Infidelity, Allosexuality and Asexuality

[KendraPM]

Ok, let me start off by saying that I fully understand that "cheating" is defined by you and your partner(s), and that what is cheating for one is not for another. I'm not trying to define cheating or say that one sexuality is more likely to cheat than another or any such thing. This is more a theory that came into my head about my personal views on infidelity and I'd like to throw it out there to see how others feel about it and if anyone else relates.

I recently discovered my sexuality and came out to my mom (it was surprisingly difficult and I broke down crying, which I didn't expect), and afterwards we got to discussing how I veiw sex and it got me thinking. I don't experience sexual attraction, but if my partner has sex with someone else it's the absolute worst way to cheat on me in my mind. And now I wonder is that because I don't experience sexual attraction? I'm heteroromantic, and if my boyfriend developes a crush on someone else it doesn't really bother me (as long as he doesn't persue a relationsihp), because I figured it can't really be helped. If he finds someone attractive to look at, it again doesn't bother me. If he cuddles with someone.....that depends. If it's not someone he's romantically attracted to and he's not hiding it, I'm fine. It's only if I feel it's creeping into "something more" territory that my possessive side come out. But sexually....I'm not at all OK with any form of sexual contact between my partner and anyone else. And I think a big part of that is because I don't understand it. If he's aroused, he should call me. If he decides he wants to be in a relationship with someone else, he should break up with me. I just don't see any situation in which someone would want to cheat sexually.

I'm not trying to excuse the idea of any future boyfriend of mine cheating on me, I'm still sticking to my "I'm not OK with this" guns, but the idea that I may not understand what it's like to experience the desire to have a sex with someone has got me wondering that's why I don't understand why anyone could even be tempted.

[Absol]

Before I really understood asexuality, (and by contrast, allosexuality,) I would wonder the same thing. It really didn't make sense to me why someone would do that to their girlfriend/boyfriend that they loved, and why the person who had been cheated on wouldn't just dump them right away. I still don't have an answer, but I know now that sexual attraction- even though I don't feel it- is a pretty powerful thing for those that do, and apparently can make people do stupid things like cheating. I think a lot of my strong beliefs on things of that nature may stem partially from the fact that I don't fully understand it. (I do not like the idea of strip clubs, because they seem demeaning to me, and the same goes for prostitution). Part of it is from my own personal morals, and I am without a doubt a feminist, but I think my views on these subjects are influenced by my asexuality. But it is a part of who I am, so I doubt my views will change any time soon ;)

[Hikishi]

See, I'm the opposite way around. I've been in open relationships.

I would allowmy partner to go off and have sex with other people because I can't give them what they want when it comes to sexual satisfaction, and I'll be honest, I can't stand the thought of my other half not being fulfilled in a relationship with me.

At the same speed, I don't expect them to go without. It's a fact that the world is heavily sexualised and that most non-asexuals need sex (or masturbation) to have healthy lives and relationships (Note I said most, this is not true for all).

Now if my other half wanted to take someone else on a date or cuddle with them the way they do me, that I would class as cheating. because that part of a relationship is reserved especially for us, as it's something that we both like and can do. I couldn't care less about sex, and have had the talk before with a significant other about it. They could have sex with other people if they wanted, as long as it was safe, no strings attached sex (Shame I haven't been in a full on relationship since tinder came along, that thing is a godsend!).

Now, not everyone is in agreement with this kind of relationship, and it can be hard to accept that a partner can make this compromise.

However, that's what it is, a compromise. Your other half, if he is not asexual, may find it incredibly restrictive that he can't have sex with you or anyone. Or, he might rise to it and be happy. There's no way to know.

What I do advise though in all cases, is honest and open communication from the start of any relationship, to let each other know where you stand and figure out where you want to go from there.

[oldgeeza]

A long time before I ever knew about asexuality, I knew I didn't enjoy sex, I tried it, I had two sexual partners, but only attempted sex at most, a handful of times in total, I came to the reality that I can't enjoy sex, so I gave up on sex, it was assumed that I didn't enjoy sex because I'd always been cheated on, I knew it wasn't, but, every partner I have been with were cheating, I accepted that, it put me off relationships as I ended up being suspect if a woman got too close to me, luckily, I'm not blessed with looks, (I have been told I'm repulsive), so I don't actually have any relationship worries.

