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Bf trying to push limits


Arcticfox95

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Arcticfox95

Hi! First of all I'm new to the site so sorry if I posted this to wrong place. I also joined because of this one problem I have and I don't know what to do.

So I'm 19-year-old girl and would say I'm asexual. I have been dating with my boyfriend about 8 months and I really like him. However lately he's become more obsessed of sex but I find the idea mostly repulsive and have told him that. He just keeps saying he has needs and wants to relieve stress etc. I even told him that I don't mind if he masturbates but now it isn't enough for him.

When I was talking with him he also mentioned as one option that we would still date but he would have sex with someone else. I was pretty shocked about that. In my opinion that could be counted as cheating.

I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to have sex either. Does anyone have advice what to do?

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He's stated he needs sex. You stated you need to not have it. However, those needs aren't compatible. If he's unable to handle celibacy, then a break up may be your only option, much as it may suck.

As for the sex with someone else option - it's only cheating if he does it without your permission. Sounds like he was asking for your permission, which you didn't give, which is fine. Some people are mono, some are poly and some can be either. Sounds like he thinks he maybe could be either. You sound like you're firmly mono. Just another piece of possible incompatibility.

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Batman's Ace

One of the tricky things about him having sex with someone else is that he's likely to develop an emotional bond with them, and end up breaking up with you. On the other hand, if he can manage transparency about it, you two might be able to discuss and resolve problems before they get too big. But it's okay not to be comfortable with that; a lot of people wouldn't be.

If he experiences sex as a need, and you experience it as a need-to-not, those two things aren't reconcilable. Staying in a relationship with that big of a difference--one where the need involves cooperation that's simply not going to happen--isn't a great idea. The whole rest of the relationship could be spectacularly wonderful, but that one thing can simmer and wind up tainting everything else. You need to think pretty hard about whether your relationship is strong enough, and perfect enough, to be worth that risk. His suggestion sounds like a signal of just how important sex is to him, and if you continued to date and eventually got married, what then?

It's totally possible to love someone very much and they're just not the person you should be with. That may be the case here. On both sides.

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If he experiences sex as a need, and you experience it as a need-to-not, those two things aren't reconcilable. Staying in a relationship with that big of a difference--one where the need involves cooperation that's simply not going to happen--isn't a great idea. The whole rest of the relationship could be spectacularly wonderful, but that one thing can simmer and wind up tainting everything else. You need to think pretty hard about whether your relationship is strong enough, and perfect enough, to be worth that risk. His suggestion sounds like a signal of just how important sex is to him, and if you continued to date and eventually got married, what then?

It's totally possible to love someone very much and they're just not the person you should be with. That may be the case here. On both sides.

The above should be placed on AVEN's Front Page.

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Based on the information provided, it sounds like this is never going to work. So it's better to split now so you can both find someone more compatible.

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Alex Hofstadter

First off, I think you should break up with him. Second, only eight months and he already wants sex? Doesn't that go after marriage, and marriage goes after a long time of a relationship? This not only goes against my religious beliefs, this also goes against common sense. Seriously, my head exploded after reading that.

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First off, I think you should break up with him. Second, only eight months and he already wants sex? Doesn't that go after marriage, and marriage goes after a long time of a relationship? This not only goes against my religious beliefs, this also goes against common sense. Seriously, my head exploded after reading that.

Your personal religious beliefs are not really relevant here.

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Kuromi Akumura

First off, I think you should break up with him. Second, only eight months and he already wants sex? Doesn't that go after marriage, and marriage goes after a long time of a relationship? This not only goes against my religious beliefs, this also goes against common sense. Seriously, my head exploded after reading that.

Your personal religious beliefs are not really relevant here.

he can still be open with his opinions don't attack him for having a unpopular one

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Alex Hofstadter

My personal religious beliefs are really relevant to me.

