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Is it weird to be angry when someone shows romantic interest?


Ella96

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Anthracite_Impreza

I actually become frightened, like really nervous and sometimes outright scared. Very few people have ever asked me out/made advances (luckily I'm not pretty ;) ) but when they have my social anxiety kicks in and I start feeling that they're going to stalk me or not take no for an answer. A guy at our local carwash (I'm a regular) asked me out and it scared me so much (I thought he'd be angry I said no and hurt my car next time I went in or something) I didn't go back for months :unsure: My little cousin also thought it'd be funny to pretend to be a secret admirer over text (he'd got a new phone and a new number) and I was so scared I almost cried. I think it's because I've seen so many situations where spurned lovers have murdered their partner or something...

Wow, don't I sound a little wimp :(

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I get angry in this situation too; it feels very invasive and as though I have no control over what's going to happen. But when I've tried to explain this to my allo friends they don't understand... Do you think this is a problem specific to ace/aro people?

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I actually become frightened, like really nervous and sometimes outright scared. Very few people have ever asked me out/made advances (luckily I'm not pretty ;) ) but when they have my social anxiety kicks in and I start feeling that they're going to stalk me or not take no for an answer. A guy at our local carwash (I'm a regular) asked me out and it scared me so much (I thought he'd be angry I said no and hurt my car next time I went in or something) I didn't go back for months :unsure: My little cousin also thought it'd be funny to pretend to be a secret admirer over text (he'd got a new phone and a new number) and I was so scared I almost cried. I think it's because I've seen so many situations where spurned lovers have murdered their partner or something...

Wow, don't I sound a little wimp :(

Having a secret admirer can be terrifying... I had to deal with a stalker once. At least I knew her by sight, so, I could get away if I spotted her... If it was someone I couldn't identify, and never know if they were around? Having to keep my guard up 100% of the time, because that random stranger could be him or her? That would be terrifying... Probably would spark an instant case of agoraphobia for me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I don't know if it is common, but I felt angry at a guy once when he expressed interest in me. It made me feel romantically objectified, if that's even possible. He didn't seem interested in me as a person, it was more like "well, I don't care much about who you are or what you think/feel, but I like you anyway". He even said he thought I was perfect for him and I thought "Whaaaaat? What made you think that?!" o.O

Anyway, receiving that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but with this guy it was quite annoying. It just didn't feel flattering at all. (but I still dislike dealing with people who are sexually attracted to me even more)

Oh, I almost forgot! One time, this guy sent me a message telling me that "the only thing that would make you more perfect (for him, I imagine) would be if you preferred dogs over cats". Bitch, please! Cats are awesome! :P

I TOTALLY know how you feel about "romantically objectified". I swear, it's a thing.

When someone likes me, they usually don't know me very well and seem to view me in a one-dimensional way based on traditional/stereotypical female traits. Like they see me firstly as an attractive female and romantic candidate and secondly, if at all, as a unique individual with my own values and interests.

These are normally the same exact individuals who view permanent marriage and having babies as the be-all and end-all in life, frequently make statements that could be construed as (hetero)sexist, parade themselves as nice, good, honest, loyal, upstanding citizens, and don't understand dry humour or sarcasm. They're usually dog people as well. Not to insult dogs xD.

It's not flattering at all because who they're interested in isn't the real me, but some mentally concocted image of me that conforms to their ideals of feminine behaviour and appearance.

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Well, I don't know if it is common, but I felt angry at a guy once when he expressed interest in me. It made me feel romantically objectified, if that's even possible. He didn't seem interested in me as a person, it was more like "well, I don't care much about who you are or what you think/feel, but I like you anyway". He even said he thought I was perfect for him and I thought "Whaaaaat? What made you think that?!" o.O

Anyway, receiving that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but with this guy it was quite annoying. It just didn't feel flattering at all. (but I still dislike dealing with people who are sexually attracted to me even more)

Oh, I almost forgot! One time, this guy sent me a message telling me that "the only thing that would make you more perfect (for him, I imagine) would be if you preferred dogs over cats". Bitch, please! Cats are awesome! :P

I TOTALLY know how you feel about "romantically objectified". I swear, it's a thing.