I never realised until I moved into the modern world at the age of 40 and bought my first computer that there were others like myself that don't like sex, I just accepted I was broken, it was good to find out there's others like myself, I'm open about my asexuality now, i don't have any experience of it putting women off, as I mentioned, I am not blessed with looks, female friends that I do have are all in relationships, but I know it sounds bad, but if a woman wanted a relationship with me, my thoughts would be that she's desperate, or she's cheating, it may sound sad, but I've got used to the single life, I've been on my own for many years now, but I don't let anyone down and I don't get cheated, it works for me, that doesn't mean that asexuals can't find happiness, I kno of a few asexuals that have found happiness, it doesn't mean that an asexual has to remain single, mine is out of choice.

[Absol]

See, I'm the opposite way around. I've been in open relationships.

I would allowmy partner to go off and have sex with other people because I can't give them what they want when it comes to sexual satisfaction, and I'll be honest, I can't stand the thought of my other half not being fulfilled in a relationship with me.

At the same speed, I don't expect them to go without. It's a fact that the world is heavily sexualised and that most non-asexuals need sex (or masturbation) to have healthy lives and relationships (Note I said most, this is not true for all).

Now if my other half wanted to take someone else on a date or cuddle with them the way they do me, that I would class as cheating. because that part of a relationship is reserved especially for us, as it's something that we both like and can do. I couldn't care less about sex, and have had the talk before with a significant other about it. They could have sex with other people if they wanted, as long as it was safe, no strings attached sex (Shame I haven't been in a full on relationship since tinder came along, that thing is a godsend!).

Now, not everyone is in agreement with this kind of relationship, and it can be hard to accept that a partner can make this compromise.

However, that's what it is, a compromise. Your other half, if he is not asexual, may find it incredibly restrictive that he can't have sex with you or anyone. Or, he might rise to it and be happy. There's no way to know.

What I do advise though in all cases, is honest and open communication from the start of any relationship, to let each other know where you stand and figure out where you want to go from there.

Oh, just to be clear, my post was meant for relationships in general (i.e. relationships that aren't complicated by having partners of different sexualities trying to work out a compromise) As far as personal relationships go... well I really have no clue. I haven't had to deal with that yet, and trying to figure out what I would do in hypothetical situations makes my head hurt. But I'm not so unreasonable as to expect an allosexual to get no sex from me or anyone else and simply deal with it. And in my books, one partner having sex with another person doesn't count as cheating if both partners consent. :)

[Philip027]

I recently discovered my sexuality and came out to my mom (it was surprisingly difficult and I broke down crying, which I didn't expect), and afterwards we got to discussing how I veiw sex and it got me thinking. I don't experience sexual attraction, but if my partner has sex with someone else it's the absolute worst way to cheat on me in my mind. And now I wonder is that because I don't experience sexual attraction? I'm heteroromantic, and if my boyfriend developes a crush on someone else it doesn't really bother me (as long as he doesn't persue a relationsihp), because I figured it can't really be helped. If he finds someone attractive to look at, it again doesn't bother me. If he cuddles with someone.....that depends. If it's not someone he's romantically attracted to and he's not hiding it, I'm fine. It's only if I feel it's creeping into "something more" territory that my possessive side come out. But sexually....I'm not at all OK with any form of sexual contact between my partner and anyone else. And I think a big part of that is because I don't understand it. If he's aroused, he should call me. If he decides he wants to be in a relationship with someone else, he should break up with me. I just don't see any situation in which someone would want to cheat sexually.

It's because you realize, it's not thoughts that count, it's actions that do. We can't police thoughts.

Being able to admit to an attraction (romantic, sexual, or otherwise) outside of the relationship can actually be a gesture that signifies trust.

[Rising Sun]

It's normal that even as an asexual, you can't bear the idea of your partner cheating on you sexually. You know that for your boyfriend, sex is the most intimate act possible, so if he does what he considers the most intimate thing on Earth with another person, it's naturally unbearable.

After, of course, I don't say that it's the same thing for everyone, and polyamorous persons won't share my opinion anyway, as I'm talking as a monogamous person. It's simply not abnormal to not want a sexually open relationship while being asexual.

