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In need of moral support


Ann4Q

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Well. This is my first post on AVEN even though I've poked around on this website so many times before, but now's the time when I'm the one who's needing help.

Here's a quick background on me: I'm 16. Living in Upstate New York. I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend and the thought of sex physically repulses me.

No on to the problem at hand.

I was at dinner last night with my parents and brother, and long story short my mom was under the impression that I was having sex. I told her, slightly jokingly simply because the tone of the conversation was slightly joking (but she was serious in her accusation), "you don't need to worry about that, I'm LITERALLY asexual".

Her and my dad burst out laughing.

So then I got more serious.

"No, I'm not kidding, you guys always think I'm kidding when I say it, but I'm actually asexual".

So they laugh even harder.

"It's a real thing!"

My dad says back to me, "these things change with time". Basically, you'll grow out of it.

So I divulge my heart and feelings to them and they don't think I know what I'm talking about, they don't even seem to think asexuality exists.

Although that's extremely disheartening, it's not why I decided today to make an account and write in.

I only learned about asexuality a little under a year ago. I didn't want sex before then, but I didn't know there was a name to what I was feeling. Once I heard it, I did soooo many online researches: definitions of asexuality, skims through AVEN posts by other aces, stupid "are you an asexual" quizzes. Anything I could get my scrolling fingers on, because there's no other asexual in my life who I can talk to (that I know of).

I've always wondered if I'm really asexual. I find very few people attractive, but there are some that I'm attracted to. Not sexually, as to say that I would want to have sex with them. The idea of sex disgusts me (personally, other people can do what they want but the idea of someone being "inside of me" in any way is repulsive to me). But I've always wondered if I'm actually asexual, or just some underdeveloped teenager who's still just a child inside, who thinks sex is gross but will grow out of it someday.

As of right now, I don't think I will grow out of it. I don't know if I'm just being influenced by the sexual world around me, or if I just have some deeply hidden secret thoughts otherwise. But as of right now I do not want sex.

So the problem really is sort of just that I don't know what to call myself. I am the #1 person to hate labels and see them as irrelevant... but it's confusing not to know what you are or what to have other people know you as. I want to call myself asexual, but I'm just scared that if it ever happens to turn out that I'm any sort of sexuality that wants sex, I'll have given actual asexuals a bad name and a false understanding from other people. That's part of the reason why I haven't made my asexuality open to everyone.

My friends say that I should call myself whatever I identify with right now, because that's who I am, right now.

But they're not asexual.

So I'd really appreciate the help of the AVEN community to help me come to terms with a more solid label for myself. I know labels aren't important, but I need some sort of moral support and this would help me a lot to get feedback from other asexuals.

So to sum this all up:

I think I'm asexual. I don't think that's going to change. But I want permission from the asexual community to call myself an asexual, because the last thing I want to do is offend you all. I had determined that I would wait until I was 23 to make a more final decision on my a/sexuality, because I figured that by then I would have realized if I felt sexual attraction or not. But that's 7 years from now, and I don't want to wait that long to understand who I am.

I just need to hear from you all, and I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much. <3

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Firstly, welcome to aven :cake:

Secondly, and more importantly, you don't need anyone's permission to label yourself. Different people define asexuality differently, and while some might not agree with you on how you use the term, they can't stop you from using it if that's what feels comfortable to you.

Personally, I don't use any label to describe myself, though heteroromantic asexual is probably the closest, if anyone asks I'll just explain to them in sentences and they seem to understand it a little better.

It can be really difficult when people don't take you seriously when you tell them about how you feel, and I think many people on this site have had some experience of people telling them they're wrong, they'll grow out of it or they're just being silly. No one else can tell you how you feel. Only you can.

I'm sorry to hear that your family weren't very accepting, but (in my experience here) the community on this site is very welcoming, so poke around the forums, see what others have to say, and don't feel pressured to conform to other peoples ideas on how you should define yourself.

Welcome to the site, here's a penguin cake:

penguin-close-up-preview.jpg

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Hey there.

So, I'm new to this site and the whole asexuality thing too. I discovered it just a few months ago and I'm still not sure about whether I can label myself asexual as well, but for your case... I think you and everyone has the right to identify themselves as whatever they want.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that your family doesn't take you seriously, it's always hard enough to come to terms with who you are and what/who you like or don't. And even more when your family thinks it's just a phase or something you'll grow old, because even if you do, it doesn't really matter, you feel that way now and they should accept it. Not question it. I can imagine it's hard for them for reasons, but it's just who you are, so label yourself as anything you want.

Sorry, I'm probably not making a much sense. I tend to talk a lot without making any sense and to get carried away. What I'm trying to say, if you want to label yourself as asexual, you have every right to and nobody can really tell you not to, since only you know how you feel.