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dandelionfluff

Three options

1. Leave his ass (sorry, it really irks me when people try to pressure others into sex. Been there, done that)

2. Have sex with him to appease him

3. Let him screw around with others. I think this is a bad idea. Since sex is such a need for him, if he does it with someone else he will most likely develop an emotional attachment to that person. Sexual people tend to attach sex to romance, so the chances of that happening are high. He will see that relationship with that other person as more valid because of the presence of sex. Since you guys are young, and younger people tend to act on lightening quick impulses, he will be quick to string you along while he's out there getting tail. In the perfect world he would be able to satisfy his needs elsewhere and still have a loving and comitted relationship with you. This ain't a perfect world.

I say go with option 1. It will suck, but 8 months is merely a nanosecond in the life you have ahead of you. You are just 19 so there is so much to do other than be stuck in a relationship where both parties aren't satisfied. And let's be real, it probably isn't going to last for life anyway, even if sex was a part of the relationship. It's a cliche but it's better to let someone go if you really love them. Deal with the pain and move on.

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Cheating... <- A term coined for monogamous jealous sexual relationships.

Are you willing to have one of them? - It doesn't sound that way. So why live to their rules?

Do you feel morally guilty at the thought of having non sexual dates with somebody else's boyfriend?

Yes, like others I guess its likely you'll loose him 95% to his new sex partner to find, but: until he finds you can enjoy your dates peacefully. And you'll know he'll be happy or making mistakes to learn from...

I guess I'd split by opening the relationship.

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Arcticfox95

So a bit of update here:

After a long talk with my bf, we have decided to give it to try. He admitted it will be difficult but wants to try once more. We found some things how to have sexy time without actually having sex to help his needs. Probably not getting any pleasure of it myself but I'm not against doing it either. If that's not working I guess it's time to split up.

And to clarify why I was such shocked about his suggestion about having sex with someone else was because it never occurred to me he could be poly. And I have known him for several years. I wasn't sure how to react to it.

First off, I think you should break up with him. Second, only eight months and he already wants sex? Doesn't that go after marriage, and marriage goes after a long time of a relationship? This not only goes against my religious beliefs, this also goes against common sense. Seriously, my head exploded after reading that.

It might be common sense to you but the eight months dating and wanting sex isn't my problem here. I'm not religious so waiting after marriage doesn't concern me.

And I know you all suggested me to break up but since he is willing to try without jumping to bed with someone else I want to give it a chance. It might last two weeks or two months but we both are willing to make some compromises (he probably even more than me)

Also thanks for you all about replying. It really made me think about all this

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Alex Hofstadter

I'm not sure if I understood correctly what you said. You're going to let him find someone else to have sex?

8 months and marriage is just my opinion, not something to force people to take. Sorry if it looked like that.

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Arcticfox95

I'm not sure if I understood correctly what you said. You're going to let him find someone else to have sex?

8 months and marriage is just my opinion, not something to force people to take. Sorry if it looked like that.

Oh no, he's with me and no one else. He's willing to try to stay with me and not having actual sex.

Also I'm sorry if I sounded rude but I'm actually from pretty religious family so I have heard a lot of that "waiting till marriage" and stuff from them and it easily makes me to see red since I don't believe in those same ideologies. Yeah, I'm asexual and not religious, so you could call me our family's black sheep.

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BerenErchamion

My personal religious beliefs are really relevant to me.

But this discussion isn't about you.

It's about someone else. Your religious beliefs are completely irrelevant to this.

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JohnCarizma

All relationships have moments like this. For asexuals, sex is often a huge issue in mixed relationships. It sounds to me like you’re not lucky you have a boyfriend who is not understanding and supportive. Maybe you could talk to him about how you feel? Maybe he doesn’t mind compromising to not have sex for you, but he just needs to vent every so often.


I would suggest maybe there are things you could do together that are “sexual” but do not involve sex? For instance, maybe you might be okay with giving him a handjob? Or perhaps you could engage with him in dirty talk while he masturbates, so he could feel like you were involved in the process? That being said, please do not do anything you do not feel comfortable with. You don’t own anyone sex, okay?if he really loves you he would be so understanding and keep your relationship lasts for ever


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I was going to comment as well, but I see you have already talked to him and both of you reached an understanding.

