Jump to content

No romantic feelings, but still dating?


zmviolaplayer73

Recommended Posts

zmviolaplayer73

Okay, so I got asked out by this guy a couple weeks ago and we've been hanging out quiet a bit with the intention of seeing if this will be a serious romantic relationship. It's been going great, he's super cool about my boundaries and things, and I've even started initiating contact as well (Physical contact is something I have to, for the most part, consciously think about doing, I don't do casual touching, it's not that it makes me uncomfortable it just kinda confuses me) because I noticed it makes him a bit more secure in whatever this relationship is right now. I do like him, I just don't think I ~like~ him. However, I do really want to pursue this relationship with him. I like the idea of being in a more serious relationship with him, it's just that the stereotypical passionate romantic feelings haven't made it into that idea. Am I horrible for continuing on with this thing when I don't have ~feelings~ for him, but can totally see deeper feelings being a thing?

Link to post
Share on other sites

queer-platonic?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel the same way as you do. I don't really have any advice because I wonder the same thing to be honest and interested in what other people have to respond.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zmviolaplayer73

queer-platonic?

...yeah...but he's so straight... like it's not bad it's just... he hasn't had to think about sexuality/gender things and idk if he'd know what that is... also I do want a romantic relationship

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe you're really aromantic, or maybe you're actually demiromantic and if you are, things may change. Some people have romantic feelings pretty quickly, some other people need an eternity (and I know it well as I belong to the second category).

Anyway, if you want to have feelings for this boy, even if you don't have them right now, it's a good sign in my personal experience (I also wanted the same thing with a man I eventually fell in love with one year after, and I had a good feeling about it). I can only encourage you to continue seeing each other and see if something else than friendship appears with time. Just be honest about how things are right now with him, tell him how you feel right now and how you want to feel with him in the future. Maybe you are aromantic, maybe you just need a lot of time ! But who knows ?

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Not So Impossible Girl

queer-platonic?

...yeah...but he's so straight... like it's not bad it's just... he hasn't had to think about sexuality/gender things and idk if he'd know what that is... also I do want a romantic relationship

Omg xD this is my reaction sometimes too. "But he's so straight...."

It really does seem theoretically easier sometimes to enter into relationships with queer-identifying people than straight people who have never had to investigate their own identity. It's a matter of knowing that the other person can feel empathy for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads

I think the word for a desire to be in a relationship despite lacking attraction is called "cupioromantic;" somebody correct me if I'm wrong. Otherwise, you could be demi like Rising Sun said, but don't take my word for it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zmviolaplayer73

I think the word for a desire to be in a relationship despite lacking attraction is called "cupioromantic;" somebody correct me if I'm wrong. Otherwise, you could be demi like Rising Sun said, but don't take my word for it.

...*sigh* and here I was hoping for a "simple" identity of bi-romantic... i guess it's off to research mode to see if either of those fit

queer-platonic?

...yeah...but he's so straight... like it's not bad it's just... he hasn't had to think about sexuality/gender things and idk if he'd know what that is... also I do want a romantic relationship

Omg xD this is my reaction sometimes too. "But he's so straight...."

It really does seem theoretically easier sometimes to enter into relationships with queer-identifying people than straight people who have never had to investigate their own identity. It's a matter of knowing that the other person can feel empathy for you.

Yup, we had a bit of a talk about LGBTQIA+ things and his response was "i am so confused" which I considered good, because it just means he needs to be educated instead of being horrible and not accepting.. however I don't always have the energy for education so I really hope he'll take initiative and look up things

Link to post
Share on other sites

Assuming you won't eventually become demiromantic, Cupioromantic is when someone who unfortunately cannot feel romantically but has love to give and will act romantically without romantic feelings. Hugging him because he wants/seems to want it, and having sensual attraction; an urge to have non-sexual sensual contact and have a satisfaction from it, are two different things.

Do you mean "he's so straight" as in he's so average minded that he wouldn't consider or understand what a QPR is?
It's kind of simple actually, especially with examples from shows.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): a platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make their feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

One QPR that comes to mind is Terk and JD from Scrubs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zmviolaplayer73

Assuming you won't eventually demiromantic, Cupioromantic is when someone who unfortunately cannot feel romantically but has love to give and will act romantically without romantic feelings. Hugging him because he wants/seems to want it, and having sensual attraction; an urge to have non-sexual sensual contact and have a satisfaction from it, are two different things.

