LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 "Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational" That was in the fortune cookie on our first date. Holy cow is it incredibly true for us. I'm 22 and just started dating my first girlfriend. It's been two months and yesterday she told me she's asexual (she made me gess at it for a while). I don't know what to make of it really. Were both virgins and haven't done anything beyond a little cuddling. I know she has a little in the way of sexual desires, from what I've known. I'm patient and willing to wait for when/if she's ready, but I've been struggling to figure out what this means for us in the long run. I like her a lot, and I reckon I'll be telling her I love her soon enough. She also told me (as a hint when I was trying to guess) that it wouldn't affect me unless she told me. I'm confused, and unsure on how/if I should treat her differently. Can anyone help enlighten me on this? Link to post Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Hmmm it seems like she's being sort of cryptic "wouldn't affect me unless she told me".. I wouldn't treat her differently, but I would talk to her about her asexuality more. You know, get to know her/how she feels about relationships :P This might help you: Have a great day, and welcome to the forums Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thanks! I do plan on talking with her about it soon. I just don't want to go into that conversation with little to no knowledge on the subject. I'll have to view that picture on my computer. Phone won't zoom in at all. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Don't know how to edit on here yet, so apologies for the double post. That picture does help a little, thank you! And she does like to tease and be a little sadistic (not in the beat me up sense, she's just playfully mean.) I really don't want to mess this up. She's perfect in almost every way. Is there anything I shouldn't/shouldn't say? Link to post Share on other sites
ithaca Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Hey LordPanzi, first of all welcome to AVEN This is a forum where many asexual people find a community, but not only them. We have many friends, family and partners of asexuals who come here to ask some questions and then stay because they like this place. I hope you'll be one of those, if you like it here! As far as your situation goes, if you're interested in a relationship with sexual intimacy of any kind, you may want to ask her what her feelings are about sex or sexual foreplay or similar things. Even though it may be hard sometimes, the ideal setting for this kind of conversation would be for you not to send across any hopes or expectations that may influence her answers or make her feel like she would let you down if her honest answers would not be something you'd like to hear. The reason why I think it's important to have this kind of conversation, is that asexual people don't all feel the same way about sexual contact. I wrote this some time ago, and I hope it would be useful: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/83866-asexual-people-and-sex/ Please don't think that my post in that thread is describing all the possible feelings asexual people may have regarding sex. It most certainly doesn't, as each person has different ideas, feelings, nuances of expressing or feeling things, etc. Good luck with your relationship and I hope communication will help you and her setting the right boundaries and finding the right solution for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thank you for the good wishes. I'm considering waiting a bit to talk with her about it. We've only been together two months. We both agreed that if we made it to four months that it's love "psychology says" thing she shared with me said that. I think I might be making a bigger deal of this than I should. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 By "a little in the way of sexual desires" do you mean she's Gray-Asexual/Gray-A? It's an umbrella term so there could ba alot of possibilities. She could experience sexual attraction rarely (rarely finding someone sexually attractive or rare/randomly as a whole), under specific cercomstances, after a certain bond, it comes and goes in the relationship, she's indifferent to sexual reciprocation, only after someone has sexual interest first, she initially has it in the relationship but it permanently fades away, etc. Also, by her saying it wouldn't effect your relationship, she seems to be implying that she's a sexually compromising Asexual or Gray-Asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I think so, star. Gray seems the right term. She admitted to having enjoyed yaoi (will not explain right now) and has been a bit flirty on rare occasions. Found out how to edit: she also does have some preferences. She did say she would like to me keep clean shaved. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Getting aroused by erotica does not automatically mean sexual attraction. Masturbatory habits do not reflect a sexuality. Asexuals may or may not masturbate and may or may not use erotica. Getting aroused by it can be a bodily responce to the suggestion of sexual pleasure; just like the body produces extra saliva when smelling food. Sexual attraction is aimed toward a specific person and desires to do sexual things to that person. Yaoi is gay animated porn fyi. Yuri is the girl version. Though some ppl confuse the title yaoi with shonen-ai; just the relationship/romance part of a gay male relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ah, didn't know that first part. That clears things up a bit. That was one thing that confused me before. Thank google I found this place. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 What did you mean by mentioning that she's been flirty and wants you cleanly shaven? It seems irelavent to the sexual topic. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Sorry. Wasn't sure if it was relevant or not. Won't happen again, hopefully. Edit: I thought it might be a sign of attraction or something along those lines. Link to post Share on other sites
ithaca Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 What did you mean by mentioning that she's been flirty and wants you cleanly shaven? It seems irelavent to the sexual topic. It could be relevant if she's making sexual advances and is outright asking him to be shaven, maybe (or maybe not, unclear) meaning she'd like it better if his "intimate parts" were shaved. For some partners, it can be more pleasant (or less repulsive according to one's situation) if the genitals are shaved and they want to engage in oral sex (or other kinds of sex, it is really personal). LordPanzi, as I was saying, if you like it here, feel free to have fun in our community section and/or ask as many questions as needed! And you really don't need to apologise for posting stuff you'd like to share :) Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thank you again. I'm going to do a lot of looking around, reading, an asking questions before I talk to her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 That's fine; if you thought it was relevant then mentioning it is fine, i just didn't see how those things were sexual. Shaven genitals did come to mind as i tried to connect the two but since you didnt mention anything along the lines of "down there" i thought you just meant beard wise. Flirting isn't sexual, it's just romantic. Unless you mean she's been sexually suggestive. Link to post Share on other sites
LordPanzi Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 Hey all. Thank you all again for the patience with me. We have talked and I went thru (what I feel) was an overly negative reaction. I've calmed down (took me way too damn long) In not sure if we can make it work, but I want to try. She said it might be possible for us to do "it" in the future. Neither of us can say for certain what's going to happen, but I can definitely say that it's better than how I was before. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.