(That said, personally, I would find my partner having sex with feelings for someone else totally unforgivable, whereas purely "physical" sex is something that I might forgive with time.)

[dissolved]

Sex for some people can be (and often is) meaningless. It can be simply a method of "getting your end away" to put it bluntly. I've been cheated on in the past and I didn't feel betrayed necessarily (my concerns were mostly from a hygiene point of view) unless they actually had feelings for whoever it was that they'd cheated with.

[Autumn Season]

Isn't it usually allosexual people, who get extremely upset about even the thought of their partner cheating on them? I talked to a grey-sexual man the other day and he told me, after breaking up with his girlfriend he was constantly thinking that she was probably having sex with other men now and that thought was unbearably painful.

As an asexual I would also not like my partner to have sex with someone other than me. Partially because I don't understand feelings which lead to wanting sex, but for other reasons as well. If they didn't ask for my consent then I would think they don't respect me or don't take me seriously. Also sex is not just a physical act. For some people or some situations that might be true, but as far as I know physical closeness, especially sex lead to an emotional connection. And if this was a connection that my partner would form with a third person then, yes, I would feel jealous and insecure.

On the other handside I don't think I would care if my ex-partner had sex with anyone.

[foodsobber]

I'm quite torn.

My first girlfriend after coming out lived half the year across the Atlantic from me, and I know she was really rather dependent on sex, and that for her sex was about a sudden rush and not so much a bond. I knew that I mattered to her because she was constantly around me knowing that I was more reluctant. When we got together, we agreed that she could fulfill her sexual desires with others, providing that she told me every time. It was a deal and it was very healthy when we ended it. A few people did express that she was robbing me blind and being too nice; but I feel that as I previously have struggled with nicotine, alcohol, and over-the-counter meds (all before my 20s), I am a bit more sympathetic: for her, it was a more physical experience.

Had that girlfriend been passionately kissing guys or arranging anything other than sex, I would have considered that cheating (and thought of it has betrayal), because we had a mutual understanding from the beginning. Of course, since her I have developed this mindset where I feel I am actually much more in a place where I am sandwiched between allosexuality and asexuality, and that if someone I am with asks once in a while, I will have sex and possibly enjoy it mainly because of it being with someone I am romantically attracted to.

My latest relationship (until a few days ago) was with a homosexual male. There was no agreement like the first relationship, and some time into our relationship I did feel that I was slightly sexually attracted at times. Whilst I know his history was one night stands and that I was his first boyfriend, there was nothing that made me consider that no sex or very rare sex would be a deterrent for him. I think if he did go off and have sex with someone, it would have really hurt me because there was no agreement. And also I would be open to discussion. It would be a total betrayal, whilst my ex-girlfriend and I had very open and flowing converstion every time she needed to claim her next stand.

I think that now my future relationships will be very much based on a more conventional relationship, so long as the partner doesn't explicitly display signs that they really crave sex. Romantic and sexual displays will now be part of the exclusive package

[Tarfeather]

If they didn't ask for my consent then I would think they don't respect me or don't take me seriously. Also sex is not just a physical act. For some people or some situations that might be true, but as far as I know physical closeness, especially sex lead to an emotional connection. And if this was a connection that my partner would form with a third person then, yes, I would feel jealous and insecure.

Personally I see that mentality as something to grow out of and overcome. I used to feel like this. I feel less like this every day, and it's making my life a lot better.

[Kappamaki]

I think it's worth mentioning that Western culture tends to define cheating as having sex with someone outside the relationship (unless it's worked out through communication beforehand and both within the relationship agree), so individuals living within that culture will probably think along those same lines.

[Autumn Season]

Just now I watched a video from Laci Green on Youtube called CHEATER, CHEATER...

I thought people here might be interested as well. :)

[KendraPM]

I recently discovered my sexuality and came out to my mom (it was surprisingly difficult and I broke down crying, which I didn't expect), and afterwards we got to discussing how I veiw sex and it got me thinking. I don't experience sexual attraction, but if my partner has sex with someone else it's the absolute worst way to cheat on me in my mind. And now I wonder is that because I don't experience sexual attraction? I'm heteroromantic, and if my boyfriend developes a crush on someone else it doesn't really bother me (as long as he doesn't persue a relationsihp), because I figured it can't really be helped. If he finds someone attractive to look at, it again doesn't bother me. If he cuddles with someone.....that depends. If it's not someone he's romantically attracted to and he's not hiding it, I'm fine. It's only if I feel it's creeping into "something more" territory that my possessive side come out. But sexually....I'm not at all OK with any form of sexual contact between my partner and anyone else. And I think a big part of that is because I don't understand it. If he's aroused, he should call me. If he decides he wants to be in a relationship with someone else, he should break up with me. I just don't see any situation in which someone would want to cheat sexually.

