talked about pursuing sex with people they loved and waiting for that feeling that never came, and about the physical touch escalator. (I really need to put that link in my signature; I reference it so often.) The latter one in particular allowed me to understand and differentiate my desire for physical closeness from the desire for actual sex that other people seem to have, and which I didn't possess and couldn't seem to attain, no matter how hard I tried.

As far as labeling yourself, see the quote in my signature. ^_^ Welcome to AVEN!

[Star Bit]

Sexual attraction: someone's presence is sexually arousing and you have a desire/impulse to do sexual things to/with that person. Alone they do not make it. What is sexual strictly involves genital arousal in any direct or indirect way. Your body may find things sexual/react with arousal, but actions should not be called sexual unless you want them done for the arousal.

[Lost247365]

It took a while to figure out. I kept on thinking how can I know what something I never experienced feels like?

In the end, I decided to be rather minimalist about it. I have never see anyone who made me feel or want sex. I have never desired to have sex. So based on that I just took the plunge and started calling myself asexual. It has only felt more and more right since the moment I did it.

If you believe you are an ace, why not just start using it and if it feels wrong you can change later. You always have the right to change your identity whenever you feel like it.

[IAmNoBird]

I kind of had an "exception that proves the rule" experience... basically, I've experienced what I know for sure is sexual attraction once, just because it's so similar to what others had been describing, and realized that I didn't feel that on a regular basis like I was "supposed to". That was a few years ago and I've only been identifying on the ace spectrum for a couple months, but it still colored the way I saw attraction for a while.

I'd basically say to myself, "I don't feel that, therefore I must not *really* want to date this guy." I kept waiting and waiting to feel that again - with strangers, with classmates, with celebrities, etc - but I never did. And here we are.

[Qloshae]

Wow, ok. Well this is very complicated.

It kinda reminds me of when I was younger and my best friend and I would mutually masturbate and neither of us really saw it any different from doing it ourselves. Then a third friend was a few times over, but mutual masturbation with a guy just creeped him out and I had no idea why. We also tried gay sex me and my best friend, but it wasn't comfortable so we decided to stop before we even really started.

Don't really know if I'd say I feel an itch tho when I see someone attractive. I mean, that's how I heard sexual attraction explained at least.

I've always kinda felt like people are obnoxious about sex, I mean, it's not like there's much to it. Just fluids around your genitalia. Then again, I haven't really had sex so I don't know if it is so nice that I'd want it more once I have had sex once.

I mean, I had group work with 3 girls, one of them at least attractive and I don't think I ever felt an urge for sex with her. Then again, she was annoying so.

Thinking about it, not even when I was totally in love did it center around sex with the person. Usually more about cuddling or just being physically close in general.

My itch is to physically close to people I find attractive. Like, I once found a girl I had a group work really attractive so I gave her a hug.

Probably only felt it once and that was with a girl who consistently approached me. Tho I guess it was more because that was what I thought she wanted from me and it aroused me strongly that someone would be attracted to me.

[Guest]

I always knew i was different because i never felt the desire to have sex or felt any sexual attraction to someone, I was a single for years untill i finally found myself a bf just because i felt i needed to keep up with the others in my enviroment who had more bfs then i could count on my ten fingers while i have had none and i just went for it when i finally got an offer.

But the problem was that i just couldnt bring myself to have sex with him it just annoyed me when he touched me and kissing with him didnt bring me in the mood and i guess he couldnt live with that so i ended our relationship afer a few months and i was glad i did it! I kinda celebrated my freedom because now i finally had the time i needed for myself and my family and have never thought about dating again, I only saw him 2 or 3 times in these few months anyway.

I never really wanted a relationship and still dont really feel the need to have one at the moment because i rather focus on other things like my family, traveling or my hobby's

The fact that im still a virgin after all these years doesnt bother me one bit its good for those who desire losing theyre virginity but i rather want to keep it for as long as its possible so i sit here and dream about meeting that one asexual guy with little to no libido, im pretty sure we will have an awesome life together: no pressure, just tons of fun and cake but like i said before: Its not the no 1 priority on my to do list.

[Qloshae]

I've always felt different, but my parents have made me assume it is me trying to be different rather than me actually being different.

I have a few female models on my friendslist on facebook and when I look at them, it might trigger my libido, but it's not really connected to them.
Like with the bellow picture (NSFW) my reaction is more like "hm, she looks nice", not "I want to hit that". As I look on her now, I don't even react physically.