When someone likes me, they usually don't know me very well and seem to view me in a one-dimensional way based on traditional/stereotypical female traits. Like they see me firstly as an attractive female and romantic candidate and secondly, if at all, as a unique individual with my own values and interests.

These are normally the same exact individuals who view permanent marriage and having babies as the be-all and end-all in life, frequently make statements that could be construed as (hetero)sexist, parade themselves as nice, good, honest, loyal, upstanding citizens, and don't understand dry humour or sarcasm. They're usually dog people as well. Not to insult dogs xD.

It's not flattering at all because who they're interested in isn't the real me, but some mentally concocted image of me that conforms to their ideals of feminine behaviour and appearance.

This is the best I've heard it yet ! :)

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Well, I don't know if it is common, but I felt angry at a guy once when he expressed interest in me. It made me feel romantically objectified, if that's even possible. He didn't seem interested in me as a person, it was more like "well, I don't care much about who you are or what you think/feel, but I like you anyway". He even said he thought I was perfect for him and I thought "Whaaaaat? What made you think that?!" o.O

Anyway, receiving that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but with this guy it was quite annoying. It just didn't feel flattering at all. (but I still dislike dealing with people who are sexually attracted to me even more)

Oh, I almost forgot! One time, this guy sent me a message telling me that "the only thing that would make you more perfect (for him, I imagine) would be if you preferred dogs over cats". Bitch, please! Cats are awesome! :P

I TOTALLY know how you feel about "romantically objectified". I swear, it's a thing.

When someone likes me, they usually don't know me very well and seem to view me in a one-dimensional way based on traditional/stereotypical female traits. Like they see me firstly as an attractive female and romantic candidate and secondly, if at all, as a unique individual with my own values and interests.

These are normally the same exact individuals who view permanent marriage and having babies as the be-all and end-all in life, frequently make statements that could be construed as (hetero)sexist, parade themselves as nice, good, honest, loyal, upstanding citizens, and don't understand dry humour or sarcasm. They're usually dog people as well. Not to insult dogs xD.

It's not flattering at all because who they're interested in isn't the real me, but some mentally concocted image of me that conforms to their ideals of feminine behaviour and appearance.

This is the best I've heard it yet ! :)

One thing more I've noticed is when you're romantically objectified, the person has zero interest in being platonic friends.

I can't count the number of times I've gone out ONCE with someone, hit it off in a way that DIDN'T include flirting or romantic/sexual gestures, asked if they were interested in just being platonic friends with no sexual or romantic connotations, and had them suddenly want nothing to do with me. Or worse, some would even get angry at me for not liking them romantically/sexually. as if I had just used them or something. This has even happened when I told the person BEFORE I met them that I was only interested in friendship.

Clearly a person who romantically objectifies sees no value in spending time with an "attractive" person without at least the possibility of romance or sex.

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  • 2 weeks later...
AceInhibitor

It's not rational, but I do. I've pushed away a few friends before after realising they liked me romantically. I don't know why I'm angry, I just feel helpless because there's nothing you can necessarily do to stop someone liking you. Plus with the rep teenage guys have there was always the idea they might've been thinking of me sexually and like I don't want anyone doing that unless I'm ok with it first.

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I don't mean to sound homophobic, because I am not, but the truth is the truth and I get angry when men are hitting on me. I think men are much more forward and rude when they do that. I'd probably be angry with women too if they were this forward, but they never are. Men are constantly trying to be touchy feeling and close to my face, while women are delicately flirting which is much more bearable. It's not even the fact, that I'm a heterosexual aromantic, it's the arrogance to try to hit on somebody when they aren't showing any interest in you. It pisses me off even thinking about it!

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  • 9 months later...
shibuyacrow

Ok this: "It's not normal to get angry over .. romantic advances.... however people commonly get angry or frustrated when they can't understand something"

THIS THIS THIS. I found this very helpful.

My friend who newly identifies as Ace linked me to this forum, and I confessed that I would get my hackles up when she would get her's up at someone showing interest in her. so, vicious cycle.
This point here helped me understand: I don't understand getting angry at someone confessing, (if anything I somewhat envy it), so I would get frustrated. Recognizing that her anger isn't something I understand helped quell my frustrations.

