If and when should I tell my wife?

[Kalidas]

So in my welcome thread I explained Im married. I am still unsure of what I am per say am grey-a am I demi-a or just plain asexual, but I definitely dont think Im that straight sexualy active man I have always thought I was. I love my wife, sexual activity has been difficult for me. I never got why but now I think I am begining to understand.

So the question is fo I wait till I know more, or do I talk to her now and maybe she can help?

[Star Bit]

As long as your partners presence doesn't arouse you and you don't desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with her (being what makes sexual affection), then you're asexual. (About your previous post, because you don't have sexual attraction it takes you longer to become properly aroused.) You probably need to tell her if it's an existing problem. Just sit her down for a talk. Maybe clarify that Asexual is not Aromantic; since that's a common misconception, and put sexual attraction as basic as you can; as i did in the first sentence.

[Guest]

That said, you should probably have a clear idea of what you want to happen as a result of your talk. If you say "hey I'm asexual", explain it, and leave it there, there's a good chance neither of you will know how to deal with the new information.

[Kalidas]

I think she already knows there is something... different with me. It has always been a joke between us that I am the "woman" in the relationship because I never want sex. I think a conversation would be a good idea. Maybe explain its not her its everyone, I just dont get sexually aroused the same way other people do. Maybe even explain that sex does feel good, its just laboring and taxing for me to engage in it.

[Star Bit]

Women don't undesire sex; never have, it's just that stereotype is from ages ago when women literally weren't allowed to make the first move or request sex. They probably weren't even able to be on top.

[Arf]

You don't have to come out as ace to her if you don't want to, but it would certainly be useful to explain your feelings about sex so you can come to an agreement about how to proceed.

[Sally]

Maybe explain its not her its everyone,

It would be good to tell her that, although if you two are joking about it, she may not feel unwanted.

[Kalidas]

Oh I know that star, her and I are actually very anti social gender norms. She likes cars, I could care less. I like to cook(I'm vegetarian so cooking is helpful) she likes fast food, but in the end these are just stupid gender roles that society want us to belong to. Like as example we are having a boy and both of us agreed he is getting trucks and barbie dolls along with super hero clothes and dresses for dress up.

Yeah there is very little we DON'T joke about. This probably wont be any different. I will try and talk with her and see where it all goes.

[Kalidas]

So we went out to dinner and I had a talk with her. I told her I think I may be asexual(not entirely sure where on the spectrum but with time this will be known to me). Wasn't sure what I expected but her say "yeah I coulda told you that." was not it. She said in the 6 years we have been together sex has always been a difficult issue for us. I let her know its not her its everyone. We are working on compromises and workarounds. But so far she is super supportive if not downright shocked it was a "surprise" to me, since it was old news to her.

[labinnacslove]

So we went out to dinner and I had a talk with her. I told her I think I may be asexual(not entirely sure where on the pectrum but with time this will be known to me). Wasnt syre what I expected but her say "yeah I coulda told you that." was not it. She said in the 6 years we have been together sex has always been a difficult issue for us. I let het know its not her its everyone. We are working on comprimises and work arounds. But so far she is super supportive if not down right shocked it was a "surprise" to me, since it was old news to her.

Not so much as old news but finally the

problems that sex had brought on with us made sense. For so long I kept thinking that it was that I wasn't good enough for you or what I was doing wrong to make you never want to be with me. But I now have a better understanding about you and our marriage. I think that since you have been opened our relationship has grown.

[Tarfeather]

Wasnt syre what I expected but her say "yeah I coulda told you that." was not it.

*grins* I expected that when I read your initial post. You think a sexual person could be in a relationship with an asexual for such a long time and not realize that the other experiences no sexual attraction? :) I'm surprised though that apparently she never brought it up herself.

PS:

I like to cook(I'm vegetarian so cooking is helpful)

If I were a woman and you were single I'd have to ask you to marry me now. :3

[Kalidas]

Well asexuality is pretty visibly impaired. I didn't even know ti existed until recently. I just thought I was weird or everyone else was faking it. She probably felt ugly and unattractive (which she is NOT). that's why this place and others like this are so important.

[ACWells]

Vegetarian cooks are desirable (not like that) spouses?

Then where am I going wrong? I even make cakes!

Kalidas, and wife with long complex username, this is a lovely story. I wish you two a lifetime of happiness :)

[labinnacslove]

Well asexuality is pretty visibly impaired. I didn't even know ti existed until recently. I just thought I was weird or everyone else was faking it. She probably felt ugly and unattractive (which she is NOT). that's why this place and others like this are so important.

Actually I did feel ugly and unattractive. I didn't know what the name of it was at all. I just knew it was a big problem for years and was causing a lot of issues between us both because I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong that made you not want me. Now since we have talked about it and been more open about it I think our relationship has gotten stronger.