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Am I just Insecure?


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Hello there, I'm new around these parts but I've been reading up on asexuality and I think it fits me? I'm super confused about a bunch of things

I tried to find out if I was a lesbian or not before this and I don't really feel that way towards girls. I thought it meant I was heterosexual but I'm not really into guys either. I thought I was into guys because I thought everyone was supposed to have a crush when they went to high school. I'm 18 now and I've only had like one crush? I didn't know the color of his eyes, I didn't think about marriage, I thought about how sleek his fashion sense was and how he was nice to me. I never asked him out or anything but I realized over time that I just wanted to draw him without being awkward in asking him to sit still.. Cause he was really pretty you know? Never seen anyone like him in my neighborhood so he was special I guess. In my middle school I was picked on a whole lot for my looks but I thought everyone looked fine so I really must be the bottom of the barrel. Anyone who talks me in high school must just want a long happy relationship.

I have lots of friends now but they're all girls so someone asked me if I liked girls. I replied, "Oh yeah I like girls, who wouldn't like girls? They're great!" Then they asked me if I was a lesbian and I couldn't comprehend why they thought I did things with girls. Being a lesbian means you like to have sex with girls and you are a girl yourself. Who thinks about that stuff and tells it to someone you barely know?

I've recently been saying things like, "If anyone told me they were deeply in love with me I'd be like thanks, I appreciate it" "don't worry mom, I don't think I like anyone like that" "when I get married my husband better be okay with no sex at all ever". My mom was very supportive of this thought process but if I'm not heterosexual, I don't know what she'll think of me. She's not the most pro LGBT you've ever seen and I'm already so different from my family with my interests in anime and cute things instead of working on my cooking and cleaning skills for my husbano.
But what I wanna know is does it mean that I'm just uncomfortable with the thought of sex or that I'm asexual?

I've recently been hating when my friends or family touch me because now I know that I have a say in the matter. Does that just mean I'm insecure?

I think I understand romance too, I mean you see it everywhere. Someone goes out of their way to do something you really like and the other person appreciates it very much. Is there more to it than that, cause if there is, I don't understand romance at all. I understand plenty of sexual innuendos and I like being able to get what my friends are referring to even though I sometimes wish I didn't. Sex is just an uncomfortable topic for everyone right?

If someone were to give me a candlelight dinner, I'd be like "oh this is so pretty, its just like the movies, bring on the food!" I'm supposed to feel like its a great romantic gesture right? Like we're not just playing pretend for a fun food experiance? I realize though, I don't get when someone is trying to flirt with me. Why would they? Are they making fun of me cause they know I'm undesirable? Are they trying to sell me something?

I heard that sexual people can imagine themselves having sex with any random person, is that true for girls too? I've heard that all boys want is sex but I always thought they were exaggerating because it can't be that great of an urge! That's why I don't get why someone would go through the trouble of having a long dinner only because they want sex afterwards.

I don't want to be alone, I just want to be with someone who doesn't want sex and just enjoys my presence as much as I enjoy theirs. We could like, wait for amazon packages together and go to the post office all excited. I might be too boring for most people too given this scenario :unsure:

I don't know if all this makes me asexual or uncomfortable or insecure or what

Wow I wrote a lot, sorry for rambling like this

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Schattenschatz

The default answer, which is unfortunately vague but nevertheless true, is that only you can know what your sexual orientation is. If you don't desire sex, that probably means you are asexual, but once again that's not something I or anyone else can tell you for certain. It's about what you want and don't want, and that's something that you will need to figure out for yourself.

It does concern me a little that you said you don't know why anyone would flirt with you; that sort of statement does indicate some level of insecurity, but any issues you have with insecurity probably aren't causing you to not desire sex. In fact, from my experience it seems that sexual people who are insecure are all too aware of their sexual urges, but are too afraid to pursue others, even though they very much want to.

