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can someone help me please?


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OK so before I start, I've never posted in anything like this before and a lot of what I'm about to type, I've never told anyone so please bear with me, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, I don't know what I'm doing.

So here goes.

I'm 23, female and I don't know who I am or what I am.

All my life I've thought I was just an average straight person. I fancied celebrities, kissed boys at parties etc.

Then I started seeing this guy, Callum, and he was horny as hell.

I was 15 and he pretty much forced me to have sex with him all the time. He was never violent or anything like that, he just made me feel really guilty for saying no all the time, but I was young and a scared and I didn't want him to hate me because he one meant to be one of my best friends at the time. So we had sex a lot and I never once enjoyed anything he done to me, it just felt awkward and uncomfortable but I blamed myself for that. I pretended to enjoy myself whilst wish he would just finish up and leave me alone.

Then Callum got a 'real' girlfriend, she used to post on tumblr about how great sex was and how much she loved dick. Looking back now I realise that she was nothing to be jealous of and I should never have compared myself to her.

The feeling of not being good enough and driving a boy a way because I didn't enjoy sex stayed with me for a long time, I felt like I was being betrayed by my body. So when I started seeing another guy, Henry, I vowed to myself that I would have a great time and lie to myself.

Basically whenever this new guy started to feel me up or made moves like he wanted to have sex, I would get drunk or high. This went on for a while until Henry got a job in another city and we just called it quits.

After that I just decided to stop, I dot think the couple lifestyle is for me. It just doesn't feel right.

I thought I might have been a lesbian for a while and went to a gay bar, but sitting with girls and kissing girls felt weird and I didn't like it.

My bestfriend Katie is a bit of a horn dog so when we go out to clubs, she throws herself at guys and I stand their, getting hit on by their awkward looking friend, sometimes i'll kiss them to shut them up but most of the time I just argue with them and they walk away.

I hate it.

Then last night I watched a documentary on Netflix about Asexuality and they mentioned this website, and I thought why not come on and see what people who have their own stories and life experiences have to say. and after reading some forums it only made me realise this is not black and white.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

do you think it could be bad memories affecting me now or am I asexual?

thank you

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Welcome to AVEN! :D :cake::cake:

I'm sorry to hear you've had bad experiences with sex. Nobody should be made to feel guilty for saying no.

I've never experienced anything quite like what you've mentioned myself, but I know people who have. I hope you find the answers you're looking for ^_^

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As long as no ones presence sexually arouses you and you don't have the desire/impulse to do sexual things to/with that person (what sexual attraction is), you're asexual.

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