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just walk away


butterflydreams

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butterflydreams

Once again, I'm finding myself considering trying to date. No, not Egyptian mummies...human people. And no, not as in guess their ages. Like going out with them as potential partners on specific dates.

I've never been part of a relationship before. I'd like to have that experience. I'd love to experience that kind of shared emotional intimacy. In the past, the lack has torn me up pretty badly, and each time I try I say "never again." I say that I've put myself out there, and made myself so vulnerable and have received so very little in return other than hurt. If rejections were bricks, I could build you a sturdy 2ft tall wall from Boston to NYC.

That history of hurt screams at me to "just walk away." Just walk away. A relationship isn't meant for you. That's not your life. Dive into hobbies. Become a better person. Write. Invent. Do this. Do that. Do everything. And I have, but it'll never fill that space.

I know and understand myself better than at any time before in my life. I'm so afraid of the hurt though. Just once I'd like to not be hurt. Just once I'd like someone to meet me halfway.

Anyone in or been in a similar situation/state of mind care to offer any words of wisdom? Encouragement? Hope?

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I can totally relate. I even started a thread earlier that is a bit similar. I've yet to be in an official relationship with anyone, but I have had some times when I was just left disappointed. People have made supportive replies there. I also feel like I could do so many things, but I still, someday, want a good relationship in my life. I don't want to feel the pain either, and I feel that since I've yet to be in an official relationship and actually "break up", I feel like that pain would be much worse. I don't want to be hurt... but I feel like I have love to give... just in a different way. But I'm afraid that my all isn't enough... I do have hope, but I feel like that may only turn against me. Yet I can't help but wonder if I really don't give up hope and eventually find that which I have been looking/waiting for. And how much relief I would have after that... I wish you good luck! :cake:

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butterflydreams

I can definitely relate to having your all not be good enough. In the handful of times I've tried to get things started with people, that thought really gnawed at me. "What if they're expecting a kiss? What if they're expecting me to say this, or do that?" All things I can't do or am extremely uncomfortable doing. I don't want someone to think that because I don't want to kiss them that I don't care about them or don't really like them. That's just not how I show affection. I always thought though that the right person would understand that. They'd want to understand that.

You could call me totally out of line, but I fail to see how a breakup would be worse than what I've experienced so far. I honestly feel that if I finally was part of a relationship, and then it imploded, at least I'd experienced it. At least I knew what it was like. Heck, it might even make the rest of my life easier.

I have to say too that I do feel as though something in me has shifted substantially between now and back in high school (approx 10 years). Back then, there weren't many people I felt any interest in at all, but there were a few, and I did...I don't want to say crush, because it wasn't "romantic"...but I did obsess on them pretty hard. Nowadays, there's no one, and I'm not even that broken up about it. It sort of feels like after failing so many times you take the hint and stop bothering.

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You could call me totally out of line, but I fail to see how a breakup would be worse than what I've experienced so far. I honestly feel that if I finally was part of a relationship, and then it imploded, at least I'd experienced it. At least I knew what it was like. Heck, it might even make the rest of my life easier.

I have to say too that I do feel as though something in me has shifted substantially between now and back in high school (approx 10 years). Back then, there weren't many people I felt any interest in at all, but there were a few, and I did...I don't want to say crush, because it wasn't "romantic"...but I did obsess on them pretty hard. Nowadays, there's no one, and I'm not even that broken up about it. It sort of feels like after failing so many times you take the hint and stop bothering.

It's fine! And I'm sorry, I really meant that for myself. Seeing other people crying and so incredibly upset, they look like a wreck. I don't want to end up like that. You have a point though, about at least having the experience. I'm just not completely sure how it would affect me and I'm not sure if it would be positive or negative... I really shouldn't think that way. I'll would and I should make it a positive thing and grow from it. I just got tired of being upset... I want to be happy and strong and I believe that I can be just that and have that control of myself. Easier said than done...