Also, I will not attempt to explain how other people feel - especially sexuals - but when I was younger I used to tell myself all the time that 'girls don't really want sex all that much, they just feel like they need to pretend they do because of society.' As it turns out, from what others have told me anyway, that's not true at all, and girls can be just as sexual as stereotypically hypersexual guys (some of whom do actually want sex that much). Then there are sexual people who are somewhere in the middle; they desire sex, but probably aren't imagining doing it with any random person and might even be incredibly put off by thoughts like that. However, that doesn't mean any sexual orientation is more or less 'normal' than any other; it's just a difference in preference. So I guess my best advice would just be to spend a lot of time introspectively looking at yourself and how you feel as opposed to worrying if it's 'normal' or not. If you feel insecure about yourself, that is something you should address, but not necessarily in conjunction with your sexuality, because it's entirely possible that the two are completely unrelated.

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Welcome .. :D :cake::cake:

First of all Cabana .. Asexuality is more like you feel about yourself in relation of sex stuffs and etc.. It's not a diagnosis...it's not a disease... it's a condition..

One thing that you will see there it's almost of us have passed by situations like yours... :D so we have so much common things :D ...

If you identify yourself as a asexual then you are a asexual! ... Just you will say if you are or not asexual! ... :D

We're here to support each other with their doubts ... we're here to learn and share experiences to be better people ... sooo Welcome again .. :cake::cake::cake:

** hugs >.< **

-Ghiili

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A Place With A Tree

Hello, welcome to AVEN! I cant tell you your sexuality coz thats for you to decide. Im new to this stuff too, i have known i was diffrent since i was 12, but learned the words for it this week.

I too thought i was lesbian coz i didnt really care about boys and all my "crushes" on boys were more platonic than anything (squish), but i didnt want to do anything with girls either. Lesbian is a person who feels sexually attracted to women, so if you dont want to have sex with them you most likely arent lesbian.

What you described about the boy feels like aesthetic attraction to me. In my experince its when you see a beautiful/handsome person and want to look/draw/take their picture. It has nothing to do with romantic and sexual attraction. Again, if you think its a crush i cant tell you otherwise.

Some people are comfortable with talking about sex etc. I get really analytical and objective when talking about sex and romance coz i dont personally get it.

Im aromantic myself so im not sure about the romantic stuff youre talking about, but i think the point about the dinner is just showing you care about someone and trying to make effort to the other person to see it. To me it sounds pretty much same as friendship + all the coupley stuff.

Im insecure myself and was bullied in elementary school about my looks and dont get why would anyone find me attractive either. When someone flirts with me my reaction is exatly same as yours. I think its both of them. You dont find yourself beautiful, you dont get why people would flirt with you (i think you most likely are beatiful even thought you dpnt think so)/you dont get why people want to flirt with beautiful people in first place.

Aromantic/Asexual people can feel the need for companionship. Depending on their romantic orientation they might just want friendship or some sort of queerplatonic relationship or full blown dating.

Some people do get an urge to have sex when they see someone, but i dunno really about that. Both female and male sexual people feel the need to have sex with someone = sexual attraction. If you have never felt this you are most likely asexual. I thought people were lying until i found asexuality and the definition of sexual attraction. It seems like i was the odd one out..

I have absolute no idea if this had helped you, but remember your sexuality is only for you to decide. I hope you will find your answer and support here!

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Valar Morghulis

As Schatten pointed out being insecure doesnt mean youll have less of a desire for partnered sex, it would only make it more difficult for you to get it in any case and same about girls not being all that sexual, girls can be as sexual as guys and more than some in some cases it just depends on the particular person.

You may be interested in lookin up asensual and aromantic concepts cause they could apply to you as well, youll have to read about it and figure that out.

And of course you can find someone that is ace and aromantic and wants a partnership just like you do :) It just as hard for sexual people to find a good match as for us, although we do have a smaller fish pond xD

My advice to you is just to keep reading the experiences of other aces in this forums and youll be able to figure stuff out eventually, see if you relate and digest this things better.

Good luck!

edit : also I agree with A place in that what you described as a crush for that boy sounded like aesthetic attraction.

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Thank you all for replying! I guess I have to do more soul searching like Schattenschatz said.

