Tarfeather Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 It would be just as reasonable to tell the sexual that if they can't deal, don't date an asexual. To be precise, it would be just as reasonable to tell that to a sexual who expects their asexual partner to enjoy and want sex, and feels insulted and treated unfairly that they don't. Empathy is required from both sides, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 There's a pretty big difference between "Would you be comfortable with doing this, dear?" and going into language like "I have needs"--especially if you don't accept your partner's "No" and remain pushy about it. If I started pulling that shit with my partner, she'd dump me in a heartbeat, and rightfully so--exploring boundaries is fine and healthy, but once they're found they need to be respected--and if a person's boundaries do shift for any reason, it's that person's place to inform the other partner, not the other partner's to persistently inquire about it. So.. whatever gives you the idea that the OP's boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter, is using language like "I have needs"? That's what I'm not getting. From everything the OP said, her boyfriend sounds like a respectful and reasonable person, who understandably would like to fulfil their sexual needs and, again understandably, doesn't give up on this easily. As for boundaries, I'll just respectfully disagree. I personally don't enter a relationship that I don't also consider a friendship. And friendships for me involve full honesty and the ability to talk about the things that bother you. There are no "boundaries", there are just two people who honestly and genuinely care about each other, that's all that's required for it to work. Not every relationship works like this, but a relationship certainly can work like this. Link to post Share on other sites
BerenErchamion Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 There's a pretty big difference between "Would you be comfortable with doing this, dear?" and going into language like "I have needs"--especially if you don't accept your partner's "No" and remain pushy about it. If I started pulling that shit with my partner, she'd dump me in a heartbeat, and rightfully so--exploring boundaries is fine and healthy, but once they're found they need to be respected--and if a person's boundaries do shift for any reason, it's that person's place to inform the other partner, not the other partner's to persistently inquire about it. So.. whatever gives you the idea that the OP's boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter, is using language like "I have needs"? ? Seriously? He just keeps saying he has needs her boyfriend sounds like a respectful and reasonable personWhat is "respectful and reasonable" about not understanding that no means no, exactly? who understandably would like to fulfil their sexual needs and, again understandably, doesn't give up on this easily.This is so much like rape apologia. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 As for boundaries, I'll just respectfully disagree. I personally don't enter a relationship that I don't also consider a friendship. And friendships for me involve full honesty and the ability to talk about the things that bother you. There are no "boundaries", there are just two people who honestly and genuinely care about each other, that's all that's required for it to work. Not every relationship works like this, but a relationship certainly can work like this. I definitely think boundaries are healthy and important in all relationships. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-have-boundaries-in-your-relationships/ Link to post Share on other sites
Arcticfox95 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Okay... Let's get this back in lines. Yes, he has said he has needs but even if he does he's willing to try to get our relationship work and NOT to have actual sex with me. I have said in my previous post that currently we both made compromises. He won't ask me to have sex nor does it with someone else. And I'll be helping him with sexual needs in other ways. Doing sexual stuff but not getting into sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Matthew89 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 First off, I think you should break up with him. Second, only eight months and he already wants sex? Doesn't that go after marriage, and marriage goes after a long time of a relationship? This not only goes against my religious beliefs, this also goes against common sense. Seriously, my head exploded after reading that. You also have to understand that there are many people like me whose head explodes when we read comments about tribal customs thousands of years old trying to command the modern life of people who believe themselves to be individuals and not ants. The difference between an individual and an ant is that individual looks at the current situation and acts, and ant adjusts antenna to receive command from the queen and then acts. Yes you can wait till marriage until having sex, which can work out just fine. But it's a gamble. You enter marriage with person you don't know - and you don't if you didn't have sex with that person. You have no idea how compatible you really are. So you enter marriage and then you realize oh oooops the person you married wants sex 7 times a week and you don't want at all, and then you get what, cheating, divorce or bitterness and hatred. That being said, 8 months is a long time to wait for sex for a person who is sexual. Since I can have understanding for asexual point of view I expect no less of understanding for sexual point of view from asexuals. For asexual 30 years is too fast to have sex. For sexual, 3 months can be a long time if you get along well with a partner. There's also a thing such as "personal preference" for people without antennae who have no idea that sex can be only had on 10th day of 18th month of the relationship because the ancient book says so. Link to post Share on other sites
