My girlfriend of 8 years came out as asexual when I proposed

[omnisaint]

I guess I'll start off with we have never been overly physical, back in the beginning of the relationship we would play wrestle a bit, hug and I would kiss her on the forehead, after a while we had our first kiss, after I asked her through a text message, and thats been about it. Now mostly its a hug and kiss to the top of the head or cheek. Now to the fun stuff, I will say I don't really know if I'm looking for advice or anything its certainly welcome and will be taken, I suppose I just wanna get it out there. This may ramble on a bit, and I apologize in advance. Also I really hope I don't inadvertently offend, I apologize if I do.

It started a couple of weeks ago after we had just gotten back to her apartment from our trip to Austin to go to a hockey game, and meet with some people I know from the internet. We had a great time with the exception of an email she got from work that really put her off, and after she got it Saturday night she was really down. I had been planning on proposing to her when we got back from the trip for a while and thought about putting it off because of the email but decided against it because I thought it might give her something to turn the weekend back around. To shorten the whole event exponentially, I got down on one knee with the ring and she started kinda shaking her head, I asked the question and her reply was we need to talk. I said ok, bad things running through my mind like, had she been planning on ending it and couldn't find a way to tell me, or is there someone else, but she through me a curve(which was oddly a slight relief) with "I'm asexual" to which I just replied ok. She asked if I knew what that meant I told her I did, I didn't tell her at the time but I knew because of a lovely podcast by the name of The Sex Nerd Sandra Podcast, and after that I told her I still loved her and didn't see her any differently. Again to shorten things up a bit the next couple of hours or so were spent not saying a whole lot between us other than her crying because she didn't know what to say, she had been trying to find a way to tell me and just couldn't think of a good way to do it, and not knowing how to feel about me being ok with it, and me replying to the not knowing what to say with "me neither", which tended to make things worse. That ended with us parting ways after her finally stopping crying because we started talking about something else because neither knew what to say on the asexuality topic. Later on that night I figured because neither of us are very verbal people and quite shy that we could write each other letters to kinda break the ice.

The next week on Friday, I gave her my letter, she didn't have one which is ok, I was amazed I had three pages. I asked a bunch of questions and to an extent, just because we had never really even broached the subject of sex before, spoke on my feelings to things. She gladly answered all, she told me she had known for a little bit, that her folks, sister and roommates knew she was an ace that she just couldn't really think of a good way to tell me, that she doesn't like the idea of kissing just because of the bacteria exchange, if she got anything out of it she might but since she doesn't. And at the time we spoke a little bit on sex, that she basically wasn't opposed, and as far as marriage for the time she really didn't know if she wanted to ever get married because its not look on as the institution it used to be. I will say that I had a good laugh when she told me how she figured out she was asexual, she figured it out from reading fanfiction where a character is an ace and they provided a link to this wonderful place, I laughed because without her telling me about aven I had found it on my own and had spent most of my free time on it reading different thing here, there, and then I found the forums. The conversation ended with me saying I loved her and wouldn't change her for anything in the world.

The following Friday, I gave her my next letter, which was some more questions and some of just where I was kinda coming from. We went into more of her thoughts on sex, for her it is something that she isn't completely disgusted with it for others but when it comes to herself she just doesn't see the point and she is completely opposed to the idea of getting pregnant. Like her I've never had sex, but am interested to an extent in it, sex isn't just at the top most important thing on my priorities but its something that one day I would like to have, and its not something I see to be taken lightly, its a way to be as close as you can and tear everything down. Because of something I read on here I asked if she would consider herself a romantic ace, or an aromantic ace. She told me she would consider herself a greyromantic to which, I asked if there was any sort of mutual feeling, I got to the best of my memory she really doesn't know, she likes being in a relationship but as far as love she doesn't know. She has feelings but they just aren't extremely strong ones. We discussed marriage more and just that her family didn't have the greatest history with marriage, her sisters marriage falling apart earlier in the week cementing that even more I think, and like she said before it just doesn't get looked upon with the same weight it used to. I told her that one of these days marriage is something I would like, and a kid had crossed my mind, she said again the idea of pregnancy makes her a bit sick, and the thought of adoption had crossed her mind but she worries that she wouldn't be able to love the child. I don't really remember how this ended.