I also feel the same about "taking a hint and stop bothering", but I really don't want to waste anymore of my time on something. What I'm about to say is a little off topic, but is kind of what I want to relate the situation to. I tried and failed and tried and failed each time I auditioned for a play or musical. I thought that I was nothing but a failure and thought that I would never make it and I should just stop trying. I tried once again... I don't even know why. I thought that I was wasting my time for even trying again because I felt sure that I wouldn't make it... yet why did I bother? Sure enough, I made it... and I actually got one of the leads... in my first musical! It was huge for me! And I was so glad that I didn't give up because I didn't know that I was so close to getting that I wanted for so long.

The point is, that's the feeling... I feel like I might have when it comes to a relationship. That after trying and failing and trying and failing, at the point where I feel like I should just stop... yet for some reason I did it anyways... and that was all it took... and it felt like all those rejections didn't matter anymore because I finally got what I wanted. Maybe... all the pain wouldn't matter anymore after that reward... in this case, a successful relationship.

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nerdperson777

You could call me totally out of line, but I fail to see how a breakup would be worse than what I've experienced so far. I honestly feel that if I finally was part of a relationship, and then it imploded, at least I'd experienced it. At least I knew what it was like. Heck, it might even make the rest of my life easier.

I have to say too that I do feel as though something in me has shifted substantially between now and back in high school (approx 10 years). Back then, there weren't many people I felt any interest in at all, but there were a few, and I did...I don't want to say crush, because it wasn't "romantic"...but I did obsess on them pretty hard. Nowadays, there's no one, and I'm not even that broken up about it. It sort of feels like after failing so many times you take the hint and stop bothering.

I also feel the same about "taking a hint and stop bothering", but I really don't want to waste anymore of my time on something. What I'm about to say is a little off topic, but is kind of what I want to relate the situation to. I tried and failed and tried and failed each time I auditioned for a play or musical. I thought that I was nothing but a failure and thought that I would never make it and I should just stop trying. I tried once again... I don't even know why. I thought that I was wasting my time for even trying again because I felt sure that I wouldn't make it... yet why did I bother? Sure enough, I made it... and I actually got one of the leads... in my first musical! It was huge for me! And I was so glad that I didn't give up because I didn't know that I was so close to getting that I wanted for so long.

The point is, that's the feeling... I feel like I might have when it comes to a relationship. That after trying and failing and trying and failing, at the point where I feel like I should just stop... yet for some reason I did it anyways... and that was all it took... and it felt like all those rejections didn't matter anymore because I finally got what I wanted. Maybe... all the pain wouldn't matter anymore after that reward... in this case, a successful relationship.

I wonder that about myself too. At home I was raised to perfectionist standards and any lower is unacceptable. I lived with it for so long, even after the standards were much lower (because college standards). I really questioned why I tried so hard for a goal I could never reach. I expanded my activities to more than studying and applied the standard there, even if I was utterly horrible at it. My body is not meant for performance but I wanted to be good anyway. And another thing, I always strive to help anyone, really anyone. I signed myself up to be a volunteer tutor at a local school just to be scolded by a passerby teacher who caught me napping when my host teacher gave me nothing to do. I was even accused of being at the school just to get experience hours for a career in education. I had not been sleeping well lately, I had to get up early to tutor, and I was there out of my own free will, no strings attached. I questioned, why do I so desire to help others and get nothing but disappointment in return? I put so much effort into my only real club and no one really cared about me. Why try at anything? I brought myself in and out of dark states with these thoughts. I always get bad luck too so I'm not sure what the world wants to tell me.

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JohnCarizma

here are some motivational quote that worked to me and i still committed to those rules in every think just think about it

-In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can.

-Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

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Gallantrv2427

That history of hurt screams at me to "just walk away." Just walk away. A relationship isn't meant for you. That's not your life. Dive into hobbies. Become a better person. Write. Invent. Do this. Do that. Do everything. And I have, but it'll never fill that space.

MAN I feel you there. I've just re-entered the dating scene and it was a wreck from the get-go. Being upfront, and refusing to change myself really has helped though. I think we just have to accept the good with the bad and I know for me anyway, I have created a list of traits which were toxic in my failed relationship both in my own role and the role of the person I was dating...For me, this helps kind of nip things in the bud before it gets too serious.