NSFW

Granted, people I meet in real life is a bit different tho, but more just that my libido is easier to trigger which I guess is like smelling coffee and realizing you want coffee, not that you'd want that specific coffee right now. I'd still rather just hug them which is why I like women who are a bit fluffy, but not too fluffy. I want them like I want my pillow. :P

[PurplePr1nc3ss]

Op may be demisexual. It's still part of the asexual spectrum. Personally I've always known kinda. I've found people attractive all my life but I never was interested in sex. I identify as a panromantic asexual meaning that I am romantically attracted to a person regardless of gender or lack thereof. Before finding the meaning of asexuality I always said that I wouldn't mind being a cat lady for the rest of my life. So having sex hasn't been on my list of things to do since before I learned what sex was

[Qloshae]

I think this reddit answered a lot of my questions: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2sm3y3/girls_women_ladies_what_does_sexual_attraction/
They had some very detailed descriptions that I just felt were completely alien to me.

[fish of hearts]

I think this reddit answered a lot of my questions: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2sm3y3/girls_women_ladies_what_does_sexual_attraction/

They had some very detailed descriptions that I just felt were completely alien to me.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm reading through it now.

I about fell out of my chair laughing at this one:

It also seems like there's a lot of romantic feelings intermingled with their understanding of sexual desire in other comments, but I doubt many of them feel the need to separate the two as we do in the ace community.

[Qloshae]

I think this reddit answered a lot of my questions: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2sm3y3/girls_women_ladies_what_does_sexual_attraction/

They had some very detailed descriptions that I just felt were completely alien to me.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm reading through it now.

I about fell out of my chair laughing at this one:

It also seems like there's a lot of romantic feelings intermingled with their understanding of sexual desire in other comments, but I doubt many of them feel the need to separate the two as we do in the ace community.

Yes, but that might also be because the sexual is usually described as romantic in pop-culture. It's like you say, it is we who actually need to separate them.

To be fair tho, it is hard to differentiate what is sexual and what is sensual if you haven't really had the need to do so and most don't.

It's just strange when you realized that people weren't just being extremely obnoxious but that you just don't feel what they do.

I mean, I will soon be 23, mostly I just thought guys were over-sexualizing women.

Granted, I have a strong libido and do masturbate so I didn't see much difference to what every other guy my age was doing. Just that mine is aimed on fantasies rather than people.

Come to think of it, I have never described a person as 'hot'. Aesthetically attractive yes, but not really 'hot'.

Can't at least remember any time where I've passed someone attractive and been like "dayum, I want to hit that" even if they catch my interest.

I just want to hug, kiss and roll around with someone. >_< XD

[fish of hearts]

Come to think of it, I have never described a person as 'hot'. Aesthetically attractive yes, but not really 'hot'.

Can't at least remember any time where I've passed someone attractive and been like "dayum, I want to hit that" even if they catch my interest.

I just want to hug, kiss and roll around with someone. >_< XD

I feel the very same way! "Sexy" was always such a weird adjective to me, and I never felt right using it on someone else. I can find others cute, handsome, or beautiful, I can want to talk with them, hold their hand, kiss them, nuzzle them, cuddle them, etc. . . . but the idea that I should find them explicitly "sexy" to properly be in love with them has always seemed disingenuous to me.

Someone says, "I'd tap that," and I'm like, "What? On the shoulder?"

[Qloshae]

Come to think of it, I have never described a person as 'hot'. Aesthetically attractive yes, but not really 'hot'.

Can't at least remember any time where I've passed someone attractive and been like "dayum, I want to hit that" even if they catch my interest.

I just want to hug, kiss and roll around with someone. >_< XD

I feel the very same way! "Sexy" was always such a weird adjective to me, and I never felt right using it on someone else. I can find others cute, handsome, or beautiful, I can want to talk with them, hold their hand, kiss them, nuzzle them, cuddle them, etc. . . . but the idea that I should find them explicitly "sexy" to properly be in love with them has always seemed disingenuous to me.

Someone says, "I'd tap that," and I'm like, "What? On the shoulder?"

I know exactly what you mean. 'Hot' or 'sexy' to me just never really come to my mind when I would describe someone, it just feels really weird and shallow to me. But maybe that's because I don't really *feel* those words so they are merely words.

[Autumn Season]

It's great that you got so many answers. :) I'm sure this thread is interesting for many other people as well.

On one side tho, I pretty much always win those "can you look at these pictures for X seconds without looking at their boobs" challenges. :P

xD Never heard of such a challenge before.

My itch is to physically close to people I find attractive. Like, I once found a girl I had a group work really attractive so I gave her a hug.

Probably only felt it once and that was with a girl who consistently approached me. Tho I guess it was more because that was what I thought she wanted from me and it aroused me strongly that someone would be attracted to me.

This made me think that you might be demisexual. Only after spending lots of time together and feeling some kind of emotion coming from the other party, you had an urge to touch her.

