Do I compromise my asexuality and whore myself out?

[SunshinesMom]

Oh and in reply to your question: anyone else been in a situation like this, what advice can you give?

Yep, I've been there before. I was in a 5 year long relationship with a sexual person, as I believed having a relationship was more important than the things I would have to do to maintain that relationship. It was hell on earth, for those 5 long years, and I now have two children and an ex in prison because of it.

I am a solo parent of two under 5s, on an extremely low income, struggling every day to make ends meet. I have no support network, I cannot drive, and I go without new clothes and nice things (and sometimes food too) so I can feed and clothe my children. I am relatively young (26) relatively attractive, and could quite easily obtain a relationship with a sexual man who will be willing to support me and my children..and yeah having an H cup on a small frame helps immensely. It honestly wouldn't be hard for me to get a sexual partner with plenty of money and I know it sounds stuck-up saying all that, but I'm being honest for the sake of illustrating my point.

Would I use and degrade a sexual man in that way, just for financial stability? would I let myself be used and degraded in that way, forcing myself to give him sex to try to keep him happy so he won't fuck off and leave me? Fuck no. Never. I'd never do that to someone else or to myself.

My advice stands. Find someone who is right for you, an asexual man who can love and respect and care for you (or a sexual man who will do the same, someone who truly respects and loves you and can understand and respect your boundaries and who you love and respect in return, not someone who will just be with you to fuck you).

Don't ever get into a relationship so you can open your legs just for a paycheck. How could you, or your sexual partner, be happy in a relationship like that?

EDIT: I hope that didn't sound too harsh.. I get a little passionate about this topic as it is something close to my own heart for all the wrong reasons.

Thank you so much for your candor, openess, and honesty. I think it takes a lot of courage to share such a personal story on a public forum like this. I commend you for your choices, and for putting your children first. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Believe me, I know what that is like. Its hard. You have to go without basic things that you need, even more so when you have children. You are an excellent mother who has her priorities straight, and again, you deserve to be commended. You've opened my eyes to something. I haven't tried hard enough. I haven't been patient enough. I've just put myself back in the relationship game not even 2 weeks ago, and I'm already having a hissy fit that I can't find a potential asexual partner. I need to be more patient. Also, too much emphasis is being put on the potential financial benefit of being in a relationship, and maybe that is my fault. I didn't mean to emphasize that aspect so much. I don't want to be "saved" or "rescued", I would just like a little bit of help and a little bit of a saftey net. I think everyone reading this would agree that two incomes are always better than one. I would also hope to contribute to my partner's finances what he would also contribute to mine. A relationship is a partnership, of both give and take.

[SunshinesMom]

What in the world gave you the idea that my only purpose in interacting with others is to persue a long term relationship with someone?

Just going by what I quoted from you. That is what it seemed to suggest, like it's pointless to you to hang around here because you're only interested in "real life" relationships.

If that's not what you meant, then forgive me for misreading you, but that is what it sounded like >_>

I'm just not much of a forum person. Since I'm not much of a forum person, if I were to get active on the boards here, it would be for alterior motives/reasons, and I wouldn't feel right about that. I think a person should be active in the forums here because they want to and have a genuine interest in posting, and not because they have some type of hidden agenda. Its true that I do prefer interacting with people in real life, as opposed to the internet. I still don't understand how that got translated into my only purpose in interacting with others is to persue a long term relationship.

[SunshinesMom]

I just want to thank everyone for their suggestions, advice, and input. I appreciate your willingness to try and help. I think the most helpful advice would probably be from someone who has been in my situation before. When you are on the outside looking in, its easy to say, "No, don't do it". Is there anyone other than Mycroft is Yourcroft who has been in this situation before?

Also, I think it is important to note, that the founder of this website felt he had to compromise his asexuality and did so in order to obtain a serious, committed relationship with someone. If you feel inclined to judge, I would ask that you please take that into consideration.

