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Lesbian. Maybe gray-a.. partner off to have sex with a stranger tomorrow..


unravelling

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unravelling

Hello.

This is my first post ever and will try and keep it short. I'm in a lesbian relationship of 10 yrs and tomorrow, my partner is going to meet up with a stranger in a hotel tp have sex. I know about this because I set up her ad in Craiglist.

Before you jump up and judge me..

My partner and I have a very special relationship. We love each other to death and have the most fun together. She makes me laugh like no one and every day, we both can't wait to come home from work and be with each other. We're perfect in every other way except..you got it - sex and intimacy.

I am *possibly* the asexual - I'm not sure I'm ready to take on the label yet but all fingers are pointing to it being the answer to what/how I am and feel. I do occasionally feel the urge but its not enough for me to do anything about it. I sometimes just masturbate to get it out with no fuss. My partner used to initiate sex and I would go along but I just never could bring myself to perform oral sex on her. As a result, she has felt more and more sexually frustrated over the years and had reached a level where she started hating me for denying her. It only used to come out when she was drunk (which was almost every night).

An year ago, I told her to go get the sex outside as she's obviously not going to be satisfied by me. She didn't do anything about it but continued to disintegrate and hate me. I love her too much to see her so broken so finally, last week, I set up an ad for her on Craigslist and set her up with a fake email id to pursue the responses. Result? She' seeing someone tomorrow.

I don't know how I feel. Guilty? Relieved? Scum? Frustrated? I don't know. Just know that its not a nice feeling that's inside of me right now. I feel hollow and empty and doesn't feel like its ever going to be ok.

How will I face her tomorrow when she comes back after her tryst? How would she be feeling?

So may questions, no answers in sight.

Would love to hear if someone has had similar experiences..

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I don't have any experience in this area, but I can tell you that you're definitely not alone. I've seen a lot of people on here talk about having open relationships as a sexual compromise if a common ground can't be reached just between the two people in the relationship.

Anyway, I just wanted to say welcome and I hope everything works out for you and your partner.

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Tarfeather

I don't know. Just know that its not a nice feeling that's inside of me right now. I feel hollow and empty and doesn't feel like its ever going to be ok.

When you realize that you care more about someone being happy, than strictly having them to yourself, I think that means a lot. Please don't think badly of your partner for having other needs, or of yourself for not being able to fulfil them. Instead, try to communicate more openly about these things, try to be calm about it, and hopefully you'll be able to understand each other and arrive at a solution that both of you are happy with.

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Philip027

An year ago, I told her to go get the sex outside as she's obviously not going to be satisfied by me. She didn't do anything about it but continued to disintegrate and hate me. I love her too much to see her so broken so finally, last week, I set up an ad for her on Craigslist and set her up with a fake email id to pursue the responses. Result? She' seeing someone tomorrow.

Yeah, uhh... just because someone isn't going to be getting sex from you doesn't necessarily mean they WANT to go and get it from somewhere outside of the relationship. Is that something you even discussed with your partner before you went about arranging all of that?

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I would be more concerned about her revealing she resented you so much for not doing sex things she wanted. Based on this small snippet it doesn't seem like you're considering your own feelings, but she is more than capable of sharing hers about you. It seems like quite a big 'red flag' that this bigger than 'just sex'. The hotel hookup sounds kind of like a desperate and jerry-rigged solution to try to hold on to a relationship that has thus far lasted 10 years.

I would suggest trying to step back and re-evaluate the state of things and whether or not you are trying to persist the relationship out of the fear of whether or not you could cope without it. In my opinion, if a relationship is causing more harm (stress/worry/guilt/anger) than good, and not due to a short-term circumstance, then it's time for it to end. Relationships are not about one party sacrificing their mental well-being, it's about gaining well-being together.

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unravelling

Thank you, Tarfeather :)

That's where this development has come from - I love her too much and it breaks my heart to see her suffer. And for what? She's suffering because she loves someone (me) so much that she doesn't want anyone else but its a physical need that's driving her crazy. She's not wrong to have those desires and have them fulfilled.

at the end of the day, if this stranger tryst can alleviate some of her frustrations and can relieve me of part of the guilt - what's the harm? Ofcourse I realise it is a double edged sword and has the potential to go horribly wrong for me! Only time will tell.

Hi Philip,

Good point. I agree I didn't discuss with her before I put up that ad. But right after, I showed it to her, gave her the email address login and left it to her. If it really was the case that she didn't want it outside, she wouldn't be in the hotel right now. I took the horse to the water, I didn't make it drink.

The same day she told me there are some 'potentials' and 3 days after, that she had bitten the bullet and set up a rendezvous. I know she's as anxious and unsettled about it as I am but she also recognises that she needs to be get it out of her system before it destroys us.

I'm going to have to put this on the backburner and let it stew slowly. Maybe you're right, maybe I AM too afraid to lose her and that's why..

In which case, my bravado and "looking at it practically" are just facades...

Can't deal with more 'maybes' today so will come back to this at a later stage.

But thank you.

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Tarfeather

Ofcourse I realise it is a double edged sword and has the potential to go horribly wrong for me!

Tell her about your fears and other emotions. Don't frame it in an accusatory way, just tell her that you have these fears and negative emotions, but that you went ahead with it anyway. I hope she realizes how important she is to you, and I hope she'll be able to reassure you that these fears are unfounded. Best of luck.

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DigitalBookDust

If you are going to consider an open relationship, I'd think about finding someone you both like and trust before putting an ad on CL for strangers. That seems incredibly risky to me. You have no idea what you're letting yourself in for.

The emotional issues you mention are something that needs to be dealt with before any of this takes place, else you might lose your relationship to resentment and fear. Tell your gf how you feel; be honest with her but caring; let her know that you consider her needs, too. I'd recommend couples counseling, if necessary. a good therapist can often facilitate communication in a nonjudgmental fashion.

Best of luck to you!

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