Not sure if i'm asexual or not?

[toney1757]

hello,

I am a 31 year old male who has long suspected that I am asexual. However i'm not sure, because I masturbate, quite a bit in fact. However, I have never had a strong desire for sex with another person. I also have a fetish and it is exclusively directed at males. But I can't call myself gay because, a man by himself, doesn't excite me. He has to be engaged in my fetish to excite me. I have very little interest in penetrating or being penetrated by a male. However, I do like the idea of cuddling or making out with one. But to turn me on sexually, he have to do something related to my fetish.

I truly hope someone responds to this post. I have been very depressed lately because I feel like a freak, or someone who is deformed sexually. I don't mean to insult anyone here, but, I don't want to be asexual. To me asexuality=boring, square and weak. I here other men talking about how "horney" they are all the time and it makes me jealous. I don't feel I get as horney as other men, but then again, I have nothing to compare it too. I know its irrational, but I can't help feeling like an inferior specimen of a man for being asexual. Sexuality has so much power and adventure behind it, and I will never have that. I also feel that I will never experience the intense pleasure that other guys seem to have. I have had pleasurable orgasms before, but other guys seem to get so much more pleasure out of it

My asexuality might also be the reason I was never able to build muscle tone. I just feel completely inferior and sometimes I truly want to kill myself.

[WünderBâhr]

I can't say I fully understand what it is that you are going through, but I do know you aren't the first member, even an asexual one, who isn't pleased with their sexuality for various reasons. It can be extremely difficult to see society or just other people in your general vicinity experience things you cannot or may not ever experience, because of the complexity and confusion (a)sexuality can bring to the table.

I'm not sure I can see how it affects muscle tone, really. However, I'm not a man, nor am I well versed in biology and anatomy of the male sexed body.

You're not as alone as you might think, though.

Perhaps, someone with similar experiences/perspectives will come across your thread and be able to offer their own stories and input. I do hope you are able to feel more comfortable with who you are, and if AVEN can help with that, that would be grand.

In any case, here is a list of resources that may be of use whenever you're feeling especially in need of support or if you feel the potential for self-harm.

Welcome to the community.

[stonehengegirl]

Hi. Welcome to AVEN.

Asexual means you don't experience sexual attraction. From your description, you may be on the asexual spectrum but only you can decide if you are asexual.

I have good news for you. Asexuality may seem boring, square, and weak but it doesn't have to be. You don't have to live your life in a particular way because of asexuality. You can live how ever you want. In fact in my experience, accepting myself as sexual was the most freeing, liberating experience I have ever had. I could finally stop comparing myself to sexual people and be authentically myself.

I am glad you found us and I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Oh, and we have a little tradition of welcoming newcomers with cake. So here you go.

[100%Cake]

hello,

I am a 31 year old male who has long suspected that I am asexual. However i'm not sure, because I masturbate, quite a bit in fact. However, I have never had a strong desire for sex with another person. I also have a fetish and it is exclusively directed at males. But I can't call myself gay because, a man by himself, doesn't excite me. He has to be engaged in my fetish to excite me. I have very little interest in penetrating or being penetrated by a male. However, I do like the idea of cuddling or making out with one. But to turn me on sexually, he have to do something related to my fetish.

I truly hope someone responds to this post. I have been very depressed lately because I feel like a freak, or someone who is deformed sexually. I don't mean to insult anyone here, but, I don't want to be asexual. To me asexuality=boring, square and weak. I here other men talking about how "horney" they are all the time and it makes me jealous. I don't feel I get as horney as other men, but then again, I have nothing to compare it too. I know its irrational, but I can't help feeling like an inferior specimen of a man for being asexual. Sexuality has so much power and adventure behind it, and I will never have that. I also feel that I will never experience the intense pleasure that other guys seem to have. I have had pleasurable orgasms before, but other guys seem to get so much more pleasure out of it

My asexuality might also be the reason I was never able to build muscle tone. I just feel completely inferior and sometimes I truly want to kill myself.

Read through some of the things on the FAQ, I think these two will especially be useful for you:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html#ex6

http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html#ex9

I hope these help!

[100%Cake]

Also, try and not relate masculinity to strength and sexuality, in reality 'masculinity' is only a social construct and you shouldn't feel bad not for conforming! :)

[Custos]

Welcome to AVEN. :)

As others have said, masculinity is not defined through sexuality. Based on what you have said you could simply consider yourself asexualish or grey-a. Which are shades between sexuality and asexuality so you don't feel like you have to label yourself a solid assxual. Though there is power and adventure that can come with asexuality as it is human drive, curiousity and so forth that allows you to have an amazing life. Not whether you get totally excited over an orgasm. In short, don't feel freakish or wrong and never I truly hope you don't feel as depressed because you don't need to completely focus on whatever sexuality you are as it is a fluid concept. Look through AVEN and find more answers and information until you get a better idea of what asexuality and the asexual spectrum is all about. Believe me, it's not weak. Best of luck!

