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Ive identified as asexual since late 2010. I've never been too sure about my romantic orientation or gender, and I've held a "it is what it is" approach to my sexuality as a whole.

As of December-5 months ago- I've had an amazing boyfriend.( I love this guy. He's breathtakingly gorgeous. He's a wonderful person. He's quirky. He's so smart)

I knew him for 2+ years beforehand, and always thought of him as a friend (although I will say I did think he was attractive then, too). But that's all. Aside from occasional musings I never considered him as anything more in potential than a friend.

Then we picked up talking this summer, and I found myself falling for him amidst the bullet-train wreck my life was at the time. By the time fall rolled around he was pressing me for a date and I (nervously) went on my first date.

Since then we've done about everything you'd expect a young couple to do. (I love sex, which comes as no surprise since I've never had a weak sex drive)

It's just is beyond me how I can have this relationship with romantic and platonic love, with aesthetic attraction, and a decent amount of sex, and still not really see anything I'm experiencing as sexual attraction. My attraction to him, my desires for him, are driven by trust and love.

If I didn't know him I'd think as I once did, that he looks nice and nothing more.

Maybe I misunderstand sexual attraction. Maybe I'm out of touch with myself.

Regardless I'm very happy in this relationship, but I'd love to hear some thoughts on this,

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The Strong Force

Have you considered that you might be demi-sexual? I had a very similar experience when I thought I was Asexual Aromantic until I met someone with whom I really connected. Don't stress over finding the right label for yourself, all that matters is how you feel ^_^ .

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Have you considered that you might be demi-sexual? I had a very similar experience when I thought I was Asexual Aromantic until I met someone with whom I really connected. Don't stress over finding the right label for yourself, all that matters is how you feel ^_^ .

I have but its more like, I love him and trust him so I'm comfortable sharing sexual experiences. I don't pursue them because I have him to engage with as much as because I enjoy them and I trust him with that intimacy.

Functionally it is the same, so it doesn't much matter, but in terms of what I'm experiencing there's sexuality, but it's undirected.

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passionatefriend61

Dude, it's totally possible to like/want/consent to sex with someone you're not technically attracted to sexually, whether you're romantic or not. I mean, it happens sometimes that sexual people have sex with others who they aren't attracted to, for some other reason or even just because they really want/need sex and that person is the most available/convenient partner they've got at the time. On a purely physical level, bodies can and will sexually respond to sexual stimulation whether it involves someone you're attracted to or not. See: porn actors, sex workers, some victims of sexual assault, aces who consent to sex with their allosexual romantic partners, etc.

I've been thinking about this recently in my own life. I'm definitely asexual in the sense that I never feel an involuntary sexual desire for specific people, regardless of what they look like or how I feel about them. I do have an active libido and I enjoy orgasms by myself. I don't feel any need for partnered sex whatsoever; if I die never having experienced it, that's cool with me. I'm not going to go looking for it or asking for it. In fact, for the most part, I feel like masturbation is significantly more convenient and logical in my case. I'm aromantic and romantic-repulsed, so there's no way in hell I'm dating anybody one way or another, although I do want queerplatonic partners (who must also be aro ace). And hypothetically speaking, if I ever decided to experiment with sex, it would never be with someone romantic because fuck dealing with someone else's unrequited romantic attraction. That said, at least in theory, I can see how I could have sex with a close friend who is also aro if they wanted to (they being sexual or gray-a) and going through an intellectual decision making process of choosing to do it, and I can see myself physically enjoying it because I enjoy masturbation. Don't know about psychologically or emotionally, because you can't predict that sorta thing, you gotta just try it and find out. But yeah, I mean, it's not hard for me to imagine enjoying sex physically with an aro friend I love and feel bonded to, though I'm sure I would never consider sex a requirement of our friendship (which makes it distinct from romantic-sexual relationships). Doing it and liking it in the moment not because I'm attracted to my friend and not because I crave partnered sex with them or anyone else for my own sake but circumstantially feeling like, "I choose to do this with someone I really care about and like and trust because they want this experience with me and I'm capable of enjoying it with them in these specific circumstances." But if they or I or both of us up and decided to one day stop having sex, it would make no difference to either of us, both being aro and loving our friendship independently of any sexual activity. Unlike romantic partners, we could drop the sex and keep the friendship just as it is. And being ace, my feelings for my friend and for our friendship would not change, whether we started having sex, stopped having sex, or whatever.

It bears mentioning, I think, that I want my two domestic/committed/queerplatonic partnerships to be totally nonsexual, thus why those friends must be ace. And I want a lot of physical/sensual intimacy with them, but I definitely would not feel frustrated, disappointed, etc by having all the physical, sensual nonsexual intimacy I want with them, without any sex whatsoever. Because I'm ace and wouldn't be attracted to them anyway. So if they don't want sex with me and I don't want sex with them, not having sex is what we default to, and it's all good. I continue to deal with my libido through masturbation and find that as satisfying as it's always been. I can cuddle, hug, caress, even kiss friends I love and never feel like it should lead to sex, not even if I experience involuntary arousal from being touched a certain way. That's very different than your garden variety sexual person interacting with someone they're actually sexually attracted to.

I'm rambling but I get what you're saying about undirected sexuality/lack of attraction going on, even though you like the sex you're having with this person. I can imagine myself having sex with a close friend but I can't imagine seeing that friend in a sexual way. (Or seeing anyone in a sexual way, for that matter.) I think if I ever find myself in a sexual friendship, the dynamics of it--because of the lack of attraction on my part--would be very practical and involve scheduling and verbal requests that could be accepted or denied. No spontaneous jumping on each other with uncontrollable desire or even sexually suggestive touching that's unasked for. And I'm sure that such a friendship wouldn't stay sexual forever.

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I'm in a relationship that's a lot like this. The difference between you and me is that I never had any sort of appreciation for sex (in fact, I would go as far as to say I'm somewhat antisexual) and that I never experienced anything resembling a sex drive before. It's probably a lot more of a shake-up for me than for you, but there isn't anyone else I'd rather be shaking things up with than my partner :blush:

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I think this is normal, and what most people experience. You'll often hear someone say "I never thought I could feel this way till I met him." Well, I believe that is what they are talking about.

As for me, hugs seem nice, but I prefer finding a place on a friend or boyfriend's shoulder to fall asleep on. It feels better. I think if I loved the guy and I noticed those certain things about him---how capable he is of taking care of himself and of others, watching him do stuff around the house, how relaxed he is around others and how happy he is with life, of course I'd want....things. Being attracted to the qualities of another human being is a timeless thing and is what keeps people together. It doesn't get much better than that.

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Hooded_Crow

Have you considered that you might be demi-sexual? I had a very similar experience when I thought I was Asexual Aromantic until I met someone with whom I really connected. Don't stress over finding the right label for yourself, all that matters is how you feel ^_^ .

I have but its more like, I love him and trust him so I'm comfortable sharing sexual experiences. I don't pursue them because I have him to engage with as much as because I enjoy them and I trust him with that intimacy.

Functionally it is the same, so it doesn't much matter, but in terms of what I'm experiencing there's sexuality, but it's undirected.

That is exactly how I feel about my partner :blush:

Nothing I feel towards him is sexual. It's like our sexuality is a romantic sensual experience we share. But not driven by sexual attraction at all.

And I don't call myself demi-sexual because nothing in the way I feel about him has changed since we started sharing our sexuality.

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