I don't know if that made sense... but as a cis-bi friend, I'd like to note as an educational step for us all that this point helped a lot in my understanding myself and ace friend.

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Lord Jade Cross
I dont think I can express how happy it makes me to see that there are people who have felt the same thing I have when others have made unwanted romantic advances.
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  • 5 months later...

I find myself experiencing anger all the time when someone shows interest in me. A few times when I would be walking home/on the bus/at school, some guy would pop up out of no where and say something like, "excuse me mam, but I think you're very beautiful" things along those lines. Other times a guy might do nothing more than approach me and try to casually talk and get in a little too close. It never fails to make me uncomfortable, then when I had time to think over what happened, I get ANGRY :angry:. The idea of having to experiencing encounters like this, no matter how nicely a guy tries to put it. I feel like I could honestly take a hard swing at them. I never have, I'm overall passive and keep my feelings under control. Anyone who has known me for a while, acquaintances, friends and definitely family, have been made aware by me on numerous occasions that if a guy tried to approach me with superficial interest, the inclination to hurt them would be there.

I've always felt like if I ever had a guy friend, (I normally keep men at a considerable emotional distance for this reason) and they had feelings for me, I'd immediately resent them and feel betrayed by their attraction. Some kid I knew in high school a year younger than me was rumored to be interested in me that way, and when I heard about it, I was still willing to talk to him and be amiable. But also from time to time did things like break a hard plastic pen in half in front of him to pretty much hint, "don't do anything stupid, you're on thin ice man." Before this I was alright with the guy and feel like we could have been friends, but the interest he may have had absolutely ruined it for me.

I think some of this anger may stem from in my experience, a weird feeling like I'm being objectified, simplified, imposed upon, disrespected, and even kind of violated by their inclinations. I know that I would be interested in finding someone if they had the right personality, but the way they approach me initially, if it's without giving a shred of evidence they are willing to really try to know me and understand who I am first. If they don't so much as know a single thing about me, or I feel like they took advantage of my willingness to let them in and be at an emotional openness with them, I have these strong negative reactions.

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I definitely get angry about it sometimes, although it's a fairly rare situation for me (luckily). Mostly it's in retrospect that I get angry -- as in, if somebody tells me later that a person was actually flirting with me or interested in a relationship, and I didn't realise it and kept on being friendly to them. It's not that I would be unfriendly to them if I knew, but I hate feeling that somebody was just wanting to talk to me because they might be romantically (or worse to me, sexually) interested in me, and it really bothers me to find out about it. I do have to say find out about it, because unless somebody actually says it bluntly to my face -- and apparently that's not the done thing -- I'll never know about it else. If somebody were to come up and say something obviously flirtatious out of the blue, I would probably get quite angry. It has thankfully never happened.

So yeah, I think some level of anger or at least annoyance is not uncommon. I'd also agree with the person who said you should probably be a bit more careful about your responses to people, though; they probably think they're being completely reasonable, and for most of the population they probably are, so maybe a "sorry, not interested" would be better. I think it's completely understandable and indeed reasonable to be upset with people seeing you in a way that you really don't want to be seen, and especially with them acting accordingly. Lashing out about it, though, not so much (not that it's probably easy not to do so; I know for me it isn't).

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Hi all, so I'm not sure if I'm aromantic, but I'm fairly certain I'm asexual.

So I joined a dating site twice this year, not sure what I was looking for, but both times I quit soon after joining. I got a lot of messages but only messaged a few back. It was very friendly, not romantic, but then I was talking to one guy about being shy, he said he was too, and then said, "it must mean we like eachother". I went into a rage, I wanted to say something along the lines of, "you can't just assume I like you, I don't know you, I'm not interested in you". Except a much harsher version, I wanted to be very mean to this guy. Shortly afterwards I made a BS reason to not continue talking to him, and deleted my account precisely 24 hours after joining. I wanted to quit earlier, but 24 hours was the minimum before quitting.

The second attempt was much the same, except I ended all conversations after a few minutes.

