MissLunarWolf Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (Sorry if this is in the wrong forum thing, if it is please move it) I was wondering:- Have you ever come across someone and think right away that a possible relationship could work? Or did you have to really get to know them first? - If yes.. Did it take a long time for you to feel comfortable enough to do sexual things? How long until you felt sexual attraction/desires for the other person? - Did you ever find a compatible partner? Is the relationship good? Any advice you'd give to an unsure, possible (hopeful) demisexual? Thanks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 People experience sexual (and romantic) attraction at two different speeds. Some can immediately feel it (or soon after meeting), and others require a bond to trigger the sexual attraction; Demisexials. This bond can be as far as marriage ready level. It just depends on the person. And there is no way to tell someone is Demisexual prior. I suggest not identifying as this until you're sure you're it; as it can create relationship problems. Being Demisexual or Gray-A isn't about being comfortable with having sex; it's about someones presence turning you on and you desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with that person. Indifference is not desire. Demi-consent (consenting after a certain bond) isn't a term, but i think it should be. And yah, Demisexuals can find partners. With the first question, are you talking about whether the person would accept their Demisexuality/Gray-A, or whether sexual attraction would develop? If it's the latter, then i already answered that, but if it's the former, then i think looking for someone who's open minded or has a low sex drive would have the best chance. Why exactly do you hope to be Demisexual? Do you think it has a higher chance in finding a partner? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Being Demisexual or Gray-A isn't about being comfortable with having sex; it's about someones presence turning you on and you desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with that person. ... Why exactly do you hope to be Demisexual? Do you think it has a higher chance in finding a partner? I guess that for me, only time will tell (in terms of desire/impulse). And I suppose it would raise my chances of finding a partner... But I was just wondering about a bunch of random things.. It started with me thinking of my ex, and how I did feel a desire to do physical things (kissing, dry humping, etc.), but not sex :S. And after a short while, I felt emotionally starved, and I feel like I didn't really know him at all. We were two very different people. It was at that point that the relationship (for me) imploded. I couldn't stand being around him (because for him, nothing had changed, and he was still desperate for sex), but now I didn't want him touching me. I was thinking that if our personalities had meshed better, and I felt more connected to him, that I would have been open to having sex... maybe. Maybe I would have developed this desire to do sexual things. But again, I guess only time would tell. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Well, dry humping is sex; it's called dry sex. So you just prefer a certain type of it but the impulse is there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IAmNoBird Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I haven't dated much, and haven't at all since I realized I was on the ace spectrum. The last guy I dated, it was a few years ago; it began when we met in our college dining hall and sparked immediate conversation. I wasn't really thinking about a long term relationship, just that I enjoyed spending time with him. I also really liked making out. He would initiate anything beyond that. Though I enjoyed it, I never felt like initiating. I can't remember when the sex questions really started coming up, but he started pushing for it, and I'd never done it so I was unsure. After about a month of dating I realized I wasn't sexually attracted to him whatsoever, and that I hadn't been from the beginning. I kept waiting to want it but it never happened. Because of that (not knowing I was ace at the time) I questioned whether I wanted to date him at all and the relationship fizzled out. The whole thing lasted about four months. Before then I dated a guy in high school for a year; I'd consider him my first love. I always assumed sex stuff would happen later but can't recall if I felt sexual attraction. I do remember him mentioning his friends saying it was weird we hadn't done anything sexual, and that I thought they were nuts. The only person I remember for certain feeling sexual attraction toward was a guy in my first semester German class, and it was pretty immediate. I might've actually asked him out if I hadn't been dating the first guy I mentioned at the time. I hope this has helped you out in some way, but keep in mind, everyone's experiences are going to be different. It's okay if you need to question your identity for a while. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
allrightalready Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 yes, yes and yes not the "love at first sight" though it seemed so with her. after a potluck dinner where we ate together (along with dozens of other people) we also went out that evening (with a friend of hers) and we talked for hours. she pursued the next day and beyond and it felt right. several months in i was comfortable enough for it but the entire time we were together (13 years until she died) her desire was stronger than mine we were quite compatible, we spent the first six months prior to full comitment talking about our dreams and hopes. the relationship was not perfect (there were humans in the relationship so how could it be) but it was better than anything i ever had before and i have had nothing in the 12 years since. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf Posted May 11, 2015 Author Share Posted May 11, 2015 Well, dry humping is sex; it's called dry sex. So you just prefer a certain type of it but the impulse is there. I definitely wouldn't say I preferred it. Or that, at the time, the impulse was there. More like the less of two evils <_< ... I liked being close with him, but there wasn't a "pull" to do any of it. In the moment, it's not bad. The less, the better. I'd rather be cuddling, gaming, walking, sleeping, or like.. doing anything else. The last guy I dated, it was a few years ago; it began when we met in our college dining hall and sparked immediate conversation. I wasn't really thinking about a long term relationship, just that I enjoyed spending time with him. I also really liked making out. He would initiate anything beyond that. Though I enjoyed it, I never felt like initiating.I can't remember when the sex questions really started coming up, but he started pushing for it, and I'd never done it so I was unsure. After about a month of dating I realized I wasn't sexually attracted to him whatsoever, and that I hadn't been from the beginning. I kept waiting to want it but it never happened. Because of that (not knowing I was ace at the time) I questioned whether I wanted to date him at all and the relationship fizzled out. That's basically the last relationship I had. Minus the great conversation. That was many years ago, after that.. well , I'm still questioning my level of asexuality :D The previous 2 lasted less than a month, and were a pretty horrible experiences. I don't recall having sexual attraction then either. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
flesh-pocket Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 i think im gray-a but also on the aromantic spectrum somewhere, ive seen people that i most probably were sexually attracted to under some definitions, but would have most definitely turned down if they asked me out/had no inclination to approach them for any reason. very briefly in the beginning of almost every relationship ive had with a guy ive had a moment or two of "are we going to get married??? is this how it starts?????" no matter if i liked them in any way or not. but that could just be part of my personality... ive never actually been on a date so the rest of your questions are moot :x Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DiamandisQueen Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 1) yes i have come across a relationship! I'm currently in one right now and I have told him very recently. he is very understanding and says that whether i want to engage in sexual activities is my choice. I am very careful with relationships, I rarely want them and they don't cross my mind 2) It's not so much about being comfortable. I am very comfortable with doing sexual things, it's more the fact that I don't want to. Whether I do or not I don't know. It may happen and it may not, depends how emotionally connected I feel with him. For the past 2 months I haven't felt any desire xx goodluck Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Strong Force Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Let me start by saying I am not Demi sexual, just Demi romantic Asexual in a relationship with an absolutely fantastic Asexual. Yes I occasionally tend to evaluate people on compatibility (I am extremely picky when it comes to people), and yes I knew almost immediately when I met my girlfriend. I didn't honestly believe it would actually happen and work out so perfectly, it takes a lot of connection for me to be romantically attracted to someone so despite being compatible it rarely happens. I needed about a month of bonding to really start liking her that way and the relationship is absolutely amazing. My advice is find people you go nicely with on platonic and romantic levels. People whom you could see developing a relationship with but whom you would also be happy being close friends with. Bonding is bonding, its really just a win win. Looking for a relationship might work but you might just find a relationship and not a person, know what I mean? Any two people can date, very few people can bond, look for people you can bond with not people you can date. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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