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Is it weird to be angry when someone shows romantic interest?


Ella96

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Hi all, so I'm not sure if I'm aromantic, but I'm fairly certain I'm asexual.

So I joined a dating site twice this year, not sure what I was looking for, but both times I quit soon after joining. I got a lot of messages but only messaged a few back. It was very friendly, not romantic, but then I was talking to one guy about being shy, he said he was too, and then said, "it must mean we like eachother". I went into a rage, I wanted to say something along the lines of, "you can't just assume I like you, I don't know you, I'm not interested in you". Except a much harsher version, I wanted to be very mean to this guy. Shortly afterwards I made a BS reason to not continue talking to him, and deleted my account precisely 24 hours after joining. I wanted to quit earlier, but 24 hours was the minimum before quitting.

The second attempt was much the same, except I ended all conversations after a few minutes.

Recently, my boss's mom has been trying to set me up with her 24 year old stepson. I know that he is what most people would consider handsome, and there's really no reason I shouldn't be interested. I'm a waitress, and he has come into my work twice and ordered food, both times he has tried to talk to me, and I didn't really mind, but I also just wanted him to leave. Then he asked me out for coffee, and I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. WHT DID I DO THAT. I have no idea, and I'm so angry at myself. I had to force myself to reply to his, "hi, how are you?" text with, "good, I'm out with friends and can't text" such BS. The idea of going out on a date with him makes me feel like boiling water has been poured into my stomach. Graphic, I know, but I can't really think of a better way to explain it. I've felt the same way when guy friends have shown romantic interest, I feel intense anger at little gestures, and smiles thrown my way.

That's the feeling I get when I think about going on a date with any real person. Dates with fictional guys that I make up in my mind seem wonderful. We'd play video games, eat ice cream, and make stupid jokes. I know my idea of a date isn't necessarily what most women imagine. I think I want a relationship, but maybe I just want a really really close male friend. Do people ever spend their lives with a very close friend? I want someone to raise some kids with (adopted), and grow old with, but with no kissing, hugging, and cuddling is fine, but no real romance. I think my perfect relationship would be with a gay man, so there's no possibility of romance, but I know that's not really plausible :P

Anyway, thanks for reading this long and drawn out post, but I just really want to know, does anyone get this same feeling?

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I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but, yes, I do have a similar reaction. It's like they are invading my personal space if they show that kind of interest and I become very territorial if they go beyond a line only I can see. It's not entirely rational, but there it is. Most of the time in the past, I took pains to avoid getting into situations in which I would've had deal with this sort of interaction. Thus, avoiding guys in general became habit. It's easier that way ( for me, I don't recommend it for everyone).

I, too, would like a platonic relationship with someone who I could talk to and share things with, sans the cuddling, etc., but I can deal with being on my own for the most part.

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I don't think that's weird. I get upset when people show romantic interest in me. It makes me feel like everyone else wants romance except for me, or that I'm supposed to have romantic feelings in return. But I just don't have those feelings and I really don't want a romantic relationship.

I have really close platonic relationships with a few friends, and we play video games and make stupid jokes all the time. It seems normal to me to spend your life with a lifelong friend.

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Midnight Star

I am actually similar to this, but I do not get angry. I become guarded. The reason I feel this way is because I know that the girl I am dealing with does not normally act this way. I also know that she will not continue to act this way because this isn't even the "real her". This is some overly feminine overly polite version of her that she created for the sake of making a good first impression. (Not always the case, but it is very common)

I am also repulsed by what is commonly accepted as romance. In my humble opinion the only use a bouquet of flowers has is to be thrown into a bonfire along with valentines day cards, engagement rings, and wedding dresses :lol:

Again I do not hate romance. I just hate the way society defines it, and I hate the way some girls act when they are interested in me.

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Thanks for the replies :)

I get what you mean about feeling territorial, I didn't really think about like that, but it makes a lot of sense, I don't feel desperate for human contact, but once in a while I think it'd be nice. Sometimes I feel left out, everyone wants this one thing, and bond over the idea of romance and all that, and I feel very outside of it. At the same time though, it feels very special to be happy on your own, and not feel like you need another person. I've never understood why flowers are considered romantic either, they just attract bugs :P I don't like the way society puts romantic relationships above all other relationships, as if friendship isn't as important

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scarletlatitude

I am the same way. I feel like I would have to initiate a relationship. There would be an application, an interview process, and then I would try hanging around him for 3-6 months before deciding. I'm not even joking.

When a guy tries to come after me, my first reaction is "holy shit abort mission!". I don't want attention at all. It really doesn't help that 95% of guys who try to act interested start out by catcalling me.

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I am the same way. I feel like I would have to initiate a relationship. There would be an application, an interview process, and then I would try hanging around him for 3-6 months before deciding. I'm not even joking.