I am absolutely positive that I don't want to have sex but I dunno if its because I've been scared straight of it

I'll just keep on reading what others on here have said because it's helped me a lot already!

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CaptainKhaleesi

Hello and welcome!

I'm pretty new here too and figuring stuff out. It does sound like you have some insecurities to work through, but I don't think that would cause your lack of sexual desire. I used to have a lot of insecurity, particularly in Jr. High (the lost years! lol) when I was still figuring myself out and growing into my looks. I had a serious awkward phase! Haha! Sometime during high school I decided that I was just going to be myself! A lot of my insecurities came from trying to be like the "popular kids". Basically, trying to be someone I wasn't. Once I abandoned that and developed some self confidence I was much happier!

As the years have gone on, I have gained a lot of confidence in myself. I also still haven't ever wanted sex. I didn't want it before and don't want it now. In my case, my asexuality wasn't connected to my insecurities. Granted, everyone's insecurities are different so I can't prescribe an answer for you in particular. ;) I just thought sharing my experience might be helpful.

I too feel more comfortable with girls. I just find them easier to talk to and connect with. However, I can't see myself ever dating a girl or being in a serious relationship with one. I know I would never do that, so that's how I know that I'm not a lesbian. I only date boys when I date at all.

If you say you're "scared straight" of sex, that could mean you're asexual (though I can't say for sure since that's for you to figure out). A lot of asexuals feel a sense of fear or anxiety when it comes to thinking of having sex.

I definitely recommend exploring around here a little more. I highly recommend reading threads in "Asexual Q&A" and "Asexual Musings and Rantings". These have helped me figure a lot of things out. :)

Good luck! :cake:

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Hello and welcome!

I'm pretty new here too and figuring stuff out. It does sound like you have some insecurities to work through, but I don't think that would cause your lack of sexual desire. I used to have a lot of insecurity, particularly in Jr. High (the lost years! lol) when I was still figuring myself out and growing into my looks. I had a serious awkward phase! Haha! Sometime during high school I decided that I was just going to be myself! A lot of my insecurities came from trying to be like the "popular kids". Basically, trying to be someone I wasn't. Once I abandoned that and developed some self confidence I was much happier!

As the years have gone on, I have gained a lot of confidence in myself. I also still haven't ever wanted sex. I didn't want it before and don't want it now. In my case, my asexuality wasn't connected to my insecurities. Granted, everyone's insecurities are different so I can't prescribe an answer for you in particular. ;) I just thought sharing my experience might be helpful.

I too feel more comfortable with girls. I just find them easier to talk to and connect with. However, I can't see myself ever dating a girl or being in a serious relationship with one. I know I would never do that, so that's how I know that I'm not a lesbian. I only date boys when I date at all.

If you say you're "scared straight" of sex, that could mean you're asexual (though I can't say for sure since that's for you to figure out). A lot of asexuals feel a sense of fear or anxiety when it comes to thinking of having sex.

I definitely recommend exploring around here a little more. I highly recommend reading threads in "Asexual Q&A" and "Asexual Musings and Rantings". These have helped me figure a lot of things out. :)

Good luck! :cake:

Thank you! I thought I had my insecurities worked out but it all just came back to me suddenly when I started thinking about my sexuality

I don't care about being popular anymore, I'm happy with my friends and my personality. Honestly, I think I'm fantastic! Its just my looks that trouble me for some reason.

If all that's not a part of my sexuality then I think I'm a step closer to finding me an answer

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If you just had a fixation on this guy because of his looks and or mannerisms, then that's called aesthetic attraction. By itself it does not mean any kind of relationship is desired; romantic or platonic. So you may be aromantic or you may not have had a crush yet because it's rare for you. I had my first and so far only crush when i was 18. Also, some ppl require a bond to feel romantic attraction. So maybe you haven't had a strong enough one yet. Though you also don't seem to want one. Some aromantics are satisfied with having friends, close friends, or a queerplatonic relationship.