I'm happy for you, and I believe it doesn't matter if your relationship lasts a week or 50 years, what's important is that he makes you happy and that you both enjoy the time you spend together.

So best of luck to you!

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(Hey there, another Finn!)

First off, I had the same reaction as dandelion - I hate people who try to pressure others to have sex. But then again who am I to say what he might/might not feel like he "needs" in your relationship..

Anyway, I'm glad you two seem to have found a way to make it work at least for now. I feel like what JohnCarizma said is very important: always remember that you don't need to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. He doesn't get hurt from not having sex with you, but you could get emotionally seriously hurt from being pressured to do it.

And by the way, from what I've understood 8 months and having sex is not at all uncommon, at least not here.. In fact when I started using birth control (for other than contraceptive reasons) our nurse reminded me to still use a condom because of stds and said something along the lines "after six months [of being together] it's ok to leave the condom out", implying that me and my boyfriend would have had sex multiple times before that anyway... (not that I ever had any kind of partner anyway lol)

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Alex Hofstadter

Again, my religious beliefs are important to me, and I said my opinion based on what I think.

It's good that you've come to terms with him. I'll say what was already said, just don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with. A relationship isn't healthy if one is grossed out with the other's need when it involves him or her.

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One of the tricky things about him having sex with someone else is that he's likely to develop an emotional bond with them, and end up breaking up with you.

Yes, like others I guess its likely you'll loose him 95% to his new sex partner to find, but:

3. Let him screw around with others. I think this is a bad idea. Since sex is such a need for him, if he does it with someone else he will most likely develop an emotional attachment to that person. Sexual people tend to attach sex to romance, so the chances of that happening are high. He will see that relationship with that other person as more valid because of the presence of sex. Since you guys are young, and younger people tend to act on lightening quick impulses, he will be quick to string you along while he's out there getting tail. In the perfect world he would be able to satisfy his needs elsewhere and still have a loving and comitted relationship with you. This ain't a perfect world.

... It makes me sad to read opinions like this from people who should be well aware that love is more than sex.

And to clarify why I was such shocked about his suggestion about having sex with someone else was because it never occurred to me he could be poly. And I have known him for several years. I wasn't sure how to react to it.

Coming out as poly is even more daunting than coming out as asexual. I've had some really cruel and unfair things said to me before because of it. By now, when I tell someone I'm poly, I assume they will think that I'm selfish and want to have as many partners as possible without giving back, so I don't say it. I never had more than one partner in my life anyway, so I just pretend I'm mono and roll with it.

@Alex: Sorry about all the negative responses you're getting. I don't have a problem with you expressing your beliefs. I still heavily disagree with them, though. :>

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dandelionfluff

I know that love is more than sex. However, the majority of the sexual population does not. That's what I based my comment on. It's a sad, true fact.

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I know that love is more than sex. However, the majority of the sexual population does not. That's what I based my comment on. It's a sad, true fact.

I think the majority of the sexual population feels that sex is part of love -- an important part.

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Alex Hofstadter

@Tarfeather I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with my beliefs. Free will. :P

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Arcticfox95

Oh wow, thanks for the support guys.


Coming out as poly is even more daunting than coming out as asexual. I've had some really cruel and unfair things said to me before because of it. By now, when I tell someone I'm poly, I assume they will think that I'm selfish and want to have as many partners as possible without giving back, so I don't say it. I never had more than one partner in my life anyway, so I just pretend I'm mono and roll with it.

I didn't mean to critizice of someone being poly. But as I said I have known him for years and thought I knew him pretty well. The shock was mostly because I never thought him like that. We have talked about his previous relationships and he's always been only with one person. But it's everyone's choice what sort of relationship they want to have. Personally I prefer mono, but won't dump him just because found out he's poly if he's willing to stay in mono relationship. I don't mean to be rude or anything but that's how I see it. I want a mono relationship and expect my partner to accept it.

