FoxEars Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 When I first stumbled across the term 'sex-repulsed', I immediately thought, yeah, that's me!. I'm completely sex-positive (which I know can be true of the sex-repulsed); it's just that, when I think of sex in relation to myself, my brain just goes nononononononono That sort of seems like sex-repulsion, right? Except ... it's not. The concept of sex doesn't bother me in any way at all. I don't find PDA offensive in the slightest (except when it's on crowded public transportation and the PDA-ers keep bumping into people around them. That's just inconsiderate). As a child and youth, my reaction to learning about any and all aspects of sex and sexual relationships was basically, 'k then (although in the case of STIs, it might have been more of an oh dear). I can't even express how little I reacted to this sort of information. It struck me as perfectly normal and unremarkable. Because I never really, properly thought of it in relation to myself; or, when I did, I had a vague reaction of nO THANK YOU, but this was accompanied by the assumption that no one really wanted sex in general, but when one found oneself in the right circumstances, it would just sort of ... happen and it would be fine. (Later, this evolved into the thinking that I didn't like sex but if I found the right person, they would 'fix' me). Eventually I realised this was not the case. And, ever since, the whole notion of me having sex just instills me with this blind, all-consuming dread. I can't even clearly articulate what it is about sex I'm so afraid of, I just NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO But virtually all of the talk I've seen of sex-repulsion or sex-aversion has included some negative feelings towards sex external to oneself -- either finding it disgusting, or disliking it, or simply feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't have any of that. I have perfectly frank sexual conversations; I have no problem with sex in theory; I don't even have a problem with sex in practise as long as it involves other people (i.e., I don't find it distasteful or anything). The term 'sex-averse' sounds like it should better fit my attitude; but the way I usually see it used, it refers to people who are averse to sex in general, not just personally partaking in it. So, is there a term for not exactly being sex-repulsed or sex-averse, but rather just being sex- NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO? ^ FoxEars ^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I remember old topics where there was a consensus about the difference between touch repulsion and touch aversion, touch repulsion being "touch disgusts me" and then something more psychological, whereas touch aversion is "touch is very unpleasant or painful to me" and then something more physical and sometimes linked to sensory hypersensitivity. And as somebody who fits into the second category and not the first one, it makes much sense to me. So after reading your posts, it would fit sex aversion but not sex repulsion, the way I understand it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EggplantWitch Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 The term 'sex-averse' sounds like it should better fit my attitude; but the way I usually see it used, it refers to people who are averse to sex in general, not just personally partaking in it. I thought that being sex-repulsed/averse and sex-positive were entirely separate concepts, so you could refer to yoursef as sex repulsed/averse after all. I understood sex-repulsed to mean 'grossed out by sex happening to me', and sex-positive to mean 'happy with sex happening to other people, preferably a ways away from me'. Which is why I call myself sex-repulsed and sex-positive, so I'm basically like you. Either I'm wrong, I'm misunderstanding what you're asking, or the people you've seen around on the forums have been using terminology wrong... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 This interests me as well, because it describes somewhat similarly to how I feel about sex in general too. I am an asexual who is not willing to have sex, yet I've never been comfortable with the term 'sex-repulsed' because the word repulsion itself implies (to me) something associated with disgust and coming from a very negative standpoint, and that's not really me. I am not disgusted by sex, I just don't personally care to have it. Just like, say, I don't like pineapple but I'm not disgusted that someone else is eating one, or even if they offer some to me. I just say no thanks. I don't even feel any particular dread or anxiety when imagining sex in regards to myself, it's more just a 'meh, I'll pass' sort of deal. I wouldn't call it repulsion. I am also very open and comfortable about sex overall, talking about it, joking about it, seeing/hearing sexual things happen, etc, pretty much all the way up to the point of actually doing it myself - and even then, there's no gut reaction of disgust or horror. I just decline. So, yeah. I've been (lurking) on this forum for a few years now and the way it always seems to me is that asexuals get broken up into two camps: repulsed, which are people that never ever want sex and have strong negative feelings