I thought that hobbies, and keeping my self saturated with work and things to do would fill the void I felt in my life, but its just not the same as having a person to share those things with. Friends are great, but friends go home when the movie is over! If that makes any sense. (I'm rambling, sorry). Back to my point, if you create a list of things that contributed to things going horribly wrong, you'll be able to recognize them fast enough to hopefully handle it before it becomes a repeat.

I hope this helps

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"Every relationship ends until one doesn't."

Dating is just a fuck ton of hurt. There's no getting around it, unfortunately. I do it because I'm driven to do it... because it just happens that I fall for people... but were I to have control over that stuff? I'd stay away from dating too.

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Trava u doma

I think I can relate? I'm sometimes jealous of people who are happily in a relationship and and I do feel lonely at times... And, while it shouldn't matter, I does make me feel defective that I've never been in a relationship, as opposed to everyone else.

I've never pursued relationships, because I never feel sure if a given person is actually someone I'd like to be with and I feel it would be unfair to them if we did get together in the end (not that that would be likely to happen).

So most of the time I just convince myself that I am not a relationship material and I should follow my hobbies instead. I love travelling, and whenever I feel sad about being alone, I just plan another trip. In some ways, I do believe it is better for me not to be in a relationship (partially because of all the travelling I intend to do). But in some ways, I am just a little sad.

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butterflydreams

You could call me totally out of line, but I fail to see how a breakup would be worse than what I've experienced so far. I honestly feel that if I finally was part of a relationship, and then it imploded, at least I'd experienced it. At least I knew what it was like. Heck, it might even make the rest of my life easier.

I have to say too that I do feel as though something in me has shifted substantially between now and back in high school (approx 10 years). Back then, there weren't many people I felt any interest in at all, but there were a few, and I did...I don't want to say crush, because it wasn't "romantic"...but I did obsess on them pretty hard. Nowadays, there's no one, and I'm not even that broken up about it. It sort of feels like after failing so many times you take the hint and stop bothering.

It's fine! And I'm sorry, I really meant that for myself. Seeing other people crying and so incredibly upset, they look like a wreck. I don't want to end up like that. You have a point though, about at least having the experience. I'm just not completely sure how it would affect me and I'm not sure if it would be positive or negative... I really shouldn't think that way. I'll would and I should make it a positive thing and grow from it. I just got tired of being upset... I want to be happy and strong and I believe that I can be just that and have that control of myself. Easier said than done...

I also feel the same about "taking a hint and stop bothering", but I really don't want to waste anymore of my time on something. What I'm about to say is a little off topic, but is kind of what I want to relate the situation to. I tried and failed and tried and failed each time I auditioned for a play or musical. I thought that I was nothing but a failure and thought that I would never make it and I should just stop trying. I tried once again... I don't even know why. I thought that I was wasting my time for even trying again because I felt sure that I wouldn't make it... yet why did I bother? Sure enough, I made it... and I actually got one of the leads... in my first musical! It was huge for me! And I was so glad that I didn't give up because I didn't know that I was so close to getting that I wanted for so long.

The point is, that's the feeling... I feel like I might have when it comes to a relationship. That after trying and failing and trying and failing, at the point where I feel like I should just stop... yet for some reason I did it anyways... and that was all it took... and it felt like all those rejections didn't matter anymore because I finally got what I wanted. Maybe... all the pain wouldn't matter anymore after that reward... in this case, a successful relationship.

That's a very good story though, and my dad has said similar things to me. It's hard to believe him sometimes because his experience is different from mine, and I really really hate being compared to him. I don't want to be like him at all.

"Every relationship ends until one doesn't."

Dating is just a fuck ton of hurt. There's no getting around it, unfortunately. I do it because I'm driven to do it... because it just happens that I fall for people... but were I to have control over that stuff? I'd stay away from dating too.

