What are you feelings on affectionate terms for people?

[DexM]

I decided to put this in the Oldies forum, mainly because I am pretty sure a lot of the younger generation just don't use these types of terms. I'm not talking about calling a loved one "Smoochy pants" or Snuggle bottom", more along the lines of darling or love, and not using these terms for loved ones. I also understand that it may be a little redundant to some of our non-UK members, but please, of course, feel free to have your say. :)

I grew up in a Northern mining town. Terms like hinny, pet, darlin', luvva and the like, were/are often used, and usually for friends or people who you care for. I also work in a community mental health team. We have some older service users, also parents/grand parents of younger people, and a lot of them respond to such terminology. But I read an article on Thursday where it mentioned that this form of greeting and familiarity is now frowned upon. In a post in JFF recently, I finished off a reply to LaMaestra with "love" on the end and I started to wonder if it was appropriate. LM is one of my favourite AVENites, I have a level of care and respect for her, I used it in a purely affectionate way, but I wonder if this is now a dying process and wanted to know what others think.

[Earth Sprite]

I decided to put this in the Oldies forum, mainly because I am pretty sure a lot of the younger generation just don't use these types of terms. I'm not talking about calling a loved one "Smoochy pants" or Snuggle bottom", more along the lines of darling or love, and not using these terms for loved ones. I also understand that it may be a little redundant to some of our non-UK members, but please, of course, feel free to have your say. :)

I grew up in a Northern mining town. Terms like hinny, pet, darlin', luvva and the like, were/are often used, and usually for friends or people who you care for. I also work in a community mental health team. We have some older service users, also parents/grand parents of younger people, and a lot of them respond to such terminology. But I read an article on Thursday where it mentioned that this form of greeting and familiarity is now frowned upon. In a post in JFF recently, I finished off a reply to LaMaestra with "love" on the end and I started to wonder if it was appropriate. LM is one of my favourite AVENites, I have a level of care and respect for her, I used it in a purely affectionate way, but I wonder if this is now a dying process and wanted to know what others think.

Love as a term, and love as an act, is always appropriate. It is above any narrow interpretations, and it's meaning will not drain in any narrow interpretation nowadays more or less common.

[catsaregood]

In Australia, men and some women who are 50yrs+ use 'dear', and less often 'love'. I've also had 'sweetheart' (not from partners, from people I didn't know). I absolutely loathe these being used on me, as generally they're indicative of a condescending attitude towards me, and/or towards women in general (even from the women). That isn't always the case, I know, and there are times when you can tell it's just a word someone has used for years, and does so automatically now. (A bit like 'hinny' I would guess. :) )

But I have found it feels different when the words are used all the time, like hinny or love or pet. I was mostly not offended by these when I visited Britain, just occasionally when I sensed a condescension behind the word, or someone trying it on. So I would say context and intention are big parts of this, and I'm not sure a blanket statement like the one in the article you read is appropriate...language is tricky... :)

[SecondMoon]

I think the increased distance between people in the social sphere makes it weird to use terms of endearment like these out in public. There's at least something, usually it's some things, that gets between us and others in such a way that it is hard to recognize and appreciate the role that they play in our lives. I suspect that in a different technological and economic environment, where you are regularly face to face with fewer people who's services you access directly for your needs, it is much easier to form and maintain this kind of custom. Ah, there's also the political environment. I was reading or possibly watching something recently about how the party system in the United States has been polarizing through the modern era (actually, I think I was listening to this on a podcast) and I think that's a process that bleeds into societal interactions outside of political dealings; I also think that it's not a scenario that's limited to the US.

(Just little tidbits to chew on.)

I feel extremely weirded out when people who are not my friends and family call me love and darling and I don't say them unless I'm joking around. If I don't love you, then I'm not going to call you love. If you aren't my darling, then I'm not going to call you darling. I also find a lot of these words to be juvenile and I'd like to be acknowledged as an adult.

[Tja]

I see nothing inappropriate in using these terms. As long as it's done respectfully. Though, it does seem to be used by the older generation.

This may be slightly unrelated, but I was brought up to use "Ma'am" when addressing a female, as a sign of respect. When women came on my truck for testing, I'd use ma'am and some women got extremely pissed-off at me.

