Do You Think It Is Ok to Tell People a More Acceptable Lie Instead of Telling Them You're Ace?

[Méshie Péshie]

We all know how difficult it is when telling new people you are Asexual. But when they don't understand it... What do you do? How do you react? Do you consider trying to tell them something you think they will understand immediately?

When it comes to sex, all/most allosexuals disagree with the idea that sex can be and is disliked. They argue until they're blue in the face. Is it sometimes worth it to come up with little white lies that avoid this type of reaction? What Lies would you give in such situations? Have you already tried this tactic? How did it go for you?

[Tarfeather]

Can you be more specific? I think in most situations you can get out of it pretty easily. "I'm not interested in a relationship right now", "I have other priorities in life at the moment", etc. See, as long as you pretend that your disinterest in sex is temporary, most people will understand you immediately. It's just the notion that you never, ever want to have sex that confuses them.

[Méshie Péshie]

That right there is exactly what I meant. Just saying things like that to get out of them arguing with you on it. But what if they are some friend of a friend who finds you attractive and they might want to date you in the future? What if they constantly ask you in the future if you are ready to date yet? Just keep saying "no."?

What if they skim around that and ask "What about friends with benefits?" What might you tell them then? That you are not sexually interested in them and let them take it personally?

These lines are so blurred in every situation.

[nerdperson777]

Well, I don't tend to speak out much or let people in my friend circles that easily so it hasn't happened much before. But if it's a friend, I would say it's worth trying to explain to them. If they ask about benefits, it would depend whether you are sex-positive, neutral, or negative. I'm negative so no matter what happens, it's not happening. And if they ask that, it's just to please them, not you. Really have to get that idea into their heads so they completely understand before anything happens.

[Robin L]

I like to say that this is true for me at the moment, and if it were to change in the future, then I will accept it, but now it is not.

I have came out to some people, and they were all accepting of the idea that people could be permanently disinterested in sex.

[Tarfeather]

If you're not interested in them, you turn them down, yes. The reason doesn't really matter, or at least you're not obligated to give them a reason. If they decide to hit on you, it's *their* risk to take a hit to their self-esteem, it's not your responsibility.

If you're (romantically) interested in them, then it's of course a whole different story, and there are many threads about that. But I guess that's not the situation you're asking about.

[potato-chip]

I do not think you owe any explanation, personally. If someone (even a friend) expressed romantic or sexual interest in me, I would simply respond that "while I am flattered, I just do not return your feelings." If they asked why, I'd say, "I am just not attracted to you that way, sorry."

If someone asks me why I am not in a relationship (and coworkers ask me this quite a bit), I simply say I haven't met anyone that I would like to do that with. There is nothing untruthful about that! Sometimes they then inquire if I'm trying hard enough to meet new people ("you have to get yourself OUT there"!). To that, I say, "oh I meet new people all the time." Then I try to change the subject.

I usually don't bother trying to explain aromanticism or asexuality to sexual people. They don't get it, and I find that line of questioning and challenging from them to be too uncomfortable for me personally. I know lots of people here say that it is up to us to educate sexuals about our orientation, but I disagree. If you are comfortable doing that, then great. But I am not comfortable doing that, and would rather keep this stuff private. It is ok to not be the champion of asexual rights! And that stance can be reevaluated at any time.

I think it is Important to know your own boundaries in these kind of conversations, and enforce them. If you would rather keep your reasons to yourself, then you need to find a way to end conversations where someone is trying to cross that boundary. If people get upset, then that is on THEM, not your fault.

[Elluna Hellen]

Of course that's okay. You don't owe anyone an explanation but yourself.

[SkullyPles]

Tell people i'm straight, constantly act gay. Noone knows who or what I am. If someone asked me who I wouldn't want I'd say 'No'

"what about in the future"

'Ive said no. accept that or leave me alone'. It's a flawless plan ;)

[~RedArcher]

Yep, I always tell people it's okay.

Instead of telling people I'm ace, I just say "I'm not looking", which roughly translates into, "I'm hetero but I'm enjoying the single life, right now".

I always assure people that it's very okay to identify as something that may make their life easier if they're still coming to terms with what sexuality they might be, or if they're surrounded by people who'd make their lives difficult if they found out. The fact that we live in that kind of society is depressing but needs must.

I always identify as Hetero, often Demi but to my true, close friends, they know I'm all about the Ace~

[Ace of Cakes]

I agree with what the others have said. I don't think it's so much of a lie, since that has a pretty negative connotation, as a choice not to reveal a very personal detail about yourself.

