Tristesse? (Possibly TMI)

[Undine Nicky]

Um. Okay. I don't know how to get into this without a long story, so grab a cup of cocoa, 'cause this is gonna be long @.@

I've always more-or-less identified as a an ace, but something relatively new is discovering that trans people exist. Right now I identify as female, even though I haven't begun any kind of transition (stupid conservative parents >.>). To add to this is that I'm going through a major anxiety/depression episode, so my life is a mess X.x To help cope, I've been talking with some of my online friends, especially one who's genderfluid and also suffering from depression. Xe's been EXTREMELY supportive, especially about treating me as female even when I don't feel like one.

Somehow, something sexy sparked between us, even though we're about half a continent away from each other. Xe started sharing pics and videos of xemself - mostly dancing and dressing up and innocent stuff like that - but then on a dare/as a joke xe sent me a video of xem stripping, which... um, for the first time in my life, I felt aroused o//o And then xe kept sending more explicit videos, which I've found that I'm able to masturbate to -- this is really weird for me, 'cause I've never liked masturbation before, and I used to get freaked out when I even had an erection. o////o

So, here's what I have a question about. I'm able to masturbate and have fun if my friend's around for hugs and comfort on Skype afterwards. But, if xe's not around, then after I finish I get depressed. ._. I feel dirty and squicky, but mostly I feel dysphoric, and especially I feel lonely. I want my friend around for cuddles and comfort and flirting and... just anything and everything.

Is this normal? Is it "a demi thing" that sexy stuff doesn't work well if my friend isn't around? Does anyone else have this? It really sounds like "a demi thing", but at same time, it might be "a trans thing" - I'm pretty uncomfortable with my body, and I'm feeling all dysphoric afterwards, so I don't know x.X

[Philip027]

Is it "a demi thing" that sexy stuff doesn't work well if my friend isn't around?

That's pretty much how I am with my current partner :redface: The difference being, I don't experience any real dysphoria (I'm agendered but I don't really care about what my body looks like), and outside of these sorts of encounters with my partner nothing really works -- there's just zero compulsion to do anything like that. >_>

I don't know whether to call it demisexuality, because neither of us feels attracted to the other in a sexual way. But the way we respond to each other can sometimes appear like demisexuality anyway, so I don't think either of us would necessarily say someone was wrong for thinking of us that way >_>

A friend of mine suggested the concept of demilibidoism, which might apply to me, because prior to my current partner I've never experienced anything "sexual" outside of the occasional weird dream.

[Ficulnean]

It sounds to me like it's maybe both o those things, especially since you've gotten used to relying on him for body image support. And, sexual stuff brings to the forefront body image concerns, so the way I'm reading this is one and then the other.