Now, I use "Hon", as in "Honey", and no one has complained since. I'dve thought it'd be the other way around.

Perhaps it's just a matter of the older generation doing things in a set way that isn't appreciated by the next generation. Unavoidable. ;)

[dissolved]

I have no problem with the older generation doing it (my favourite is being called "duck"), but if anyone younger than me does it I find it quite condescending (they probably don't mean it that way at all) and it happens quite often because I look way younger than I actually am... And I don't use those terms when talking to someone but that's down to personal preference (and the fact that it makes me feel a bit weird).

[Tja]

I have no problem with the older generation doing it (my favourite is being called "duck"), but if anyone younger than me does it I find it quite condescending (they probably don't mean it that way at all) and it happens quite often because I look way younger than I actually am... And I don't use those terms when talking to someone but that's down to personal preference (and the fact that it makes me feel a bit weird).

I love "duck", "ducky" and "love" when said with a accent. Does not sound good in Americanese. ;)

[KittiesSong]

I've used these terms regularly with friends although I am not sure I'd use them with complete strangers. We're more of a Ms. or Mr. kind of speak when you don't really know someone.

[catsaregood]

I'd be very happy being called duck! :D And Tja, you can call me ma'am or honey anytime! :D Teehee!

[stonehengegirl]

I think it's a cultural thing. I don't see anything wrong with it. I work a job where I have to contact people from all over America and I know I'm more likely to be called hun, sweetie, or dear if I call the southern states. It's just part of the local flavor.

[Tja]

I'd be very happy being called duck! :D And Tja, you can call me ma'am or honey anytime! :D Teehee!

You can be my Honey Tummy! :D :lol:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ej0QCOu8rR

[catsaregood]

I'd be very happy being called duck! :D And Tja, you can call me ma'am or honey anytime! :D Teehee!

You can be my Honey Tummy! :D :lol:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ej0QCOu8rR

Oh.My. *faints*

That was fantastic! :D

[Busrider]

Be yourself, no matter what they say!

If its your age group's and local lingo use it.

People on this international forum should try to remain understandable but why exaggerate and become "faceless"?

Sorry, I am foreign, using my 2nd language, so I don't have a real opinion.

[DexM]

I have no problem with the older generation doing it (my favourite is being called "duck"), but if anyone younger than me does it I find it quite condescending (they probably don't mean it that way at all) and it happens quite often because I look way younger than I actually am... And I don't use those terms when talking to someone but that's down to personal preference (and the fact that it makes me feel a bit weird).

Another of my beloved AVENites has called me Ducks for a couple of years now, she's Chops , and I knew that it would be taken in the way it was meant; affectionate.

In Australia, men and some women who are 50yrs+ use 'dear', and less often 'love'. I've also had 'sweetheart' (not from partners, from people I didn't know). I absolutely loathe these being used on me, as generally they're indicative of a condescending attitude towards me, and/or towards women in general (even from the women). That isn't always the case, I know, and there are times when you can tell it's just a word someone has used for years, and does so automatically now. (A bit like 'hinny' I would guess. :) )

But I have found it feels different when the words are used all the time, like hinny or love or pet. I was mostly not offended by these when I visited Britain, just occasionally when I sensed a condescension behind the word, or someone trying it on. So I would say context and intention are big parts of this, and I'm not sure a blanket statement like the one in the article you read is appropriate...language is tricky... :)

I had no idea you would even be aware of the term hinny. That's pretty cool. 8)

I would never use it with someone I wasn't familiar with, I would say that familiarity is something that makes me comfortable enough to let my guard down and appreciate someone, and so I would never use it with, for example, someone in a shop that I had never met or someone at work who I barely knew. And I guess, as most have said, it is acceptable with a degree of respect and closeness behind it. My boss regularly calls me darlin'. I don't know if it is because I look way younger than I am and she isn't that much older than me, or if it is her way of accepting me. I don't mind at all. "Hon" was a term that a shop assistant used to use on me, I was in there every couple of weeks, and I found that to be a little unprofessional.

I can imagine sweetie being used quite a bit in Southern states of the US, and I apologise for that bit of ignorance in assuming that such words were only confined to the UK.

