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SunshinesMom

Do I compromise my asexuality and whore myself out?

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SunshinesMom

I'm 45, and yes, I'm well aware that most people on this site consider me an old lady for that. Anyway, I'm a hetero-romantic asexual. I've been out of a relationship for almost 15 years because of my asexuality. I can't find a man who's ok with not having sex with me. I've tried meeting men on asexual positive sites, like acebook (what a joke) and asexualitic. No one responds to my messages, ever. Its so frustrating. I want a lifetime companion, a life partner. I'd love to be married. I crave emotional intimacy with someone. Also, I although I work full time, I'm low income and having an extremely difficult time surviving on what I make, so the finanical support of having a partner is something I am in need of as well.

Out of desperation, I posted a profile on OkCupid recently, and discovered that 95% of the men on OkCupid are actually Nigerian scammers. (This part of my post may need to be recatagorized into some type of OkCupid thread/topic). Anyway, these men always claim that they are in the military, and away in Afghanistan. They also immediately try to get you off of the OKC site to converse/share photos/text. They always have a yahoo address too. I really wish OkCupid had a way of filtering out these creeps. If they were a strictly paid site, that would help, but then they would loose a lot of their mass appeal. I joined OkCupid because I had heard that they were more asexual friendly than other dating sites.

I have conversed with one gentlemen from OKC that seems genuine, however he is one of the many ignorant people who think that the reason I'm asexual is because I've had a bad experience, and he thinks he can "fix me". I've directed him to this site, which he has explored, but he still just doesn't get it. I've explained it to him over and over again, and he still doesn't get it. He thinks its a choice and not an orientation. Asexuality seems terribly difficult, if not impossible, for sexual people to understand, at least that has been my experience.

I'm so tired of being alone and I'm so desperate for a lifetime companion/partner, that I'm considering whoring myself out. I call it whoring because I would be engaging in an act of doing something I hate, multiple times, in order to get something I want. Words can't even describe how much I hate sex. I've had plenty of it. I've tried my best to like it, and its just not for me. I've never been sexually abused or molested. I knew I was asexual when I was about 15 years old, although there was really no word for it back then. I just knew I was "different".

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What is your advice? Is whoring yourself out/compromising your asexuality worth it? What have your experiences been? I'd like to be able to learn from others and be able to weigh out the pros and cons before I travel down this road.

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

Yes

Is whoring yourself out/compromising your asexuality worth it?

No, would never do it again.

This is strictly my experience though, as there are quite a few people on this site who have made a mixed relationship work (through compromise and strong communication). It's not easy, and it's not for everyone, but it can work.

My advice would be to not give up on asexual dating (since that seems to be what you're most interested in pursuing), and if you really dislike sex that much, don't force yourself into a relationship where you will have to have sex.

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CBC

If you're using the term "whoring yourself out" to describe what having sex feels like to you, then my answer is an unequivocal NO. Having sex when you have feelings like that (I get it, btw; I've often -- yet oddly, not always -- felt that way myself) is just a recipe for disaster and discord within your own mind.

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Tarfeather

This sounds so.. pragmatic that it makes me sad. I'd strongly advise against seeking out a partner for such practical reasons. My mother did that a while ago (she was about your age then), it was a catastrophe for our whole family, and I should mention she was a normally sexual person then. Following that, she's practically become celibate, no partners, no romantic involvements, and while it certainly is a sad thing, it's infinitely better than the marriage she'd landed herself in before. Of course, she does have her children to connect to, which stops her from being lonely. Are there other ways for you to maybe build something like a family, that don't involve seeking out a romantic partner?

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Ficulnean

Actually, I joined AVEN I mean, OkCupid too. I have the word asexual in my profile, everything. It's gone really well for me. I think the main issue here is your age and sexuality combining to make it so partners the same age as you really aren't those people all that familiar with this. Obviously, age is a fixed thing and I can't just suggest that you go for twenty years younger, but I've found that introverted people are less invested in cultural norms which keep them back from accepting stuff like this. So, just keep a look out for that and for people who already fall out of the cultural norms un some other manner?

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Philip027
If you're using the term "whoring yourself out" to describe what having sex feels like to you, then my answer is an unequivocal NO.

That.

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SunshinesMom

Are there other ways for you to maybe build something like a family, that don't involve seeking out a romantic partner?

Not that I can think of. I have absolutely no family and the friends that I do have are out of state.

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Star Bit

There is a meet up section; look for one in your area, maybe you can find an ace partner there.

