Badomens Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Hello ! I am Mélissa, a 27 years old french girl (woman?) in search of answers. I think I might have found a few here already. To be honest, I have no idea what I am. Not that I need a label to exist but it's only human to want to belong somewhere, right ? RIGHT ? And after so many years trying to understand sexuality (mine and other people's), I think I found the right place. You tell me. Here is my story. When I was younger, I was intrigued by the idea of sex. Like most people of my generation, I grew up in a society where sex is a huge part of life. And I've always been very curious. Oh yes, sex was intriguing. Up until my 14th year where I got my first boyfriend and sex was not what I expected it to be. It was fast, cold, painful and so very lonely. I was trapped in my own head, in my own skin and so very far away from the boy moving between my thighs. But still, it was sex. So I convinced myself that I liked it (I am VERY good at lying to myself). So I grew up and had sex again. And again. And again. I thought maybe with the right person, it would be different but even a night with my best friend didn't change that. All it did was drive him away. But it was still cold, mecanic, empty. I'd like to say that it was a simple conclusion I reached then. Sex didn't do anything for me so I was asexual. Except I discovered the very notion of asexuality only about a year ago. 13 years of feeling broken or damaged and one year of denial. And now here I am, still unsure of where I belong. Because it's not that straightforward. In 13 years, my perception of sex had more than enough time to evolve and morph into something I don't understand, let alone the people I could date. So tell me what you think. I've never felt physically attarcted to anyone. Ever. I can recognize a pretty face or a handsome body but it never turns into arousal. A body is just a body, no matter how well shaped it is. The very few times I've been attracted to someone, I was attracted by something else. A voice, a name, a personnality trait like loyalty, kindness, fierce intelligence... And when that attraction actually leads somewhere, I behave in a way that most people would define as sexual though my mind is so very far away from sex. It's so complcated to explain. I'm not sexually attracted to the body of the person but I worship their body because it's part of who they are. Does it make sense ? I can spend hours licking every inch of skin just because I have to know what they taste like, I have to know the texture of their skin. And I know that it's commonly seen as a prelude to sex but it doesn't arouse me. So that person then expects things to progress to actual sex and it gets even more complicated. The thing is, I am not repulsed by it. I will never refuse having sex with someone I love/trust/am attracted to but it's not about physical pleasure or gratification. Sex doesn't do much for me physically but it's the most intimate act two humans can partake in and I like the idea of it very much. But I could do without. Sex is not bad but it's always an after-thought and I have yet to meet a man who won't be confused by my eagerness in touching/licking/biting them and my indifference to "real" sex. Then again I'm not sure I am asexual. I do have a libido and some things do arouse me. In theory. So here I am, dazed and confused. How can one be a kinky, sensual asexual with a libido ? A pansexual, panromantic one at that ? Do I even belong here ? I think I'm going to take some aspirin and go to bed to think about it some more. But whatever the answer is, I'm happy to meet you all and to know that such a place exists :) Link to post Share on other sites
SamIsNotLegend Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Well from your story you sound pretty asexual. Just because we're asexual doesn't mean we can't get turned on, and the fact that you tend to worship peoples bodies because of their minds and personalities, not because of a sexual craving, indicates asexuality. And we can have sex! Some asexuals are repulsed, some kind of like it, and some find it to be a chore, sort of like doing laundry. Not very fun but worth it in the end. I hope this helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Verb Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 First off, welcome to AVEN! ^_^ Everyone belongs here, whether asexual or not, don't worry about that :P After reading your story, I can understand how your situation could feel so confusing. However, it's perfectly possibly to be a kinky, sensual asexual with a libido! A lot of asexuals have libidos/sex drives and do enjoy sex. "Asexuality" just means not experiencing sexual attraction, but the actual act of sex itself doesn't change that. :) It sounds to me like you experience Sensual Attraction, and maybe also Aesthetic Attraction. You probably already know these terms, since you used one in your post, but just in case here's a link with more info: AVENwiki - Attraction "Pansexual" and "Asexual" are terms that are a little at odds with one another, at least in my perspective, since they are both modifiers of the -sexual suffix. But at the end of the day, all that really matters if how you see yourself ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I'm about like you and I'm currently still identifying as asexual. Although I do find pleasure in sex (as well as the 'foreplay' part of sex). I continue using the label asexual simply because I don't feel sexual attraction, which I define as directed sexual desire (as opposed to the general, non directed sexual desire that makes me want to engage in sex) Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Hi and welcome to AVEN! We can't tell you what you are, but keep reading around and I know you'll figure it out. There are definitely people here who have similar feelings and experiences too, if that helps. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this amazing community!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Badomens Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you all for the warm welcome. Just trying to write about my situation to explain it to you helped tremendously. It gave me a whole new awareness of where I stand on so many sex-related matters. This place is a god-send and I really look forward to getting to know all of you better :) Link to post Share on other sites
Claeya Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Welcome! I'm sure you'll find your place here ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Grr, i put this into my read latter folder and then never go through it. Anyways, foreplay is done for arousal and although what you desire would happen before sex, if that is not its goal then it is not forplay and it is merely sensual. What is sexual involves arousal in any direct or indirect way, however, just because your body can react with arousal/find things sexual does not make an action sexual unless it's wanted for the arousal. (i.e. having a foot fetish does not make all feet sexual) You may have a non-sexual licking fetish. The word fetish only means fixation but somehow its more perverted meaning got misconstrued to mean it as a whole in popular culture. Perhaps a better word is licking kink. Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I will respond to the thread title ... You are a wonderful human being, that, my dear, is what you are. Link to post Share on other sites
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