[frejapud]

This isn't a very good reply, and not really related to the topic but...

... Once I had broken up with my boyfriend, my mother and I had a talk. She was explaining how there are more fish in the sea and all that. Afterwards I attempted to tell her how I feel, with using the word demisexual/romantic. It went along the lines of: 'I can think people look nice but don't want to go out with them because I don't know them and it would be weird.' So I guess I toned it down. Maybe this relates to how some white lies can stop people from acting over the top. I told a white out to my friend before I came out, saying I'd researched it to prove I wasn't weird whereas I knew three weeks before. I told my friend the truth in the end.

[Otohime]

Once I let a group of people believe I was lesbian. People I worked with would ask if I was seeing anyone, and I would say I'm not really looking for a relationship at that time, but that wasn't enough for them to leave it alone. Someone would flirt with me or someone else would want to set me up. Somehow in a conversation, I slipped that I wasn't interested wasn't interested in men in that way. I meant I wasn't interested in sex, but instead... it was like a light bulb went off in their minds (wrong lightbulb but still). The flirting and hitting on me stopped, so I didn't ever correct them.

If I want a whole group of guys off my back, letting them all believe I'm lesbian works, but I probably won't ever purposely use that. It feels disrespectful to lesbians (like they face discrimination and I'm using it as a crutch? meh). But it can be really annoying if guys ask a bunch of questions of "why am I not interested" and I don't want to explain the asexual thing (bad reactions to disbelief a lot of the time). It's not their business, but saying "it's not your business" makes some people really offended -- I guess it does sound cold?

I don't know. Reasons I like to avoid being around people!

Anyway, regarding lying, my belief is that if it's not something that is someone's business, then misdirect is fair. BUT lying isn't good if you are wanting to get to know people and get people to know you. Leaving out things is still okay... not everyone needs to know everything about you instantly.

If you are dealing with an individual who is showing interest in you, more information can be better. Just saying the word "no" does mean that they might approach you at another time. Saying "I'm not interested in a relationship with you" has more details, and there's no lie there. Adding "because I'm asexual/aromantic" can soften it, but there's no reason to have to add that.

Also, if someone refuses to see your point of view - like they refuse to believe sex can be disliked - I'd let it go. That's how I tend to react anyway. If someone isn't open to different views and new ideas, then I certainly don't want to explain something about myself that they neither want to hear nor will believe if they do.

[Tarfeather]

Anyway, regarding lying, my belief is that if it's not something that is someone's business, then misdirect is fair. BUT lying isn't good if you are wanting to get to know people and get people to know you.

I don't think it matters whether it's misdirection or lying. Personally, I don't care whether it's technically phrased in a way that it's actually true. To me it only two things matter: Are they intentionally trying to make you believe something that is wrong, and how effectively are they doing this? Politicians, arguably the worst group of professional liars on this planet, have mastered the art of making true statements while still lying to their followers. In my opinion, that makes them worse, not better, than someone who tells outright lies.

That said, if the purpose is your own protection, and the person you're lying to is not someone who trusts you, then I think it's perfectly fine to do so. I'd forgive someone for that, if they did it before they got to know me properly.

[Absol]

It seems that this thread has been more or less unanimous, and I agree with the popular opinion: it's no one else's business, so you should choose what you want to tell them. I don't think it's a good idea to straight up lie to a close friend (ex telling them you're homosexual) but just saying you're not interested in a relationship is fine. I will say however, that for me personally, it has been a huge relief to tell my close friends that I'm asexual. I've had some very respectful and informative conversations about asexuality with a few friends, and they were genuinely interested in learning more about asexuality. So telling friends might be worth it, if you think they'll be respectful and understanding. On the other hand, if it's a casual acquaintance or a random stranger, you should not feel obligated to tell them anything that you aren't comfortable sharing. It really is none of their business. Personally, I'd probably tell someone if they asked, but that's just me. Your personal information is yours to do with as you wish. ^_^

[OrcArrow]

I recently told a very close friend of mine that I'm Asexual, and by recently I mean about 11 hours ago. She is the only person I have ever told about my sexuality, and it was not a huge conversation or anything like that. I have no problems with telling people I'm asexual, but I won't talk about it unless it comes up somehow. It was actually quite funny how it happened, the look on her face when I said "actually, I am asexual" is something I will never forget. It was easier for me since she already knew about asexuality. The point I'm trying to make is that it isn't good to hide stuff from close friends, you should show them who you are and trust they will respect who you truly are.