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CBC

Be active on the forums here. Especially if you're open to the idea of a long-distance relationship (and yeah, like Star Bit said, check the meetup section), AVEN itself is a great place to meet others (even though it's definitely not a dating site). Stick around, get involved in discussions, get to know people and make friends, etc. Lots of couples have met here (including my husband and myself).

Of course, there's no guarantee, and I guess you kinda have to be a "forum person"... but it doesn't hurt to at least be active on the boards. You've a better chance of meeting fellow aces here than pretty much anywhere else.

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SunshinesMom

My mother did that a while ago (she was about your age then), it was a catastrophe for our whole family

You're implying that my actions might have negative consequences for other people. This is not the case. I have no family and I am childless. The only person who may be negatively affected by my decisions would be me.

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TeaMistress

I would have to agree with what others have said. Try to be more active here, look for meets in your area, and stick OKC out for a little longer. You never know when someone decent might pop up. You are certainly not OLD, you have plenty of time, and you shouldn't put yourself in a position to be unhappy, in order to make yourself happy. (That did not make sense, apologies.) What I mean is that if you hate sex as much as it sounds like you do, any relationship involving it is just going to make you miserable, so what's the point? You deserve better, just stick it out a while longer, you'll get there.

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SunshinesMom

There is a meet up section; look for one in your area, maybe you can find an ace partner there.

Thank you so much for this suggestion. I just signed up for an ACES meetup group local to me on account of your recommendation.

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SunshinesMom

I would have to agree with what others have said. Try to be more active here, look for meets in your area, and stick OKC out for a little longer. You never know when someone decent might pop up. You are certainly not OLD, you have plenty of time, and you shouldn't put yourself in a position to be unhappy, in order to make yourself happy. (That did not make sense, apologies.) What I mean is that if you hate sex as much as it sounds like you do, any relationship involving it is just going to make you miserable, so what's the point? You deserve better, just stick it out a while longer, you'll get there.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and suggestions. Regarding posting here on AVEN. I am not a "forum person". I prefer meeting with and intereacting with people in real life so to speak, so I think persuing meetups in my area would be a better option for me. Searching the forums here on AVEN and commenting on posts with the sole purpose of hoping someone will notice me and possibly be interested in persuing a relationship with me (or vice versa) seems like a massive waste of time and energy.

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Tarfeather

You're implying that my actions might have negative consequences for other people. This is not the case. I have no family and I am childless. The only person who may be negatively affected by my decisions would be me.

No, I meant the opposite. Our whole family was better off financially because of that, but it was still a catastrophe. So I don't think practical reasons like finances are a good reason to enter a relationship or marriage.

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FictoVore.

I deleted my old OKCupid account, but just made a new one tonight. I was able to use the ''asexual'' option on sign up, which i wasnt able to do with my old profile. I met a lovely man in the space of about 10 minutes who was really open to discussing my asexuality and said it was one of the most interesting conversations he had ever had on that site, so clearly they aren't all bad :p And there are a lot of other asexuals on okcupid now that there is the option to sign up and identify as an asexual :)

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Tarfeather

Did you specify an age of 40+? :> I think that might be relevant.

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potato-chip

I agree with the others here - that trying to have a sexual relationship would be unsuccessful. Besides the trauma it would surely cause you, I think most sexuals would be equally unhappy in such an arrangement. Most sexuals want an enthusiastic, giving sexual partner, and do not enjoy the act if their partner is not also enjoying it. You should continue your search for an ace partner.

You could also work on learning to be happy on your own. Others (even ace) are drawn to confident people, and are NOT looking for someone that is desperate or wants to be saved in some way. You might have more success online if your profile shows you are someone who can take care of themselves.

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Scottthespy

Im an aromantic, so the only bit of information I can offer may become obsolete at this Ace meetup you've signed up for, but here goes.

In order to help sexual people understand, I've found it helps to relate it to something they DO understand. Find some fairly mainstream, well liked show, activity, or maybe even social site that most people can't stop talking about but this particular person has zero interest in. For my mom, it was computer games. I asked her if she hated not having time to play them, and she asked if I was feeling alright because I knew she hated them. I told her that so many people love them, there are so many kinds, was she sure she just wasn't bad at them and didn't like loosing all the time? She was irritated at my persistence. So I explained that how she felt towards video games was how I felt towards sex...I simply had no desire, though I didn't care if other people enjoyed it.