Last week I gave her my last letter for now which wasn't really much other than just basically telling her I really don't know where to go from here. I told her I'm happy with our relationship and if she is happy to whatever extent she can be, then we are good, but I don't want her to continue something she isn't happy with. I asked her that while I know right now marriage doesn't seem like something she for sure does or doesn't want to if she decides one day one way or the other, to tell me if its the first the proposal still stands and if not we will cross that bridge when it comes. And to wrap it up I told her that she really should get on here and post just to talk with other aces, I told her I was going to do this and what my user name was so she can read my post if she wants. As to the first part she said she was ok with us. As for the marriage she still isn't 100% either way but more leaning towards the not because of the things put onto people and how things are expected to change, we discussed that to a small extent and I told her I would be willing to work with her and do whatever she needed, she said she feels kind of selfish for all that and I just shrugged because I really couldn't think of anything to say. We are going to try a mini experiment this summer once I get my place finished she is going to come and stay with me for a week and we are going to just do a small test and see if we can make a week even, then go from there. As for the Aven thing, she told me she would try, its hard because like the letters she didn't do when she sits down to actually do the thing nothing comes to her, but she would try, and she was going to look into if there were any Dallas meet-ups she might could go to since that might be easier. The last part of the conversation was something that came to mind in the silence after the Aven discussion when I restated flat out "I just want you to be happy, I'm happy with us, if you are happy great, but if not then I don't know", to which she replied "It sounds like you are expecting me to breakup with you", to that I replied "To be honest the fact that, that could happen has crossed my mind, I don't want it to happen, but like I said and wrote, I want you to be happy to whatever extent you can be and whatever that means for us".

If you somehow make it through that jumble, I will gladly clarify, expand on, or answer any questions to the best of my ability. Feel free to give any advice, or criticism.

[Tarfeather]

:') This moved me to actual tears in real life, I'm not exaggerating. She's a *lot* like my partner, I can tell from the little bit you've said here, so I'm glad she also found someone who cares about her and respects her.

I told her that one of these days marriage is something I would like, and a kid had crossed my mind, she said again the idea of pregnancy makes her a bit sick, and the thought of adoption had crossed her mind but she worries that she wouldn't be able to love the child. I don't really remember how this ended.

Heheheh, that's *exactly* what my girlfriend told me as well. So that indicates to me that your girlfriend also somewhat.. whatever my girlfriend is. ._. Say, how many friends does she have? How much social contact does she need? Does she also have trouble getting emotionally attached in general?

Extrapolating from my own experience here.. I think the prospect of being so emotionally close and attached worries her. She knows she can't love you to the extent you love her, or that (according to society) people in a marriage are supposed to love each other, and so she sees no point to entering that agreement.

Don't doubt the feelings she has for you, or the importance you have in her life. I think maybe you're worried because she isn't as enthusiastic about your relationship as you are; But trust me, she still wants that relationship, relatively you still have "that" place in her life, it's just that she generally has a lower "capacity" to feel connected in such a way.

And now excuse me while I go ask myself how exactly I think I have the right to give advice to a person in an 8 year relationship, when my own hasn't even lasted a single one so far. :>

[sStephen]

Damn that sucks. Looks like you might have struck out there pal. Or not who knows, you'll definitely have to re think everything

[Tarfeather]

Damn that sucks. Looks like you might have struck out there pal. Or not who knows, you'll definitely have to re think everything

... huh? Who are you talking to? :D

[teagansk]

