Gray-A's/demi's - clarification required!

[Farlie64]

First time poster here so bare with me if I break any forum morays haha 😅

I can't work out to do: I'm a romantic sexual. I *think* my husband is a romantic Gray asexual, but may just have a low libido..

He is not interested in kissing with tongue, if he's not in the mood nothing will get him there, he's in the mood about once a month (we're 22, been married for 2 years), will pick computer games over sex every time, when we have sex it's never more than once around the block, he has zero interest in talking about it. Before we got married he always said it would improve when we moved in together (but obviously it hasn't). He's not overweight, he's not depressed...

I've read the FAQ, I know these questions are annoying, I'm sorry! I'm just lost and frustrated. I'd like to work out a way so we're both happy but need to work out what's going on.

[IAmNoBird]

Have you talked to him about it? Does he know asexuality is a thing? Is this something he brought up to you, or did you do some sleuthing and find your way here?

The thing is, we can't really say for your husband what he is or isn't. Aside from the fact that we don't know him beyond the few sentences you've given, it's really something someone must figure out for themselves.

I would absolutely talk to him about asexuality if you haven't already. Maybe even direct him here to AVEN. Asexuality could certainly be a possibility, but that's a question you should pose to him.

[Farlie64]

Have you talked to him about it? Does he know asexuality is a thing? Is this something he brought up to you, or did you do some sleuthing and find your way here?

The thing is, we can't really say for your husband what he is or isn't. Aside from the fact that we don't know him beyond the few sentences you've given, it's really something someone must figure out for themselves.

I would absolutely talk to him about asexuality if you haven't already. Maybe even direct him here to AVEN. Asexuality could certainly be a possibility, but that's a question you should pose to him.

I have attempted to bring up the conversation many times, he's not interested in having it. To him sex is sex, we do it when he's up for it, otherwise he doesn't want to talk about it, and definitely has no interest in splitting hairs about what is what.

Mainly I was just hoping for clarification of whether his behaviour/preferences could potentially be indicitave of a form of asexuality based on people's experiences. I've been trying to work through this (with him and based on my own research) for a number of years now, so I was just hoping for a bit of input or guidance on how to work out what's going on.

Because he's so disinterested in working out where his preferences lay it makes it really hard for me to get a decent conversation out of him about it. Partly because he doesn't want to have the conversation, partly because I know he thinks that he's letting me down on the sex front (I try really hard to dissuade him from that), and partly because I really think that he doesn't think about it, so he really doesn't know what he thinks about it.

[IAmNoBird]

I think at this point you may need to impress upon him how important it is to talk about it. A lack of communication between partners is no good. I've never been married or in a long term relationship in general, so I can't really help you more in that front.

A lot of people may be uncomfortable with the idea of asexuality at first. We're taught that we all experience sexual attraction and desire in very specific ways and asexuality goes against that. He may not think it matters whether he's ace or not, but even exploring the question will help you guys communicate.

Regarding your second paragraph, it's difficult to classify asexuality based on behavior alone. Some aces have sex pretty frequently for various reasons, some don't even have the urge to masturbate. The range of experiences is so varied that the individual has to answer the question of whether they feel sexual attraction or not.

Again, this leads to talking to him about it. Again, I don't have any experience on the marriage front. But if he's worried about disappointing you in how infrequently you have sex, it may be important to talk about regardless.