I wouldn't say everyone finds sex talk uncomfortable; it seems to be at least a 50/50 with ppl finding sex talk personal and others liking to gloat about it. Though from what I've heard of it, I'd put the latter percentage higher to maybe 25/75. Half of my friends talked sexually but i don't think they talked about their own sex life; just made sex jokes and what not.

I suppose that view on romance is right, but you're kinda missing the romantic attraction bit; which is essentially just an emotion (which don't translate well into words). It can be vaguely described as soft feelings with at least a slight fixation.

It depends on the sexual person if they can sexually fantasize about anyone. Some ppl change after puberty and do find sex the main goal; to many it is that big of an urge. That's why i think Sexuals who rarely feel romantic attraction (aka a type of Gray-romantic) is more common than we know from the ppl who do go by those combined titles.

Actually some aces use gay and or lesbian because it does not have sexual in the title.

I don't really get the dinner and sex bit either, but i think it's a form of forplay to sexual ppl; it makes them feel romantically enticed and thus sex will follow.

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If you just had a fixation on this guy because of his looks and or mannerisms, then that's called aesthetic attraction. By itself it does not mean any kind of relationship is desired; romantic or platonic. So you may be aromantic or you may not have had a crush yet because it's rare for you. I had my first and so far only crush when i was 18. Also, some ppl require a bond to feel romantic attraction. So maybe you haven't had a strong enough one yet. Though you also don't seem to want one. Some aromantics are satisfied with having friends, close friends, or a queerplatonic relationship.

I wouldn't say everyone finds sex talk uncomfortable; it seems to be at least a 50/50 with ppl finding sex talk personal and others liking to gloat about it. Though from what I've heard of it, I'd put the latter percentage higher to maybe 25/75. Half of my friends talked sexually but i don't think they talked about their own sex life; just made sex jokes and what not.

I suppose that view on romance is right, but you're kinda missing the romantic attraction bit; which is essentially just an emotion (which don't translate well into words). It can be vaguely described as soft feelings with at least a slight fixation.

It depends on the sexual person if they can sexually fantasize about anyone. Some ppl change after puberty and do find sex the main goal; to many it is that big of an urge.

Actually some aces use gay and or lesbian because it does not have sexual in the title.

I don't really get the dinner and sex bit either, but i think it's a form of forplay to sexual ppl; it makes them feel romantically enticed and thus sex will follow.

Ohh, so romantic attraction is more than the appreciation of an action, it has to do with the specific person too? I get that. A friend doing something nice for me would be better received than from someone I barely know. I don't think I'll ever understand how eating is foreplay but to each their own I guess

I could be aromantic..... being aware of a romantic action and actually feeling romanced is pretty different i suppose. BUT I have to keep looking! I might have to experiance some stuff before I'm absolutely sure. Thank you for clarifying things!

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MissLunarWolf

You sound very much like me! :P Like it's crazy, everything you said, I can relate to.

I don't think you're insecure, in fact, you sound really confident and sure of yourself and your opinions! ^_^

These might help you:

tumblr_m366elTLrw1qbtg0uo1_500.jpg

2013_05_SexualRomanticSpectrumWIDE.png

Anyways, I hope you find this site helpful! ^_^ :cake:

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You sound very much like me! :P Like it's crazy, everything you said, I can relate to.

I don't think you're insecure, in fact, you sound really confident and sure of yourself and your opinions! ^_^

These might help you:

Anyways, I hope you find this site helpful! ^_^ :cake:

Do I really sound confident? hehe thank you!

Those visuals do help me a lot but now I'm wondering if I've ever actually experienced romance. I think that I'd like romantic gestures but only because they look like a fun thing to do. I really enjoy looking at fancy things and experiencing them. The romantic implications behind the actions are lost to me though. -_- What am I gonna get across to the other person besides, "Here's something I did because I know how much you like it. Let's enjoy this together!" It seems platonic enough in my head. How confusing!

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Well, couples do sometimes or often do things in relationships because their partner likes something but they don't. People can morally enjoy things. If you honestly desire it, there is Cupioromantic; having love to give but they unfortunately can't feel romantic emotions so they'll act so without it.

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