Palovana Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I'm really looking for advice. I've never been in this situation before and I'm really confused and unsure about a lot of things... I'm really good friends with this guy I met my first year of college. Almost from the beginning our friendship has been different - we always shared a mental and emotional closeness, an intimacy that is deeper and much closer than conventional friendships. Three or so months after I met him, our relationship started to involve physical intimacy as well. At first it was hugging an holding hands, but it quickly developed into cuddling for hours, caressing each other, sleeping in the same bed, and so on. There was never really any explicit sexual contact (no genital contact) but we were definitely intimate and a couple of times I remember him getting turned on and excusing himself for my sake. He knows I'm asexual and he respects it. He's never tried to force me into anything or even suggest anything, really, and he's never taken advantage of me, ever. He knows a lot about me, more than most people, and I know a lot about him. He gained my trust, something that is very, very hard to do. To make a long story short, after my freshman year, I transferred to a different university and we lost contact for a while. I finally found him online after not speaking to him for two or three years, and he was very happy to hear from me. We talked every now and then, nothing big, for about a year. Lately I've been talking to him more. A few nights ago he asked to call me, and we had a very deep, very heavy conversation about some very serious things. Every word was loaded and it was extremely intense. I couldn't help tearing up and I had a feeling he was also, because of the tone of his voice. He told me how important and special I am to him, how much I mean to him, how afraid he was that he'd lost me forever when I moved away, how much he loves me. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with me, and the things that most people find strange or frightening or sick he thinks are fascinating and unique. He made me feel good and normal and okay and human. He made me feel...happy. I am never happy. I texted him the next day and I told him how he'd made me feel and I was afraid I'd hurt him somehow, and he reassured me I'd not, and that he was glad we'd had the conversation we did. And in that moment I felt that maybe I love him. Not just as a friend, but I love him - I want to be with him. This has now been on my mind almost constantly since then. But the reality is that there are a lot of reasons why we can't be together. I'm asexual and he is not. He told me a few months ago when I asked him what exactly our relationship was that we were just friends, but it doesn't match up with some of the things he says and does. The way he touched me and the way he looked at me when I saw him in December, the way he was breathing on the phone, the way he talks to me, and the questions he's asked and gestures he's made in the past suggests that we have definitely never been "just friends". ...I have a feeling that he's not being entirely truthful because he doesn't want to hurt me. Even when we talked on the phone, he told me how afraid he was of hurting me. I don't think he wants to be in a truly romantic relationship with me because I'm asexual, and if I said we can't have sex it would never work. But the way I feel about him...I'm almost willing to make that sacrifice, just to be with him. There would be rules, of course, there would be things I definitely would not do, but I'm not even sure he would be okay with that. He's told me in the past that he doesn't want to have sex with me but never told me why, but he's hinted at, and I have reason to believe, that he knows I wouldn't be into it the way he would be, and some of the things he's said make me believe he would feel like it's rape. I really don't know what to do at this point. I really want to talk to him again but I'm not entirely sure what to say. I don't know if I should tell him exactly how I feel about him. I'm really afraid of messing up our friendship, or making things difficult for him, and really, I would be very much hurt if he rejected me for whatever reason. Even if he felt like choosing not to enter into a romantic relationship would be keeping me safe, it would hurt. I've never felt anything like this for someone before, never felt this kind of connection we have, and I have no idea how to proceed or even if I should. This morning I even looked at plane tickets to fly out to see him, because I want to see him, I feel like I must see him, even if I don't tell him how I feel... Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 ... Are you okay? :/ Everything you said indicates to me a relationship with him has a fair chance of working. Even if it doesn't - well, we can never be sure of that before we tried, right? Even between two people whose sexual orientations match? So.. I can't help but feel that there's something that makes you doubt, that you haven't told us. Or that there's something you're very afraid of, so much that it makes you want to not even try this very awesome sounding relationship. As for losing your friendship, you've already said that it's more than a friendship. The feelings involved between you right now might destroy your friendship either way, relationship or not. Or they might make that relationship something very special. Strong feelings raise the stakes, that can't be helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): a platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, desiring to display platonic sensual attraction more than the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 ... Are you okay? :/ Everything you said indicates to me a relationship with him has a fair chance of working. Even if it doesn't - well, we can never be sure of that