Then again hugging in itself is just a sensual act and only when in combination with sexual desire does it become sexual.

And in any case, you are the one who knows yourself best and only you can say what your orientation is.

BTW don't listen to your parents in this case (or at least not too much). After all they don't know what you want, only you do.

... Might as well share my story:

I always knew that I didn't want sex, because I didn't. Just like, before even ever trying it, I knew that I didn't want to work out in a fitness center, but I definitely wanted to take dancing classes. Because "wanting something" is like longing for something. I might have never tried it, but I WANT to. In fact the craving often doesn't stop after the activity itself happened to not be enjoyable. I want to give it another try. Just once more. It might get better with time... If I do something that I don't want, and then just happen to enjoy the activity in itself though, it doesn't mean that I will want to do it again. I enjoy studying. But I never want to start. Weird thing, huh. But it's a feeling, it doesn't have to make sense. Just don't disregard it. Listen to yourself. Get to know yourself. Respect your desires and boundaries. :) If you won't, who will? (Wow, I sure am rambling...)

So I thought, I don't want sex right now. But at the same time I believed that everyone felt just like me. Nobody really ever talked about it, as it is kind of a social taboo. Then again, if I was sexual, I probably would have noticed all of the sexual innuendos flying around in conversations. This belief started to change, when I talked to my former dating partner about sex. This is where I noticed that 1) wanting sex without ever trying it is real, 2) getting aroused by being close to another person is real, 3) actively pursuing sexual contact even when faced with obstacles is real (and 4) having a demanding libido is real. Since I don't have one, it was an eye-opener for me.). After understanding what he felt, I realized that the majority of the people around me are the same and that I am the weird one.

I talked to my friends about it, they suggested I was a lesbian. (Why?) But I knew I wasn't. Around this time I first heard the word "asexual". I researched it, read other people's experiences and thought: That's exactly it. This is where I fit in. Hallelujah! This revelation didn't change very much about my life. But I understood that before I was trying to date I was happy and after it was over I was happy. And all the time in between I treated myself badly, made myself do things which felt wrong, tried to force emotions which weren't there. I'm so glad I found out about asexuality (and AVEN) so soon. Otherwise I might have spent a long time thinking there was "something wrong", without being able to put a finger on it. :)

[Tarfeather]

To me, I have always found it strange how much people talk about sex.

I would also find that strange, but fortunately I don't surround myself with people who do that.

To me, sex is more about intimacy - the closest one can physically come to the other person rather than a need for sex by itself. When I am attracted to someone, I am attracted to how they personality and I know that sound cliché, but once I feel like someone is rude or such I just stop feeling any attraction to them at all outside of maybe some random fantasy.

That is not unheard of in sexuals.

I am really big on hugging, I used to feel like hugs were more intimate than kisses because of how much more personal it was. Then a girl hugged me after we hadn't seen each other for a couple of years and I realized I liked it, so now I prefer to hug people if I can.

Yes, I also prefer hugs.

This all said tho, I do get aroused, but it mostly requires physical contact and it's usually more of a detached need even if a specific person might have triggered it.

Kinda like how you might go through a mall and smell coffee from a café you pass by and then remember that you need to go buy some at the grocery store. Except that the feeling usually gets worse the longer it is neglected. That is, until I masturbate, then it disappears. Which is why porn for me is a bit of a catch-22 as I might feel barely aroused at first, but feel like I need to take care of it and then when I watch porn it gets even worse until it gets better.

Pretty much same here when I'm not "in love".

To me tho, if an attractive woman just took off her clothes and asked for sex, I'd be creeped out and bail even tho I would get aroused.

Same.

Before I get especially aroused tho I tend to just really want to cuddle with the person.

And same.

To me, the issue is understanding what is a normal for asexuals vs what is normal for sexuals.

You're not normal either way, but that is a given. You're a unique person who is different from everyone else.

Anyway, the things you said aren't so fundamentally different from how I see things, and I self-identify as normally sexual person. What you seem to be lacking is that "falling in love with someone and requiring intimacy with that person specifically" thing, so maybe that's more related to romantic orientation?

[Qloshae]

So, it is like this?

Sexual attraction - The magnetic pull to commit a sexual* act with the subject of the attraction.

Sexual desire - The desire to engage in a sexual* act.

Libido - A person's overall sexual drive or desire for sexual* activity.

* - an act involving genitalia.

Is sexual attraction why some guys get a boner when around some people?

[NudistOnStrike]

I have always felt kinda odd about my sexuality and could never find a category that I felt was a proper fit. But, the second i read about aces I was like "Yes that's me" asexuality just felt right, i immediately knew it was me.