Agreed, but my question is what about when it's nothing but hurt? I've told myself that I could walk away, absolve myself of any involvement or desire and move on, but I need that other path to move onto. What does it look like? Can I really live my life without knowing what it's like to experience being with someone in that way? If I could, do I want to? I'd like to think I'm getting better at that, and forging that path. Just recently I said 'hell with it' and bought a sports car. Why? Because everyone else I know is in relationships, getting married, living their lives, and I was just...well...sitting and waiting. I decided I'd rather do something totally off the wall and out of character than sit and rot. Something unique and special about me, that I have a pretty rare car. How can I be sad cruising down the road in that? Even if I am alone. A tiny part wonders though, back in the depths, won't I always feel a tiny sense of nagging about what I'm missing?

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Agreed, but my question is what about when it's nothing but hurt? I've told myself that I could walk away, absolve myself of any involvement or desire and move on, but I need that other path to move onto. What does it look like? Can I really live my life without knowing what it's like to experience being with someone in that way? If I could, do I want to? I'd like to think I'm getting better at that, and forging that path. Just recently I said 'hell with it' and bought a sports car. Why? Because everyone else I know is in relationships, getting married, living their lives, and I was just...well...sitting and waiting. I decided I'd rather do something totally off the wall and out of character than sit and rot. Something unique and special about me, that I have a pretty rare car. How can I be sad cruising down the road in that? Even if I am alone. A tiny part wonders though, back in the depths, won't I always feel a tiny sense of nagging about what I'm missing?

Ok first I'm so proud of you... sports car, damn, I want to ride! (and by ride I mean drive, and by drive I mean DRIVE REALLY REALLY FAST). I'm obsessed with driving and I would kill for a sports car! Sometimes I go into the mountains and practice my breaking and accelerating thru curves just for fun.
Sorry, got distracted by the car. These things happen. I have a 1998 Camry but that shit goes faster than you'd think...
Ok ok ok anyway. So, I'd always wonder what I was missing and it'd drive me crazy. Relationships are great. Until they end. Then they're hell. Then you do it all over again. And such is the cycle for romantic fools :D
Some people, i hear, meet a partner, fall madly in love, get married, and stay madly in love forever. I mostly consider this an urban legend, but what do I know.
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butterflydreams

Ok first I'm so proud of you... sports car, damn, I want to ride! (and by ride I mean drive, and by drive I mean DRIVE REALLY REALLY FAST). I'm obsessed with driving and I would kill for a sports car! Sometimes I go into the mountains and practice my breaking and accelerating thru curves just for fun.

Sorry, got distracted by the car. These things happen. I have a 1998 Camry but that shit goes faster than you'd think...
Ok ok ok anyway. So, I'd always wonder what I was missing and it'd drive me crazy. Relationships are great. Until they end. Then they're hell. Then you do it all over again. And such is the cycle for romantic fools :D
Some people, i hear, meet a partner, fall madly in love, get married, and stay madly in love forever. I mostly consider this an urban legend, but what do I know.

I know I know, I watched my brother get destroyed by this pretty horrible girl, but he was in high school, and I figured at that age...you don't have the experience to temper yourself, you know?

I dunno, I guess I just really wonder about it sometimes. It seems so...human, and I've never known it. The whole world seems to revolve around it and cater to it in some way. No one's ever told me how to navigate the world without it. It was always presented as such a given.

So most of the time I just convince myself that I am not a relationship material and I should follow my hobbies instead. I love travelling, and whenever I feel sad about being alone, I just plan another trip. In some ways, I do believe it is better for me not to be in a relationship (partially because of all the travelling I intend to do). But in some ways, I am just a little sad.

I don't believe that the vast majority of people out there genuinely aren't relationship material. After all, what does that even mean? Are you a good person who has love to give? Then theoretically speaking, you're relationship material for someone somewhere. Traveling alone is really tough. I've done it, and felt very mixed about it. I went to Canada (my first time out of the country by myself) for a week. I got majorly hassled at the border in large part because I was traveling alone. It really shook me up. I think the standard travel formula doesn't apply to people by themselves. I don't really know what the best way about it is.