before we tried, right? Even between two people whose sexual orientations match? So.. I can't help but feel that there's something that makes you doubt, that you haven't told us. Or that there's something you're very afraid of, so much that it makes you want to not even try this very awesome sounding relationship. As for losing your friendship, you've already said that it's more than a friendship. The feelings involved between you right now might destroy your friendship either way, relationship or not. Or they might make that relationship something very special. Strong feelings raise the stakes, that can't be helped. He told me months ago that he never wanted a relationship with me in that way, but I'm not sure how entirely truthful he as being. I really think he was afraid to tell me that he did (if that's how he feels) because he might think I'd be disgusted, or that I'd hate him, or (like me), afraid that he'd ruin the relationship we already have. I love our relationship the way it's always been, but we're not together - when he has a girlfriend, we're not allowed to be intimate, but he never stays with his girlfriends long. He always comes back to me, and to some extent that has always made me feel a bit like I'm being used, like I'm just there for when he wants intimacy when he has no one to fuck. When we talked on the phone, he said something about me being more different and more special to him than anyone before, that he feels different about me. He didn't specify what that was, and I can't make any assumptions. I'm really afraid of ruining everything. I'm afraid that if we end up in a relationship, some things might be taken too far. I was sexually assaulted in the past...I know he would never, ever do anything like that on purpose, but I'm not the best at verbal communication, and I'm really afraid that might end up leading to trouble...I don't want to regret anything, I don't want to end up hating him or hating myself even more than I already do if something bad happens. Nothing in my life has ever been constant, or safe. Everything I've ever had has become corrupted, or turned out to be something I didn't want or didn't expect. I don't want this to be the same way but at the same time I have to expect that it will... Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 In my opinion, I think you should tell your friend how you feel, regardless if you want to be in a relationship with him. Then maybe you two can take it slow to see if it can work. That way, you guys can stop before it gets too far. It's also a question of would you rather live with the regret that you didn't go for it or you couldn't make it work. Which one would you prefer? Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 @Palovana: It sounds very clear to me that your issue isn't the situation with him in particular, but that you generally are very emotionally unstable. So I don't know what to tell you. It makes a lot of sense to me when you say that you need stability in your life. And I get that starting a relationship with someone is the opposite of stability. If it's too much for you, maybe you should take a step back? For instance, you could tell him that you have feelings for him without starting a relationship (as nerdperson pointed out, good suggestion). Then see how he reacts. As for fear of rejection, I think it is rooted in your own insecurity, so what's important for you to remember there is that whether he rejects you or not, that feeling of.. inadequacy, I guess, that you experience, won't change from that. In fact, my own experience is that you will only feel at peace with yourself once you can bear the rejection. Living out a relationship in constant fear of rejection, of not being good enough, is indeed not going to be a pleasant experience at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 In my opinion, I think you should tell your friend how you feel, regardless if you want to be in a relationship with him. Then maybe you two can take it slow to see if it can work. That way, you guys can stop before it gets too far. It's also a question of would you rather live with the regret that you didn't go for it or you couldn't make it work. Which one would you prefer? I'm not sure. I would think the regret of never going for it but at the same time, I could lose him forever or something terrible could happen if it goes all wrong...I'm not even sure how to go about telling him, how much I want to tell him, that kind of thing... @Palovana: It sounds very clear to me that your issue isn't the situation with him in particular, but that you generally are very emotionally unstable. So I don't know what to tell you. It makes a lot of sense to me when you say that you need stability in your life. And I get that starting a relationship with someone is the opposite of stability. If it's too much for you, maybe you should take a step back? For instance, you could tell him that you have feelings for him without starting a relationship (as nerdperson pointed out, good suggestion). Then see how he reacts. As for fear of rejection, I think it is rooted in your own insecurity, so what's important for you to remember there is that whether he rejects you or not, that feeling of.. inadequacy, I guess, that you experience, won't change from that. In fact, my own experience is that you will only feel at peace with yourself once you can bear the rejection. Living out a relationship in constant fear of rejection, of not being good enough, is indeed not going to be a pleasant experience at all. Yeah, of course I'm emotionally unstable, but that's a story for another day... I'm not insecure. I fear rejection from him initially, because what if I've been reading way too much into the things he's said and done, what if I just confuse him more? He's asked me in the past things about being asexual and he doesn't entirely understand what it means, or rather, how I can be in love if it doesn't involve sexual attraction. He doesn't fully understand it, but I think he tries his best, and believes what I tell him. What if I upset him? What if he tells me there's no chance of it working? Or worse, what if I confuse him more and he thinks I'm not asexual or something and if I refuse to do certain things it'll be a reflection on him or he'll take it personally? I'm just worried of ruining everything or making him hate me... Link to post Share on other sites