I am currently in a nine year relationship with a sexual. It's EXTREMELY hard to have sex day in and day out when I do not want it. You sound a bit negative about sex, while I am neutral and I still find it extremely difficult to do. The longer it goes on, the harder it gets, unless you can enjoy it in some way. Read the sexual friends & allies section to see how an asexual partner can cause heartache to a sexual as well (even if the asexual doesn't come out as such, it often becomes something they notice over time). The longer a relationship lasts, the harder it gets on both sides and the harder it would be to "fake". Plus, a relationship built on lies is in general not going to be very healthy (my partner knows I am not interested in sex, else it would be unbearable to keep going and as is, I am not sure I can keep it up forever...). My mother went 24 years or so having sex when she didn't want it and ended up giving up the shared income, security and such just to be able to be alone and a big part of it is that she is allowed to be celibate again. She doesn't want to bother trying to find an asexual man, so she stays single.

As for the founder, DJ, I assume you are talking about the (A)sexual documentary? At the end, it was quite sad, he had gotten upset and seemed to be feeling a bit hopeless. Since then, I have heard he's found a non-sexual partner and last I read about it, they were considering adding a child to their lives. So, consider the end, not just the moment of heartache you witnessed in a short part of his life.

Thank you for sharing and giving me more insight into what it might be like to be in a relationship with a sexual person. I will check out the "Asexual friends and allies" section. Thank you for pointing me in that direction.

Also I am glad to hear that DJ has found an asexual partner and that they are considering adopting a child. Thats great news. Super happy for him. :D

[SunshinesMom]

I think the most helpful advice would probably be from someone who has been in my situation before.

I disagree with this view. For example, a healthcare provider doesn't have to experience the medical condition they treat in order to give the "most helpful advice" about how to treat it.

I think it's extremely unhealthy to be in a relationship that requires you to pretend to be someone else (aka lie and be dishonest) or engage in activities that are emotionally harmful to you (aka force yourself to have sex when you hate it more than words can describe).

I'd question why a relationship is so important to you to the point that you'd harm yourself emotionally (and potentially physically) in order to have and maintain one.

I highly recommend these articles:

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-when-youre-lonely-or-feel-time-is-running-out/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/be-a-happy-single/

By the way, I feel the need to express that the founder of AVEN doesn't represent all asexual people and is certainly capable of making unwise decisions and ill-formed conclusions.

I wouldn't treat his personal choices as the WWJD of asexuality.

FYI- he's with a non-sexual partner now: http://untappedcities.com/2012/12/18/urban-profile-david-jay-asexual-sexless-and-satisfied/

It's not my job to convince you to change what seems to be your already strongly-held viewpoint, therefore, take what you want and leave the rest.

Thank you for your response and for all of the links. I will check them out as soon as I am able. I do think that someone who has been through something is able to have more insight, compassion, and empathy than someone who hasn't been through that experience. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on that one.

Also, what does WWJD mean?

[Frigid Pink]

Thank you for your response and for all of the links. I will check them out as soon as I am able. I do think that someone who has been through something is able to have more insight, compassion, and empathy than someone who hasn't been through that experience. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on that one.

Also, what does WWJD mean?

You're welcome.

More sympathy and compassion, yes, more empathy and better advice, not necessarily. Sure, agree to disagree on that.

WWJD = What would Jesus do? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_would_Jesus_do%3F)

[Sally]

Sunshines, I haven't been without a partner for a long time, although it has not always been easy or pleasant. I'm still good friends/companions with my former long-time partner. I would feel very lonesome without him. I definitely understand how you feel, and also understand that your wish for a life companion has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself. Wanting a companion doesn't mean someone doesn't feel self-confident or complete; it simply means you'd like someone to share your life with. I also understand your wonder whether, in order to accomplish that, you should compromise your feeling about sex. I compromised mine for years, until it became too much, because my husband and my partner were sexuals and I wanted to please them. I think it was worth it while I was doing that, because I wasn't repulsed. I am now, and luckily my friend/companion understands that.

Do what you need to do to find happiness for yourself. It's your life.

[SunshinesMom]

I really appreciate all of the feedback I've recieved regarding this post. It has been a difficult decision, but I've decided not to persue a relationship with a sexual person at this time. From what others have shared who were in that situation, it sounds like it was very difficult for them, and became even more difficult the longer the relationship went on. Based on what others have shared, it doesn't sound like compromising my asexuality would be worth it in the end.

With regards to my OKC account, I changed my yearly income and listed it as <$20,000, and now no one ever contacts me. I used to get about 10 messages per day. Now, none. As I said, 95% of the men on that site are Nigerian scammers, so now that they realize they can't get any money from me, they are leaving me alone.