Maybe a potential partner doesnt like Facebook, or Game of Thrones, or gaming, or tv in general. Find something that he doesn't like that puts him in the minority of people and explain to him that his feelings about this thing are like your feelings on sex. You simply have no interest, and its very disheartening when people keep trying to find out why or suggest that just trying it will make you 'see the light'. Even if he still can't understand intellectually, he may be able to empathize emotionally, and that could help.

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sStephen

Nah whoring yourself out isn't going to make you feel any better. Nor will finding an ace partner...i mean lets just say you do happen to find a man of similar interest who is ace who you actually find attractive. There's still the standard issues with relationships that will come with that and you'll already be behind from the get go.

The key will probably be finding things that make you happy soon outside of relationships, and find ways to incorporate people you care about into these activities.

If you get super desperate there's always services for both men and women in forms of intimate contact. It doesn't even have to be sexual. This is actually the method i've used the last year now.


Nah whoring yourself out isn't going to make you feel any better. Nor will finding an ace partner...i mean lets just say you do happen to find a man of similar interest who is ace who you actually find attractive. There's still the standard issues with relationships that will come with that and you'll already be behind from the get go.

The key will probably be finding things that make you happy soon outside of relationships, and find ways to incorporate people you care about into these activities.

If you get super desperate there's always services for both men and women in forms of intimate contact. It doesn't even have to be sexual. This is actually the method i've used the last year now.

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SunshinesMom

I deleted my old OKCupid account, but just made a new one tonight. I was able to use the ''asexual'' option on sign up, which i wasnt able to do with my old profile. I met a lovely man in the space of about 10 minutes who was really open to discussing my asexuality and said it was one of the most interesting conversations he had ever had on that site, so clearly they aren't all bad :P And there are a lot of other asexuals on okcupid now that there is the option to sign up and identify as an asexual :)

I opened my OKC account just a little over a week ago, and I didn't see an option to list myself as asexual. I have searched and searched for that option and have been unable to find it. I must be missing something.

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SunshinesMom

Im an aromantic, so the only bit of information I can offer may become obsolete at this Ace meetup you've signed up for, but here goes.

In order to help sexual people understand, I've found it helps to relate it to something they DO understand. Find some fairly mainstream, well liked show, activity, or maybe even social site that most people can't stop talking about but this particular person has zero interest in. For my mom, it was computer games. I asked her if she hated not having time to play them, and she asked if I was feeling alright because I knew she hated them. I told her that so many people love them, there are so many kinds, was she sure she just wasn't bad at them and didn't like loosing all the time? She was irritated at my persistence. So I explained that how she felt towards video games was how I felt towards sex...I simply had no desire, though I didn't care if other people enjoyed it.

Maybe a potential partner doesnt like Facebook, or Game of Thrones, or gaming, or tv in general. Find something that he doesn't like that puts him in the minority of people and explain to him that his feelings about this thing are like your feelings on sex. You simply have no interest, and its very disheartening when people keep trying to find out why or suggest that just trying it will make you 'see the light'. Even if he still can't understand intellectually, he may be able to empathize emotionally, and that could help.

This is very helpful advice, thank you.

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SunshinesMom

I agree with the others here - that trying to have a sexual relationship would be unsuccessful. Besides the trauma it would surely cause you, I think most sexuals would be equally unhappy in such an arrangement. Most sexuals want an enthusiastic, giving sexual partner, and do not enjoy the act if their partner is not also enjoying it. You should continue your search for an ace partner.

You could also work on learning to be happy on your own. Others (even ace) are drawn to confident people, and are NOT looking for someone that is desperate or wants to be saved in some way. You might have more success online if your profile shows you are someone who can take care of themselves.

I've been able to fool sexual partners into thinking I am enjoying it. I did it for their sake. Again, I haven't been intimate with anyone in almost 15 years, so it has been a while since I have had to put on that act. I have been providing for myself for the past 26 years, without any help from anyone. I am confident. This isn't about confidence or self esteem. Its about lonliness and trying to survive. I am "happy on my own" so to speak, which is why I've been alone for such a long time. I just want companionship. Someone to share life with. Why does that equate to not being happy or confident? Like millions of other Americans, I struggle financially, and am constantly teetering on the edge of homelessness. I work full time, 2 jobs whenever I can, but there is no way to save for retirement on my income. I will literally have to work until I drop dead. I don't want to get into the legistics, but furthering my education is not an option right now. Many, many people in the real world (sexual world) pair up for practical reasons.

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SunshinesMom

Did you specify an age of 40+? :> I think that might be relevant.