ippn1 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Mmm, I think the wording is catching people here. The OP doesn't seem to feel like the boyfriend is being disrespectful in "pushing", but is stating his needs (which is fair) and it's up to the OP to meet them, or not. Yes, the wording of "pushing boundaries" makes it sound bad. But, as long as a no would be taken as a no (though, he could still say "I am upset by not getting X" or "I feel like I need X, which I know you're not willing to do but, what can we do about this?" etc to discuss the incompatibility and the future of the relationship) then that's the important part. can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... It varies by person. We are individuals, after all. For me, I never want to have sex. And it feels like a boring chore most the time, like being told "Lets go clean the litter boxes! It'll be fun!". If I am REALLY not interested and I do it anyway, despite knowing I shouldn't (which is totally on me) then I can feel upset, angry, a bit resentful, like I am being used as a toy, a tad disgusted (body fluids gross me out in general) and just want to get away from everyone and everything til I feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Yes, the wording of "pushing boundaries" makes it sound bad. Yeah, I don't quite get the negative connotation of that phrase? I mean, pushing boundaries is quite the normal thing in a relationship. Two people have boundaries. The boundaries are re-negotiated as the relationship evolves. Each party for obvious reasons pushes in the direction that they are more comfortable with. It's like the OP said "violating boundaries" or something. can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Assume you have a good friend of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're homosexual) and you could make them feel really good by having sex with them. Can you see why, despite caring a lot about them, you might not want to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
ippn1 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Assume you have a good friend of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're homosexual) and you could make them feel really good by having sex with them. Can you see why, despite caring a lot about them, you might not want to do it? But thats a friend - someone you care about but not someone you love! From what you wrote you are saying asexuals cant love, the best they can do is to be friend with someone and care about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 But thats a friend - someone you care about but not someone you love! From what you wrote you are saying asexuals cant love, the best they can do is to be friend with someone and care about them. No, I'm saying that there are people to whom love isn't connected to sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Yes, the wording of "pushing boundaries" makes it sound bad. Yeah, I don't quite get the negative connotation of that phrase? I mean, pushing boundaries is quite the normal thing in a relationship. Two people have boundaries. The boundaries are re-negotiated as the relationship evolves. Each party for obvious reasons pushes in the direction that they are more comfortable with. It's like the OP said "violating boundaries" or something. Uhm. Well, "pushing" itself leaves a negative feel. Because a lot of people have been "pushed for sex" when they didn't want to do it, a no wasn't respected, etc. Yes, you can discuss and work with boundaries all through life, but the wording of "pushing them" just makes it sound bad. Like being pressured. can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Assume you have a good friend of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're homosexual) and you could make them feel really good by having sex with them. Can you see why, despite caring a lot about them, you might not want to do it? But thats a friend - someone you care about but not someone you love! From what you wrote you are saying asexuals cant love, the best they can do is to be friend with someone and care about them. No. But, for many sexuals, love and romance are connected to sex. To asexuals, love and romance are not connected to sex. Sex with someone you have zero interest in sex with doesn't mean you don't love them. So, the comparison from Tar isn't too far off. I would be about as comfortable with sex with a friend as with a romantic partner, because I lack all desire for it to begin with, so attraction to the person doesn't matter ... since it doesn't exist. Of course, I love my partner differently than my friends, it's romantic feelings. But, for me, that only causes me to want to cuddle/kiss and such, not sex. The only reason I CAN have sex is because, as I said, it's mostly just boring to have sex when I lack interest in it (though, if a friend asked I would probably say no as they can go find a sexual partner, whereas in a monogamous romantic relationship that isn't an option for my romantic partners). To many others, it's traumatic and/or hurtful. And also, many people DO love their friends. Many people love their friends better than their family. Friends are not just "someone you care about" - they can truly be someone you love. Just not romantic love, usually (though there are also romantic friendships). :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Assume you have a good friend of the same sex (or opposite sex if you're homosexual) and you could make them feel really good by having sex with them. Can you see why, despite caring a lot about them, you might not want to do it? But thats a friend - someone you care about but not someone you love! From what you wrote you are saying asexuals cant love, the best they can do is to be friend with someone and care about them. Love really has nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable during sex. In order to understand, you have to break the connection in your mind between love and sex. It isn't an objective truth... it's a personal emotional response that not everyone shares. Feeling romantic love for someone does not, for all people, translate into anything sexual. This is going to be a terrible analogy but bear with me... So, my partner is REALLY into horses. Horses are her number 1 favorite thing. I do not care about