Yikes. That title is an attention grabber and the post does not disappoint. As someone who has been married for 20 years, I think I can represent a lot of married people when I say you can't possibly imagine how your relationship will change over time once you are living together and on the journey to old age. You can probably see that in the 8 years you have been together. It is amazing that your girlfriend understood where she was at and told you right away. A lot of us didn't figure it out until many years into marriage (although I got married after dating 2 years so 8 years might still be where we realized we had major problems). My only advice would be to really really be certain that you are both truly OK with a mixed relationship. There is a lot to gain by committing to that choice now but there is also a lot of relationship extremes you have yet to experience. It will be hard. I remember people telling me that marriage was hard work. I never believed it. I do now. Marriage is amazing and I love it but man it can be work to keep it on the right track long-term. Despite the saying, love actually does not conquer all when you talk about 40 or 50 years. The love might be worth the sacrifice now but will the lack of sex be OK with you 20 years from now when you are different people. For me, it has been worth it and while I would never make the choice differently, if God forbid I end up single again, the advice I'd give myself would be to be OK with compromise in a relationship but to keep physical compatibility as something that is important if at all possible.

[omnisaint]

First off, thanks for the responses, I was gonna type something else here but that train turned into a rocket and flew off so...

Heheheh, that's *exactly* what my girlfriend told me as well. So that indicates to me that your girlfriend also somewhat.. whatever my girlfriend is. ._. Say, how many friends does she have? How much social contact does she need? Does she also have trouble getting emotionally attached in general?

I would say she has quite a few friends, and a handful of close friends. As for social contact she is kind of like me in a sense, some social interaction is nice, but after so much its nice to just block out the world and do you own thing. And for trouble with emotional attachment yeah I would say to an extent, depends on the circumstances.

Well, I haven't been in any serious relationships, but I can say that a partner (husband, wife, etc) is like a best friend. They're always there for you, and you're always happy to be around them. I've never been in love, but I have trust issues. Okay, back to my point. I don't know that if I myself can feel love because of my trust issues, but if I found someone that provided for my emotional needs and made me happy, I would marry them. I think that she should take time to assess her emotional needs and if you meet them. If you do and she's happy, then try it out, as you were saying.

That was something I knew fairly early in our relationship, I don't remember how it got brought up but she has trust issues. She told me at the time the only person she really 100% trusted was her father.

I'll use my emotional needs as an example so you guys can understand. Emotionally, I need someone that makes me feel safe, important, needed, and is there for me when I'm upset. Someone that will just stay there and hold me until I calm down. Most importantly, someone who pays a lot of attention to me. I call them emotional needs because they solve what makes me happy that I can't really get from just anyone.

That is something I try to do for her, and believe I do ok at, is make her feel safe, important needed, and know all she has to do is call and I'll be there. When it boils down to it I really just want her to, whatever extent she can, be happy.

Honestly, judging from this bit of information, I do believe that the two of you have a connection. I'm not saying, "Go out and get married!" Only that you two seem to have your own little thing, which is writing to each other when you don't know what to say. I find that good relationships have a rhythm like that because it allows them to work through conflict and avoid it all together because, in a way, it's almost like you intuitionally know each other. You can flow at each other's pace, and it allows communication to stay open.

I will say that the letters helped a lot, they got us talking and once we were through with what was written we usually would keep on going for a good bit about things that were brought up because of the writing and topics that were brought up there. Like with the proposal, it wasn't a hey lets go to Vegas and do this now, it was a hey I know we both have things we want and need to do before we get married but, just one day in the not to distant future its something we can do. Heck I had a college teacher that had been engaged for quite a while so there's not a rush.

Obviously, my advice means little. I don't know much, but it seems that the two of you are on the right path. If she's still unsure, maybe the two of you can spend time apart to see if she would miss you? That's just a (stupid) suggestion, but those that I generally like (a lot), being away from them upsets me. And these people are generally people I'd consider getting in a serious relationship with.

I like that you're both rational about this and trying. I hope it turns out okay. <3

Us spending time apart had crossed my mind, we admittedly don't see each other but twice a week and sometimes not even that. But with the way the summer is looking for our work schedules this may be happening either way. And yeah I hope it turns out ok too.