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Member54880

This is a difficult situation you both are in since he has the need for sex, and you the need to not have sex. Often times, that is reason enough to end the relationship, if both parties are sure there isn't anything that can be reconciled. It's good that both of you are trying to work it out in a way that doesn't feel like it comes at either's expense, or that either of you are compromising your values.

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asymptoticfreedom

If I were you, I would be asking myself why I wanted to stay with someone who was willing to push my boundaries, even after I said no. This is the part that really raises red flags for me. It's fine to need sex but trying to pressure someone who doesn't into it is wrong and shows a huge disregard for their wellbeing.

I'll be blunt - if that's what's going on, you are better off ending this relationship.

Relationships between people with different levels of interest in sex can work, but never if one of the partners views the other as a means of getting their needs met, and is ok with pushing their boundaries or making them uncomfortable in order to do so.

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If I were you, I would be asking myself why I wanted to stay with someone who was willing to push my boundaries, even after I said no. This is the part that really raises red flags for me. It's fine to need sex but trying to pressure someone who doesn't into it is wrong and shows a huge disregard for their wellbeing.

I'll be blunt - if that's what's going on, you are better off ending this relationship.

Relationships between people with different levels of interest in sex can work, but never if one of the partners views the other as a means of getting their needs met, and is ok with pushing their boundaries or making them uncomfortable in order to do so.

... You realize the OP used the phrase "pushing boundaries" in the sense of "He's working toward having more sex", right? That is something almost any sexual would do, and certainly during the beginning of a relationship. Not "pushing boundaries" is something that may happen, but it usually takes months or years, or sometimes it never happens, and that should be completely fine. If you can't deal, don't date a sexual with needs. :/

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If I were you, I would be asking myself why I wanted to stay with someone who was willing to push my boundaries, even after I said no. This is the part that really raises red flags for me. It's fine to need sex but trying to pressure someone who doesn't into it is wrong and shows a huge disregard for their wellbeing.

I'll be blunt - if that's what's going on, you are better off ending this relationship.

Relationships between people with different levels of interest in sex can work, but never if one of the partners views the other as a means of getting their needs met, and is ok with pushing their boundaries or making them uncomfortable in order to do so.

... You realize the OP used the phrase "pushing boundaries" in the sense of "He's working toward having more sex", right? That is something almost any sexual would do, and certainly during the beginning of a relationship. Not "pushing boundaries" is something that may happen, but it usually takes months or years, or sometimes it never happens, and that should be completely fine. If you can't deal, don't date a sexual with needs. :/

It would be just as reasonable to tell the sexual that if they can't deal, don't date an asexual.

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BerenErchamion

If I were you, I would be asking myself why I wanted to stay with someone who was willing to push my boundaries, even after I said no. This is the part that really raises red flags for me. It's fine to need sex but trying to pressure someone who doesn't into it is wrong and shows a huge disregard for their wellbeing.

I'll be blunt - if that's what's going on, you are better off ending this relationship.

Relationships between people with different levels of interest in sex can work, but never if one of the partners views the other as a means of getting their needs met, and is ok with pushing their boundaries or making them uncomfortable in order to do so.

... You realize the OP used the phrase "pushing boundaries" in the sense of "He's working toward having more sex", right? That is something almost any sexual would do, and certainly during the beginning of a relationship. Not "pushing boundaries" is something that may happen, but it usually takes months or years, or sometimes it never happens, and that should be completely fine. If you can't deal, don't date a sexual with needs. :/

There's a pretty big difference between "Would you be comfortable with doing this, dear?" and going into language like "I have needs"--especially if you don't accept your partner's "No" and remain pushy about it.

If I started pulling that shit with my partner, she'd dump me in a heartbeat, and rightfully so--exploring boundaries is fine and healthy, but once they're found they need to be respected--and if a person's boundaries do shift for any reason, it's that person's place to inform the other partner, not the other partner's to persistently inquire about it.

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