Recently, my boss's mom has been trying to set me up with her 24 year old stepson. I know that he is what most people would consider handsome, and there's really no reason I shouldn't be interested. I'm a waitress, and he has come into my work twice and ordered food, both times he has tried to talk to me, and I didn't really mind, but I also just wanted him to leave. Then he asked me out for coffee, and I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. WHT DID I DO THAT. I have no idea, and I'm so angry at myself. I had to force myself to reply to his, "hi, how are you?" text with, "good, I'm out with friends and can't text" such BS. The idea of going out on a date with him makes me feel like boiling water has been poured into my stomach. Graphic, I know, but I can't really think of a better way to explain it. I've felt the same way when guy friends have shown romantic interest, I feel intense anger at little gestures, and smiles thrown my way.

That's the feeling I get when I think about going on a date with any real person. Dates with fictional guys that I make up in my mind seem wonderful. We'd play video games, eat ice cream, and make stupid jokes. I know my idea of a date isn't necessarily what most women imagine. I think I want a relationship, but maybe I just want a really really close male friend. Do people ever spend their lives with a very close friend? I want someone to raise some kids with (adopted), and grow old with, but with no kissing, hugging, and cuddling is fine, but no real romance. I think my perfect relationship would be with a gay man, so there's no possibility of romance, but I know that's not really plausible :P

Anyway, thanks for reading this long and drawn out post, but I just really want to know, does anyone get this same feeling?

Well, I think is weird to join a dating site and get angry because somebody show interest in you, very weird in fact.

Something different is that if this person was rude, but it wasnt the case.

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  • 6 months later...

late in the game but Iknow what you're getting at as well. the rational side knows that when someone shows romantic interest in me, it can't be helped. they feel what they feel and i feel what i feel but I get so pissed at him because of it and I'm not sure if its normal or not but it is what it is. If people worry about me like did i get home safe, I feel cared for but from a guy i know is romantically interested in me, for some reason I'm pissed at him and think he has no right to care for me like that. its sucks feeling angry and when he told me he liked me all i can think of is how he ruined our friendship. I feel so guilty and stupid for feeling angry when I know there's no need to be. it's frustrating.

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Arvid of Rivendell
On 4/25/2015 at 11:43 AM, Ella96 said:

Then he asked me out for coffee, and I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. WHT DID I DO THAT. I have no idea, and I'm so angry at myself. I had to force myself to reply to his, "hi, how are you?" text with, "good, I'm out with friends and can't text" such BS. 

THIS. I know this feeling. I recently gave my number (whywhywhy?!) to a guy who had been taking my hand (gross) and giving me soppy looks (even more gross). He thinks I'm a girl, so he told me how beautiful I am instead of complimenting my piano-playing skills or literally anything else because "you're beautiful" is not the only compliment women want to hear! I haven't been responding to his texts (very mature, I know) and he hasn't tried to text for a few days, so hopefully he'll just leave me alone. 

Based on this experience: I don't know really get angryjust really annoyed and grossed-out. I never expect anyone to be romantically interested me, and when it happens, it's a million times worse than I ever think it will be. Romance, when applied to me, is really cringe-y and gross. 

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Arvid of Rivendell
On 4/25/2015 at 11:43 AM, Ella96 said:

Then he asked me out for coffee, and I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. WHT DID I DO THAT. I have no idea, and I'm so angry at myself. I had to force myself to reply to his, "hi, how are you?" text with, "good, I'm out with friends and can't text" such BS. 

THIS. I know this feeling. I recently gave my number (whywhywhy?!) to a guy who had been taking my hand (gross) and giving me soppy looks (even more gross). He thinks I'm a girl, so he told me how beautiful I am instead of complimenting my piano-playing skills or literally anything else because "you're beautiful" is not the only compliment women want to hear! I haven't been responding to his texts (very mature, I know) and he hasn't tried to text for a few days, so hopefully he'll just leave me alone. 

Based on this experience: I don't know really get angryjust really annoyed and grossed-out. I never expect anyone to be romantically interested me, and when it happens, it's a million times worse than I ever think it will be. Romance, when applied to me, is really cringe-y and gross. 

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I hate it when people assume that if you are single you are looking for a partner.  You are supposed to be grateful if they ask you out.  It just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

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