On my OKC account, yes I did.

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SunshinesMom

I just want to thank everyone for their suggestions, advice, and input. I appreciate your willingness to try and help. I think the most helpful advice would probably be from someone who has been in my situation before. When you are on the outside looking in, its easy to say, "No, don't do it". Is there anyone other than Mycroft is Yourcroft who has been in this situation before?

Also, I think it is important to note, that the founder of this website felt he had to compromise his asexuality and did so in order to obtain a serious, committed relationship with someone. If you feel inclined to judge, I would ask that you please take that into consideration.

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Philip027
Searching the forums here on AVEN and commenting on posts with the sole purpose of hoping someone will notice me and possibly be interested in persuing a relationship with me (or vice versa) seems like a massive waste of time and energy.

To me, looking for a relationship purely for its own sake is the real waste of time and energy :/

That's not to say there aren't other people like that out there (I'm sure there's plenty, actually) but if that is really your only goal out of interactions with others, I have to wonder about just how much fun you actually are to be around, let alone be in a relationship with.

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FictoVore.

For me, on my new sign up I was given the option of something like "gay, bi straight or other" I clicked other and it opened up a set of other options like demisexual, asexual, pansexual, questioning etc. I clicked questioning and asexual (because not sure if I'm grey, not that it really matters but yeah) .. In the matchmaker search engine, there is an option specifically to search for asexuals, so people looking for an asexual partner would find you there if you were able to get your sexual orientation listed as asexual. With my old account I was absolutely unable to *change* my orientation to asexual, because on sign up I had clicked bisexual (there was no other or ace or pan option) and I just couldn't find any way to change it to anything other than gay or straight, even under the "edit sexual orientation" section .. Maybe you could make a new email address (using gmail) and try to do a test account on OKC .. when you sign up, during the sign up process, see if the there is an "other" option and click that, and it should take you to the alternate sexualities menu? then you could just go ahead and make a new account as an asexual ..otherwise I think someone here may have said a while ago that you can email the OKc team and request your sexuality be changed to asexual?

the best ways to get hits on your profile are to have interesting profile pics (you doing crafts, working on a car, scuber diving.. something that you perosnally are passionate about) ..people with no profile pic or with bad profile pics naturally get about 40% less serious hits (not sure of the statistics but it was pretty high) ..you also need to have all the info in your profile filled out, completely. You don't have to try to be like everyone else, just be you and be honest. The most important thing for visibility of your profile is to answer questions.. every time you answer a question your profile comes up in the activity feed, you only have to answer questions that are relevant to you, you can skip the lame ones. there are an unlimited amount of questions, so you'll never run out. Also when answering questions, your personality profile is built, and that is what the site uses (along with your answers) to match you to other users. it will give you lists of people you have high matches with, and the matches will come up in your searches.

About the scammers, just avoid answering messages from anyone who looks like they are from Nigeria, Uganda, all the countries on the continent of Africa pretty much. and avoid answering messages from people who have no or very little profile info. That's how to avoid the majority of scammers (they are on all dating and penpal sites, not just cupid) .. and yep I get that sounds a bit racist saying avoid answering messages from Nigerians etc, but I've been using cupid and sites like it for over a decade now (penpal sites when I was younger) and have never met ONE genuine man from any of those countries .. they talk to you for about 20 mins then start asking for credit card details and things like that, it's disgusting. just avoid them. and people with little to no profile info, in my books, aren't serious about finding a partner (and that's how most people see it) so yeah, no point in replying to them.

Anyway maybe you knew all that already, but I thought I'd put it out there just in case. If it doesn't help you maybe it'd help someone else here.

Also the highest matches I've found, in all honestly, are on forums like this one lol. sure I've met lots of interesting people on OKcupid, but the people who I'd most want a relationship, intimacy, or long term friendship with have all been met in the forums and in chat here.. Just putting yourself out there, associating with people with similar interests to you, really seems to aid a lot in drawing matches to you. That's what's happens in my experience anyway. (EDIT: and I completely agree with what Philip said, I've never been actively *looking* for a relationship while on forums or in chat, just having fun, being myself, and making friends.. and things just sort of go from there on their own in all sorts of surprising ways!)

And regarding the title, never, ever "whore yourself out". you'll only end up miserable, with a miserable partner. would you rather be single and lonely, with the chance of meeting a wonderful asexual guy at some point, or trapped in a miserable relationship? fuck the latter. That's what I say. But other people have already covered my thoughts on that topic so I won't reiterate here.