When a guy tries to come after me, my first reaction is "holy shit abort mission!". I don't want attention at all. It really doesn't help that 95% of guys who try to act interested start out by catcalling me.

Same! Hah! I feel the exact same way! With guys who like me I have to have a "interview" with them before I even consider them for the "job."

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Answering your title question, no; it's not normal to get angry over mondane romantic advances that you do not return. You seem to be mad over the incomprehensible advances. However, people commonly get angry or frustrated when they can't understand something. It sounds like you want a queerplatonic relationship or life partner. Do you even experience romantic attraction? Is it only for fictional characters?

A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, and or displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic). They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

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I don't know that i'm comfortable saying that what looks pretty clearly like a kind of repulsed aromantic's experience is "not normal". It is what it is? And it's normal to the OP. It seems to pretty clearly be romance repulsion of some kind. And there are plenty of aros around here to greet them with... well, caramel I guess, since I doubt 'open arms' is going to go over all that great.. :)

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I'd definitely rather be welcomed with caramel :) thanks for all the replies, it's nice to hear from people who seem to experience the same things I do. Thank you for all the wonderful responses :)

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I think for me it depend on my mood and specific features of the situation. In some cases, I have sort of trained myself to respond along a certain kind of line:

1) Clearly, this person is into romantic relationships/sexual relationships.

2) They really won't get anywhere in that quest if they don't go ahead and ask.

3) Kudos to them for taking the initiative.

That's really only in cases where people manage to be direct and respectful. Other shit I have less patience for. I'll range from disappointed, to weary, to annoyed, to angry depending on the approach a person takes and how I'm feeling at the time.

Edit:

I wrote this in haste yesterday, so I wanted to come back to add that I think this response doesn't have a whole lot to do with my asexuality; I image it impacts the response, as I imagine that all things about you are playing a role at all times, but I don't think it's the overwhelming factor. It might be more like the tipping point, the Sealer of the Deal. Here are some things that occur to me:

1)I mentioned mood: I think asexuals and allosexuals alike can identify with the impact of mood here--if you're having a shitty day, all bets are off in the reaction department.

2)The approach: absolutely anyone could have an averse reaction to contact with a person if they don't like the method of initiation (i.e. maybe an allosexual would also).

3)My style of introversion is a major factor. I'm someone who needs control over the conditions of social contact at least to the extent that I feel prepared. It's like I create a box for a particular event/scenario and everything must occur within the box. Inside the box, people think I'm an extrovert (I can be quite social), outside the box, there's major opportunity for emotional volatility. I mean, everything comes in degrees and some things are innocuous (like a quick exchange if someone needs help), but people making advances and trying to sustain contact with me and attempting to have some kind of intimate conversation with me is too much within my emotional and physical personal space for too long. I just generally want to be left alone.

So maybe if I was allosexual, I would feel annoyed a little less often and flattered a little more, but I think I would still have this experience. I wonder what others think about this in the context of their lives...

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My first attempt at a relationship was with a good guy friend, we were like two peas in a pod, and it ruined everything, I still regret it, I know how you feel. If the interest is entirely sexual I don't really care, and am sometime flattered, but if it's romantic I just usually feel very angry, I know what you mean about it depending on your mood. Sometimes I just get very annoyed, or very rarely find it funny.

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It sounds like you're romance repulsed (except in fictional scenarios), which is exactly how I am. I'm romantic, but lithromantic, meaning I don't want/need romantic feelings reciprocated to be content... And I really don't want them reciprocated.

I can't say exactly why you feel the way you do, but for me, I get angry, defensive and disgusted by romantic expression directed at myself because I loathe and don't trust romance. I see is as a rouse/lie. Any romance that others have expressed towards me has always meant "I am going to lie to you, use you for sex and abandon you." It's always been selfish, hormonal bullshit. I know that romance doesn't mean that for everyone, but it's the only romance I've known, so I'm reminded of the pain and betrayal any time someone is romantic with me.

Romance with fictional characters is safe, because I can control what they think, feel and do. I know that their romantic gestures and words mean love, and not sex and using people. They aren't lies, so they're ok.

I was too lazy to thoroughly read the other replies, but I saw someone mentioned queerplatonic relationships, and I second that as your best option (just my opinion).

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A Place With A Tree

I read this and realized i too get irrationally angry when people flirt with me! I usually think they are just making fun of me and get really pissed, i cant tell the diffrence between fake and real intrest easily.

I tried dating two of my squishes i thought were crushes, and if they tried to do something with me i would just be mix of confused, akward and indiffrent. Like if we were walking together and he would want to hold my hand my reaction was: "Why? It makes it harder to walk, its hot outside and your hand is sweaty. Fine, ill do it if you really want to.."