All this being said the important part is that I only tell people if it comes up. Since it isn't something I would put on a nametag, I only tell people when they talk to me about it and just let other people (right now this group includes my entire family ;)) think what they want to think about me. It's worked out great so far.

[Guest]

I usually make it very clear that my personal life is not an acceptable topic when people get to curious and I am not comfortable being frank with them. I'm generally very private, and most people can accept that much.

And to me lying to protect yourself emotionally is perfectly acceptable. We live in a world where sexuality is profoundly stigmatized, and you have the right to dictate how you present your sexuality.

[Glyn]

I'm personally very cautious of how I phrase things myself, as I have learned the hard way that some people are total arseholes. In many cases, I won't openly say I'm ace, but I will say that I am someone who's in no particular hurry to be inside a romantic or sexual relationship. If people ask if I am straight, I say that as a man, I am not sexually attracted to men. It means that it technically answers their question, without admitting that I could be ace or have questions about my sexuality.

Saying all this, I have noticed that people have been not asking questions about me sexually so much in recent years as compared to when I was younger. I haven't been inside as conversations as much in recent years involving at least one person present will say "Oh man... I would definitely make out with her"/"She's got a fine ass... I would certainly get jiggy with her" etc. This could very well be due to a number of factors - the fact I don't hang around with people these days who are constantly banging on about who they'd like to get into bed with*, that I am 38 years old and most automatically assume that I've had sex and don't press me on the matter as much and of course, that I am a rather big bloke (there could very well be a subconscious thing with some people where they automatically assume that people my size don't have a sex life and/or could be sexually attractive).

And of course, I have a filthy sense of humour as well, which I have a feeling may distract people from asking too many questions.

*When I started my last job, we seemed to have a large number of male members of staff who would frequently (and I mean several times every shift) would go on about how they'd want to have sex with X, Y and Z. They'd comment on X's rear or the size of Y's boobs etc. These kinds of people have moved on and there seemed to be less people who worked with me who seemed to be fixated on what they were going to do next with their crotches.

[Betty Badinbed]

I usually don't bother trying to explain aromanticism or asexuality to sexual people. They don't get it, and I find that line of questioning and challenging from them to be too uncomfortable for me personally. I know lots of people here say that it is up to us to educate sexuals about our orientation, but I disagree. If you are comfortable doing that, then great. But I am not comfortable doing that, and would rather keep this stuff private. It is ok to not be the champion of asexual rights! And that stance can be reevaluated at any time.

Exactly how I feel. My one 'go' at this was a horrific experience and made me so uncomfortable. Just not willing to try it again. I did try to summon up the courage recently but the moment passed. I can get by in life without people knowing, actually.

Anyway, I don't get pestered about why I'm not dating because I've recently come out of a 9 year relationship, and people are perfectly accepting that (1) I might want to be by myself for a while (2) I'm in that gigantic pool of mid/late 40s single women, so opportunities aren't exactly knocking my door down.

[allrightalready]

i am a terrible liar (aspergers) and i am past the need to hurt myself or hide myself merely to spare others feelings.

online the worst reaction i got was to be accused that being demisexual meant i was a pedophile (this was after i explained it and posted links), i blocked her (she then whined to my friend on whose timeline this occurred and my friend told her she deserved it)

in real life i offer one explanation and if someone has a problem i walk away (real life blocking)

[Tarfeather]

in real life i offer one explanation and if someone has a problem i walk away (real life blocking)

Doesn't always work. Example: Co-workers.

[RK800]

I've found nervous laughter and shrugging tends to either make people drop the subject or confuse them.

Or you could just get a very large dog and bring said four legged creature around. I guarantee very few questions will be asked. ;)

[Otohime]

Anyway, regarding lying, my belief is that if it's not something that is someone's business, then misdirect is fair. BUT lying isn't good if you are wanting to get to know people and get people to know you.

I don't think it matters whether it's misdirection or lying. Personally, I don't care whether it's technically phrased in a way that it's actually true. To me it only two things matter: Are they intentionally trying to make you believe something that is wrong, and how effectively are they doing this? Politicians, arguably the worst group of professional liars on this planet, have mastered the art of making true statements while still lying to their followers. In my opinion, that makes them worse, not better, than someone who tells outright lies.

That said, if the purpose is your own protection, and the person you're lying to is not someone who trusts you, then I think it's perfectly fine to do so. I'd forgive someone for that, if they did it before they got to know me properly.

Perhaps I should have clarified more.