at the idea, or indifferent, which are those people that are open to sex in the right circumstances. Neither of which fit me very well, so I'm curious to see if there is a middle-ground category I've somehow missed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FoxEars Posted April 25, 2015 Author Share Posted April 25, 2015 The term 'sex-averse' sounds like it should better fit my attitude; but the way I usually see it used, it refers to people who are averse to sex in general, not just personally partaking in it. I thought that being sex-repulsed/averse and sex-positive were entirely separate concepts, so you could refer to yoursef as sex repulsed/averse after all. I understood sex-repulsed to mean 'grossed out by sex happening to me', and sex-positive to mean 'happy with sex happening to other people, preferably a ways away from me'. Which is why I call myself sex-repulsed and sex-positive, so I'm basically like you. Either I'm wrong, I'm misunderstanding what you're asking, or the people you've seen around on the forums have been using terminology wrong... For sure, 'sex-positive' and 'sex-repulsed' / 'sex-averse' are different, and aren't mutually exclusive. I think 'sex-positive' generally means 'people are free to go have sex and do whatever sexual stuff they like, good for them'; a sex-positive person understands the complexity of human sexuality and is quite open-minded about it. So 'sex-repulsed' and 'sex-averse' don't contradict that at all (although I'm sure there are repulsed / averse people out there who aren't sex-positive as well). My issue with the 'repulsion' and 'aversion' terms is twofold: They both seem to carry the connotation that there's some sort of reason for the aversion / repulsion. Usually, from what I've seen, it's some form of disgust: not a moral uppity-ness so much as an actual, physical grossed-out-ness by sex and sexual acts. I don't have that in any way. While repulsion and aversion are more personal than anything else, many of the accounts of repulsion or aversion I've seen involve not wanting sex to pertain to oneself, even in an indirect way. For example, a sex-repulsed or sex-averse person doesn't necessarily mind that other people do sexual things; but witnessing or even thinking about such sexual things, having those sexual things in their minds, seems to be something many of them have an issue with. I mean, I don't like invading anyone's privacy or anything, but aside from that I don't share that mindset at all. I mentioned sex-positivity only because it's the basis of my sexual attitudes, and therefore seemed worth mentioning in my original post, which provided a general overview of those attitudes. It's definitely not the reason I have trouble with the 'sex-averse' and 'sex-repulsed' labels, though. Just like, say, I don't like pineapple but I'm not disgusted that someone else is eating one, or even if they offer some to me. I just say no thanks. I don't even feel any particular dread or anxiety when imagining sex in regards to myself, it's more just a 'meh, I'll pass' sort of deal. I wouldn't call it repulsion. This ... really made me think, actually I wonder if my fear of personally having sex stems more from a fear of being pressured into it and / or disappointing people, more than a fear of sex itself. That might explain a lot. (I'm also seriously ashamed to say that my reaction to you not liking pineapple was scarily similar to most sexuals' reactions to people being asexual -- shock, incredulity, 'is that even possible??? How do you live without pineapples???'. I feel really guilty about that now. I can't imagine not liking pineapples, but ... I respect you nonetheless ^_^) ^ FoxEars ^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 While repulsion and aversion are more personal than anything else, many of the accounts of repulsion or aversion I've seen involve not wanting sex to pertain to oneself, even in an indirect way. For example, a sex-repulsed or sex-averse person doesn't necessarily mind that other people do sexual things; but witnessing or even thinking about such sexual things, having those sexual things in their minds, seems to be something many of them have an issue with. I mean, I don't like invading anyone's privacy or anything, but aside from that I don't share that mindset at all. This has been mostly my experience as well, where a lot of repulsed asexuals seem to dislike associating with sex in any way, including talking about, hearing about, being forced to think about it too much, etc. Even the most sex-positive repulsed asexuals seem to hold more of a 'if you want to have sex, awesome, just don't do it around me' sort of philosophy which, while I respect it, isn't the same as how I feel. Just like, say, I don't like pineapple but I'm not disgusted that someone else is eating one, or even if they offer some to me. I just say no thanks. I don't even feel any particular dread or anxiety when imagining sex in regards to myself, it's more just a 'meh, I'll pass' sort of deal. I wouldn't call it repulsion. This ... really made me think, actually I wonder if my fear of personally having sex stems more from a fear of being pressured into it and / or disappointing people, more than a fear of sex itself. That might explain a lot. I can totally understand this. I used to feel really uncomfortable when my boyfriend tried to initiate sex, not because of the sex itself but because I didn't want to have to tell him 'no' yet again. This was before I really understood my asexuality, though, and since then (and becoming single), it has been very different. Accepting that this is just a part of me and that I don't have to feel guilty because I'm not broken, and that it's my right to say no to something I don't want. (I'm also seriously ashamed to say that my reaction to you not liking pineapple was scarily similar to most sexuals' reactions to people being asexual -- shock, incredulity, 'is that even possible??? How do you live without pineapples???'