[Star Bit]

Peoples orgasm pleasure can differ by person. You have an inferiority complex and wish for power and are putting that on sexual people; especially men, while blaming all your insecurity on asexuality. I suggest a psychologist. Are you unable to gain any muscle tone or just a significant amount you want? Your inability may be due to low testosterone; have your hormones checked (lol, kuz that's a common BS responce we get to asexuality), but if they're normal then don't feel the need to change it. Being Asexual does not make you weak. Sex isn't as impowering as you think; the grass just looks greener on the other side because you've never lived on it. Your friends probably only gloat about the good stuff. The bad, however, is that one partner may want sex and the other not; this can result in disapointing rejection or an uninterested partner feeling they have to preform. This may be a regular thing if the two peoples sex drives don't match up. Sex doesn't always end with an orgasm. (brb, i have more) But my point is that some sexuals literally do wish they were asexual because of the hastle that comes with sex.

[Lost247365]

Hi Toney,

Before I reply to your post, let me say that only you can decide if you are asexual or not and that everything I am about to say is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I am a 31 year old male who has long suspected that I am asexual. However i'm not sure, because I masturbate, quite a bit in fact. However, I have never had a strong desire for sex with another person. I also have a fetish and it is exclusively directed at males. But I can't call myself gay because, a man by himself, doesn't excite me. He has to be engaged in my fetish to excite me. I have very little interest in penetrating or being penetrated by a male. However, I do like the idea of cuddling or making out with one. But to turn me on sexually, he have to do something related to my fetish.

Your experiences sounds just almost just like mine when I first encountered the concept of asexuality. None of the things you describe are disqualifiers for asexuality and to completely honest....it does sound like you are asexual to me. Many (but of course not all) asexuals do like doing sensual thinigs like cuddling and do have a libdos, fetishes, and need to deal with them somehow in solitude.

I truly hope someone responds to this post. I have been very depressed lately because I feel like a freak, or someone who is deformed sexually. I don't mean to insult anyone here, but, I don't want to be asexual. To me asexuality=boring, square and weak. I here other men talking about how "horney" they are all the time and it makes me jealous. I don't feel I get as horney as other men, but then again, I have nothing to compare it too. I know its irrational, but I can't help feeling like an inferior specimen of a man for being asexual. Sexuality has so much power and adventure behind it, and I will never have that. I also feel that I will never experience the intense pleasure that other guys seem to have. I have had pleasurable orgasms before, but other guys seem to get so much more pleasure out of it

No offense taken, and I hope you don't take this as rude or an insult either, but if you are asexual there is not much you can do about it regardless of if you want to be asexual or not.

Many people are born in ways they don't like. Sometimes you can do something about it, and other times we are forced to deal with it. A person who is prone to being overweight can, through extreme discipline, diet, and exercise lose weight and become skinny, or someone who is physically unattractive can have plastic surgery. But a person with acromegaly (giantism) can never become a normal height again no matter what they do.

Sexuality is one of those things you can't do anything about. You can try delude yourself into thinking you aren't this way but you can't control the way you think or rewire your brain. I would say its better to accept this part of yourself and try and change your perception of asexuality and the perception of others around you. Instead of thinking of sexuality as having power, realize that being asexuality has its own power as well. We are free to choose our own relationships without being influenced by sexual attraction. That is a measure of control sexuals do not possess.

Nobody's pleasures are exactly alike, and even if you were sexual that does not mean you would derive the same pleasure you "perceive"" others experiencing. I would advise just ignoring them and pursue what you find pleasurable. Just stop focusing on others and live the life you want to live.

My asexuality might also be the reason I was never able to build muscle tone. I just feel completely inferior and sometimes I truly want to kill myself.

I don't see how not being sexually attracted to others or not wanting to have sex would affect muscle tone. But, who knows it might....but I am skeptical.

I know you feel inferior and almost nothing I can say will fix that, but I believe this life is the only life we have and when it is over we cease to exist. Because of this all life is precious to me. It is something rare and all people have value. Don't let this world get you down. And if you are feeling like you just can't go on anymore please consider trying some of these resources:

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

Things can and do get better. Don't lose hope.