One last bit of advice. Marriage does have benefits, and it doesn't have to be a traditional marriage. For instance, if one of you were sent to the hospital (oh gosh, I hope not), it'd allow visiting rights and the right to make decisions if the other couldn't. When oen of you passed away (when you're old of course), it'd allow your stuff to go to the other, and so on. You don't have to have a traditional marriage. Today's traditional marriage is nothing like marriage a few decades ago (did you know that married couples used to each have their own room?). Don't think of it like a normal marriage. It's your life, you make up your own rules, and everyone's happy in the end. That's all that matters.

For instance, when I get married, we might not share a bed. I mean, I have trust issues. I physically can't sleep with someone else in the room. It wouldn't mean that I cared any less about the person. Only that it made me comfortable and my partner was fine with it. I just wanted to throw that out there because if there was any specific thing about traditional marriage that scared her, then it might help to throw that out. Who is everyone else to judge what makes you happy? also felt that you needed to know the benefits of getting married. Not that you should get married, but that you should both consider it if you want certain things in the future. For instance, visiting rights it the other is in the hospital (I still hope not).

Or.. ya know... if she's not ready for it... maybe she will be in the future? Some shells are harder to crack than others. There's nothign wrong with that, only that you're different people.

Something that was talked about between us was that we don't have to try to be like the norm. There is no cookie cutter relationship you have to do what works for you, that, just basically you have to be you not try and be something else. I will say you hit the nail on the head with something though, er well glanced off just a bit. One of the things that Heather brought up is that, we wouldn't always be able to sleep together. Sometimes she needs her space, which I told her I could work with just because heck right now I don't sleep in my own bed half the time I pass out on the couch. Then she brought up the feeling selfish and I really didn't know where to go just said no your not and we will see how thing go this summer. I don't remember exactly how she said she feels but I think it was something odd having a couple that didn't sleep together, I see it differently just because my folks didn't always when I was younger but then again that was because my father is the king of snoring back then. But yeah that is something I know we are different people.

Yikes. That title is an attention grabber and the post does not disappoint. As someone who has been married for 20 years, I think I can represent a lot of married people when I say you can't possibly imagine how your relationship will change over time once you are living together and on the journey to old age. You can probably see that in the 8 years you have been together. It is amazing that your girlfriend understood where she was at and told you right away. A lot of us didn't figure it out until many years into marriage (although I got married after dating 2 years so 8 years might still be where we realized we had major problems). My only advice would be to really really be certain that you are both truly OK with a mixed relationship. There is a lot to gain by committing to that choice now but there is also a lot of relationship extremes you have yet to experience. It will be hard. I remember people telling me that marriage was hard work. I never believed it. I do now. Marriage is amazing and I love it but man it can be work to keep it on the right track long-term. Despite the saying, love actually does not conquer all when you talk about 40 or 50 years. The love might be worth the sacrifice now but will the lack of sex be OK with you 20 years from now when you are different people. For me, it has been worth it and while I would never make the choice differently, if God forbid I end up single again, the advice I'd give myself would be to be OK with compromise in a relationship but to keep physical compatibility as something that is important if at all possible.

Over the 8 years we have been together, while things have changed, we thankfully haven't had any major problems, until I guess this though I don't want to call it a problem, I'd go with just big bump. I've thought about it pretty much most of the time when I don't have to be fully on something else and I know that if we did come through all this and decide to make a go at it, it wont be easy. My big thought on that is just things in life worth working for aren't always easy. Granted I cannot say 20-30 years down the line my opinion as to sex will go from not being just top priority to being that, I think in that amount of time, to be honest I don't know that worries me a small amount but then again some risks are worth taking I suppose. Like I have told her many a time, looking back on things had she told me back when we first got together had she known, I cannot say how I would have reacted and it might not have been good, but the past is the past and I wouldn't change a thing.

[rilakkuma]

i read the whole post i dont have much to say other than she's very lucky at how understanding and supportive you are about it

i think youre doing great job