. I feel really guilty about that now. I can't imagine not liking pineapples, but ... I respect you nonetheless ^_^) Haha! That's okay, I have felt the same way about people not liking broccoli. Like, how can this be?! But in the end, it's better because then I get all their broccoli and you can have all my pineapple. ;) The benefits of diversity! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Adogg Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I've never minded seeing it acted out in films, had trouble following a story that revolves around it etc, but looking at a vagina makes me squeamish, like when they are tearing someone apart in some Hostel type horror film. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Raine14 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Oh, I can totally relate to this post! Other people and sex, that's fine. That's dandy. I frankly don't care, but if your happy, good for you! *thumbs up* As a couples counselor, I have to have candid conversations about sexual relations all the time and it doesn't bother me. But the moment anything remotely sexual is aimed in my direction? It feels like an attack, like some idiot just took a battering ram to my castle gate and all their evil minions are sharpening their spears outside and waiting to pounce. <_< I grew up on Redwall as a kid, so sue me. Anyway, it's the best way description I have. And my brain can harp for weeks on end that I am way overreacting and that my adrenaline system needs to calm down before I hurt someone, because that someone is just acting the way they are built -- it's nothing personal, really -- and likely meant no offense by it. Most would even argue that it's a compliment. But my body? It doesn't listen. And like you said, it isn't really a gross out factor. More like coming home to find the house has been robbed. It just feels wrong. Right, so is there a term for this, or do we just fall under the sex-repulsion/aversion umbrella? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FoxEars Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Other people and sex, that's fine. That's dandy. I frankly don't care, but if your happy, good for you! *thumbs up* As a couples counselor, I have to have candid conversations about sexual relations all the time and it doesn't bother me. But the moment anything remotely sexual is aimed in my direction? It feels like an attack, like some idiot just took a battering ram to my castle gate and all their evil minions are sharpening their spears outside and waiting to pounce. Anyway, it's the best way description I have. And my brain can harp for weeks on end that I am way overreacting and that my adrenaline system needs to calm down before I hurt someone, because that someone is just acting the way they are built -- it's nothing personal, really -- and likely meant no offense by it. Most would even argue that it's a compliment. But my body? It doesn't listen. And like you said, it isn't really a gross out factor. More like coming home to find the house has been robbed. It just feels wrong. YOU YOU PUT IT IN WORDS LIKE, IN A WAY THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE AND IS CLEAR THIS IS EXACTLY -- EXACTLY -- WHAT I WAS TRYING and sort of failing TBH TO SAY IN MY ORIGINAL POST THIS MAKES ME SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN IT PROBABLY SHOULD THANK YOU SO MUCH I've never minded seeing it acted out in films, had trouble following a story that revolves around it etc, but looking at a vagina makes me squeamish, like when they are tearing someone apart in some Hostel type horror film. ^ YES. So much yes. I am a very squeamish person in general though, so it could be unrelated in my case. ^ FoxEars ^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 FoxEars, don't worry too much about labelling yourself. You have worked out what you are comfortable experiencing, and what falls outside of your comfort zone. That's good enough. Being of the view that sex and sexuality is fine so long as you're not involved, or a witness is fine, many of us are of the same outlook. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SMW22792 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 This sounds like me a lot. Other people having sex doesn't bother me. Jokes about sex don't bother me. It's when the topic of sex get shifted to me, that's when I become averse to it. Talk about sex all you want, just don't involve me in it and we're good! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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