Totally off the point, but i symphatise with you.

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I don't think it's particularly healthy to get so angry over such innocent gestures, no :P But feeling awkward on the other hand - I hear ya. Any kind of sexual interest gets thrown my way and I morph into a quivering little jellyfish immediately.

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I don't consider myself entirely aromantic, but there have been a few situations (actually, more than a few I guess) where I've had to turn people down simply because I couldn't get myself to feel anything towards them..

One time there was this boy who used to be really into me, we went to the same school and of course saw each other there every day etc. And I used to get really annoyed at him, I felt like he didn't have the right to be so interested in me. Like he was somehow invading my privacy just by having a crush on me :D

Now that I'm writing this I also realized that I've more than once got really angry/annoyed at strangers who for example wink at me or something. Like "how dare you assume I might be interested in you in any way.."

The human mind is a weird thing sometimes.

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Well, I don't know if it is common, but I felt angry at a guy once when he expressed interest in me. It made me feel romantically objectified, if that's even possible. He didn't seem interested in me as a person, it was more like "well, I don't care much about who you are or what you think/feel, but I like you anyway". He even said he thought I was perfect for him and I thought "Whaaaaat? What made you think that?!" o.O

Anyway, receiving that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but with this guy it was quite annoying. It just didn't feel flattering at all. (but I still dislike dealing with people who are sexually attracted to me even more)

Oh, I almost forgot! One time, this guy sent me a message telling me that "the only thing that would make you more perfect (for him, I imagine) would be if you preferred dogs over cats". Bitch, please! Cats are awesome! :P

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Saber Wing

You're not strange at all. Actually, what you described sounds quite a bit like how I feel when faced even with the prosect of going on a date, or the times when I actually forced myself to date people *shudders* Although, I usually just felt more sick to my stomach than anything, there were definitely times when I'd get incredibly angry, simply if they asked me to do things that a typical romantic person would not feel uncomfortable with at all, like talking to them more, going on more one on one dates. And yes, irritation, even if all they did was want to hold my hand or smile at me. It wasn't their fault. It was just that I was putting myself into situations I didn't want to be in, and I was lashing out at them for things they had every right to want from a romantic partner. I just wasn't capable of giving it.

It sounds to me like you could definitely be aromantic. Although you're the only one who can label yourself of course, and I'm certainly no expert.

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potato-chip

I feel similarly, too. If someone tries to flirt with me, I feel pretty on guard and defensive. It is like my boundaries are being violated, or the threat of that, that makes me want to protect myself. I think it is kind of healthy, actually. It means you know your limits and are sensitive to when people are trying to cross them. It helps you be true to yourself!

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I don't think it's weird at all - although for me, I only get angry if the person acts on their feelings (i.e. if I know someone likes me, but they never say anything or show it in any way, I'm cool with it).

Back in the UK I had a close male friend. One night he randomly came over to my flat and told me he was in love with me. My flatmates were going on about how 'romantic' it was, and how I should totally get with him (eww), but I felt a mixture of confusion, pity and resentment - which I still feel now, six months later. I guess in my case I was mostly angry because this guy knew very well that I was in a difficult long-distance relationship with my now husband, and that I'd had flights booked for months so I could finally be reunited with him. This guy's admittance that he LOVED me just felt like the creepiest, rudest, most invasive and disgusting thing ever. Still, I would have felt some resentment had I not been in a relationship. I felt that my friendship with this guy had been completely shattered, its dynamics turned upside down, that he'd deceived me, etc., and to this day, no matter how hard I try to be magnanimous, I cannot find it in myself to respect him. Harsh? Yep, I know. But that's me.

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Devil Kisses

I feel pretty uncomfortable when men are sexually or romantically attracted to me. When women have been attracted to me I just felt awkward.

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It's so nice seeing other people who are like me :) thank you all so so much, I feel so much more comfortable with the way I am just knowing there are people who actually know what I'm talking about, all your replies are very much appreciated! :)

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Well, I don't know if it is common, but I felt angry at a guy once when he expressed interest in me. It made me feel romantically objectified, if that's even possible. He didn't seem interested in me as a person, it was more like "well, I don't care much about who you are or what you think/feel, but I like you anyway". He even said he thought I was perfect for him and I thought "Whaaaaat? What made you think that?!" o.O

Anyway, receiving that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but with this guy it was quite annoying. It just didn't feel flattering at all. (but I still dislike dealing with people who are sexually attracted to me even more)

Oh, I almost forgot! One time, this guy sent me a message telling me that "the only thing that would make you more perfect (for him, I imagine) would be if you preferred dogs over cats". Bitch, please! Cats are awesome! :P

I get pretty unconfortable and I also tend to get annoyed or feel like a romantic object but I feel my anger is due to the fact im not allowed to have those feelings.