It's because you realize, it's not thoughts that count, it's actions that do. We can't police thoughts.

Being able to admit to an attraction (romantic, sexual, or otherwise) outside of the relationship can actually be a gesture that signifies trust.

That's a good point. And that's exactly how I see it. Finding someone is hot, developing a crush, even sexual attraction, none of those bother me. It's the acting on them that does. That is a very good point.

Isn't it usually allosexual people, who get extremely upset about even the thought of their partner cheating on them?

...

On the other handside I don't think I would care if my ex-partner had sex with anyone.

I don't know, but wouldn't think so. I'm cupiosexual, and the idea of my partner cheating, while upsetting, isn't something I really think about too much. Obviously I do think about it (I brought up the topic) but it's not something I wonder about while in a relationship. I don't go around wondering "Is he cheating?" when I am in a relationship. And since it's not something usually on my mind, would probably find the thought to be sign I was picking up on something.

The thought usually makes me slightly uncomfortable, when I find out my ex has begun dating again or is sleeping with someone, but I'm mostly just happy for them or indifferent.

I think it's worth mentioning that Western culture tends to define cheating as having sex with someone outside the relationship (unless it's worked out through communication beforehand and both within the relationship agree), so individuals living within that culture will probably think along those same lines.

That could be part of it. US culture defines cheating as that. Although I rather like what Phillip said, that it's the action that I find to be cheating, and not the attraction.

Just now I watched a video from Laci Green on Youtube called CHEATER, CHEATER...

I thought people here might be interested as well. :)

That was an interesting watch. And I agree with a lot of what she said, except the forgivable-ness of some infidelity. I've always been very firm (and upfront with my partners) that if my partner has sexual contact with anyone else, I am done with the relationship. I see it as a choice, and if they will make the choice to betray me in that fashion, I don't want to work it out. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I go in with full trust, and once that trust is gone it's hard to bring back. Or maybe it has more to do with over possessive nature (you should see how much I freak out if someone so much as tries to move my purse from one chair to another, and that's just a handbag. I'm very much a "don't touch my things" sort of person) that makes me unable to accept somoene after they've cheated.

Now, I've never had a long distance relationsihp, actively avoided them in fact, so not sure if I'd make any sort of compromise there. I express affection in physical touch and the thought of being with someone I couldn't touch.....it's very unpleasant, which is a big reason I've avoided long distant relationships.

[Tarfeather]

I think it's worth mentioning that Western culture tends to define cheating as having sex with someone outside the relationship (unless it's worked out through communication beforehand and both within the relationship agree), so individuals living within that culture will probably think along those same lines.

Uhm.. why is that worth mentioning, exactly? I mean, let's just remember that this same culture is the one who defines an asexual as broken and mentally ill, so I wouldn't really give too much store by any of these definitions.

[Kappamaki]

I think it's worth mentioning that Western culture tends to define cheating as having sex with someone outside the relationship (unless it's worked out through communication beforehand and both within the relationship agree), so individuals living within that culture will probably think along those same lines.

Uhm.. why is that worth mentioning, exactly? I mean, let's just remember that this same culture is the one who defines an asexual as broken and mentally ill, so I wouldn't really give too much store by any of these definitions.

Because the OP lives in said culture and it affects how people within that culture think. If we're talking about why we think in certain ways, it's relevant information.

[Visenya]

Even though I'd never forgive/respect someone who cheats, I think that, if I had a partner and he had sex with someone else, I'd feel less disgusted and angry if he had feelings for the other person. At least I'd know that he ruined our relationship for something more than meaningless sex.

