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Help explaining asexuality to family?


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Speedwagon157

Hi, I'm 18 and I just told my parents that I'm asexual. Naturally, they did all the normal things like invalidate it, say I "haven't met the right person yet" and stuff, but their main point seemed to be that I didn't have enough experience to know whether or not I was asexual. I've never been in a relationship, but I still think I know enough about myself and am old enough to realize that I've never felt legitimate sexual attraction. Is inexperience actually an issue here, or can someone help me explain that attraction is different from arousal which is different from action?

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You don't have to be in a relationship to know your sexual orientation. Your orientation is about attraction, not behavior. When someone tries to invalidate asexuality, you can apply their logic to their own orientation so they can hear how silly it sounds. So you can ask your parents how old they were when they realized they were straight or whether they discovered their straightness before or after they started dating. There are other ways to go about this, but this one's my favorite.

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No one needs to know about your sex life. And the only person you should be concerned about accepting your orientation is a potential partner.

"You haven't met the right person yet."

Reply: "And you just haven't met the right man/woman to turn you Bi. [though saying gay will have more impact] I think I should know my own opinions and desires; no one has the right or even guaranteed accuracy in assuming them (future or present). Yes, it's minootly plausible it could change, but that's for me to disclose." You're 18, you should know by now. I don't think they understand/remember that kids start to develop sexual attraction in late elementary and fully realize their desires somewhere in junior high to early high school. You're a few years past that late bloomer mark. Also, clarify that Asexual is not Aromantic.

They're just applying logic they use with other things when they say "how do you know if you've never tried." But with something so desire/impulse driven, you don't need to try it to know you have an urge to do sexual things to/with someone. Some ppl aren't interested in women, some aren't interested in men, so if being sexually interested to both sexes can exist, then being sexually interested in neither can exist too. Ask them if they'd say that about any other sexuality. (i.e. Is a gay man traumatized by women/a gay woman traumatized by men. You must be miserable not being interested in the same sex. Gay boy needs to change his mind about having sex with women. A gay woman hasn't found the right man/a gay man hasn't found the right woman. You’ll grow out of being gay/bi. [maybe add straight to the list to add more impact to their own sexuality]) Some ppl can't comprehend asexuality because the opposite is so highly the norm. People used to think homosexuality was a disorder; that's how ppl who can't understand something react; they reject it. People also don't typically look deeper into something they thought was basic. Being informed on something they thought they knew can make some ppl react with denial, especially when that something (the mind/emotions) cannot have physical evidence.

Explaining arousal from attraction is another matter. For them and most of the public they're always felt together, and that's why they can't consider any other way of it existing. Perhaps you should just state it as bluntly as possible; "no one turns me on and i don't desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with anyone".

Any other asexual denial lines i didn't give an answer to?

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SkullyPles

It can be tough because it's relatively unheard of, only becoming more known thanks to the limitless access to internets.

There's no point replying with sarcastic answers or trying to prove the validity of it as an orientation any further than you are comfortable expressing yourself in general. If I was in your shoes I'd feel inclined to maybe show them AVEN, or maybe try and explain about how you really feel.

Or guilt trip them... that's always fun :D

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Basically everything that Star Bit said.

Another tack to try, perhaps in combination with the gay/bi approach, is "Well, when will I be old enough to know for sure? When I'm 20? 30? 50?" It's like the "if I have a pile of sand and I take sand away grain by grain, when is it no longer a pile?"

I also quite like asking people "How do you know you're not interested in llamas?" to get the absurdity of the point across, although the gay/bi ones are better in the sense that they're harder to argue against (unless the person you're talking to is comfortable being homophobic).

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There's also the whole idea that if you've had sex, you can't be asexual. So if you're a virgin, then you can't know cuz you have no experience, but if you've had sex then how can you be asexual? When people start to use these arguments, there is literally no way to win, so you might want to point out the absurdity of this to them. (in addition to the other examples provided, especially the llamas one! ;) )

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petquack77

I'm in the same boat as you but I'm way older than you, had a few partners in the past .Family tried to tell me I wasn't that they knew me and I replied " How do you know ? They are not me ". Yourself is the best judge of your yourself and til this day they still don't understand. Just live your life and let your parents find out later when you are 35 years old and still have that "Meh" attitude towards pretty women dressed up in skimpy clothes. Also be prepared to take a lot of BS from friends because everyone makes a big deal out of sex and it tends to get annoying after awhile.

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