I usunally have little to no problem if people have sexual feeling toward me, even if they see me in a sexual object it usunally dont bother me. (Well exept if they are super creepy and respectless) and I dont have a problem with people telling me straight forward they are interested in me because they want sex, even If I dont feel the same I like there honesty and I been told by a few guys to be rather dirrect I somethimes response by "so are you doing this because you want to f** me?"

But with romance I feel really disgusted, fun thing is usunally people expect me to think opposite. People who want to get into my pants try to sound romantic to higher there chances, or my friend may ask if I am "okay if someone said they just wanted to have sex with me" where im like.. "Yeah its no problem," but when I say "ew" because someone wanted me for romance they say I am being cold, innocent, naive, unfair or that they feel sorry for the person who liked me.

I can deal with people having romantic feeling toward me but who doesnt really act on it yet it tend to be rare. Most of the people I knew who showed romantic interest would not accept a no and make me feel like s***

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Ha. When I was a teen, I would always say my ideal relationship would be with a *religious gay man. (*religious meaning he desired to be in an in-the-closet gay man, which is why he would be in a relationship with me). But now, I think that's not a good idea. Our religious ideas would clash and I wouldn't want someone feeling like they had to hide part of themselves from the world. But I do see the appeal in a gay man, because it's like we could be best friends and I could be completely comfortable with him. Good for me, not him.

Anyway, people who show romantic interest in me make me very uncomfortable. Not angry so much. Just freak me out, and I usually try to avoid them after they show interest.

People who "hit on me", however, make me VERY VERY angry. Flirting doesn't get this reaction, because I'm usually oblivious to that, but hitting on me with suggestions like "we should make out" or "you have a nice butt" -- I have violent urges after that, and I'm a very non-violent person! Interestingly enough, that anger gives me something to say, so I usually say something like "not happening."

When someone shows romantic interest, I can't find a way to say "I'm not interested." That part makes me angry at myself. I can try to avoid everyone who shows romantic interest, but when I don't say anything, sometimes the people have ended up approaching me again. And then I end up feeling horrible for them...

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I can feel threatened by romantic interest. - It usually happens when I am not confident to meet the other's demands easily / naturally. And yes the thought of "keeping shields up" doesn't make the idea of spending time with somebody more pleasant for me.

I'd recommend getting hold of dedicated phone numbers for romantic purposes. Easier to ignore these when you aren't in the mood.

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Can it be that you're not angry about the act of showing romantic interest itself, but by what it implies? The lost of the friendship and the notion that once you start a relationship you can't go back to being friends if it doesn't go well?

I sometimes get angry at the fact that people seem to always be looking for more than a friendship and it feels like you can't be just friends with someone single without others trying to put you two together.

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However you do or don't feel about the other person's interest, let me ask you to consider for a moment your response to these situations. If I were the person with whom you were chatting on a dating site and you freaked out and yelled at me because I said something totally expected in such a specific circumstance, it would really confuse me and hurt my feelings. I understand you feel upset by the idea of romantic interest, but it kind of feels like you're entrapping them... voluntarily entering situations where they are acting in accordance with typical expectations and you blast them for it. Personally I feel like you're free to get as angry as you want re: romantic attention, but if you could still act with kindness, that'd be great. Plus, guys who keep getting attacked by women for harmless gestures are the very guys who end up freaking out and hating women. I'm not saying it's your personal duty to improve gender relations, but acting irrationally angry is probably not helping them.

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I've experienced this anger.. It's not a full on rage, but more like getting a little pissed about sexual / romantic advances and feeling cornered by people you have no interest in. Single mom's, Cheating girlfriends, many with a huge age gap. And they all try to put me into their fantasy bubble and often try to act it out in reality like I don't exist. Sometimes they're rude, yet sometimes they're not to blame, and yet sometimes they weren't suggesting anything romantic or sexual at all but you anticipated ahead where it was going and panicked. I've actually blurted out something defensive once (kinda in public) it was a complete reflex ! The way I see it with ace / aro's, is that the world is intoxicated by love because, by nature, that's the only way it works. Ace's are sober to the experience. Most people realize after a long hard road to addiction that their health is all of a sudden important. They decide to go sober to regain their life. Most Ace's already have a head start on this. Gray Ace's like me are trying now and then to get a placebo-like effect from people who are interested in them but aren't actually in mutual intoxication and spending most of their time in full awareness of their awesome 'unfuckable' sobriety :)

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I only really get angry when the person who has developed feelings for me does not take no for an answer. I try to politely, but firmly reject them, and if that doesn't work, I get ruder, louder and more obnoxious. This reaction is not limited to relationship hopefuls, but, tends to be applied to anyone who I have to repeatedly tell the same thing on a daily basis.

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