PeachQueen Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 So I'm new to learning about the ace spectrum, and I finally found an amazing piece that explains what sexual attraction is and how it is different from sexual desire and sensual attraction (https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2013/12/13/differentiating-sexual-attraction-and-sexual-desire/) and I realized I am asexual but I still have sexual desire relatively regularly. Is there a term I can use to express this? I don't want to have to explain that i have sexual desire/libido to people because it's uncomfortable and explaining the difference between attraction and desire is complicated, but just telling people i'm asexual could lead potential partners to be deterred because they want sex to be a part of the relationship and they think i won't want that. I also wouldn't want asexuals with no sexual desire to think we are compatible and end up unsatisfied or disappointed in the relationship. Having a good term would help a lot! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 If you want sex to be a part of a relationship, then personally, I really don't think there's much of anything that you need to tell any potential partners. Honestly, if you feel sensual and romantic attraction, AND sexual desire, to most people that's not any different from being a sexual individual. You'll probably just needlessly confuse them. Well yes and no. I'll explain why thats not always a good idea. I for one am married and love my wife. But there have been problems in the past, due to my lack of sexual attraction to her. I mean I had sexual desire I still have a labido and generally like the feelings that come with feeding said desire ( I like using food as an example). Sometimes I get hungry and so I go for a "snack", I don't have a particular craving but eating still feels good. So for someone like me who a couple weeks ago did not know what asexuality even was I thought the problem was our marriage. I, like many sexual people confused lust for love. I did not enjoy sex with my wife any more than I did enjoy masturabation (biologically speaking they achieve the same goal). Thus I must not love my wife I would think. This made me depressed and lead to all kinds of terrible behaviors and thoughts. But coming to terms with my sexuality has had this pretty positive effect on our relationship. I now no longer confuse sexual attraction for love. I love her for a good many reasons, I just don't particularly want to have sex with her. I really don't want to have sex with anybody. BUT I do have a labido and do feel sexual arousal ( think of this as being hungry). I feel no particular craving for any special dish (chinese, mexican, thai food, American etc etc etc) but I still need to eat. Now I can go to the restroom lock the door and "eat a snack" alone in a dark stinky room, and achieve the needed release from the desire. OR I can go to my wife whom I love dearly and have a nice candle lit dinner. The food won't be special hell it tastes fairly bland to me(but all food is bland), but it's pretty damn delicious to her. Plus I get the added benefit of all the "non eating" that will come with the nice dinner. I'm a romantic I like romance, and sex can be romantic. For me personally sex is no different than masturbation would be. But for her it is special, so you know what if I gotta feed the hunger either way why not feed her at the same time? So I see no reason why she should have to lie to people and not say how she feels, it's important to be honest with yourself and others. Trust me they will notice, my wife noticed my lack of interest in sex. They see it in your eyes you just don't have that passionate spark they have, because simply we don't feel that connection they do, that sexual attraction that's supposed to make sex feel like a million fireworks going off, and instead it just kind of feels like a damp firecracker to us. They know, you can't hide it don't try. I would say be honest, but only once you have made that romantic connection to someone. Maybe even find a boyfriend/girlfriend(or anything inbetween, or not at all) and when you feel comfortable explain it to them. The best word I can say is you would be a "sexualy active asexual"... what a conundrum that is hahaha. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I personally think that being sexual is a combination of sexual attraction and sexual desire, as both need to be present in the same time to act and fully enjoy the moment. If only one of the 2 components is there, I think it may qualify as some kind of grey-asexual, but it's just my opinion. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Rape victims have reported feeling sexual arousal and even achieving orgasm during the horrendous act of their assault I personally think that being sexual is a combination of sexual attraction and sexual desire, as both need to be present in the same time to act and fully enjoy the moment. If only one of the 2 components is there, I think it may qualify as some kind of grey-asexual, but it's just my opinion. I can respect that. I'm still not entirely sure where on the spectrum I fit. But in the end just because someone wants to fulfill their biological desire along with a person they truly love I personally don't think discredits their asexuality. Hell Her (the OP) and I may be demi or grey sexual only able to feel said attraction in very specific moments. Honestly I don't know sexuality is very confusing, and trying to gauge what you are based on a feeling that you don't feel (or have no idea if you feel it) is difficult. It's like how do you know you have seen the color red if no one has told you what the color red is? but I'm not sure if attraction is needed for action or even enjoyment. Example: possible trigger warning Rap victims have reported sexual arousal and even an ability to achieve orgasm during the horrendous assault , but obviously no attraction was there. The body is going to do what the body is going to do. I think one can feel the pleasure of their body reacting to the stimuli without actually enjoying the act itself. Kinda like being tickled. Being tickled feels fun but you may not like being tickled. Or I could be SUPER wrong and just be talking out of my behind... that is totally an option lol. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I think that it's important to separate arousal from sexual desire, and even from sex drive, because if not, as you said, it would be extremely disturbing to say the least (your example in spoiler) ... My personal view of things : - sex drive : "it's tickling me down there, I need to take care of it" - sexual desire : "I want to have sex with someone" - sexual attraction : "you're so hot, you turn me on" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kalidas Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I think that it's important to separate arousal from sexual desire, and even from sex drive, because if not, as you said, it would be extremely disturbing to say the least (your example in spoiler) ... My personal view of things : - sex drive : "it's tickling me down there, I need to take care of it" - sexual desire : "I want to have sex with someone" - sexual attraction : "you're so hot, you turn me on" I can agree to these things actually. I mean obviously the situation I spoke of said person is neither in a position of desire nor attraction, but that arousal does happen. Because your body gonna do what your body gonna do. sex drive/ arousal is what happens to your body. desire and attraction is in your brain. I'm not going to derail this thread by inputting anymore of my personal experiences in here but I may send you a message if I have any questions. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PeachQueen Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 If you want sex to be a part of a relationship, then personally, I really don't think there's much of anything that you need to tell any potential partners. Honestly, if you feel sensual and romantic attraction, AND sexual desire, to most people that's not any different from being a sexual individual. You'll probably just needlessly confuse them. Well yes and no. I'll explain why thats not always a good idea. I for one am married and love my wife. But there have been problems in the past, due to my lack of sexual attraction to her. I mean I had sexual desire I still have a labido and generally like the feelings that come with feeding said desire ( I like using food as an example). Sometimes I get hungry and so I go for a "snack", I don't have a particular craving but eating still feels good. So for someone like me who a couple weeks ago did not know what asexuality even was I thought the problem was our marriage. I, like many sexual people confused lust for love. I did not enjoy sex with my wife any more than I did enjoy masturabation (biologically speaking they achieve the same goal). Thus I must not love my wife I would think. This made me depressed and lead to all kinds of terrible behaviors and thoughts. But coming to terms with my sexuality has had this pretty positive effect on our relationship. I now no longer confuse sexual attraction for love. I love her for a good many reasons, I just don't particularly want to have sex with her. I really don't want to have sex with anybody. BUT I do have a labido and do feel sexual arousal ( think of this as being hungry). I feel no particular craving for any special dish (chinese, mexican, thai food, American etc etc etc) but I still need to eat. Now I can go to the restroom lock the door and "eat a snack" alone in a dark stinky room, and achieve the needed release from the desire. OR I can go to my wife whom I love dearly and have a nice candle lit dinner. The food won't be special hell it tastes fairly bland to me(but all food is bland), but it's pretty damn delicious to her. Plus I get the added benefit of all the "non eating" that will come with the nice dinner. I'm a romantic I like romance, and sex can be romantic. For me personally sex is no different than masturbation would be. But for her it is special, so you know what if I gotta feed the hunger either way why not feed her at the same time? So I see no reason why she should have to lie to people and not say how she feels, it's important to be honest with yourself and others. Trust me they will notice, my wife noticed my lack of interest in sex. They see it in your eyes you just don't have that passionate spark they have, because simply we don't feel that connection they do, that sexual attraction that's supposed to make sex feel like a million fireworks going off, and instead it just kind of feels like a damp firecracker to us. They know, you can't hide it don't try. I would say be honest, but only once you have made that romantic connection to someone. Maybe even find a boyfriend/girlfriend(or anything inbetween, or not at all) and when you feel comfortable explain it to them. The best word I can say is you would be a "sexualy active asexual"... what a conundrum that is hahaha. well sex can be like fireworks for me but it's really only been fireworks because of the other person with one person, the other sexual experiences i had were good and kind of bonded me to the person but it didn't seem to be as much about wanting that person as wanting the sensations. I think that's what makes it different from attraction. And i think that makes it important to tell people because in general i don't get sexual attraction to people so i want people to know i'm asexual. For the same reason Kiladas just explained with their relationship with their wife, the person i'm romantically involved with might not be comfortable with the fact that my desire for and enjoyment of the sex is not necessarily because of them even though i love them and it can make me feel bonded to them. Like when i want sexual interaction i choose a specific person who i am very close to and comfortable with and i also need the romantic attraction to still be there, but the desire doesn't really have to do with the other person. So it still feels like asexuality is still me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PeachQueen Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I think that it's important to separate arousal from sexual desire, and even from sex drive, because if not, as you said, it would be extremely disturbing to say the least (your example in spoiler) ... My personal view of things : - sex drive : "it's tickling me down there, I need to take care of it" - sexual desire : "I want to have sex with someone" - sexual attraction : "you're so hot, you turn me on" i think this really shows the fact that attraction is about the specific person or thing that turned you on and that you want to interact with that where desire doesn't have to do with anyone in particular, so thank you! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Howard Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I hope it's not too late to put my two cents in. Since you are looking for a label, I would suggest asexual with sexual behaviors, meaning you don't feel sexual attraction but sometimes act like you do. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Rap victims Having to listen to that sure does feel like an affliction. :( Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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