Jump to content

How do straight men react when you come out as asexual?


Recommended Posts

Devil Kisses

I've only come out as asexual to guys on the internet. Some guys seem to be cool with it. If I tell them I'm gray-A things become more complicated. I often get asked if I'm attracted to men. That's a very hard question for me to answer. I might have been attracted to men, but I have no desire to do anything with a man.

I'm not even sure if I'm truly asexual, but I think I'll tell straight men that I'm asexual. I might not even use the word asexual. I might just tell them I'm not attracted to anyone instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

99% of the time: sarcasm or disgust.

But I do have a few straight male friends who are super awesome and accepting, but they never talked to me just because they wanted to have sex with me or anything, and we were friends for years before they knew.

I just tend to stay away from most people...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Méshie Péshie

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Or they're like "well you just think you don't like it because you haven't had sex with ME yet". Oh my god, if I already wasn't attracted to them, that's a sure way to make me not want to have anything to do with them. So tacky and classless, ugh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GhostPrince

I haven't encountered anything totally negative other than 100% confusion. Usually after a simple explanation, they'll react with "well, okay but that still doesn't even make sense." Which is sometimes irritating. I have a turn-the-cheek type of attitude though, so it doesn't bother me much. To be honest, I get more negative reactions from my openly gay friends than random straight males (and females). One response for example was, "well, that's kind of weird [under his breath] and stupid."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen

On the internet it's usually "that's weird" or something like that. I came out to a straight 'man' (he's an 18 year old boy. Well he's 19 now, but he was 18 when I told him) and he was like "That can't happen" and if we hadn't been at a festival I'd have lectured him xD.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Autumn Season

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Yeah, those kinds are annoying. I usually block or ignore them.

I haven't told any real life straight males yet... with two exceptions. My mother's boyfriend doesn't believe me. Then again I didn't really tell him personally. And anyway, I don't care what he thinks, haha. My dating partner right now knows, too. He is very respectful. Even though I'm not 100% sure he understands what asexuality means, he never ever makes the usual remarks I hear from straight men. He's great. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone

One guy told me recently that I have just had very bad male partners, as if he has a magic penis or something lol. Some men feel they can cure you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me they always act like I have dealt them the greatest offense of their life I guess it is from someone not finding them attractive in that manner.

One frenemy of mine acted as though he were superior and made fun of me but I probably brough that one myself for treating him terribly in the past.

The others just make fun of me but idc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've gotten some bad reactions, so I usually don't "come out."

But straight guys I have told mostly don't believe me. Anywhere from "that doesn't exist," "you've just been traumatized," "you haven't met the one," "you have to have sex with a guy who knows what he is doing." Blah blah.

Lack of understanding. They aren't thinking of the attraction side, but just whether sex is enjoyable (they think me not enjoying it is the "issue"). Once or twice, I've had to compare asexuality to them being gay. Are they attracted to the same sex people? They'll say no, and then kinda get how I could be attracted to no one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tarfeather

Individually. ~_~ I've not yet had any of my friends say something stupid about my girlfriend's asexuality. But then I don't befriend idiots.

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Is that dating site experience? Dating sites are literally the worst. Or at least I don't meet a lot of people on quite that level of stupidity on the nerdy online sites I frequent.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My experience is mixed. Confusion is always there so I have to explain how I work in details every time I talk to a new guy. The funniest thing is, when I tell them that I have no problem with pleasuring them but don't feel anything when touched sexually by others they're like, "but I want to pleasure my partner too". And "maybe there are ways to get you into it". And I have to explain them that yeah, my body can go through an orgasm, but unless I'm concentrating extra hard, it's uncomfortable and my mind is totally blank. And they still don't get it, but want me to write them porn nevertheless. Or to send pics in exchange for pictures of their magnificent manhoods.

Link to post
Share on other sites
allrightalready

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Or they're like "well you just think you don't like it because you haven't had sex with ME yet". Oh my god, if I already wasn't attracted to them, that's a sure way to make me not want to have anything to do with them. So tacky and classless, ugh.

dang! it had never occurred to me to use this and i was hoping it might work since telling them i am not interested or even letting them know i am lesbian never works either (there are days that i decide to stay at home rather than go out to the store or anything just to avoid the harassment)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have no experience with this as the only two persons I came out to are both female, it also depends if you're a female or male ace.

Judging by what I've seen in forums and boards of various sorts, these are the most common negative answers, usually ranging from (non malicious) ignorance to stalking or mockery:

If you're an ace girl:

-"That's strange/ uncommon"

-"Probably had a bad experience/were molested, she hasn't found the right person (me), I can change that!"