But, either way, I would never forgive someone who cheats, and I usually try to stay away (romantically speaking) from people who have cheated on previous partners. Besides, I'd rather date a guy who sees sex as a emotional and intimate act, especially if I tried to compromise on sex for him.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I could handle a sexless (for me) poly relationship. It doesn't sound so bad, when I come to think of it, but I don't know... Maybe it's easier said than done. ;)

[KendraPM]

Even though I'd never forgive/respect someone who cheats, I think that, if I had a partner and he had sex with someone else, I'd feel less disgusted and angry if he had feelings for the other person. At least I'd know that he ruined our relationship for something more than meaningless sex.

But, either way, I would never forgive someone who cheats, and I usually try to stay away (romantically speaking) from people who have cheated on previous partners. Besides, I'd rather date a guy who sees sex as a emotional and intimate act, especially if I tried to compromise on sex for him.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I could handle a sexless (for me) poly relationship. It doesn't sound so bad, when I come to think of it, but I don't know... Maybe it's easier said than done. ;)

I can see that. Although I still strongly feel that if my partners feelings have develeoped that strongly for another person, respect me enough to break up with me for them before you do anything physical. I'm also not ok with cultivating a romantic relatinship while involved with someone else. To me, that's cheating too. Crushes and likeing someone, all that can't be helped, but the moment one starts to actively pursue a romantic relationsihp with someone other than their partner, they've cheated. (For monogomous relationships. Anything pre-discussed and agreed upon as not cheating doesn't count as cheating.)

I enjoy partnered sex. And I think that's also why I see it as such a confusing concept, emtionless sexual cheating. It's not a sexless relationship. But at the same time, if I didn't enjoy sex and didn't want it as part of my romantic relationship, I still don't think I'd be OK with my partner sleeping with other people.

[Visenya]

Even though I'd never forgive/respect someone who cheats, I think that, if I had a partner and he had sex with someone else, I'd feel less disgusted and angry if he had feelings for the other person. At least I'd know that he ruined our relationship for something more than meaningless sex.

But, either way, I would never forgive someone who cheats, and I usually try to stay away (romantically speaking) from people who have cheated on previous partners. Besides, I'd rather date a guy who sees sex as a emotional and intimate act, especially if I tried to compromise on sex for him.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I could handle a sexless (for me) poly relationship. It doesn't sound so bad, when I come to think of it, but I don't know... Maybe it's easier said than done. ;)

I can see that. Although I still strongly feel that if my partners feelings have develeoped that strongly for another person, respect me enough to break up with me for them before you do anything physical. I'm also not ok with cultivating a romantic relatinship while involved with someone else. To me, that's cheating too. Crushes and likeing someone, all that can't be helped, but the moment one starts to actively pursue a romantic relationsihp with someone other than their partner, they've cheated. (For monogomous relationships. Anything pre-discussed and agreed upon as not cheating doesn't count as cheating.)

I totally agree with you on this! Since I'm monoamorous, I cannot understand how people can feel romantically attracted to more than one person at a time. That's why I'd prefer a partner who's also compatible with me in that regard (although I don't consider it a deal breaker). However, I might (might!) be ok with a partner having a crush on someone else (they can't control how they feel after all), but pursuing another relationship? Hell, no! For me, cheating of any kind repulses me. It takes me a VERY long time to trust someone, so no way I would put up with such betrayal.

[Philip027]

I totally agree with you on this! Since I'm monoamorous, I cannot understand how people can feel romantically attracted to more than one person at a time. That's why I'd prefer a partner who's also compatible with me in that regard (although I don't consider it a deal breaker). However, I might (might!) be ok with a partner having a crush on someone else (they can't control how they feel after all), but pursuing another relationship? Hell, no! For me, cheating of any kind repulses me. It takes me a VERY long time to trust someone, so no way I would put up with such betrayal.

It's interesting (and comforting) to see more perspectives like these :D

I suppose I'm not monoamorous, because for me my crushes and romantic feelings toward others typically don't ever go away. But I don't feel the need to play them out into a relationship (and as such, I don't experience the same sort of dejected feeling that most others do when it comes to unrequited feelings) and I still wouldn't want more than one relationship anyway.

[Guest]

I don't think caring about sex outside of a relationship is really an asexual or sexual thing. It's just an individual thing. Some are OK with open/poly, some are only OK with sexual monogamy, even if social monogamy isn't required. Some are only OK with full monogamy. Just about finding someone who agrees with you on the relationship values.