Is coming out of the closet worth it? Should I come out of the closet or go on as normal?

[Frankie123]

Hi!

First off I am about 90% I am a gray-sexual but this has been very confusing and difficult conclusion to reach because I have a very big levels of romantic attraction and I seem to experience it maybe not instantly but quite quickly and confuse it with sexual attraction but I have little to no real interest in sex and I seem to conform to most of the things to confirm being on the ace spectrum, I don't care about peoples bodies, I can't seem to fantasise about sex, I think it looks funny or awkward to watch, I feel sort of disgusted by it at times and at masturbation etc. But .... I still want to have it :/ because I have tied it in with romantic attraction for so long and as sappy as it sounds I see it as an act to let people know I like or love them, in other words, I see it as a sensual or romantic thing to do.

However I am currently in the longest relationship, I have ever been in (nearly two years) and things are getting awkward (for want of a better word) because my boyfriend is concerned that I have never had an orgasm from penetration. But I don't want to! and he is investing too much time and thought into making this happen. I have told him I don't care and it doesn't matter to me and I have told him I think I am a gray-sexual. Although he doesn't understand the term as well as I do, he says I can't be due to wanting to have so much regular sex and enjoying myself so much and being so eager about him so quickly. I don't know how to properly explain any of these things to him to the point that I even doubt myself and my own position on the ace spectrum but I think it all has do with me confusing sex as a necessary thing that comes with all the wonderful things about love that I want. All I know right now is post sex conversation is becoming increasingly strained, there is most deinetley and always has been (aka; with other people) something not right! I've been with six people now and initially I thought I was just having bad sex but now have come to the conclusion its more the concept of sex I'm confused by, than the possibility the sex I am having is not good. They say things about how amazing it was and 'wow' and they seem so utterly ... I don't even know pleased, utterly pleased??. Whereas I feel just feel sorta happy and warm and nice but not 'amazed' at the whole thing. I barely even think of the sex, I just think how much I love them as people. I think my boyfriend has tied up my enjoyment of sex and whether he can make me orgasm or not with his own self esteem and I think the conversation upsetted him. I don't know what to do though, because after sex constantly trying to mirror the utter 'I am pleased and amazed thing' is getting harder! I also feel like a bad person for 'mirroring' except I think I convinced myself I was feeling the same, but theres always been a screw loose there, that I couldn't put my finger on and I didn't want to upset anyone.So I have convinced myself I go through the same post sex feelings as everyone else but I think I really really don't especially since I wouldn't have even cared whether it happened or not and would have been perfectly happy with kissing and cuddling. I am trying to tell him this without damaging his confidence or without him possibly deciding to break up or not have sex. I want to have sex with him, I do enjoy it and I couldn't imagine denying him something he enjoys so much, especially since my enjoyment is mainly coming from his, even if it is in my own unusual way but I don't care about exploding or anything which seems to be his aim at the moment. In fact I am scared of it :(.

I'm sorry I wrote so much without expecting to. Basically I am very in love with my boyfriend and want our relationship to remain exactly the same and I need advice, has anyone 'come out' to a sexual partner before? Did anything change? Was it worth it? And perhaps I should just let him concentrate on pleasuring me as much as possible even though it makes me anxious?

[<Tom>]

First of all, welcome to AVEN! :D

Sounds to me like you definitely need to talk things over with him, at least. This type of thing isn't the type to sort itself out with time. I can't advise you on coming out to him as I've never done it, but best of luck if you choose to do so :)

[Copper]

While I don't have any experience with this, I feel like honesty and good communication is important in any kind of relationship. You could try referring him to AVEN too, as there's a whole subforum for the sexual partners, who would probably have good advice to help your boyfriend understand your perspective. I do think he should know though. If it makes you anxious then its not healthy to keep your feelings bottled up, especially in the long term.

[Member54880]

Welcome! Sorry to hear that he may have taken how you feel about sex personally, but it's important to be honest. However, he needs to know that behavior, attitude towards sex, and orientation aren't the same thing; that you may experience less sexual attraction than most people, but still want sex with him, and that how you feel about sex doesn't have to do with anyone, but rather, it's a part of who you are. He may have a certain idea of how partners are "supposed" to enjoy sex, and ties his self-worth to it, but there's nothing wrong with reacting differently to sex than what he may have been expecting.

Trying to put up a performance through mirroring, for the sake of his feelings, can get more difficult over time, it could drain you, and and strain things between you and him further.

[Ace of Cakes]

I'm sorry I wrote so much without expecting to. Basically I am very in love with my boyfriend and want our relationship to remain exactly the same and I need advice, has anyone 'come out' to a sexual partner before? Did anything change? Was it worth it? And perhaps I should just let him concentrate on pleasuring me as much as possible even though it makes me anxious?

It's all good :) Tends to happen to me on AVEN too. In short, yes. I came out to my boyfriend about seven months ago or so, and it was so worth it. It helped him understand why I wasn't responding in a "normal" way to some of his advances, and has enabled him to take note of the ways I do naturally show love. I have also been more comfortable to explore my own identity and desires and receive encouragement from him in that. It has helped us both become more open with each other, but that requires a lot of trust and communication. I don't think I'd say coming out has necessarily made things easier, but it has definitely made things better, and I would suggest you very seriously consider talking more about this with your boyfriend too. It's definitely important that you tell him very specifically how you feel, not just about asexuality in general, as we're all so different. I haven't been sexual with my boyfriend, but when we're doing sensual stuff, I have explained it to him that I enjoy that, but for different reasons than he does. He sees even sensual stuff as a bit sexual, while I see it as a way of making him happy and being close - a bit more of a romantic thing. Him knowing that helps him understand me and how I react, and I think it would be good if you could explain how you feel to your bf too. You shouldn't have to keep doing something that makes you anxious...