[Tja]

I have no problem with the older generation doing it (my favourite is being called "duck"), but if anyone younger than me does it I find it quite condescending (they probably don't mean it that way at all) and it happens quite often because I look way younger than I actually am... And I don't use those terms when talking to someone but that's down to personal preference (and the fact that it makes me feel a bit weird).

Another of my beloved AVENites has called me Ducks for a couple of years now, she's Chops , and I knew that it would be taken in the way it was meant; affectionate.

I miss Elnae. :(

[HomeBirdJen]

Due to my clothing choices and hair cut I have often been called "mate" at first glance-only for strangers to then do a double-take and apologise, to which I then confuse them further by not even being bothered about it! I do prefer female pronouns but am in no way offended by the terms "mate" or "dude". However I'm not very keen on one of my female line managers calling me "sugar" and "sweetheart", but I think that's speaking from a professional point of view more than anything.

The term "duck" is a good one, I like that! I sometimes use "chuck" at work, but this conversation has made me think whether even that's appropriate.

[daveb]

I don't use such terms myself, because I'm shy and don't like to appear too familiar, especially with people I don't know really well. Also, these kinds of terms are not commonly used generically in my part of the world. I don't mind if other people use them, even when referring to me (except for an old boss I had who called all of the guys "sport" and all of the women "sunshine" because he couldn't be bothered to learn the names of people who worked under him - he was an @ss). And there are terms I can't stand, like "bro" or "my friend".

I understand some people and cultures use terms like these, especially in the southern US where woman often refer to people as "sweetie" or "hon" or somesuch. I have no problem with that. And agree with Tja about terms like "love" and "duck" or "ducky" with a British accent. It can depend on the circumstances, the person involved, accents, etc. I can understand some people finding such terms condescending or overly familiar.

[Spotastic]

As is often the case, I pretty much entirely agree with what daveb said. :)

[Autumn Sunrise]

I agree with most of what has been said here. I think the key to being comfortable with any one of these terms is the degree of respect from the person who says it, and the amount of familiarity that exists between the two people concerned.

Having said that, there are some things that I don't like. I have to admit, Tja, that "ma'am" makes me a little uncomfortable - mainly, I think, because it feels very formal. But I'm happy with "honey" :D - to me, it has a nice, warm sound.

With "love" or "darling (especially the latter), it depends very much who's saying it. And I hate the practice that some Australian men have, of using such terms of "affection" with women they don't know, usually in a condescending manner. And Dave, I have always disliked the term "sunshine" - it's almost never used sincerely.

Dex, I'm pretty sure that Cats picked up "hinny" from English story books - I know I did :D And I love "duck" or "ducks" :D

Edit: Tja, I listened to that sound-clip - what an amazing voice! Are you sure you're not a basso profundo, escaped from the local Operatic Society? :D

[the bumbling rotifer]

I'd be very happy being called duck! :D And Tja, you can call me ma'am or honey anytime! :D Teehee!

You can be my Honey Tummy! :D :lol:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ej0QCOu8rR

Tja you are so smoooooooooooth

I feel like I've just savoured a fine whisky.

[Sally]

I don't mind being call "hon" or "dear" by other women, but not by men. I call my male companion "sweetiepie" and he doesn't seem to mind. I call my kitty whatever pops into my mind at the moment.

[Corretto]

Consciously, or not, I've virtually made all introductory terms redundant. As an NZer my informal language may appear more Aussie than any other. Thanks to modern media etc it may be a blend of Anglo & US.

I never use 'love', 'dear' or 'darling' to women. Male introductions are little changed. They're commonly just 'mate'. I have a dilemma when referring to/about close relatives. Do I use 'Mum & Dad' or their christian names? Usually I'll avoid a name at all. The same can be said for my sister.

In person, body language can make up for my failings eg just waving you're arms around or turning your head away while you speak. When writing, I just stick an 'x' and/or 'o', at the foot of a letter, or even a at the end.

[catsaregood]

We have the same thing here with 'mate', espresstretto :D Interestingly 'mate' is now used across genders, rather than just being for very masculine males (as it seemed to be originally), so it's common to call any friend 'mate', and I use it all the time! It's not usually used to someone superior to you, but it's very common to bosses to use it with underlings to make them look more human :P It's very casual, but I quite like it :)

As a joke, aussies often use 'bro', but in a fake New Zealand accent, which sounds like 'brew' (has anyone seen 'Beached az'? :D), but 'brother' is a term I can't take to. It seems to be used a lot in groups or gangs to include the group members, and by definition, exclude others. And obviously, it's very gender specific.

