I'm in a sexual relationship but I'm repulsed by genitalia-help?

[flyingsegway]

Hello,

I'm demisexual and I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 10 months now, who I met over the internet. We met recently in person for the first time and we ended up having sex, but since it was my first time I was very nervous so there wasn't a whole lot we could do.

Here's the thing: I'm sort of repulsed by genitalia. Not by how it feels but it just looks so strange to me, like even when I'm looking at myself I cringe a little. I've never been able to watch porn, I feel incredibly uncomfortable thinking about it. I'm fine with masturbation and all that but while he and I were doing things we obviously hit a road block due to this issue. He's pansexual and has had a handful of sexual partners in the past so he's not bothered by it in any way, while this is my first relationship and I have 0 experience with sex. I don't like feeling so hesitant about it because I want to make him feel good but for some reason there's a huge disconnect for me between a person and their genitalia. I love him a lot but I have a really hard time willing myself to touch him there or even seeing him naked. Is there any way I can overcome this fear?

[Star Bit]

I don't know if you can overcome it, but if you don't want to then don't do it. You're not the only one repulsed by genitals. I'm repulsed by male genitals and I've heard many others on here say it too.

[flyingsegway]

I don't know if you can overcome it, but if you don't want to then don't do it. You're not the only one repulsed by genitals. I'm repulsed by male genitals and I've heard many others on here say it too.

Thanks for your reply. :) I'm glad I'm not alone in this, but this is something I'd like to change in myself so future sexual experiences aren't so uncomfortable. My boyfriend has a pretty high libido, whereas mine is very low in comparison, so when we were doing things for the first time I was bristling with apprehension regardless of the fact I'd given him consent and that I wanted to do these things with him (I vocalized this to him as well so he understands). He's 100% comfortable with absolutely everything and I felt guilty during our time together because he was very intent on making me feel good and spent a lot of time on me, while I was only comfortable with doing minor things to him. Like I said, I really want to be able to get to a point where I can desensitize my disgust for genitals because I want to do more things with him.

[Archon]

I'm not sure this is a fear to be overcome. You might be naturally repulsed, regardless of whatever experiences you have. I'm repulsed by genitalia and I know at least for me that my aversion will never change. In any case, you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to.

It sounds to me like you don't want to have sex for your own sake but you want to do it for your boyfriend. I understand that you want to please your partner, but at what cost to you? You don't owe him sex even if he is your boyfriend. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. Plus he probably doesn't want to make you uncomfortable.

If you really want to try to change yourself then that is your decision, but there really isn't anything wrong with you as you are. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

[Wyrmcraft]

Have you considered a blindfold?

I've always loved my blindfold since I don't really like looking at myself much anyway. I imagine with partnered sex it opens up a lot of things if your problem is just visual. It would probably increase the thrill of things too, at least it would for me.

[Eh?sexual]

Definitely read the other responses, and analyze your reasons for sex. Sex is still new to you, and pretty much everyone is unsure of themselves when something's new, especially something so potentially emotionally and socially loaded as sex. Try to give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself - it takes a bit of getting used to and will likely improve as you feel more comfortable with your partner. And in the meantime, there are plenty of things you can do to make him happy without having to look, and I will also recommend the blindfold. It can be a simple way that can help with visual repulsion of genitals, as well potentially as with any sort of body consciousness that can also make you more nervous (not saying you are, just saying the blindfold has multiple uses). Blindfolds can also be just plain sexy in themselves. Don't force yourself to do anything that you aren't comfortable with, even if you feel that you "should" be okay with it. Forcing yourself to do things beyond your comfort limits just leads to bad sex for the both of you, and can just make it worse for the next time.

One thing to think about is: is it repulsion, or fear, or a combination of the both? Repulsion can be something that just is, but fear likely has some root cause (a past experience, an association you have, some warning that is stuck in the far back of your head, etc.) and that root cause is something that you can work on, but determining that root cause and designing a plan of attack is something best left to a mental health professional - its exactly the sort of thing they're trained for. Repulsion may also be worked on, similar to how someone who isn't necessarily afraid of spiders, but doesn't like seeing their ugly mugs in their face may be able to learn to accept them. This isn't something that will necessarily work though, and said person may just have a life of using adblock to block out all the pictures of spiders on wikipedia, and there's nothing wrong with that. But before you go in for battle, you have to decide for yourself: "Is this an issue that seriously affects my happiness in life? If nothing changes, what's the effect on my life? Am I doing this for myself, or for someone else or what I think someone else wants from me?" You can only make any progress at all if you're doing it for yourself and for no one else, and it will still be a long process, taking a lot of commitment from you, so you'll still end up using alternatives for any sexytime during the meantime. And like others said, repulsion may just be your normal, so don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.