If you are selling something, I don't condone lying or misdirecting. Politicians are selling themselves (I mean they are selling their ideology, the beliefs, and their intentions). If they are lying or implying something that it is a lie... I don't condone that. To a point. There is still a difference between their public and private lives. If I'm running for president, and the media asks me why I'm single, I'm under no obligation to say I'm asexual. I could say "I'm focusing on my career right now." If I was casually secretly dating someone and the media asks me why I'm single, I could still say "I'm focusing on my career right now."

Of course, if I WAS running for president, I would have to be more careful about lying even about my personal life. If I said I wasn't dating anyone and then was caught all of town holding hands and making out with someone, the public would say I was lying and then they would be suspicious that I was lying about other things. (Even though my private life ISN'T their business, the public often thinks it is, especially if they felt they were misdirected).

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not famous. Although... anyone lying to friends can have the same effect. Lying to someone and being caught lying, means they could be suspicious that you are lying again. The trust is broken.

That's why I think misdirecting is better than lying. And by misdirecting I more mean... being vague. If I'm vague about my personal life to an acquaintance... and they then believe I'm heterosexual, they aren't likely to feel I was lying if I later explain that it's more complicated than that. Maybe if I was outright lying they would understand that as well, but maybe they would be less trusting of me.

[Ace_Kat]

If you really want to tell someone that you are asexual, you should bring up the topic. You can say to the person "Hey, do you know what asexual is?" The individual can just bring it up in a conversation. If they react like they are ok with it, I think it is safe to tell them. If they react badly to it, then it is best not to tell them so the individual won't get hurt physically and/or mentally. The individual should do whatever they think is right. I have not really come out yet because I am still thinking and wondering what my friends and family would say. You are you, you can tell them if you want, or you don't have to tell them.

[Daniel John Sheaffer]

I never lie when it comes to my sexuality. I'm very upfront and honest about it.

[Telecaster68]

"Oh man... I would definitelymake out with her"/"She's got a fine ass... I would certainly get jiggy with her"

Blimey. Do they talk like that in the Bedfordshire massive?

[Truth and Lies]

I am very open with it nowadays. If someone (with no relation to my family) came up to me and asked me about my sexuality, I would tell them I'm asexual, and if they didn't know what that was, I would explain it.

However, I think it is also okay to say something else, to not disclose that information which may be very personal to you, if you're talking to an acquaintance or a stranger. Why does it have to be a lie? There's plenty of ways to dodge answering upfront. "I'm not interested in a relationship right now," "I want to focus on other aspects of my life," "that's none of your business, now is it?" If you really don't want to answer, don't answer. I guess some people may try to be intrusive or pushy on the matter, but... *shrugs*

Generally, if people don't understand it or don't give up on the conversation after usually a five to ten minute explanation... I just drop the subject.

I tried explaining it once to two people in my German class. It started with a talk about relationships, I explained asexuality, and then when I got into romantic orientations, their minds were so completely boggled. I was like, "I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with either gender," said after the whole explanation of asexuality, and then one of them goes, "so... you're bi?"

Blank look, facepalm, and wondering why I bothered wasting my breath. I didn't give up, unfortunately, so I went on to explain the difference between sexual orientations are romantic orientations are how they don't necessarily intertwine. Somehow, the conversation ended with the second person (a much older person) saying in that patronizing, knowing little tone that made me want to punch them, "Oh, when you find that one person, you'll change your mind." With a stupid grin after the words.

...I avoided talking to that person after that conversation.

[Archived]

We all know how difficult it is when telling new people you are Asexual. But when they don't understand it... What do you do? How do you react? Do you consider trying to tell them something you think they will understand immediately?

When it comes to sex, all/most allosexuals disagree with the idea that sex can be and is disliked. They argue until they're blue in the face. Is it sometimes worth it to come up with little white lies that avoid this type of reaction? What Lies would you give in such situations? Have you already tried this tactic? How did it go for you?

If it's someone who's opinion I value & I just care about in general, I I'd go through laying it out for them, no matter how challenging. I've used a lot of things I've learned--analogies especially--from AVEN, so that's helped.

I don't try to start anything. If it's one of those people, then I just tell them I'm asexual, give the short definition, & when they say something, kind of, y'know, invalidating, then I just say, "that's okay. It's your opinion." & turn around. Arguments like that aren't worth it. They can't change who I am.

[Modern.]

I will admit when I had a boyfriend who was interested in sex I pulled the no sex till marriage card to stall for time while I figured out how to tell him I was asexual.

[Tarfeather]

I will admit when I had a boyfriend who was interested in sex I pulled the no sex till marriage card to stall for time while I figured out how to tell him I was asexual.

The past tense doesn't surprise me. ^^'