One thing I've started to whimsically think about is getting in my sports car, bringing a change of clothes maybe and just taking off. No hard plans. No substantial luggage. See what happens. There's no room in the car for luggage anyway. I suppose I could even sleep in it if I had to. Grr, even the car has two seats. Maybe I'll just rip the second one out and covert it into a sleeping area. Take that car manufacturers and society!

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Trava u doma

So most of the time I just convince myself that I am not a relationship material and I should follow my hobbies instead. I love travelling, and whenever I feel sad about being alone, I just plan another trip. In some ways, I do believe it is better for me not to be in a relationship (partially because of all the travelling I intend to do). But in some ways, I am just a little sad.

I don't believe that the vast majority of people out there genuinely aren't relationship material. After all, what does that even mean? Are you a good person who has love to give? Then theoretically speaking, you're relationship material for someone somewhere. Traveling alone is really tough. I've done it, and felt very mixed about it. I went to Canada (my first time out of the country by myself) for a week. I got majorly hassled at the border in large part because I was traveling alone. It really shook me up. I think the standard travel formula doesn't apply to people by themselves. I don't really know what the best way about it is.

One thing I've started to whimsically think about is getting in my sports car, bringing a change of clothes maybe and just taking off. No hard plans. No substantial luggage. See what happens.

But most people are totally relationship material. Namely, they fall in love with someone and they want to be in a relationship.

You yourself wrote that there's no one you have crushes on these days, if there even was anyone in the first place. I have the same problem, I find the IDEA of a relationship quite nice, but in the end I cannot really see myself in a relationship with anyone I know. And past high school I think it's very difficult to convince people to get into a relationship with you just to see how it goes. Namely, because the main ingredient of the relationship (i.e. the attraction) is just not there.

I actually always travel alone (even been to Canada :) ) and never had any trouble. I vastly prefer it to travelling with others. So don't get discouraged. And, yes, the freedom to do anything one wants on the spur of the moment is the best part of not being in a relationship, and not answering to anyone but oneself. I actually value my freedom a lot, so it is a good reminder to have whenever I feel a bit down about always being single :)

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butterflydreams

But most people are totally relationship material. Namely, they fall in love with someone and they want to be in a relationship.

You yourself wrote that there's no one you have crushes on these days, if there even was anyone in the first place. I have the same problem, I find the IDEA of a relationship quite nice, but in the end I cannot really see myself in a relationship with anyone I know. And past high school I think it's very difficult to convince people to get into a relationship with you just to see how it goes. Namely, because the main ingredient of the relationship (i.e. the attraction) is just not there.

Yeah. This so much. This exactly. I like the idea of a relationship, but when faced with the legitimate possibility, I balk. Hard. Every time.

Maybe I've gone completely off the rails, but yes, attraction just doesn't feel like it's there for me. Even in years past, that's not what it was. I was somehow able to artificially manufacture it. I've thought about things I'd be attracted to, and even told others about them, but the response is usually that it's "way too specific." I don't think it is. It's just what I'd consider to be a generally cool person. At some point I realized, wait, why am I waiting for some other person to come along. Can I become that generally cool person? Oh, I can? Then yes, let's do that! It's not like I want to date myself, but I do spend a lot of time with myself. Shouldn't I spend it as a person who I'm happy to be?

Oh, and thanks for the travel advice/encouragement :) Since I've never been in a relationship, it's hard to say how it would be different for me, in terms of restricting certain freedom. In my mind, I feel like that wouldn't happen to me, but that's pure speculation. I am definitely planning on doing some car traveling this summer with my new car. Oh I am sooooo itching to drive it. But I have to take care of a few minor maintenance things first. This project has been a long time in the works, so I can wait.

I have a lot of very big, kinda weird, and important things all converging in the next few months. I like that. It feels like a sign that those things are meant to be.

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Some people, i hear, meet a partner, fall madly in love, get married, and stay madly in love forever. I mostly consider this an urban legend, but what do I know.

I can totally see this happening now ;)

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Baskervillain

Dating is an experience that can help shape you and the negative experiences are just as important as the positive ones but that is not to say you should not have hope for the light. You need to give people the opportunity to impress you, otherwise you'll never find someone who does

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