Talking about sex to therapist and running into issues

[interpol]

Mods can move if need be.

My therapist wants to know why I do not make eye contact with her when I talk about sex. Other therapists have noticed the same thing, but at that time, I was more immediately working through the sexual traumas that landed me in the chair in the first place.

But it's scary. It really is. When you've been shamed for curiosity and told to shut up and listen your entire life, you're not going to feel very comfortable talking about sex, related to trauma or otherwise. Or, rather, the men are more comfortable talking about sex than the women seem to be, at least where I live.

It does seem like a scary thing though. Sort of like if I'm called to be different from anyone else, I should not have the same needs or wants anyone else has. I can go without food (food doesn't interest me that much anyway). I can go without water. I can go without sex. Those are base needs I must transcend if I'm to truly be different. If I give in, I have failed. I am an animal with basic needs and nothing more than that. To even have a desire for support, companionship and love from others stirs up problems just because if I were truly strong, independent, and intelligent, I would not need or want them and be able to do it all myself. I've realized I can't get there without support and this alone is driving me batty.

To say all that aloud to her seems unthinkable though. Because she's going to get me to change that, and I feel like that would change everything, and then I wouldn't be the same anymore. I might turn into one of those women who graces the magazine covers naked or something.

I don't know. Does anyone else have any problem like this?

[Palovana]

I'm not exactly sure what exactly you're trying to convey, or what answers you seek, but I can tell you that if your therapist is trying to force you to change something you don't want to change, or if she's making you feel bad or telling you that your feelings are wrong, she's a terrible therapist. I finally found a really good trauma therapist after almost 10 years of searching and over a dozen really terrible ones, and she tells me I don't have to tell her anything that I don't want to or I can change the subject if it's uncomfortable or upsets me, and (so far) she hasn't made me feel like a freak for being very different from other people. Just a good rule of thumb: if a therapist is making the bad feelings worse, or if they make you feel ashamed or dehumanized or "wrong", you shouldn't waste your time with them. Just because someone's a therapist doesn't mean they're right or know everything.

[Star Bit]

How exactly do therapists/psychologists or whatever go about getting a job they're bad at? Shouldn't there be some kind of compassion bar test? I just read someones post the other day saying that theirs was judgmental. How can there be so many people bad at it?

[interpol]

I don't think it's a matter of her being bad at it. It's more a matter of I am afraid of what will happen if I get over it because in my mind sexual equals giant whore and I don't want to turn into one and I am absolutely convinced nothing in my life will be the same if I get over it. I've had some REALLY BAD ones, one of whom seemed to think my being an only child was the reason I was having issues with family members and wanted to know why I wasn't raging and screaming and breaking things in her office (I know, the other therapists I had were baffled by her too.) Yes, she told me I don't have to tell her if I don't want. The entire reason I am in there is to figure out how to best move forward from the trauma, develop positive coping skills, and not think of sex as a big deal. She asked me this to figure out why it is a big deal, and I am afraid to tell her why, even though I have no reason to be. I have never seen anyone have sex responsibly.

[KendraPM]

It sounds me like you know that you need to get through this and find a way to talk to her about it. I understand the fear, I have irrational fears like that as well. It doesn't really make it any easier knowing that you won't become a "giant whore" just by talking about sex and getting past any hurdles, but it is good that you know that it's in your head. I'm not sure I can offer any advice, but I wish you the best.