-"What a shame, she's good looking/hot"

-"She's just frigid/ that's the standard female sexuality"

If you're an ace guy, however, the responses vary slightly:

-"That's just an excuse for being a virgin/ugly and not getting any"

-"There's something wrong with you, you should be wanting to bang everything all the time! Get your hormones checked"

-"You're probably just gay in denial"

-"Stop masturbating and watching porn and let's see how asexual you are"

Not all are like this of course but these are some of the most vocal responses I've seen around, specially dating sites.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not out to many people, but both my boyfriend and one of the guy friends I'm out to are straight, and I haven't had a problem with either one. For a while my boyfriend was a little confused about why I didn't just call myself straight, but he now understands the subtle but important difference between being heterosexual and being heteroromantic. The guy friend got all excited and introduced me to his ace girlfriend. So, they're not all bad.

Link to post
Share on other sites
~RedArcher

Most of the time, I think they take it as an ego crash.

Males with a sex drive like to think of every woman they know who isn't related to them as a contender for sex and when you tell them you're ace, they're like "Oh, so wait, we can't do it then? You're suddenly less interesting to me".

Or well, the boys I know are that way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most of my straight friends thought it was a bit weird at first, and I don't blame them, it must be quite an alien concept for them. They're supportive now, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've only tried to explain it to a few guys in my life, and all of them have had the same reaction. They give me this look, like I just told them I'm from another planet or something, when I use the word "asexual". Then they proceed to make fun of it like it's a joke. They insist repeatedly that when I have sex for the first time, all will be "made clear to me".

I think most of the bad reactions come from misconceptions and lack of knowledge.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GoosePeelings

I have a straight (judging by the way he confessed to me once) male friend, when I told him he was just like 'ok'.

He's awesome.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I've come out to one straight guy online, it was sort of needed as he wanted to date me so I had no choice but to explain.

He responded with 'What the f*** is that?' to which I explained and our friendship got rocky after that. He stopped talking to me, started trying to again a couple months ago so....

not well. It went terribly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I usually get "you're a virgin you just need to have sex then you'll see how much you want it."

Most guys just try harder to get with me at this point like I'm some sort of conquest.

No. Just no.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've only told my dad and three male friends. My dad denied it, two friends denied it, the other friend asked a few questions but accepted it fine. Since that's not super encouraging I don't tell people unless I feel I have to for some reason or I really think the person will react well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Get a testo shot". "You will want it one day". "You're gay!". "You're saying that cos you can't get laid".

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Lady.Lizard

I appear to have been quite lucky with my male, straight friends (the gay ones too). Mostly they start with initial confusion, then they ask me questions to try and work out what it is, how it differs to celibacy..etc etc.

Then after a while, they are completely ok with it. They might be a little awkward initally about whether then can hug me, give compliments and stuff, but after a while they relax and we're all chill :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Autumn Season

Oh, we're talking about male ace experiences now? Sounds interesting!

I'll share a bit too: When coming out to my mum, I sent her a video of a male ace talking about his experiences. She immediately showed it to her boyfriend.

The boyfriend's reaction was: This person is just really insecure. He needs more experience with women and then he will be comfortable with his sexual self.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Observe9th

I've only come out to my boyfriend of 9 months, though we both were already guessing about it for a while. He's very accepting and just this evening he was looking for wristbands and said he wanted to make one for me :)

But then again we are already together for a while. Though he was very open about experimenting and taking it slow in the beginning of our relationship, because I was just discovering the world of sexuality (which found out did not possess).

Link to post
Share on other sites
inactive12345

I've only come out to one straight male before, but he was cool with it. Mostly because that meant his very Christian parents would let me spend the night there and we could stay up until 3am playing Portal 2.

Link to post
Share on other sites
KittiesSong

Individually. ~_~ I've not yet had any of my friends say something stupid about my girlfriend's asexuality. But then I don't befriend idiots.

Either way, they try to get into your pants. In my online experiences anyway. Either they read my information that says I'm Ace/Not Interested and they ignore it, or they don't read it at all and hit on me. Once I tell them and explain it to them, they start to ask "but what about" questions. "But what about oral? But what about a guy that you actually like it with? But what if You do like it? But what about masturbation?" Blah blah blah. Grr.

Is that dating site experience? Dating sites are literally the worst. Or at least I don't meet a lot of people on quite that level of stupidity on the nerdy online sites I frequent.

I had my ex ask me if I masturbated.... there's a reason he's my ex. Among other things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Uh, friend from abroad has seemed very understanding, but I'm still having this feeling that he thinks I'm completely nuts. Oh well.

I'm considering telling it to one of my guy friends irl, but we talk semi-regularly and how to even start the topic? Though whatever I've told him before, he's a very understanding person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...