horses one way or another. When she and I started dating I was like "yeah, i've ridden a handful of times, I really like it! I've kind of always wanted to have a horse!" Well. As it turns out, my indifference to horses turned into a slight, subtle dislike of horses after they were hoisted upon me with a frequency and intensity that was too much for me. At her first barn, I went out almost once a week and rode with her in the pasture. She's been at her current barn for 2 years and I've been there 3 times. it doesn't mean I don't love my partner... I love my partner more than anything in the world. But I don't connect with horses like she connects with horses. I thought I liked them until I found out what liking horses really entailed, and the more I was expected to share in an enthusiasm that I didn't share, the more I started to dread it and the more I started resenting the horse, the barn, everything. Now, I can only try to imagine what that feeling is like when applied to something as psychologically charged and intimate as sexual contact. It's got to be horrible to be expected to put your body into these situations that you don't connect with, that you don't enjoy, that ultimately become almost unbearable over time. Anyway. That's how I think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arcticfox95 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Yes, the wording of "pushing boundaries" makes it sound bad. Well yea, I admit it might sound bad but it was before we settled this situation. I felt slightly pressured back then. I wasn't sure if we could make it work. Also English isn't my first language and it was the only thing I was able to think that moment. Sorry for any confusion. But it still surprises me people make assumptions only by reading the title when I have explained the situation in posts. i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... Would you do absolutely everything for someone you love? If he/she asked you to do the one thing that grosses you most in the world? For me, it's sex. I have never had sex, and I don't want to. I find the thought of it gross. That's how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love. Would you do absolutely everything for someone you love? If he/she asked you to do the one thing that grosses you most in the world? For me, it's sex. I have never had sex, and I don't want to. I find the thought of it gross. That's how I feel. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they (or anyone else) would do or even how they (or anyone else) feel about it because it's not them in the situation (it's you!). It matters how you feel and how you feel is okay and valid, even if it's different from how someone else feels. No need to justify your feelings. If someone doesn't respect that you have feelings of your own that may be different from their own feelings, then that's on them. I could easily say "I can't imagine why someone wouldn't not have sex for the sake of someone they love," however, that's not what this is about. Nobody needs to "prove" their love to anyone else through self sacrifice (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/IMG_4279.jpg). No need to convince someone that you love them. If they don't or can't believe it (that I love them) unless I sacrifice myself for them, then they're not worth my time because we clearly have a different view of healthy "love" (and healthy sex: http://healthysex.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/difference-poster-8x11.pdf) and probably also have different (and likely incompatible) core values as a result. It's about equality- equal respect and equal treatment for individual needs and preferences. No individual person's needs are more important than the other in egalitarian relationships, therefore, no individual person is entitled to have their needs met through their romantic involvement with someone. I want an egalitarian relationship, an equal partner, where my needs, values, and feelings are just as important and where nobody feels entitled to the other person's body (http://broadblogs.com/2014/04/28/she-doesnt-want-to-do-it/). Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 can some asexual person explain to me how they feel when they have sex when they dont want it? Does it hurt? if not i cant imagine why not to have sex for the sake of someone you love... You just as easily say to a sexual "I can't imagine why to NOT have sex for the sake of someone you love." Many asexuals need to not have sex just as strongly as sexuals need to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Ghiili Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 First of all.. Hii :D ... and Welcome :D feels like home in this lovely place... About your bf-sexual-relations-troubles... I'm just giving my opnion, but, if you feel unconfortable with this situation (even trying doing this) remember that you have total control of your acts, and in the better of the options if you don't like it and he's still trying leave him...don't bring unhapiness for your live, and don't put his wants in first place of yours... I hope i could help ... g-night .. and think about....I even don't know you but you are a nice person ... you won't be alone..I hope you find someone better... :D ** sends a lot of hugss :3 ** -ghiili Link to post Share on other sites
Alex Hofstadter Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Quick warning: this comment is very Christian. @Mathew89 You don't need to have sex with someone to know him or her. There's something called rational conversation, have you tried it? I personally wouldn't marry someone that I haven't, ever, talked to, to the point that I have to sin to get some information from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 My one piece of advice would be to not have sex if you don't want it. No matter how much you love him. If you decide it's something you want to try, go for it on your terms. that may be a deal breaker in your relationship, and if that is the case don't hurt yourself trying to make a failed relationship work Best wishes to the two of you Link to post Share on other sites
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