Okay, I'll end this now. Just... Be who you are, even though I don't really know you all that much I'm sure you are amazing person and you should be able to label yourself as anything you want.

Have a nice day! :)

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i'm going to welcome you...

because i can...

so welcome...

but yeah i find some people attractive to, and would think, oh look, i am normal! even though the reason i found them attractive was because of the folds in there jacket :P (true story)

i also for the longest time thought i'd grow into it, i didn't, if you don't think you'll "grow into it" you probably wouldn't, i think...

but if you do, no problem, people change (sometimes)...

but yeah i'd go with your friends, if thats what you are now, then so it is.

...

so know for the actual reason i'm posting...

.

.

.

550x-Epic-birthday-cake.jpg

oh, wait that looks to awesome, I'm going to eat it for you ok? so here I'll give you this cake instead...

rhubarb_crumb_cake_crumbs.jpg

oops! ate that to sorry! :P

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Always be yourself. Unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin. :ph34r:

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ItWasNiceKnowingYou

I'm 17 and I feel your pain. I want to be one of the first to tell you it took alot of guts for you come out to your family and join Aven. I know you'll find the love and support we can possibly give you and if you need a friend,we are all here for you. Nothing else matters as long as you are comfortable with you.

~SimplyAce 💜

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I'll just offer...don't concern yourself with labels too much, this early on. IMO they're a valuable communication device. Take a look around the site and follow the threads you do & don't identify with. Recognise any [if any] label, or labels, you're comfortable with. Just don't 'box yourself in' to a label you haven't worked-out yourself. Welcome. :ph34r:

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Maelstrom_17

Well, first of all, you should tell your parents/family/friends that sexuality is fluid. Yes, it may change in the future or it may not change. The decision is yours, not theirs. I had a similar experience last year with people saying that "I'd grow out of it" as well. After I told them about sexual fluidity and educated them some more about their questions, the situation got a lot better. Perhaps you should give it a shot :)

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Thank you everyone for such a warm AVEN welcome, you've all really managed to cheer up my mood and make me feel more confidant about my sexuality. I think joining AVEN today has been one of the best decisions I've made in a while... and I can't wait to come back more often to keep feeling like I'm a part of something and that I'm accepted. Thank you for all the cake, I send cake all your ways, too. :) :cake::cake::cake:

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Steph Ace

Most of us that have come out experience the 'Its just a phase' response. Hopefully it becomes better accepted as time goes on like most others!

Welcome to AVEN!

black-forest-cake.jpg

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Lady Girl

Hi and welcome to AVEN! There are definitely people here who have similar feelings as you...and honestly, for some people their feelings about these things do change, and for others, they do not. Like others have said, focus more on your feelings right now and maybe a bit less on the labels. I'm glad you joined, and I hope you love being part of this awesome community!!! :)

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They're just applying logic they use with other things when they say "how do you know if you've never tried." But with something so desire/impulse driven, you don't need to try it to know you have an urge to do sexual things to/with someone. Some ppl aren't interested in women, some aren't interested in men, so if being sexually interested to both sexes can exist, then being sexually interested in neither can exist too. Ask them if they'd say that about another sexuality. (i.e. Is a gay man traumatized by women/a gay woman traumatized by men. You must be miserable not being interested in the same sex. Gay boy needs to change his mind about having sex with women. A gay woman hasn't found the right man/a gay man hasn't found the right woman. You’ll grow out of being gay/bi.) Or use their sexuality against them; "you just haven't found the right man/woman to make you gay/straight (the opposite of their orientation)." Say “I think I should know my own opinions and desires; no one has the right or even guaranteed accuracy in assuming them (future or present). Yes, they could change, but that's for me to disclose." Some ppl can't comprehend asexuality because the opposite is so highly the norm. People used to think homosexuality was a disorder; that's how ppl who can't understand something react; they reject it. People also don't typically look deeper into something they thought was basic. Being informed on something they thought they knew can make some ppl react with denial, especially when that something (the mind/emotions) cannot have physical evidence.

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Hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: :cake:

I'm sorry that your parents weren't very understanding when you tried to explain your orientation to them. For many people asexuality is a totally new concept, and it can be hard to understand. Hopefully they will come around eventually and accept who you are.

And as for whether or not you should call yourself asexual, go with whatever feels most comfortable to you. If for some reason you don't want to identify as asexual then don't, but if you do want to identify that way, then go for it. Your friends are right that it's totally okay to use a label that applies to you right now, even if it might now always be applicable. Sexuality is fluid for some people, and if for any reason you have to update the label you use you wouldn't be giving asexuality a bad name at all.

Anyway, it's very nice to meet you, and I wish you the best of luck with everything! I hope that being here on AVEN will help you to learn more about yourself, and to connect with others who might have gone through similar experiences. It really is a great place, and hopefully you'll enjoy being a member here. :)

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