Good luck :cake:

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FictoVore.

Oh and in reply to your question: anyone else been in a situation like this, what advice can you give?

Yep, I've been there before. I was in a 5 year long relationship with a sexual person, as I believed having a relationship was more important than the things I would have to do to maintain that relationship. It was hell on earth, for those 5 long years, and I now have two children and an ex in prison because of it.

I am a solo parent of two under 5s, on an extremely low income, struggling every day to make ends meet. I have no support network, I cannot drive, and I go without new clothes and nice things (and sometimes food too) so I can feed and clothe my children. I am relatively young (26) relatively attractive, and could quite easily obtain a relationship with a sexual man who will be willing to support me and my children..and yeah having an H cup on a small frame helps immensely. It honestly wouldn't be hard for me to get a sexual partner with plenty of money and I know it sounds stuck-up saying all that, but I'm being honest for the sake of illustrating my point.

Would I use and degrade a sexual man in that way, just for financial stability? would I let myself be used and degraded in that way, forcing myself to give him sex to try to keep him happy so he won't fuck off and leave me? Fuck no. Never. I'd never do that to someone else or to myself.

My advice stands. Find someone who is right for you, an asexual man who can love and respect and care for you (or a sexual man who will do the same, someone who truly respects and loves you and can understand and respect your boundaries and who you love and respect in return, not someone who will just be with you to fuck you).

Don't ever get into a relationship so you can open your legs just for a paycheck. How could you, or your sexual partner, be happy in a relationship like that?

EDIT: I hope that didn't sound too harsh.. I get a little passionate about this topic as it is something close to my own heart for all the wrong reasons.

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SunshinesMom
Searching the forums here on AVEN and commenting on posts with the sole purpose of hoping someone will notice me and possibly be interested in persuing a relationship with me (or vice versa) seems like a massive waste of time and energy.

To me, looking for a relationship purely for its own sake is the real waste of time and energy :/

That's not to say there aren't other people like that out there (I'm sure there's plenty, actually) but if that is really your only goal out of interactions with others, I have to wonder about just how much fun you actually are to be around, let alone be in a relationship with.

What in the world gave you the idea that my only purpose in interacting with others is to persue a long term relationship with someone? That is ridiculous. The fact that I've been out of a relationship for over 15 years speaks volumes against that acusation. I guess everyone on OKC, eHarmony, Match, POF, etc must not be that fun to be around since most are seeking long term relationships with other people?

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Philip027
What in the world gave you the idea that my only purpose in interacting with others is to persue a long term relationship with someone?

Just going by what I quoted from you. That is what it seemed to suggest, like it's pointless to you to hang around here because you're only interested in "real life" relationships.

If that's not what you meant, then forgive me for misreading you, but that is what it sounded like >_>

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Serran

I just want to thank everyone for their suggestions, advice, and input. I appreciate your willingness to try and help. I think the most helpful advice would probably be from someone who has been in my situation before. When you are on the outside looking in, its easy to say, "No, don't do it". Is there anyone other than Mycroft is Yourcroft who has been in this situation before?

Also, I think it is important to note, that the founder of this website felt he had to compromise his asexuality and did so in order to obtain a serious, committed relationship with someone. If you feel inclined to judge, I would ask that you please take that into consideration.

I am currently in a nine year relationship with a sexual. It's EXTREMELY hard to have sex day in and day out when I do not want it. You sound a bit negative about sex, while I am neutral and I still find it extremely difficult to do. The longer it goes on, the harder it gets, unless you can enjoy it in some way. Read the sexual friends & allies section to see how an asexual partner can cause heartache to a sexual as well (even if the asexual doesn't come out as such, it often becomes something they notice over time). The longer a relationship lasts, the harder it gets on both sides and the harder it would be to "fake". Plus, a relationship built on lies is in general not going to be very healthy (my partner knows I am not interested in sex, else it would be unbearable to keep going and as is, I am not sure I can keep it up forever...). My mother went 24 years or so having sex when she didn't want it and ended up giving up the shared income, security and such just to be able to be alone and a big part of it is that she is allowed to be celibate again. She doesn't want to bother trying to find an asexual man, so she stays single.

As for the founder, DJ, I assume you are talking about the (A)sexual documentary? At the end, it was quite sad, he had gotten upset and seemed to be feeling a bit hopeless. Since then, I have heard he's found a non-sexual partner and last I read about it, they were considering adding a child to their lives. So, consider the end, not just the moment of heartache you witnessed in a short part of his life.

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