[Tja]

It appears that there are so many different opinions about this which makes it difficult to address anyone. It seems too individualized to have general term(s).

Sticking to a Ms., Mrs., or Mr. with their surname would be impossible for me when I'm meeting total strangers 6 at a time, every 15 minutes.

It seems cold and impersonal when I can't address them in a 1 on 1, more personal way.

Ma'am has always been the informal accepted form of address here and the formal being Ms./Mrs. "Surname".

Again, I'm confused, and, frankly, disappointed, that people are now so vehemently against a term that is a completely respectful form of address.

Cynically, I suppose the world has just become colder and less personal. Less friendly. Sad.

*I admit that I absolutely hate the use of "brother"*

[Autumn Sunrise]

I think that just shows what cultural differences there are, from one country to another. Clearly "Ma'am" sounds quite differently to me from how it does to you - no wonder misunderstandings can arise so easily :o I think in Australia "Ma'am" would usually sound quite formal, but clearly this is different for you! I'll have to remember that when someone addresses me in a way that I find a little unusual :)

"Cynically, I suppose the world has just become colder and less personal. Less friendly. Sad." I think I'd have to agree with that - I guess it comes partly from there being so very many people. Thankfully, I think this is a little less true of groups like the AVEN community - having a common cause or interest seems to foster a more caring attitude.

[Tja]

To clarify: I'm referring to the usage of "Ma'am" here, of which I am familiar.

Overall, it seems, as a byproduct of always being PC, people want to be as impersonal as possible.

[catsaregood]

It's hard - words can have loaded meanings for the people hearing them, but I think the intention of the person using them is a big part of it. I really don't like being called 'love' or 'dear' but if it's an 80 year old who has just used that word their whole lives and don't mean anything by it, then *shrug* it's cool. When it's someone using it to remind me I'm supposedly their superior 'cos I'm a girl, then I be getting angry! :D

I've just realised I've used ma'am too, at work, interestingly as a more formal thing than using the person's first name (in one of my jobs, using a first name can be too informal, using Mr./Mrs____ is too formal, so ma'am/sir are a middle ground). I've never had anyone complain about it! :O

So, yep, if someone's showing me respect, I'm generally not going to object to their chosen terms :) All that being said, only Tja is allowed to call me honey tummy! :D

[DexM]

We have the same thing here with 'mate', espresstretto :D Interestingly 'mate' is now used across genders, rather than just being for very masculine males (as it seemed to be originally), so it's common to call any friend 'mate', and I use it all the time! It's not usually used to someone superior to you, but it's very common to bosses to use it with underlings to make them look more human :P It's very casual, but I quite like it :)

As a joke, aussies often use 'bro', but in a fake New Zealand accent, which sounds like 'brew' (has anyone seen 'Beached az'? :D), but 'brother' is a term I can't take to. It seems to be used a lot in groups or gangs to include the group members, and by definition, exclude others. And obviously, it's very gender specific.

Mate is a term that is often used over here, it's probably the only non-familiar one that I would use, and I don't have a problem with it. It's a friendly one, or just used for the guy at the top of the street who you occasionally bump into as he walks his dog and I've even heard police officers use it when calming down a situation. Fella is something I use for one man in particular, he's rather fond of it too, but bro. is one I've never heard used. And please don't call me Sir! Only teachers should be referred to as Sir. ^_^

I agree with the less-friendly, PC and impersonal comments. It is harder these days to know exactly what to say, and I am of course not referring to those terms that have been and forever should be, deemed as offensive.

@Tja - I miss Elnae too. One day she will return. And we shall giggle again. 8)

Please note:

Sir Dex is wholly acceptable.

[Autumn Sunrise]

Sir Dex, I agree with you completely . . . shall I serve the (to celebrate your elevation) now or later?

It's interesting that "mate" seems mostly to be a pleasantly inoffensive form of address (apart from "Now you look here, mate!")

[Fire & Rain]

I just call my partner perv lol that's how I show my affection.