ColorfulShine Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Hey, honey, I can get why you're confused about this. I know how you feel, the ache, missing that person wanting to have more and honnestly it's not pleasant. But clearly the guy really likes you and enjoys talking to you. If you tell him, even if he just sees you as a friend he won't reject you or stop being friends with you. It may be awkward for a while but then it'll be fine again. He'll probably be on the defensive and try not to say anything that might upset you but that's about it. No one who loves someone else (even as a friend) would ever hurt them with harsh rejection like "Eww, you love me, get away from me" and he wouldn't put you down either for being ace. For having been in your place, I told the guy I liked how I felt and got rejected, which hurt but it was such a relief. I wasn't waiting, anticipating, or imagining signs. We just resumed being friends and we're still friends now. If you care about him and if you know he cares about you you will not loose him. It's one big step but you just have to tell him how you feel. "Hey, I've thought about it for some time and... I feel like we could be more than friends and I would like to be in a romantic relationship with you, if possible. I'm willing to work on the sexual attraction part if needed but this is kinda eating me up and I just need to know what you think and how you feel about it." And you'll see, he'll be kind. Maybe you'll be happily surprised, maybe not. Either way you'll be relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
TheButterflyComposer Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Use your words, and be honest with them. Given how extremely close the two of you are and act together...this relationship stands a chance. And if it doesn't...I still tip my hat to this guy, whomever he may be. He has a ton of respect for you and remarkable self-restraint if he does have feelings are you are so intimate. You know what? Things don't always end badly. Discuss this, and I think one way or another you can figure this out to be either friends or friends AND something else. Good luck to you, in any case. Link to post Share on other sites
noparlpf Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I think you should tell him how you feel and at least talk it out. Confessing isn't always the same as asking somebody to be in a relationship with you. Just try to sort out where the two of you are at the moment. I started falling for a close friend during our senior year (we had met freshman year). She's aro/ace so I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but I told her because I respect her and wanted things to be open between us. We talked about it once or twice and then pretty much went back to normal. It can be kind of scary to tell them and talk about feelings openly (especially when you're not used to having that kind of feeling) but it's not necessarily going to be as horrible an experience as you expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Unfortunately, he hates me, because I am stupid and crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 :o oh no did something happen? Did something change? You can pm me, if you need someone to talk you can talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Oh no :( *hugs tight* same here. I know we don't really know each other but I've read your story and you can always PM me to talk, okay? We're all here for you <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I would tell you but it's upsetting to put into words. :( Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Awww, sweetie :( *hugs* I'm so sorry. We're always here for you, anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Sooo...now I don't think he hates me? I always come up with the worst possible scenarios and then think it's true even when I have virtually no evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Oh? What happened? And don't worry, I have a tendency to do that too >_> Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Ehhhhh...not really sure, he wasn't talking to me and then he wasn't answering my texts at all, and then I found out after I berated myself and thought he hated me and blocked my number that he's overseas and has no mobile service. :/ But he told me he wants to see me. :) ...I'm still paranoid he secretly hates me or something and he's not telling the truth for whatever reason. I'm trying not to think this way but it's difficult because I hate myself so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Aww why? Why would he hate you? Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 He wouldn't. But I hate myself and I expect everyone else to feel the same about me as I do. He does not, but I still irrationally think that he does, or one day I'll suddenly make him hate me. It's stupid, but I can't help it... Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 everyone hates me too :( Link to post Share on other sites
mary_december Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 *hugs* You love yourself. I just felt the same about my friend, I got here and I read your post. Thanks. It helped me a lot think about myself. How you feel and think is so important and lovable. I hope everything will be done as you really want. :) Link to post Share on other sites
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