Do you mean "he's so straight" as in he's so average minded that he wouldn't consider or understand what a QPR is?

It's kind of simple actually, especially with examples from shows.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): a platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make their feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

One QPR that comes to mind is Terk and JD from Scrubs.

Yeah, it's just at this point I don't want a QPR with him and also it's "so straight" in the way that he has never encounter the vocabulary/slang that is used within the queer community and as such hasn't really been exposed to anything but the general cisgender heteronormative structure of relationships. Talking about QPRs would lead down the confusing rabbit hole of queer politics and identities because of how a QPR would play into my identity and while I know it's not my job to educate anyone, I'd feel responsible for doing that because I care about him and I show that by sharing what I know, and at this point in time I don't feel quite comfortable enough to come out to him... so yeah...

Link to post
Share on other sites

So he knows you're asexual at least?

Link to post
Share on other sites
zmviolaplayer73

So he knows you're asexual at least?

ehehehehe... i don't actually know, I don't hide it and I've organized a couple events on our campus about asexuality... but ya know... people can have their heads in the sand

Link to post
Share on other sites

True; you could just be pro-asexuality and not actually be asexual. Or you could be spreading asexual awairness because you know someone who's asexual. My best friend would probably do something along the lines of what you've done if i asked her or if she saw a lack of exposure or understanding or something; if she felt that she had to act/acting so was relevant to her life.

So yah, you need to officially come out to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree with Star Bit, you really need to explain yourself to him. Otherwise you're just leading him on (regardless of if that's your intention or not), which isn't fair to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Petticoats and cuddles

My current relationship is one of ease dispite me not feeling any romantic or sexual feelings for my girlfriend and she has also said she feels the same towards me, but the majour thing that keeps us together is a strong friendship and the societies' pressures to have a partner, this way we can both say 'I have a Girlfriend/boyfriend, Do I want to risk that relationship?' I find that a relationship without romantic feelings works as good as, if not better than a relationship where someone is in love (a crazy ex who proffesed his undying love and now he has a new gf. that lasted long for him...)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tarfeather

What's wrong with just continuing as you are? You should tell him about the lack of romantic feelings, obviously, but there's nothing wrong with still wanting a relationship. That's how it worked with me and my girlfriend long before we found the term QPR.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes

So I can only speak from personal experience as a demi-romantic, but this is a lot of how my relationship with my boyfriend worked out. For me, romantic attraction (which I've felt for two people - him and another guy in hs) takes a long time to develop, but even once it does it it's not so much "passionate" as "i want to be in a relationship with you." Only with my boyfriend, after dating him for awhile, did I really develop those more passionate feelings (even then, anything sensual or touch-based requires much more thought and conscious effort than it does for him, I think, and I know his romantic feelings are mixed up with his sexual ones so even though we both experience romantic attraction to one another I think how that feels is different for each of us). But yeah, those feelings didn't come until later, even though I thought I was experiencing full-on romantic attraction when we started dating. It's possible that the biggest difference between you and me is that when I started dating my bf I didn't know I was ace or demiromantic or anything.

Now, like others have said, it's also very possible that you're cupioromantic, or something else, which is cool too.

I do agree, as well, that you should probably "officially" come out to him. That's totally up to you, of course, but I think it would be a good idea. From my experience with my also "so straight" boyfriend, I'd say not to use a ton of terms at once. Come out as ace, and maybe share a romantic identity if you have one, but don't overwhelm him with all of these new words. If this relationship is going to be a thing, you're going to need to be open and honest about your feelings, no matter how uneducated he is regarding queer stuff. My boyfriend was pretty uneducated, at least compared to my online friends (not bad compared to lots of my real life friends I guess... Texas....) but anyway, I've been able to slowly share more with him, and even though he doesn't completely get it, we're at a place where we can talk honestly about that stuff. So yeah, communication is huge.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheLycanthrope

I would say talk to him about it if you think he would be able to handle it. If you two want to continue pursing a relationship with one another then you have to be able to discuss your problems with one another. I wouldn't suddenly DROP THE BOMB sorta speak about this, as it might put him off, but drop subtle hints in conversation and then slowly move onto a full discussion.

I wish you the best of luck! ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
GwendolynAngel83

I don't see anything wrong with your relationship as it is, no matter what label you want to, or don't want to use for it. It might be a good idea to eventually tell him about your asexuality, if to just help clear away any possible future confusion, but probably not all at once. Small leading up like TheLycanthrope said might be good.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...